To think the parents should talk to us

[Vanessatiger]

Our daughter had started pre-school this autumn. The neighbour boy started the same school and was placed in the same class as her. We were quite apprehensive that he got placed in the same class because he has on at least 4 occasions during the year from aged 2-3 hit, bit and pushed her. He’s quite known within the community to be rather aggressive.

In the end of October we pulled her out of school because he was taunting her almost daily and she got so sad when I picked her up, she would tell us that she got pushed and fell on her head, and she’d come back with bite marks on her shoulders and arms.
The head teacher would tell me she got bitten or hit but he never revealed who it was, it’s the school’s policy. But our daughter is very verbal so would tell us the name of who hurt her.

I spoke to the mother of the boy several times, she always just fobbed it off and then excused herself to leave. I asked the school to do something about it. They said he’s just a three year old being a three year old. I told the school he needs additional help as he has bitten numerous kids (i found out by speaking to the other parents). The school said he just need being watched by the head teacher. So I’ve seen the head teacher always playing with him in the school yard leaving the 19 other children with the assistant teacher. I complained to school about it as it’s unfair to the other kids.
I asked the parents to speak to us.
Parents refused.
School thinks it’s all fine.

This is a private school in a small community in a expatriate area in a developing country. The director was appointed due to no interest in the job, she’s a trained teacher who was a parent at the school previously. There’s no accountability and they don’t want to put extra resources due to cost issues.
We got fed up so pulled our daughter out.

AIBU to think the parents (who are our neighbours) owe us an apology. Her husband has work relations with my husband, and I’ve spoken to the mother several times. From what I’ve gathered she doesn’t think the boy needs extra help and she got offended I complained to the school about him.

I hope that your DD is happy in that school OP. And as an old-timer, I think that any school that allows sweets and fizzy drinks (crisps too??) has potential to be a happy school :). May she find special friends, inspiring teachers and flourish.

So why are you being so judgemental in your posts, Sensilmilla? Where is the empathy

JFC - have you read about what happened to her DD???? ??

Spartacus, yes, but projecting, even as a result of traumatic situation, onto being so sure parents and teachers are at definitely at fault for not taking responsibility, is just not constructive IMO. An extension of this school of thought very quickly leads to the worst kind of disablism. Complex additional needs are by their very nature difficult to deal with. The needs are additional, after all.

Seems to me that Sensilmilla might be very familiar with special needs after what happened to her DD. If anyone needs compassion it is her and her DD.

All, in this situation, can have compassion, as far as I am concerned. My own D.C. has had some additional needs along with experiencing bullying. I am just aware that 'taking sides' where conflicting needs exist in children really does not help. There is no top trumps in terms of a scale of needs. Starting on that path just leads to more prejudice.

Well, the kids share sweets and the teachers aren’t so proactive in preventing it happening. But I’ve resigned to the fact that that’s gonna happen. I know it’s different in the UK and people react differently. But here teachers would also give kids sweets. It’s not frowned upon. It’s one of the reasons we wanted an expat school for our daughter so the school would have same values as us. There’s another expat school which employ expat teachers but it costs £13,000 per yr for pre school, we thought that’s really steep.

New school has a counselor for issues such as bullying, that’s the first question I asked how the school deals with “naughty” children.

Yes I need to let it go.

Of course tje teacjers and parents are at fault. They have to keep ALL children safe. Not just those with SEN

It is you lot that lack empathy

OP - is she happy? That's the main thing. Seriously too, I was at school in the early 70s when sweets were simply accepted. It hasn't ruined me :).

Why are parents at fault?

We feel the school failed us.

He wasn’t two, he was 3.5 when he started pre school because when he attempted to start the term before, another school (the expensive one) had told them that he cannot continue because he was too much to handle with at least 5-10 biting incidents every week. So they waited and let him start in a different school. This current school, the mother is friends with the director who also has a child at the same school (as I said she was a parent before being the director due to having a teaching qualification from abroad). The whole thing stinks because it’s a small community and interpersonal relationships count.

My girl is happier now and not afraid to go to school.

Thank you for reassuring me that sweets haven’t ruined you

I’m sorry what happened to your girl Sensimilla. Hope all is ok now?

That's a win Vanessa. Keep encouraging her and supporting her and hopefully it will all just be a distant memory soon.

Sensimilla posted about her DD a few pages back.

Saying as a blanket statement that it the parents fault is just wrong.

I have to say that the way you have gone about this thread is horrible and it’s what people are reacting to. They are not showing a lack of empathy for your daughter, they are simply showing empathy also for a little boy who appears to be in distress and a mother who may not be coping very well.
The school sounds appalling and so that’s where I would direct your anger and upset towards. Their management of the situation has been terrible. If you would like to sit down with the mother in a kind of restorative justice setting, then the school should facilitate that. Not you or the other mother as it’s not appropriate. If I were you I would focus on your daughter and her well being not the mother and whether she speaks to you or not. And stop talking about her.

My son was repeated hurt quite badly physically by a boy at his school in reception (so age 4/5). I would have very much liked the mother to have acknowledged the pain that my DS experienced and the lasting anxiety this left him with. The boy had SN which was diagnosed during that period (he was also spitting at teachers and throwing furniture round the classroom). I don't bear the child any ill will whatsoever and recognise it was an extremely difficult situation for the mother but the fact is my child was hurt and her child caused that damage. Acknowledgement isn't the same as apology though.

@zzzzz was that to me? The father's acknowledgement would have been fine. Actually though, it was more the (not at school) occasion when her DS was beating the crap out of mine and I had to wade in carrying my three month old baby while she sat within a foot watching that upset me most.

If my kid accidentally broke a vase in someone's house I'd apologise and offer to pay for a new one. Even if it wasn't my child's "fault" and if it was out of my control. Because it is annoying and upsetting to have a vase broken, and as the child's mother it my role to acknowledge that in my view. So in the same way, when my four year old was covered in bruises, yes, it would be good if the primary caregiver of the child who'd given them acknowledged that it might be a bit upsetting for my son.

I educated myself btw which helped me to understand why the parents might not be intervening even when my property was ruined (during a playdate) and when my child was hurt. But honestly to me it's very odd behaviour to see the damage your child is causing and not even to acknowledge the distress it's causing.

t1mum

If a child's behaviour is really very difficult to manage due to additional needs and there is no effective support currently available, what do you think your demand for acknowledgment from the parent amounts to? A walk of shame every time they leave the house?

My D.C. has had some additional needs when they were younger. No problems with them being violent to other children but the stares just because they didn't sit or stand still when they were expected to for me to feel discouraged from taking them to events and places. I imagine this being multiplied a thousand fold if additional needs caused more violent behavioural problems.

Having a child with additional needs is not something to be ashamed of but the impact on families whose child has been repeatedly damaged by another child is really underestimated.

How do you think it feels to have your child covered in bruises and terrified to go to school?

If you ran over someone's cat when it ran out into the road what would you do? Not your fault but wouldn't you acknowledge that it was upsetting to the owner?

Zzzz, how very odd I’d want acknowledgement from a sibling (he’s 9 months old so it won’t go very far), grandfather lives 2000 miles away and sees the grandchild once a year, the father travels half of the year so the mother is the primary caregiver. Plus we have been to the same playgroups and the year before we did playdates.
It caused me a lot of distress having to deal with her son’s issues, so yes it’s not odd or strange that I’d like her to say “ sorry that you had to remove your daughter due to our son’s bullying”.. she hasn’t addressed the issue at all.
It’s funny that people say I’ve been “horrible “ when it’s our daughter that got hurt but I need to show empathy towards a mother who’s unable to acknowledge her son has special needs, if at all. But he surely has problems but the parents aren’t addressing those and I feel sorry for the boy because he has no friends whatsoever, whoever he’s been to playdates with would say no after a second playdate. The parents needs to take responsibility and get him therapy or whatever it requires to get him on the right track. Denying and burying her head in the sand will not help him.

How do you think it feels to have your child covered in bruises and terrified to go to school

Given how likely children with additional needs are to get bullied I think a lot know that.

The problem is people like the OP want some sort of acknowledgement simply to make themselves feel better. She is pretending to have concern for the child but it comes from a place of nosiness.

If a child with additional needs hurts someone because they aren’t being supported then the child and the parent shouldn’t be blamed, they shouldn’t be made to feel guilty. They are generally busy enough fighting the system to actually get that support.

What is so outrageous about you showing empathy, OP? It would help you and your daughter move on. It would stop the hostility you feel towards the family.