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Original poster

Friend cancelling (again)

218 replies

Darknessinthevalley · 28/10/2017 09:29

So my friend, of about a decade, never used to be flaky but his girlfriend is really difficult.
He's just cancelled on me for the fifth time in as many months, and I know it's because his girlfriend kicks off. She doesn't like me, and for some reason thinks I'm after him. She has no reason to believe this, there's never been anything there, and I'm happily married.
However, I don't blame her. Surely he needs to either stand up to her or not make plans with me? Obviously, this is something he needs to deal with in his relationship, and I blame him 100%.
I'm getting sick of this though. He lives in our home town, and I don't, so whenever I travel back, I make an effort to fit him in, around seeing my parents, step parents, grandparents and siblings. And every time lately he's cancelled, citing his girlfriend.
I'm sick of just saying, OK I'll see you next time, but I don't want to cause more problems.
I'm pretty sure I'm not being unreasonable but I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm reluctant to lose the friendship as we're both ASD and it's so nice having someone that understands that when masking gets super hard and stuff.

OP posts:
onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 28/10/2017 09:41

There's not a lot you can do and you may have to just let him go, at least for the time being. It's frustrating and disappointing but I guess at the moment his relationship with his girlfriend is his priority and if his friendship with you is creating problems then he has little choice but to put you on the back burner for the moment.
Let him know you're there for him, you don't want to cause problems in his relationship but hope in the future things will settle and you'll be able to see him again. Then move on.

PringlesPirate · 28/10/2017 09:44

You’re not going to be able to compete with his gf on this one.

It’s not fair. But unfortunately his gf seems to be calling the shots and he wants to stay with her. For the time being, you need to accept that he will probably continue to cancel on you.

ShiftyMcGifty · 28/10/2017 09:47

Suggest you keep in touch via email and when you next plan a visit to your town, just announce it. If he asks to see you, remind him about the last 5 cancellations and ask what will be different this time?

It appears he is struggling to resolve this, so maybe you can help him figure out what exactly the girlfriend objects to, and how he feels about it.

One compromise may be him passing by your parents' house between 0 to 0, instead of meeting up for coffee just the two of you.

That way you aren't waiting around for him if he doesn't show up. His girlfriend may not mind as much if he's catching up with your entire family, etc.

Topseyt · 28/10/2017 09:49

I understand his girlfriend to be honest. I would be most annoyed if DH arranged to meet another woman like that, even if it was just for a coffee or something. To me it crosses a line, even if the relationship is platonic. I would make my displeasure known.

It might be more acceptable if you could meet up with him and his girlfriend amongst a wider group of friends, but otherwise I think you will have to let it go for now.

Herbcake · 28/10/2017 09:50

Why don't you invite the girlfriend along, get to know her? Or meet as a foursome with your DH? She might relax when she sees you're not a threat.

Original poster
Darknessinthevalley · 28/10/2017 09:50

Unfortunately, as much as I didn't want to hear it, I think you're all right.
Unfortunately, him dropping by and seeing my family would be equally weird, he's never met my parents, apart from 20 minutes at an airport when I moved overseas for a year and he came to see me off.
I'm literally getting messages from him rn that he's so sorry blablabla and I'm trying not to get mad.
I don't want to compete with his other half, but it would be nice if he could either stand up to her (although I get how hard that is, I've had super controlling partners) or not bother pretending he's going to come out for a drink.

OP posts:
reallyorange · 28/10/2017 09:52

I understand his girlfriend to be honest. I would be most annoyed if DH arranged to meet another woman like that

Like what? Meeting a platonic friend for coffee? That's v unreasonable. Ok I think actually you could try a couple more times to suggest alternative plans being super flexible and accommodating before you write off this friendship as it seems so important to you. If there are real issues it would be good to get him to acknowledge them.

Original poster
Darknessinthevalley · 28/10/2017 09:52

We've tried her meeting me too, and she didn't want to do it again. I'm quite confused by it. My husband rarely comes back to my home town with me but a group could be an option. There isn't a wider circle of friends really, we're autistic! He's an old school friend, the only one I've stayed in touch with.
Interesting that some people wouldn't want people meeting with someone of the opposite sex at all, my husbands best friend is female, he's spent the week keeping her company as her husband is away. Never thought more of it really.

OP posts:
reallyorange · 28/10/2017 09:53

I meant OP not ok!

pictish · 28/10/2017 09:54

"I understand his girlfriend to be honest. I would be most annoyed if DH arranged to meet another woman like that, even if it was just for a coffee or something. To me it crosses a line, even if the relationship is platonic. I would make my displeasure known."

For God's sake.

Topseyt · 28/10/2017 09:57

Yes, reallyorange. I would be very annoyed and I don't care who thinks that is unreasonable. I would make it known.

Not that DH would ever do this, and nor would I. To us it would cross a line. End of. Judge away.

BarbarianMum · 28/10/2017 09:58

Wow topseyt. Are you in a mutually controlling relationship or is it just you?

pictish · 28/10/2017 09:58

OP I'd be annoyed by this too. It's a time waster isn't it? He's either spineless or she's a controller or both. Either way, it's not for their scenario to waste your time and leave you dangling when you've made time to catch up.
Tell him what you've told us. "I make time to see you within a packed schedule and it's bloody annoying that you keep cancelling on me."

Topseyt · 28/10/2017 09:59

Yes, Pictish, that would be me. Happily married for almost 25 years. Don't care what others think.

Original poster
Darknessinthevalley · 28/10/2017 09:59

Topsey even if the friendship predates your relationship?
Also, your perspective is interesting as I'm bi, so I could potentially have an affair with a man or a woman. Should I never be alone with anyone?

OP posts:
pictish · 28/10/2017 10:00

Oh I am topseyt

"I would make it known"

Good for you...I'd tell you where to go.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 28/10/2017 10:01

As Topseyt shows, some woman really can't cope with the idea of their dp having platonic friendships with woman. Perhaps it's because they've never just been friends with a man without seeing them as a potential sexual partner, so can't believe their dp doesn't want to sleep with their female friend.

Sadly, this isn't going to change. As long as he's with her, your friendship will have to be non-contact, just emails and Facebook updates Sad

It's up to your friend to decide if his DP limiting his allowed friendships is something he can or can not tolerate.

Original poster
Darknessinthevalley · 28/10/2017 10:01

pictish that's exactly it yes. If he admitted to me that his girlfriend was struggling maybe I could work with that, I'm sure there's some sort of compromise, it's the bullshittery.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 28/10/2017 10:03

Barbarian, neither of us would do it. Neither would want to either. Quite happy together, and also doing our own thing.

I would not meet another man on my own, though would meet other friends. He would not meet another woman on his own but again would meet other friends (and family of course).

Perfectly happy with our setup.

PandorasXbox · 28/10/2017 10:04

You can’t trust your H much if you’d oppose him having a cup of coffee with an old female friend Topsey.

Aspieparent · 28/10/2017 10:07

I really can't see the issue at all. If dh wanted to meet a female friend for a coffee and a catch up I see it as no different to meeting up with a male friend for a coffee and a catch up. I think if people have issues with it its really all down to trust. I couldn't cope with the control of who I can and can't have as friends. Me and dh both have male and female friends. Never had any issues with it. We are both good and communicating so of after work he wants to go for a drink he will just phone and say going for a drink with x will be home at such and such and he always is and I also do the same.

PurplePumpkinHead · 28/10/2017 10:09

Completely disagree with Topsey. My DH meets lots of females - both in a professional and personal capacity for coffee, catch ups etc. What a narrow minded view Shock

Topseyt · 28/10/2017 10:09

I trust him absolutely, Pandora. Coffee with male and female friends isn't an issue for us.

Neither of us maintains friendships from pre uni days. We would have done if we had wanted to, but we didn't so that is that.

Topseyt · 28/10/2017 10:10

I mean that I would have an issue if the proposed arrangements were one to one, not in a work or group setting.

Toffeewhirl · 28/10/2017 10:12

I find it bizarre that someone would object to their partner meeting a friend of the opposite sex. DH and I wouldn't think twice about it. However, we have been together a very long time - maybe, if it's a new relationship, the girlfriend is still insecure about them.