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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

toddler at a funeral

205 replies

ditzychick34 · 12/12/2017 15:17

Yes a bit of a TAAT but not quite. I'll potentially be going to funeral in the new year, relative is very ill, would I be unreasonable to take my 2 year old? I would of course take her out if she makes noise. I could leave her with DH but that would mean he couldn't attend

OP posts:
Anticyclone · 12/12/2017 16:11

All babies, toddlers and children are a wonderful thing to have at funerals, especially if they are related to the deceased person. It will remind those who are bereaved that some part of their lost loved one will be living on through the lives of their descendants.

Children from the extended family are essential at funerals to remind everyone that death is a natural part of life, and that life goes on after death.

Banning children from funerals is a Victorian hangup that we really need to shake, for the sake of everyones mental health.

Schlimbesserung · 12/12/2017 16:11

I have taken toddlers to funerals (an uncle, cousin and their sister). They were fine, but they are used to church and would never run around or make loads of noise.
If the toddler in question isn't used to church, then I wouldn't.

mirime · 12/12/2017 16:15

@Firenight

My kids weren’t invited to my Grandfather’s and that was quite hard on my by then 7 year old who understood enough to want to say goodbye!

I wouldn't take my four year old, he just can't keep still. Or quiet. He has far too much energy, although he is getting better. But at seven I probably would. I still regret not being allowed to go to my grandfathers funeral when I was nine.

CakeyHoohaa · 12/12/2017 16:15

I took my two year old to my great aunt's funeral. He of course didn't sit still but my partner took him out and had a wander about. If that's an option then I'd say definitely. Otherwise it might be stressful for you dealing with a wriggly noisy toddler in that kind of environment.

Choccyhobnob · 12/12/2017 16:16

I've had 3 family funerals this year. I have taken my 2 year old to the all the wakes but have left him with friends for the actual service/burials then picked him up afterwards.

Thymeout · 12/12/2017 16:17

I do think funerals are adult occasions, or, at least, for those with some understanding of the service and what is happening. An under-five won't have a clue what's going on and will likely not remember it in the future.
It isn't 'a learning opportunity'. It's an occasion to focus on the deceased.

The wake is an entirely different matter. Except in the most tragic of circumstances, there is usually a feeling of relief in the air and the presence of the newest generation can lift people's spirits.

But different people feel differently. Be guided by those closest to the deceased.

littlepeas · 12/12/2017 16:20

My cousin brought her toddler to my dad's funeral - it was fine. He grumbled a little bit and her dh took him out, but nobody minded as far as I'm aware. My dc came too - they were 7, 6 and 4 - it has done them no harm and they got to say goodbye to their granddad rather than him just disappearing from their lives.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/12/2017 16:21

It really does depend on the toddler. My dd would have been very disruptive. In no way would she have been able to sit still. She naturally has an abundance of energy far beyond the average child.

Teaching a toddler about death Hmm. It is not going to happen at that age and as a pp said it is rude.

ZigZagandDustin · 12/12/2017 16:24

It's perfectly appropriate as long as you remove them immediately they cause any disturbance. If the alternative is you not going then definitely bring them, it's more important you're there with a toddler than not at all.

fc301 · 12/12/2017 16:27

Does anyone seriously think I meant that I sit at the service and loudly teach my toddler about death? Come on!

purpleflower23 · 12/12/2017 16:30

Have I misunderstood or is this person not even dead yet?! Confused

Animation86 · 12/12/2017 16:30

I wouldnt, but to be fair I wouldnt want them at a funeral. Its not that death is taboo, I just feel they are too young/at that age where they will just be a bit disturbed by it.

My dad and grans funerals were a few weeks back and each time I though - I'm so glad there arent kids around tbh

DrCoconut · 12/12/2017 16:36

My uncle took his own life when I was 2. I went to the funeral (so I'm told, I can't remember). I was a very quiet child who would sit with a book from being really young. It depends on the toddler and the family I'd say.

Spudlet · 12/12/2017 16:37

DFiL and DH wanted DS at DMiLs funeral, so he went. He was not quite 18 months old, so had no clue what was going on, and he did end up wandering around the churchyard with me for some of the service as he got tired and wiggly. But he was very much wanted there (actually, the vicar told me off, in a kind way, for being too hasty to whisk him out). He was a great comfort to his grandad that day, though. We thought how much his granny woild have smiled at his antics, and how she'd have loved to see him toddling around.

It all depends on how your family feels about it, really.

ReanimatedSGB · 12/12/2017 16:40

To some people, a toddler who is part of the immediate family is a comfort at a funeral (generally only if it's a grandparent at the end of a long life, though.) It really is a matter of what the close family think about it. If it's your workmate's partner, for instance, and you're going along to show support but didn't really know the deceased then it would be very inappropriate to bring your kid.

(Oh, and those going 'but the person isn't even dead yet': some people are perfectly OK with contemplating a funeral before death when it's clear that someone is not going to be around much longer. Some people who know they are close to the end will plan their own funerals.)

paxillin · 12/12/2017 16:40

Depends on the relationship with the toddler.

I have at time taken baby or toddler to a funeral if they (the baby) meant a lot to the chief mourner (say, grandma died and grandpa wanted the baby there).

Since the age of 6 or 7, they go if the deceased meant a lot to the child.

KurriKurri · 12/12/2017 16:41

Someone brought a toddler to my Father's funeral (she had been asked not to - but at the last moment claimed lack of child care so she 'had' to bring him)
He started to yell as soon as the service started, drowning out the reading off one of my Dad's favourite poems.
The mother sat there vaguely shushing him, at which point my distressed sister lost it and hissed 'get him out' at her.

We wanted to be able to hear the words spoke at the funerla of our beloved father - it is nothing to do wiht appropriateness or learning about death or learning to sit quietly. If you want to teach your child these things (which is totally fine) then do it in your own time, not at someone else's important ceremony.
It is no good saying you will take the child out if it starts crying - it's too late then you've already made a commotion.

I have nothing against children at all sorts of occasions, and at the wake it was lovely to have children there - gave the adults something to focus on and be cheerful about. But not at the ceremony. It is heartbreaking to have your final farewells spoilt by someone being selfish.

Check with the closest relatives (spouse, sons and daughters) and if any of them is against it, follow their wishes. If they are all fine then OK.

WaxOnFeckOff · 12/12/2017 16:44

We took ours when toddlers to two funerals. Couldn't be helped really it was Dhs brother and mum. However, neither were church service type events, we really had no-one to leave them with that wasn't going and as we'd recently moved we had no local support network and there or where the funerals were, which was a couple of hours drive away - it was really an all day thing.

Service for both was a quick thing in the house and then at the graveyard. I just kept them well away from that bit and then there was the "do" afterwards at which there were many children.

If it was a local thing and short and I had other options then I wouldn't take them to the ceremony.

buntingqueen · 12/12/2017 16:44

I have taken my DC to family funerals, from newborn (oldest now 7), and my niece’s and nephews have also been there. I think death should be less of a taboo, and it shouldn’t be something to fear. Provided they are well behaved, and you are prepared to take them out if needed, I don’t see why not. Funerals are a big part of life and I don’t think they should be excluded from that.

MrsRhubarb · 12/12/2017 16:46

Depends on family. Mine were delighted to have toddler DD at a family funeral as she was a happy, smiley distraction for them all.

Misspilly88 · 12/12/2017 16:48

The people against the idea seem to have very set ideas of what a funeral looks like OP and It very much depends on the family and their choices but we had 2 funerals of close family last year...both were celebrations of their lives, no black clothes, telling funny stories etc. One was at a natural burial site where we were outdoor clothes and walking boots and chatted as we walked to the burial site. Funerals can be whatever the family want them to be, they don't need to be formal and morbid.

LookMoreCloselier · 12/12/2017 16:49

I don't think it's appropriate if it can be at all avoided, it's about paying respect and toddlers and quiet respectful peace don't go hand in hand. I had to take 3yo DS to my DH's grandfather's funeral, I had been told another relative was babysitting him, only to find out the night before that said babysitting was to take place in the church but sat at the back. I wasn't overly pleased with this and decided I would also sit with him at the back with the relative, i missed most of the funeral as a result but there was no way that I would have allowed him to make a peep.

When my dad died, my eldest was there at the church, my toddler was babysat by a friend during the funeral and then briefly attended the funeral tea.

ImDoingLaundry · 12/12/2017 16:51

We took our then 1 year old to both mine and DPs GrandMs funerals which happened within a short time period. We couldn't leave our DS as he'd not long left hospital following major surgery and the funerals were 4 and 5 hours away from where we lived.

Both families were really happy to see our DS and he was no bother, slept for most of the services. If anyone that wasn't immediate family questioned it, I'd have kindly told them to sod off cause it was my dear old granny who had died and she doted on our son. DP would've done the same. No one seemed bothered though Smile

If you're not already a close relative, I'd ask the closest family members (if appropriate) what they wanted.

carolhere · 12/12/2017 16:55

I would not if i were you. If its not a very close relative its better to keep the toddler away.

yorkshireyummymummy · 12/12/2017 16:57

I don't understand why it's ' not appropriate' to have children at funerals/ weddings etc. Are they not family members too? I say take a child to a funeral but I realise I'm probably in the minority. I firmly believe that if a child is aware that they love somebody and they are aware that somebody loves them then they are absolutly old enough to attend a funeral. Toddlers and babies- down to the individual I suppose. Children at a funeral- it's the circle of life isn't it.