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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

toddler at a funeral

205 replies

ditzychick34 · 12/12/2017 15:17

Yes a bit of a TAAT but not quite. I'll potentially be going to funeral in the new year, relative is very ill, would I be unreasonable to take my 2 year old? I would of course take her out if she makes noise. I could leave her with DH but that would mean he couldn't attend

OP posts:
Sleepyblueocean · 14/12/2017 07:42

It depends on the wishes of close family. Ds went to his grandmothers funeral because that is what his grandfather wanted. He made some quiet noise some of the time. If it was loud he would have been taken out. In dh's family children go to the service. In my own the young ones usually only go to the wake

kmc1111 · 14/12/2017 07:52

I would, but almost all the funerals I attend these days are more the 'celebration of their life' type, the exception being when it's been a sudden, shocking death.

If it's going to be a solemn, extremely formal funeral, then no.

taybert · 14/12/2017 08:16

I took my then 2 and 4 year olds to my husband’s grandmother’s funeral. It unfortunately fell on a very rare day that my parents couldn’t take them and everyone else who would usually look after them was at the funeral. We spoke to MIL and explained that our options were they come with us but I take them out if they’re being disruptive or that I just didn’t go to the service. She wanted me there so we went for option one. I did end up taking them out towards the end but actually no one had noticed them making any noise and the funeral director actually approached me afterwards to say he thought they’d been fine and that I hadn’t needed to take them out. There were distant relatives who’d never met my two and I only had positive comments. Depends on the family.

honeylulu · 14/12/2017 08:27

Depends on the view of the immediate family. When my BIL died my MIL was adamant that our son age 3 should be there. (He was ok behaved actually.)
My aunt died the same year and my cousins (the hosts) asked that no young children attend the service although they were welcome afterwards. We were happy to respect those wishes on each occasion.

TheClaws · 14/12/2017 09:19

Needmorechocolate If it was OK by your family, then fine. But I have to admit when said “They were well behaved and even when they maybe did speak a bit loudly/ask a question etc I feel it actually helped lighten things slightly and made people smile,” I thought if any child had done that at a funeral I was attending I wouldn’t be smiling. I’d be horrified. Sorry.

Trampire · 14/12/2017 10:24

I took my 4 yr old and my 2 yr old to a funeral on my own.

It was my friend's daughter's funeral and my friend had specifically asked for children to be there. I was one of the only ones who took them. At the wake my friend said she really appreciated it and wished more people had.

They're 12 and 20 now. I've had more bereavements where they've only attended the wake. However my dad died in March and they both really really wanted to attend it all. It's been a positive thing for our family.

Trampire · 14/12/2017 10:25

Not 12 and 20. 12 and 10!

RandyMarsh · 14/12/2017 10:34

I was excluded from my Grandads funeral when I was 11!

Apparently it was thought that I might laugh and behave inappropriately. I remember feeling genuinely pissed off at the time because there is no way I would have been disrespectful and I would have liked to have gone to pay my respects.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 14/12/2017 10:37

My family are Irish and it is fairly common to have them at funerals. Seen 4/5 year olds view the body at wakes too. It depends on what the family think. It's likely mine will still be small when their Great Gran dies and I intend to take them because she loves them so much she'd want them there to help say goodbye.

poisoningpidgeysinthepark · 14/12/2017 10:54

I don't find it lovely to see babies and toddlers at funerals, and they're certainly not a happy distraction that lightens the mood. They remind me of the fact that I'm very likely to die alone and childless.

Thymeout · 14/12/2017 11:05

Princess

At all my grand parents funerals there were children running around even during the service and making some noise. They died when they were very old so for me it wasn't an upsetting funeral and the children reminded me of the circle of life and did cheer me up.

I'm really shocked by this. I've been to 2 funerals this year when the deceased was over 80. No matter how old, it's still a death, and they deserved a dignified service where they were the focus of attention. It was their funeral, fgs. People were sad because they knew they would miss them. They were saying goodbye to their partner, parent, sibling, or lifelong friend. Please remember that people who are older than you will feel differently.

'The circle of life' is like telling a mother who's miscarried that it was 'nature's way'.

frogsoup · 14/12/2017 11:13

It would never have occurred to me not to take her, to be honest, if it was a close family member! The UK has a v odd attitude to death though imo, from a continental catholic perspective funerals are absolutely whole family affairs and it would be a total no-no to not bring your children to a family members funeral. Obviously not to somebody more distant unless made explicitly welcome.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 14/12/2017 11:13

At all my grand parents funerals there were children running around even during the service and making some noise. They died when they were very old so for me it wasn't an upsetting funeral and the children reminded me of the circle of life and did cheer me up

How bloody selfish! If someone had allowed their children to behave like that at DM's funeral it would have been the end of the friendship/family relationship. However old the deceased they deserve a dignified funeral.

I have to say I've only ever come across the attitude of 'it's not upsetting when someone dies if they are old' on Mumsnet, never in real life.

Thymeout · 14/12/2017 12:11

Frog In the Catholic church, as far as I know, children become members of the church much younger. First Communion at 8? In the Protestant church, it's left till much later, in their teens, when it's assumed they will have more understanding of the commitment they are making. There's also the feeling that those who are there are more than an audience. They should be able to take part meaningfully in the service. This is probably behind the tradition that it's an adult occasion.

But this is beginning to change, as life becomes more child-centred and the trend for funerals to be celebrations of life, rather than an occasion to mourn a death. Whatever people would like it to be, ime, feelings take over. It's a sad and emotional occasion for those close to the deceased and their grief should be respected.

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 14/12/2017 12:28

If you want to absolutely take her. We had a few 2 year olds at our wedding (yes shock horror mn) and they all sat really well in church for the entire service. Involve children in life and death. It wouldn’t cross my mind not to take her. Surely the support of tour DH is important at the funeral. Your add is part of your relatives family. I hope you have a peaceful Christmas and my thoughts and prayers with you and your family

HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood · 14/12/2017 12:32

I always take the kids to funerals. Funerals are events to celebrate a life and say goodbye. I don’t thing anyone should be excluded due to their age. If they are disrupting things, then yes, take them outside.

expatinscotland · 14/12/2017 12:38

'Funerals are events to celebrate a life and say goodbye. I don’t thing anyone should be excluded due to their age. If they are disrupting things, then yes, take them outside.'

Some of them are absolutely devastating. Others are very religious in tone. My daughter's funeral was a Requiem Mass, not a 'celebration of life', we were fucking gutted that her life was so short and she died so young. Thankfully, no one was an arsehole who felt their toddler needed to use her premature death as a teaching vehicle or to show them the fucking circle of life, which is sometimes not a circle but a live wire cut short, leaving those left behind on fire. I made it known please no young children besides her classmates. No one was in the mood to be fucking 'cheered up', either, much less by toddlers.

I went to another, a joint one, when I was 21 and one of my work colleagues, also 21, and her 18-year-old niece were killed by a drunk driver. I'll never forget their mothers wails as their coffins were brought it. Completely fucking inappropriate for toddlers.

OhforfucksakeFay · 14/12/2017 12:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 14/12/2017 12:42

Have the decency to ask the family first.

TheVoiceOfTreason · 14/12/2017 13:13

Ask the family first is correct, imo. Always put the feelings of those who were closest to the deceased first. Some might welcome the light relief of well behaved children, many others would be horrified by kids being noisy during the service. It depends entirely on the likely behaviour of the children in question and how the spouse/parents/children of the deceased feel about the potential disruptions.

demonchilde · 14/12/2017 13:20

As expat says - have the decency to ask the family/ closest relatives first.

So many ‘me me me’ responses. Unless it is your next of kin, it should be their decision, not yours.

I’ve been to 2 funerals this year. One a 13 year old ravaged by brain cancer, the other my 75 year old DM who pretty much took her own life.

Neither were a celebration of the ‘circle of life’ ffs. And neither were suitable for young children (my youngest there was 10), and if anyone had thought little fucking Frankie or whoever at the funeral or wake running around would cheer me up would have been put right and asked to fuck off pretty much.

And all this ‘they were old anyway’. Piss off. When you lose a close parent/ grandparent it still really hurts, no matter how old they are ffs.

A lot of these comments show just how valued the elderly actually are, and it’s pretty depressing reading tbh!

KurriKurri · 14/12/2017 13:39

Totally agree with Expat.
I cannot understand this 'I always take my toddlers' attitude. Why are you so arrogant that you think your desire to show off your children overrides the wishes of mourners.

As I said in my post earlier - taking them out when they start kicking off is too late - by that time they have already made a noise and close family have missed some of the words. It was really important to me to hear the words at my Dad's funeral - and there was only one chance. I can hear toddlers wailing any old time thanks very much.

Ask the family - do not decide what you will do because you want to. Ask the people who matter, and if you are one of the close mourners then check with the other close family and listen to them. Your toddler will miss nothing by not being there, but they may miss something if a small child is there. So their wishes over ride yours.

I went to a dear friends funeral not long ago. She was 32 and died very suddenly and unexpectedly. We were all devastated. And yes we celebrated her life at her funeral, we wore her favourite colour, there was humour and laughter as well as tears.
But it wasn't all about ''celebrating' her life - it mostly about the total sense of absolute loss you feel when someone so young and vibrant is snatched from you.

At one point two of her friend sat with a guitar and sang 'Over the Rainbow' - you could have heard a pin drop in the church it was one of the most beautiful and poignant things I've ever heard.

If some selfish person had turned up with a kid in tow and they'd wailed through that it would have utterly destroyed that moment for everyone there.

Jins · 14/12/2017 14:03

BIL wanted to bring his DS to a funeral on my side because he thought it would cheer everyone up. Luckily he spoke to me first so the funeral could go the way my family wanted.

He and his DS weren't missed

Allthecake · 14/12/2017 15:22

I'm sorry to hear about everyone's losses here.

To TheClaws and anybody else who disagrees with us taking our 2 year old to his great grandfather's wake, or indeed those who think we're ridiculous for not taking him to the funeral service. No two families, no two funerals are the same. In our family, funeral services tend to be very solemn and DS is incapable of being quiet for that amount of time. Simple as that. The wakes (including this one) tend to be a time for everyone to come together, share memories, hug, tell each other we love each other, try to laugh and cry together. It's how we send people off, it's important in how we help each other move forward together. DS being there was important in this situation, as it meant his great grandma had all her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren around her, which was important to her. Although DGGF's death had been expected for a while and eventually brought his suffering to an end, she had just lost her husband of over 70 years and was comforted by cuddles from her loved ones. So whether or not you'd be cheered up by toddlers at a funeral is irrelevant, she wanted to be cheered up and it bloody worked.

Also his loss is felt no less keenly because of his age. We all miss him terribly. It's a comfort that he lived a long, full life but we loved him and miss him.

frogsoup · 14/12/2017 17:27

It's a sensitive subject but posters are talking at cross-purposes. Clearly not all funerals are a celebration of life, some are just harrowing and horrific and I don't think anybody is talking about taking a 2 year old in those circumstances. But it's a different matter when the death is expected because of extreme old age, and yes, then it's part of the natural circle of life. My 90yo granny dying was very sad and I miss her still after over 20 years, but she'd had a full and happy life, and she would have been delighted to have small children running around at her funeral. As it was it was quiet and small and formal because most of her peers had already died, and we hadn't reached the stage of having kids yet - more buzz and happy chaos would have made the occasion feel more rather than less fitting.

So with regard to the OP, the answer is we have no idea, depending on the age of the person in question and the reason for their passing - obviously the right strategy if in doubt is to ask close family.