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Original poster

Friend cancelling (again)

218 replies

Darknessinthevalley · 28/10/2017 09:29

So my friend, of about a decade, never used to be flaky but his girlfriend is really difficult.
He's just cancelled on me for the fifth time in as many months, and I know it's because his girlfriend kicks off. She doesn't like me, and for some reason thinks I'm after him. She has no reason to believe this, there's never been anything there, and I'm happily married.
However, I don't blame her. Surely he needs to either stand up to her or not make plans with me? Obviously, this is something he needs to deal with in his relationship, and I blame him 100%.
I'm getting sick of this though. He lives in our home town, and I don't, so whenever I travel back, I make an effort to fit him in, around seeing my parents, step parents, grandparents and siblings. And every time lately he's cancelled, citing his girlfriend.
I'm sick of just saying, OK I'll see you next time, but I don't want to cause more problems.
I'm pretty sure I'm not being unreasonable but I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm reluctant to lose the friendship as we're both ASD and it's so nice having someone that understands that when masking gets super hard and stuff.

OP posts:
PandorasXbox · 29/10/2017 08:46

The obvious consequences would be loss of the trust which we currently have, not that either of us would risk that.

What by having a cup of coffee with a member of the opposite sex? Is that what you’re saying?

Charley50 · 29/10/2017 09:10

I just want to know how the evening went, and what the semi-abusive texts the friends GF sent were.

Original poster
Darknessinthevalley · 29/10/2017 09:15

For those that realised I was meeting him after all, with the girlfriend, thanks!
It's interesting how people apply their own experiences to a thread like this.
It was lovely. He popped out to get a pizza so I managed to chat with her a little, and because I'm autistic, I'm about as subtle as a house brick, I'm just asked her what the issue was.
What it boils down to is that she feels like she'll never be as close to him as I am, because I'm autistic too and I can get how he thinks. Apparently, he has said before that she will never get it as well as I do, because he is a tactless idiot. But anyone can see how smitten he is with her, it's really quite lovely.
I reassured her that I can tell how much he loves her, and that even if we share a mental condition, we're more like siblings, there's no romance there (the thought of it feels kinda yucky Envy not envy!).
Gave him a bit of a bollocking for being a tactless idiot, and we both explained more about ASD, because she didn't really know what it is. My friend is really high functioning, so isn't typical I guess?
So really, alls well that ends well. I'm going to try and meet up with them as a couple, just to help her a little when we can make that work, but she did say she's much less worried. She'd never really seen how we interact together and I can understand how some people may find that hard. Thanks so much to constructive people!

OP posts:
Original poster
Darknessinthevalley · 29/10/2017 09:16

Oh and she explained the texts were sent when drunk. I'm not sure that justifies it, but she's hard a very hard year, and I'm sure losing my friend would've been super difficult and she was trying to keep me away.

OP posts:
MrsSchadenfreude · 29/10/2017 09:34

I have a male friend that I have known since birth. There has never, ever been anything between us. His wife has effectively killed our friendship as she won't let him go out on his own with me. The last time we met for a drink, he admitted he had told her he was meeting a male friend "as it wouldn't have been worth the grief if she knew I was meeting you." When we've met up and she has been there, she is either sickly sweet to me or just makes snarky comments. They've been married for 25 years, I've been married to DH for slightly less. No chance of me or her DH making a pass at each other, ever. Maybe she is Topsey...?

prettygirlincrimsonrose · 29/10/2017 09:36

Sounds like a really positive outcome, glad to hear it went so well.

I think you're being very understanding about the drunk texts too; seemed to get a bit glossed over in this thread and it's really not ok that she was texting you to try and get you to stay away. Hopefully she'll be a bit more mature now and realise people get different things from different relationships in their lives.

PandorasXbox · 29/10/2017 09:42

Ah that’s so lovely to read OP. You sound fab. I’m sure you’ve put her mind at ease and you never know you two might become good friends now!?

Sorry for derailing the thread too.

HeyPesto55 · 29/10/2017 09:42

Great result, OP. Hopefully she’ll realise that if he has your support in addition to hers, it will strengthen their relationship.

No one should rely on one person for everything.

Original poster
Darknessinthevalley · 29/10/2017 09:46

The texts were shitty, but I get it. This was her first serious relationship and I think she desperately wanted to be the only woman in his life. And like I said, she's had an unbelievably awful time in the last year or so. I can't see us ever being friends independently of him, but if was certainly a pleasant group.

OP posts:
pictish · 29/10/2017 10:18

Yeah...if she feel that she has to be the only woman in his life and resents any other that might relate to even if it benefits him to have the support of that friendship, it doesn't bode well for the future. And the arsey texts as well...she sounds pretty awful.

However I am glad it turned out positively for you. I would be wary of getting too close to his gf as I have a feeling he won't be gooey-eyed about her for long and it will soon become a shitfest.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/10/2017 11:02

Glad you had a good time and managed to have an open talk with her - and very glad that she responded to it! Hopefully you'll be able to maintain your friendship with your friend now, without his GF getting quite so upset about it.
Well done!

Motoko · 29/10/2017 13:01

I'm glad you were able to explain things to her. Hopefully you'll be able to see your friend in the future, without so much hassle.

Vulcano · 29/10/2017 17:37

I’m also Autistic & bi so I totally get what you are saying x

Italiangreyhound · 29/10/2017 17:43

Yay, that is an excellent outcome.

"Apparently, he has said before that she will never get it as well as I do, because he is a tactless idiot. But anyone can see how smitten he is with her, it's really quite lovely." It's great you can see how smitten he is. Well done. He has made mistakes, hopefully now that things are really out in the open she can see you are not a threat.

Good luck.

Fuckitletshavevino · 29/10/2017 17:48

I have been in this situation but as the gf. I was absolutely fine with ex (ds dad) meeting up with his friend....until he invited me along to finally meet her and she said she wants to see him on his own because she hadn’t seen him for a while. It got my back up straight away and caused many arguments with me and ex. Eventually she realised I would be coming for coffee and she was very cold towards me. Fast forward a couple of years and he cheated on me with her. I then fell pregnant. When I was 6 months pregnant he finally confessed. It wasn’t just cheating they then discussed leaving their partners and having a relationship. My ex changed his mind last minute because he loved me. It was too late though the damage had already been done and 2 years after finding out I couldn’t shake it off so I left with our son. Soooo after my long winded explanation my advice is invite her too. They are a couple so become friends with her too

Original poster
Darknessinthevalley · 29/10/2017 18:09

Fuckit I understand what you're saying, but I've never excluded her, until last might she'd never shown any interest, I had asked. I'd never make her feel unwelcome, I just figured she didn't wanna meet me. I'm glad the air is clear now though!
Vulcano I know, I feel like I'm a threat to everyone sometimes! No friends if you're bi right!
Italian I love seeing you pop up on threads, you're always so rational, thanks!

OP posts:
SukiPutTheEarlGreyOn · 29/10/2017 18:32

You've handled this really well, Darkness. You've been understanding, patient and inclusive. You're an excellent friend and they're both very lucky to have you in their lives.

cherrybath · 29/10/2017 18:44

So pleased to hear that it all worked out.

Speaking as someone who has quite a few long-standing male friends, I have found their partners can be worried at first, but I've been married for a very long time and once they meet me (and sometimes my husband) they don't seem too bothered by our friendship.
My daughter (who is in her early 30's) has one good male friend who is 20 years older than her. His girlfriends often forbid him to see her (not surprising as she is very attractive and much younger than him) but their relationship is genuinely platonic and largely based on their love of football and shared quirky sense of humour. His more clingy/controlling girlfriends tend to fall by the wayside over time and she starts to see him again.

Fuckitletshavevino · 29/10/2017 18:47

@Darknessinthevalley in that case my only suggestion is talk to your friend and hopefully find out what the problem is. I haven’t RTFT so just skimmed what @Volcano said but we are all born the same way and we all die the same way. If you are treated differently in between because you are you then just say fuck it. Let’s have some vino! And forget about the minority prejudiced twats Grin Wine

manicmij · 29/10/2017 19:10

Male or female friends, gf seems a bit co trolling or perhaps insecure. Unless your friend just ignores her demands there doesn't appear to be a way around this other than you meeting with her too. Just message your friend that you will be in area next time. If he does want to meet up leave the arranging to him

Vulcano · 29/10/2017 19:20

Its funny because i have a taste in men but i also have a taste in women, just because i like women doesn’t mean all women just like I don’t like all men 😂😂
As far as being Autistic, if people don’t like me for me they can jog on! X

pontypandypenny · 29/10/2017 19:24

I think your relationship appears to have run it’s course, wether due to his gf or not. If he was that bothered he’d make an effort, he’s obviously not so leave him be. If he contacts you in future than see how things are but 5 cancellations would be enough for me to leave it.

ginger1976 · 29/10/2017 19:29

Love this thread as l have several male friends, one in particular aas married and his wife (now ex) used to HATE us being friends but always loved telling people her husband's best friend was a chick. Funnily enough me and her get on really well now so l have to assume she saw me as a threat even though l wasn't. Just think if partners have got a problem it is their issue not much you can do about it just be there when they decide theu still want to be friends

DistanceCall · 29/10/2017 19:45

I would be most annoyed if DH arranged to meet another woman like that, even if it was just for a coffee or something. To me it crosses a line, even if the relationship is platonic.

Topsey^, what line does it cross? The "you're not supposed to meet alone with people of the other gender because SEX" line???

ReggaetonLente · 29/10/2017 19:47

I was on a floor in halls with all boys at uni and we regularly meet up now, just us, 10 years on. DH couldn’t give a shit, in fact he encourages it as he loves that I have such lovely friends who’ve stuck by me for so long. Sometimes he comes along, if he can’t make it he waves me off to my seven guy mates with a smile and a bottle of gin.

I’ve met and become friends with their girlfriends/fiancés over the years but sadly they’ve all come and gone.

DH doesn’t have that many female friends - he’s really into football and darts which unfortunately hasn’t attracted that many over the years - but the ones he does have I adore, and I appreciate that he makes time for them still despite the pressures of life. I think it says a lot about the person he is.

I think some of the people on this thread - well, two of them - are crazy.