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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the parents should talk to us

204 replies

Vanessatiger · 11/12/2017 07:51

Our daughter had started pre-school this autumn. The neighbour boy started the same school and was placed in the same class as her. We were quite apprehensive that he got placed in the same class because he has on at least 4 occasions during the year from aged 2-3 hit, bit and pushed her. He’s quite known within the community to be rather aggressive.

In the end of October we pulled her out of school because he was taunting her almost daily and she got so sad when I picked her up, she would tell us that she got pushed and fell on her head, and she’d come back with bite marks on her shoulders and arms.
The head teacher would tell me she got bitten or hit but he never revealed who it was, it’s the school’s policy. But our daughter is very verbal so would tell us the name of who hurt her.

I spoke to the mother of the boy several times, she always just fobbed it off and then excused herself to leave. I asked the school to do something about it. They said he’s just a three year old being a three year old. I told the school he needs additional help as he has bitten numerous kids (i found out by speaking to the other parents). The school said he just need being watched by the head teacher. So I’ve seen the head teacher always playing with him in the school yard leaving the 19 other children with the assistant teacher. I complained to school about it as it’s unfair to the other kids.
I asked the parents to speak to us.
Parents refused.
School thinks it’s all fine.

This is a private school in a small community in a expatriate area in a developing country. The director was appointed due to no interest in the job, she’s a trained teacher who was a parent at the school previously. There’s no accountability and they don’t want to put extra resources due to cost issues.
We got fed up so pulled our daughter out.

AIBU to think the parents (who are our neighbours) owe us an apology. Her husband has work relations with my husband, and I’ve spoken to the mother several times. From what I’ve gathered she doesn’t think the boy needs extra help and she got offended I complained to the school about him.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 11/12/2017 08:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 11/12/2017 08:23

It’s a small community, and yes I know the mother has told people the boy only bites when he’s excited (not true). I asked the director if he’s seen anyone for help as his behaviour is out of hand. She told me that “ not yet”. So I’ve pretty good sources the parents are not seeking help. They are in denial I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanessatiger · 11/12/2017 08:24

I think I’ll retreat from this thread.

OP posts:
Spikeyball · 11/12/2017 08:25

If it were my child I wouldn't be talking to you about anything that happens when I am not there.
If you are concerned about your child's safety you talk to the school about keeping your child safe.

zzzzz · 11/12/2017 08:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RadioGaGoo · 11/12/2017 08:28

So I've learnt from this thread that it's perfectly acceptable for three year olds to hit other children, that parents don't need to take responsibility, that teachers should to play with that child instead of disciplining them and that we all gave to feel sorry for the Mothers of any hitting three year olds because she could be dying of embarrassment. Which is far worse adult feeling than what any of the little victims of the hitting three year olds are feeling.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 11/12/2017 08:29

Thanks Radio

OP posts:
zzzzz · 11/12/2017 08:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spikeyball · 11/12/2017 08:30

OP are you expecting the mother to apologise for having a child with additional needs?

Sensimilla · 11/12/2017 08:30

Its astounding huh radio?

So sorry OP

Zoomaa · 11/12/2017 08:30

An apology isn't going to help anyone.

You're stuck with a tinpot private expat school, presumably for profit and privately owned. Sadly they'll be forced to accept any teacher who turns up for the job and standards will be low. SEN or behavioural support will likely be zero. I imagine the school thinks that you either put up with what they offer or you withdraw your child.

You either accept it or you move into the local system or your husband and you move.

This sounds like a culture clash to me.

Tugtupite · 11/12/2017 08:31

I don't understand the lack of empathy shown on this thread...OP are you able to share the country you are in, perhaps you can get some more insights from people who've experienced similar environments Flowers

Sirzy · 11/12/2017 08:32

Sounds like the problem is the Op wants to know about more than how her child is being kept safe (fair enough) and into details about what is being done for another child (not fair enough and not necessary)

There is a fine line between Concern and noseyness

Rachie1973 · 11/12/2017 08:33

Its not about what's 'right'. It's about what people 'have' to do.

Of course most people apologise, I'd be mortified if it was one of mine. However, some people don't see it the same way, some people are dealing with their SEN kids in the best way they can, some people don't know how out of control their kid is getting, and some simply don't want to deal with it.

You removed your child, but you're still running around your 'small community' gossiping and badmouthing this family. Yet you wonder why you aren't getting an apology..... it doesn't seem like rocket science to me.

Can you not see that actually your actions are rather unsavoury as well?

SD1978 · 11/12/2017 08:34

So does the school only have a single class, that the head teaches? Otherwise how is the head only engaging with the one child constantly? I don’t think you are going to get an apology, and if imagine that she feels victimised knowing that you have tried to get other parents to back your desire to see the boy get additional help. You also initially mention there was more than one class to join, but you don’t seem to like the school. I hope that you have a better fit for you and your daughter at the next school, but I wouldn’t be pushing the other mother, she obviously didn’t see it as being as big an issue, rightly or wrongly as you did.

Todayissunny · 11/12/2017 08:35

The school will not be allowed to discuss what measures are being taken. you have seen the head teacher playing with him but you don't know the fact's of what else is being done. If other parents also say there is an issue then your child is probably not being singled out and targeted. Do you expect the parents of this child to go to parents of the 19 other children and apologise for his behaviour as well? I also live in a country where bullying is denied so I do have an idea and understand how concerned you are for your child's safety. I am teaching my kids to recognise the patterns of behaviour that lead to problems and move away from these situations. These difficult kids are everywhere -the will probably be one I her new school as well.

ReanimatedSGB · 11/12/2017 08:40

This boy's family don't have to engage with you at all. You are stirring and gossiping and sticking your nose in to their business, despite the fact that you are not a teacher, nor an expert in children's behavioural difficulties. If I was that kid's mother you'd have had a solicitor's letter warning you to back off or face harassment charges by now.

I work in education (admin only) and schools always tell parents to leave each other alone and make complaints through the school. Parents do not have any right to know other families' business or the support/needs/issues of anyone else's child.

Yes, you need to protect your DD and you've done the right thing by taking her out of the school, but you don't get to lead a witch hunt against a toddler and his family and expect them to grovel to you.

zzzzz · 11/12/2017 08:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DamnCommandments · 11/12/2017 08:45

What's best for your daughter here? I guess there's no other school? Are you on a company compound?

Really, the only two acceptable solutions for you would have been 1. the other child is withdrawn or 2. the other child's parents pay for one-to-one support. It sounds like your/your DH's company needs to get involved. Otherwise they're going to have bigger staffing issues than finding teachers. Most parents won't be able to fund one-to-one, and you say qualified teachers are hard to come by where you are. So it might not be possible to get a specialist TA. This is probably why the main class teacher is having to devote her time.

Maybe post in Living Overseas? People there will have more experience.

RadioGaGoo · 11/12/2017 08:51

A solicitors letter for harassment. Maybe the OP could send one back countering the harassment her child has faced.

That would be stupid? Yes, it would, wouldn't it.

Todayissunny · 11/12/2017 08:51

Thanks zzzzz for clarifying - not difficult kids. Difficult times.

Zoomaa · 11/12/2017 08:56

I agree - post in Living Overseas. If you haven't experienced expat life and non regulated expat schools its kind of hard to imagine.

SEN support? Haha
Standards? Haha
One to ones? Haha
Professionalism? Haha

fleshmarketclose · 11/12/2017 09:01

If you want an apology you should ask the school to apologise for failing to keep your child safe. The child's mother doesn't owe you an apology because any incidents that happened in school were the responsibility of the school and not the child's parents. You are behaving badly gossiping about this child and his family and so I'm not surprised they don't wish to speak to you.

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 11/12/2017 09:05

Give up on the idea of an apology.
Teach your Dd to defend herself, she may come across him in school as they get older. If he bites she should punch him hard. Maybe some retaliation from other children will make this boy realize he can't go round hurting people without getting hurt too

NK493efc93X1277dd3d6d4 · 11/12/2017 09:15

You are well out of it. If the school allows this to happen then I wouldn't be happy at all - especially when paying fees.