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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the parents should talk to us

204 replies

Vanessatiger · 11/12/2017 07:51

Our daughter had started pre-school this autumn. The neighbour boy started the same school and was placed in the same class as her. We were quite apprehensive that he got placed in the same class because he has on at least 4 occasions during the year from aged 2-3 hit, bit and pushed her. He’s quite known within the community to be rather aggressive.

In the end of October we pulled her out of school because he was taunting her almost daily and she got so sad when I picked her up, she would tell us that she got pushed and fell on her head, and she’d come back with bite marks on her shoulders and arms.
The head teacher would tell me she got bitten or hit but he never revealed who it was, it’s the school’s policy. But our daughter is very verbal so would tell us the name of who hurt her.

I spoke to the mother of the boy several times, she always just fobbed it off and then excused herself to leave. I asked the school to do something about it. They said he’s just a three year old being a three year old. I told the school he needs additional help as he has bitten numerous kids (i found out by speaking to the other parents). The school said he just need being watched by the head teacher. So I’ve seen the head teacher always playing with him in the school yard leaving the 19 other children with the assistant teacher. I complained to school about it as it’s unfair to the other kids.
I asked the parents to speak to us.
Parents refused.
School thinks it’s all fine.

This is a private school in a small community in a expatriate area in a developing country. The director was appointed due to no interest in the job, she’s a trained teacher who was a parent at the school previously. There’s no accountability and they don’t want to put extra resources due to cost issues.
We got fed up so pulled our daughter out.

AIBU to think the parents (who are our neighbours) owe us an apology. Her husband has work relations with my husband, and I’ve spoken to the mother several times. From what I’ve gathered she doesn’t think the boy needs extra help and she got offended I complained to the school about him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanessatiger · 11/12/2017 07:52

I’m just furious that I ran into the mother recently and she pretended not to see me, looked away and left. I think she owes us an apology!

OP posts:
Hmmalittlefishy · 11/12/2017 07:55

I'm not sure what an apology will do and you angrily pushing for it won't help matters.
I'm confused that you asked for the boy to be supervised - the headteacher supervised him directly and you complained about that
It seems the school can't win.
I do agree that the behaviour needs addressing and isn't acceptable but you have removed your child and I think you need to move on

ivenoideawhatimdoing · 11/12/2017 07:56

The head teacher played with a three year old instead of disciplining him and addressing the behaviour?

How odd...

I'd be horrified if he were my son and would apologise profusely, but she may be mortified and embarrassed.

It's sounds like you had a lucky escape re the school - what a waste of time!

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 11/12/2017 07:57

No i asked for an additional teacher, because it’s unfair the head teacher should spend all this time with him and neglect the rest of the class

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanessatiger · 11/12/2017 07:58

Yes the quality of teachers not the best

They wouldn’t dare discipline a white European boy unfortunately

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanessatiger · 11/12/2017 07:59

I removed my child but since it’s such a small community, it’s hard to experience the mother turns the other way when we meet.

OP posts:
Pecano · 11/12/2017 07:59

So you told the school he needed extra help, and then when they gave him extra help you complained it was unfair to the other children? I’m not sure what you want the school to do then...

His mother is likely highly embarrassed that her son is going through this (very normal and extremely common) biting phase and it’s being gossiped about by all the other parents. I feel very sorry for this poor boy and his mother. If I was her I would avoid you in the street too!

I don’t think YABU to have expected an apology, but I think you are BU to expect her to want to engage with you after you’ve made a such a bit deal about it

Schools have to pay for additional support from their own budgets. If employed an extra adult for every child who went through a biting stage then there would be no money left for anything else!

Tugtupite · 11/12/2017 08:00

How unpleasant for you all. I would suggest that whatever has happened during school hours is the school's responsibility to manage, which they have clearly not taken on board. You've done the right thing on removing your DD.

With respect to the other incidents you say occurred prior to her starting school, and any further ones, I would address this directly with the parents (both of you with both of them) whether they liked it or not.

Sensimilla · 11/12/2017 08:00

Dont bother yourself about an apology. It wont help. And the stupid parents are obviously deep in denial.

Take very good care of your daughter. My dd developed PTSD after being bullied from ages4-6...panic attacks, disocciation amd suicidal thoughts etc. Was totally horrendous

Toffeelatteplease · 11/12/2017 08:01

You need to let it go.

The problem doesn't now impact your DD as you moved her. if it turns out he does have SN she deserves your pity not you ire because life will be a hell of a lot harder for her abd her son in the long run.

You are never going to get an apology from the mother. You will only harm yourself by hanging onto the anger

TwoPoint · 11/12/2017 08:02

This reply has been deleted

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Bluntness100 · 11/12/2017 08:03

Some kids do go through this stage. I’m not sure what an apology will do to be honest, it’s hardly likely it’s all on purpose. Demanding an additional teacher for this little boy is too much and I can see why they didn’t go that route. They did give him extra supervision, but this wasn’t good enough for you either.

I guess you’re just lucky it isn’t you kid that went through this stage.

Parenthood is a long road op. You’d be surprised at the twists and turns it throws up. Try not to be so harsh and judgemental, because I assure you, one day it will be you.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 11/12/2017 08:06

They are leaving 19 children in the care of an assistant teacher only who’s quite meek. No offense.

OP posts:
Sensimilla · 11/12/2017 08:06

It is absolutely bollocks that this no longer impacts OPs dd, just becaise she has been remived from the situation. She was subjected to physical and emotional abuse over a prolonged period of time, in a place she should have neen dafe infront of adults who she trusted to keep her safe. This can have life long ramifications on MH and relationships

The boys SN dies not negate the schools duty of care to keep other children safe from harm

No wonder bullying is so prevelant

BarbarianMum · 11/12/2017 08:07

YABU to think that your neighbours should talk to you if they don't want to. Whatever is happening with their child is no longer your concern so let it go and move on.

TwoPoint · 11/12/2017 08:08

subjected to physical and emotional abuse

Jesus Christ!

Are you for real?

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 11/12/2017 08:12

Well, from what I’ve gathered from two friends who are psychologists, it seems the boy has more to it than just going through a phase. But our children shouldn’t be guinea pigs until the parents figure out they need help.
He’s extremely violent, he took a large golf umbrella and ran towards my then 2 months old baby to hit him, I had to push him away abd his mum ran and pulled him away, he would say to his mum “ I want to hit you” (I’ve heard it), he has bitten a lot of kids, he pushed my DD down the stairs mid way for no reason (I saw it) and luckily she fell on her both hands. His mum just turned her head to look another way while the dad yelled at him for doing that. He’s been violent since 20 months and he’s now almost 4 yrs old. Is that a phase? Seems a bit long to not be looking for help.

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 11/12/2017 08:14

I'm not sure why you're wittering on about an apology that would be entirely meaningless and forced.

I agree you were right to remove your daughter, and yes the school should have been more proactive.

The other mother doesn't want to speak to you. She doesn't have to.

Rachie1973 · 11/12/2017 08:15

Vanessatiger
Well, from what I’ve gathered from two friends who are psychologists, it seems the boy has more to it than just going through a phase. But our children shouldn’t be guinea pigs until the parents figure out they need help

Gossip gossip! No wonder she doesn't want to talk to you!

chocolatemademefat · 11/12/2017 08:15

Of course the other parent needs to apologise for her sons behaviour. I had this with DS1 who was continually bitten and scratched by another child - usually on the face. Your daughter must have been bewildered that this was happening to her. Your first duty is to your child but for her to have been the one who had to be removed is awful. It would be interesting to know if he has found more victims for his appalling behaviour. I’m surprised no-one has mentioned SN as that is the first line of defence on this site these days. Some children just won’t behave and enjoy bullying others. I feel sad for you.

Todayissunny · 11/12/2017 08:18

So you live in a small community. A family has a small boy with difficult behaviour. The school is working on a solution to try to solve the problem. The parents are also obviously working with the school. You are going around the community discussing this child with other parents which the mother surely knows about and will only inflame negativity towards child and family. How the hell do you think this mother feels? Can you imagine the stress this causes her? A switch can't be flicked to change the behaviour of this little boy it will take time. He will probably grow out of it as he learns to communicate better if he is given the right support.

Rachie1973 · 11/12/2017 08:19

chocolatemademefat
Of course the other parent needs to apologise for her sons behaviour.

But they don't do they? Much as we'd want them to, and however we would behave (and I would apologise grovelingly), the fact remains they don't NEED to apologise if they don't feel they want to.

Todayissunny · 11/12/2017 08:20

Your gossip circle has told you that the parents are not looking for help for him?

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 11/12/2017 08:21

So it’s okay for him to taunt and bully my daughter? How do you think it feels for us. If she’s engaged with us maybe I wouldn’t be talking to the other parents if same things have happened to them.
The problem is the school wasn’t engaged to work with his behaviour, they simply assigned the head teacher to watch him. If you know this country, then unfortunately the head teacher himself wouldn’t understand bullying and emotional development. You can’t leave 19 kids in the care of only one assistant teacher who’s not really a trained teacher.
We paid £6000 per year for this school. That’s what you get.

OP posts:
Sensimilla · 11/12/2017 08:22

vanessa, your thread appears to be inhabited by fucking arseholes. You are welcome to DM me if you want to talk about supporting your child through it/impacts/your feelings etc