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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the parents should talk to us

204 replies

Vanessatiger · 11/12/2017 07:51

Our daughter had started pre-school this autumn. The neighbour boy started the same school and was placed in the same class as her. We were quite apprehensive that he got placed in the same class because he has on at least 4 occasions during the year from aged 2-3 hit, bit and pushed her. He’s quite known within the community to be rather aggressive.

In the end of October we pulled her out of school because he was taunting her almost daily and she got so sad when I picked her up, she would tell us that she got pushed and fell on her head, and she’d come back with bite marks on her shoulders and arms.
The head teacher would tell me she got bitten or hit but he never revealed who it was, it’s the school’s policy. But our daughter is very verbal so would tell us the name of who hurt her.

I spoke to the mother of the boy several times, she always just fobbed it off and then excused herself to leave. I asked the school to do something about it. They said he’s just a three year old being a three year old. I told the school he needs additional help as he has bitten numerous kids (i found out by speaking to the other parents). The school said he just need being watched by the head teacher. So I’ve seen the head teacher always playing with him in the school yard leaving the 19 other children with the assistant teacher. I complained to school about it as it’s unfair to the other kids.
I asked the parents to speak to us.
Parents refused.
School thinks it’s all fine.

This is a private school in a small community in a expatriate area in a developing country. The director was appointed due to no interest in the job, she’s a trained teacher who was a parent at the school previously. There’s no accountability and they don’t want to put extra resources due to cost issues.
We got fed up so pulled our daughter out.

AIBU to think the parents (who are our neighbours) owe us an apology. Her husband has work relations with my husband, and I’ve spoken to the mother several times. From what I’ve gathered she doesn’t think the boy needs extra help and she got offended I complained to the school about him.

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 11/12/2017 10:11

Oh YetAnotherSparticus what on earth do you think happens to children like this in say the UK? Do you imagine a swarm of benign experts swoop down and “fix” them? Or perhaps you imagine that there are beautiful tiny schools specially for them ready to support and nurture them in every way? And even if this utopia existed, what of the parents and siblings? How will chucking careers and friendships impact all of them

I imagine that there is likely a lot more help and support there. Proper diagnoses, professional help out of school, etc. And I also said that I'd have thought that parents would have made the decision to go home. Maybe it would be a hard one - but if the child in question had a medical condition of some sort that needed care and this was not available then surely they'd go home in those circumstances.

Whinesalot · 11/12/2017 10:11

I think yanbu to be upset about the school not keeping your dd safe but yabu to expect an apology.

Helendee · 11/12/2017 10:12

Can someone explain the relevance of the child's skin colour!

Sensimilla · 11/12/2017 10:12

That the little boy has SN is IRRELEVANT. Do posters really believe that kids should tolerate getting repeatedly hurt and threatened, because the perpetrator has SN??? And parents should stop making a fuss???

Clearly opinions of parents that

A...dont have kids with SN, and
B....kids have never been bullied

YellowFlower201 · 11/12/2017 10:13

You would have got more support and help from this thread if you had been less judgmental in your OP and following posts. Your psychologist friends will have told you that if it is not a phase it may be an indication of something else. He is 3 years old. His parents may well have asked for help and been told to wait. My colleague has been waiting for 9 months to have her son assessed for asd. Perhaps there is a wait for help.
Your reaction to this situation is really inappropriate and boundary-less. You need to back off and mind your own business now you have removed dd.

SkyIsTooHigh · 11/12/2017 10:13

"I don't understand why people are making excuses regarding that he 'is only three' - surely if your 1 or 2 year old was bashing someone on the head at playgroup/softplay you would still remove them from the situation and (kindly) tell them 'No' and to be gentle? "

Absolutely. But if she did it 4 times in a term I would just keep plugging away, not determine from psychologist friends that it's more than a phase and remove her from the school because the adults in charge can't keep the other children safe from her reign of terror.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 11/12/2017 10:14

That the little boy has SN is IRRELEVANT. Do posters really believe that kids should tolerate getting repeatedly hurt and threatened, because the perpetrator has SN??? And parents should stop making a fuss

Apparently, they do. On this thread and others ...

Zoomaa · 11/12/2017 10:15

No children shouldn't out up with being hot and bitten by any kid, SN or not.

But if there's a kid in the school whose behaviour (for ANY reason) isn't being supported then what is your choice? OP can't exactly ring ofsted, or the governors, or the LEA. So you put up with it or move.

Zoomaa · 11/12/2017 10:16

bleurgh typos

zzzzz · 11/12/2017 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spikeyball · 11/12/2017 10:18

My son has occasionally been hurt by other children at his special school. I speak to the school about it. I don't go hounding their parents.

Zoomaa · 11/12/2017 10:19

Then I'm surprised by your ignorance

YetAnotherSpartacus · 11/12/2017 10:21

My limited experience of such communities is also that they are hotbeds of gossip and boundaries are at times slightly different.

My shrink friend often gets asked similar questions to the one the OP asked by the way. This makes parties hell and she considers charging for her services, but ...

Iprefercoffeetotea · 11/12/2017 10:22

He’s quite known within the community to be rather aggressive

it's a pity there's so much gossip going on. Poor kid. Hung drawn and quartered by "the community" before he's even 5.

Sensimilla · 11/12/2017 10:23

Occassionally spikey? Thats different to what OP describes. And presumably the school responds in a way which prevents your child being hirt and threatened daily?

I WISH I had 'hounded' the patents when it happened to my dd

Spikeyball · 11/12/2017 10:28

If it was all the time I'd be hounding the school not the parents. Remember we are talking about a 3 year old here which is a similar developmental age to many of my son's peers.

zzzzz · 11/12/2017 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Zoomaa · 11/12/2017 10:36

I'm not sure what the parents are supposed to do when they're not even present for the biting.

I'd be a bit "really? Well I'm sorry if that's the case but you need to speak to the school"

zzzzz · 11/12/2017 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleMinionMummy · 11/12/2017 10:41

It must be very difficult to see your dd getting hurt.

As you and your expert friends have diagnosed him as having has sen I fail to see what an apology would achieve? Do you want his mum to apologise for him being sn? Because that's essentially what she would be doing if you believe his behaviour is down to that.

I'm a bit haha at more support in the uk too. Not necessarily, at all. Parents wouldn't be constantly requesting apologies or badgering parents of the other kid here either. So not sure why that's acceptable elsewhere.

If you didn't feel the school were dealing with it appropriately then you've made the right choice withdrawing your dd.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 11/12/2017 10:41

The responsible, honerable and right thing to do is give more support and make your community nurturing not cull the weakest

The weakest did get culled. The OP's DD left the school. And so many here are saying that this is how it should be.

zzzzz · 11/12/2017 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

roseblossom75 · 11/12/2017 10:44

Rest assured the mum will be feeling mortified and doesn't know how to deal with it (hence her avoiding eye contact with you).

YetAnotherSpartacus · 11/12/2017 10:48

I would disagree that the OPs daughter was the weakest. I wonder which child you would guess will have more success in life?

Who could possibly say? Maybe the OPs child will have some sort of SEN? Maybe the boy in question will come into his own at some stage. Frankly, it's silly to even consider speculating.

Right now we have a situation where a little girl, who should be loving school and having the opportunities it offers has left because being in an environment where she was daily pushed and bitten was intolerable and causing her trauma. At the moment, she's the weakest.

Sensimilla · 11/12/2017 10:51

zzz...i dont think you understand the impact this behaviour has on the receiving child.

My dd experienced dimilar and 8 took her out of school. She had stress related vomiting in excess of 50 times a day. She wad under the care of a paedoatrician amd medicated for 2 months. She cut her own hair off (a form of self harm) and developed sensory issues

6 months afyer settling 8nto a new scjool she started experiencing false backs, panic attacks, out of body ecperiences, dissociation and suicidal thoughts. It has yaken months of therapy to enable her to attend school and not want to kill herself. Of course this has a tendency to resurface in puberty. I hope she survives

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