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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the parents should talk to us

204 replies

Vanessatiger · 11/12/2017 07:51

Our daughter had started pre-school this autumn. The neighbour boy started the same school and was placed in the same class as her. We were quite apprehensive that he got placed in the same class because he has on at least 4 occasions during the year from aged 2-3 hit, bit and pushed her. He’s quite known within the community to be rather aggressive.

In the end of October we pulled her out of school because he was taunting her almost daily and she got so sad when I picked her up, she would tell us that she got pushed and fell on her head, and she’d come back with bite marks on her shoulders and arms.
The head teacher would tell me she got bitten or hit but he never revealed who it was, it’s the school’s policy. But our daughter is very verbal so would tell us the name of who hurt her.

I spoke to the mother of the boy several times, she always just fobbed it off and then excused herself to leave. I asked the school to do something about it. They said he’s just a three year old being a three year old. I told the school he needs additional help as he has bitten numerous kids (i found out by speaking to the other parents). The school said he just need being watched by the head teacher. So I’ve seen the head teacher always playing with him in the school yard leaving the 19 other children with the assistant teacher. I complained to school about it as it’s unfair to the other kids.
I asked the parents to speak to us.
Parents refused.
School thinks it’s all fine.

This is a private school in a small community in a expatriate area in a developing country. The director was appointed due to no interest in the job, she’s a trained teacher who was a parent at the school previously. There’s no accountability and they don’t want to put extra resources due to cost issues.
We got fed up so pulled our daughter out.

AIBU to think the parents (who are our neighbours) owe us an apology. Her husband has work relations with my husband, and I’ve spoken to the mother several times. From what I’ve gathered she doesn’t think the boy needs extra help and she got offended I complained to the school about him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanessatiger · 12/12/2017 08:04

since we’re neighbours there are actually things she could have done for me during my distressing weeks. I have lent her my nanny once when hers been off so she could’ve lent me hers as I was struggling to cope with two kids at home, with a traumatised toddler whilst hers was still at school, and our nanny was off on long term sickness. She was aware of that.

OP posts:
magpiemischief · 12/12/2017 08:06

Stop dragging stuff up, OP. All you will do is upset yourself.

zzzzz · 12/12/2017 08:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StrawberryMummy90 · 12/12/2017 08:09

zzzz your posts are so odd.

Can you really not see why a parent should apologise for their child’s behaviour even if they weren’t present at the time?

Look at the example given by PP. Are you seriously telling me if your child was on a play date and broke something you wouldn’t even offer an apology on their behalf?

OP this happens on mumsnet allll the time..this exact scenario pretty much and the sympathy pours in for the child who is hitting rather than the child on the receiving end. Mumsnet is seriously on another planet when it comes to this issue, just ignore. I’m so glad your DD is happy and secure going to school, that is exactly what she deserves.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 12/12/2017 08:10

So if a violent child who’s overindulged and never disciplined and taught right from wrong, grows up and becomes a serial killer, it isn’t the person’s or the parents’ fault but simply that the system failed them?? That he simply didn’t get the help he needed?
I blame the parents because they are denying it so hard that the boy isn’t getting the help he needs. The parents could get him private therapy.
Before I pulled my daughter I asked the mum if she’s considered therapy for her son, she said it isn’t necessary. So yes I blame them for letting him get out of control and be so violent. We were invited to their house once and he (a 3.5yr old boy) was allowed to watch karate kid on the ipad. I was shocked given it’s age inappropriate. But they’d do anything so he wouldn’t throw a tantrum. Yes i blame them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanessatiger · 12/12/2017 08:13

Zzzz are you a mother? If so, i hope your child would never experience what mine experienced.

OP posts:
t1mum3 · 12/12/2017 08:13

OFFS - no I wouldn't expect someone to apologise for their child being brown. What a ridiculous and insulting thing to say.

Yes, both children are being let down by the school. I'd be totally happy to acknowledge how difficult it must be to have a child who is violent towards others and not supported appropriately by a school. I don't see why a child who is dealing with the intense fall out of violence shouldn't be allowed some empathy. Just because it isn't the other child's "fault" doesn't mean it hurts less or causes less lasting damage.

The OP may be wrong to "expect" an acknowledgement, but doesn't mean she is wrong to want one.

Spikeyball · 12/12/2017 08:19

"The parents needs to take responsibility and get him therapy or whatever it requires to get him on the right track"

A) you don't know that they haven't. The busybodies and gossips a lot of the time don't have the right information.
B) Even with therapies and support, challenging behaviour can take years to be modified.

All this demanding acknowledgement is ridiculous. Ds gets very distressed, self harms and tries to bang his head on brick walls when my neighbour gets his lawnmower out or his toddlers are making a noise in the garden. I don't go round demanding acknowledgement for distress caused.

Sensimilla · 12/12/2017 08:22

vanessa its really hard to see past the unhelpful posts on your thread, i know. I hope you realise that you absolutely are justified in your feelings

I had some advise from a therapist, which might help. Write 3 letters to the people that have wronged you (the school and the parents?)... the first letter will be gull of your rage. The 2nd letter will be your emotions and the 3rd letter will articulate the issue. You dont have to send any of them (it is therapeutic) but if you send any of them, send number 3. Might it actually be good to let the school and the parents know how you feel? I complained to the school Govenors, ofsted and the local council, also the hospital referred our case to social services. I think its better than trying to contain it

YetAnotherSpartacus · 12/12/2017 08:22

OP this happens on mumsnet allll the time..this exact scenario pretty much and the sympathy pours in for the child who is hitting rather than the child on the receiving end. Mumsnet is seriously on another planet when it comes to this issue, just ignore. I’m so glad your DD is happy and secure going to school, that is exactly what she deserves

My sentiments exactly.

candlefloozy · 12/12/2017 08:24

Children are children. Some bite some
Hit. You don't know what is going on in their little lives.
Yes they need discipline and rules at home and at school. It doesn't sound like the school have quite done what they needed too. But let me assure you, you can be sitting with children and as quick as anything they can bite another child. I work with two year olds and I would inform both parents of what's happened. Make all staff aware and ask to be extra vigilant. We do time out. But it's more taking the child out do the situation. I'd look for any triggers, maybe the child hungry or it could be sensory? Maybe they are frustrated? I'd speak to the child's parent and ask if it happens at Home and what is done in regards to discipline at home.

Sensimilla · 12/12/2017 08:24

And you cant see a difference between mowing a lawn and being phydically attacked daily over a period of months/years? You have no comprehension of the effect on OPs child from being physically attacked on a regular basis and none of the adults moving to prevent that happening?

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 12/12/2017 08:26

Spikeyball, difference is your neighbours aren’t intentionally hurting your ds whereas this neighbour boy was.

Sorry about yourds self harming snd being distressed by noises. Hugs to you

OP posts:
Sensimilla · 12/12/2017 08:27

Yy strawberry and spartacus...normal people dont think its ok for a xhild to physically attack another child repeatefly

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 12/12/2017 08:27

Thanks sensimilla

OP posts:
Spikeyball · 12/12/2017 08:33

Sensimilla you are wrong to assume to things like a lawn mower have a minor effect. If it was your child biting themselves all over their body for an hour after it happens you would feel differently.

JaneEyre70 · 12/12/2017 08:33

To be honest, now your DD has been removed I would imagine that the little darling is going to find another child to use his teeth on. If his behaviour is uncontrolled, the school can't ignore it forever.
I'm really glad you've moved your DD, school shouldn't be a negative experience at all and hopefully she's going to be a lot happier away from this child.

Sensimilla · 12/12/2017 08:36

zzz, i am sure your opinion would be different if instead of mowing his lawn, your neighbour came round and smacked your ds head off a wall every couple of weeks

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 12/12/2017 08:36

Spikey, can you not speak to your neighbour that he’d inform you before using the lawn mower so you’ll have enough time to take your ds out for a walk or something. Sorry to hear your ds gets so distressed, must be heartbreaking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanessatiger · 12/12/2017 08:37

JaneEyre, I don’t know but I’d think yes given his history.

OP posts:
Sensimilla · 12/12/2017 08:38

Im not saying its a MINOR effect ffs.

Sensimilla · 12/12/2017 08:40

Its clear that zzz, spikey and the mother in the post dont give a shit about any children apart from their own. Well, that sentiment will get extended back to you, so good luck with that

Spikeyball · 12/12/2017 08:40

At 3 you cannot know that it is intentional harm or that the child understands what they are doing. Lots of children older than that with additional needs don't understand that. Things that happen when the parent is there, yes they should deal with it.

Spikeyball · 12/12/2017 08:41

Likewise Sensimilla.

Taylor22 · 12/12/2017 08:43

I'm so sorry OP. I'm glad your DD is in a better place. All my sympathies for the trauma she went through.
The school are so lucky you are so level headed. I'd keep lines of communication open with her previous classmates families as he's bound to choose his next victim soon so it may help the next parents to demand change if they can use your story as evidence that this is an ongoing issue.

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