Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend cancelling (again)

218 replies

Darknessinthevalley · 28/10/2017 09:29

So my friend, of about a decade, never used to be flaky but his girlfriend is really difficult.
He's just cancelled on me for the fifth time in as many months, and I know it's because his girlfriend kicks off. She doesn't like me, and for some reason thinks I'm after him. She has no reason to believe this, there's never been anything there, and I'm happily married.
However, I don't blame her. Surely he needs to either stand up to her or not make plans with me? Obviously, this is something he needs to deal with in his relationship, and I blame him 100%.
I'm getting sick of this though. He lives in our home town, and I don't, so whenever I travel back, I make an effort to fit him in, around seeing my parents, step parents, grandparents and siblings. And every time lately he's cancelled, citing his girlfriend.
I'm sick of just saying, OK I'll see you next time, but I don't want to cause more problems.
I'm pretty sure I'm not being unreasonable but I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm reluctant to lose the friendship as we're both ASD and it's so nice having someone that understands that when masking gets super hard and stuff.

OP posts:
PandorasXbox · 28/10/2017 10:13

Sounds like you’ve not maintained your uni friendships for a reason Topsey.

Why wouldn’t you want your H meeting up with a female friend though?

Gemini69 · 28/10/2017 10:13

I thinks making His feelings clear without having the bottle to say the Words... I suspect he's not meeting you again... it may not even be his current partner that is creating the issue Flowers

Topseyt · 28/10/2017 10:16

I said we have not maintained pre uni friends. We do have our friends from uni.

We both have the same view. I accept that it isn't for everyone. We like it though and are home buddies.

Gah81 · 28/10/2017 10:17

I was going to say can you invite her to the next one so she feels a bit less threatened but seen your follow-up.

And btw I have platonic male friends that I see by myself and my boyfriend has platonic female friends that he sees by himself. You either trust them or you don't and he has never given me any reason not to trust him (nor I him)

Gah81 · 28/10/2017 10:18

Not boyfriend, fiancé. Blast. Why can I never remember to use that word?!

NameChangeFamousFolk · 28/10/2017 10:20

Topseyt

He would not meet another woman on his own

Why on earth not? I know you say that you're both bubbling over with happiness at your 'set up' but it sounds very...odd.

Seriously, why wouldn't either of you NOT meet a member of the opposite sex for a coffee??

I know some splendidly happy couples - I'm half of one Grin - but never encountered that attitude before!

bigfatfeet · 28/10/2017 10:21

I think Topseyt is Mike Pence.

SendintheArdwolves · 28/10/2017 10:22

Weird though topsyt s never-alone-with-the-opposite-gender rules might seem, she isn't asking for opinions, just providing a useful window into how your friends GF might be feeling.

If the GF is also as rigid about your friend nor being allowed to see you, then there's not much you can do. She will never be comfortable with it (irrational though that is) she has no interest in compromise or changing her mind, and she will never be persuaded that it is ok. It's not about trusting him, or seeing you as not a threat, it's a deep down, irrational lack of imagination and very black and white thinking about behaviour in relationships.
Your best bet? Be straight with your friend, say it's clear she isn't going to allow a meeting, and you will restrict your friendship to email/messages. Then just hope he dumps her at some point.

Luttrell · 28/10/2017 10:23

I think that's really sad. My DH has female friends from Uni and I have male friends via sports and bilingual practice... I couldn't be in some pseudo Puritan relationship where we can't have opposite sex friends. To discount half the population as a possible friend seems so lonely.

ShellyBoobs · 28/10/2017 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Etymology23 · 28/10/2017 10:25

I recognise that everyone gets to choose how they conduct their relationships but to me not allowing yourself or your partner to meet friends of the opposite sex on their own strikes me as quite extraordinary!

Would it be ok if the opposite sex friend was homosexual, or does it apply to all males/females regardless of sexuality?

I go out for dinner with old (and less old) male friends, never mind coffee. I just cannot imagine being in a relationship where I would believe this to be unacceptable.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 28/10/2017 10:25

I find it baffling that there are people out there so controlling that they cannot countenance the idea of their partner meeting a friend of the opposite sex. I also find it amusing because it does rather suggest that they think their partner is such a studly catch that they just can't trust the "friend" not to throw themselves at him!

Both DH and I have friends of the opposite sex and - shock horror - sometimes we meet them for 1-2-1 catch ups. I went for breakfast in a cafe with a male friend of mine this week - just the two of us. DH's only comment was to ask me to send his regards. DH went for a lunchtime coffee with a female colleague that he gets on well with - I've met her, she's a nice girl, end of. I told him a joke that I thought she'd like. We talk about our friends with each other but I don't need to police his social interactions. Firstly because I trust him and secondly, because I can't be arsed!

OP it doesn't sound as if this friendship is destined to last. I would send him a short message explaining that it has become apparent that his GF is uncomfortable with you both meeting up, so you are not going to make arrangements or contact him again. Then look for other friends.

Gemini69 · 28/10/2017 10:29

I find the comments on this Thread rather IRONIC Hmm

Topseyt · 28/10/2017 10:29

Yes, Shelly. We do that regularly. We are of the same view. He is happy, I am happy. For us it works and we are not interested in doing anything else.

Rudgie47 · 28/10/2017 10:30

I have known a lot of men in my time who have blown off frriends and given their girlfriend as an excuse. If he wanted to see you he would do, hes blowing you off and making excuses.
IMO your friendship with him is over and you need to be looking a making new friends.Dont be a mug offering more chances to him to let him treat you like trash. Move on now.

CakeLoving · 28/10/2017 10:31

My boyfriend (Dh now) maintained a friendship with his ex wife. She helped him through a breakdown just before I met him, and he introduced me to her. I never had any qualms about them meeting for coffee. And that's his ex wife!

She's now one of my very closest friends and we see each other more than he does. She's godmother to our daughter and I feel very lucky I wasn't so close minded I couldn't allow such a good friend to Dh a place in our lives, because she was a a female, let alone an ex wife.

Obviously if I'd sensed unfinished business in their dynamic things would have been very very different though.

Maybe that's what your friends girlfriend is feeling? Any chance from his side? A few stupid comments from him about how pretty/funny/ whatever you are is all it would have taken id guess...

WetPaint4 · 28/10/2017 10:37

OP just let him know you know what may be going on. Something like "if this is an issue with your gf, just say so, I can understand. I'll always be here for you but maybe you just need to take some time and deal with your relationship because I'd rather not have my time wasted."

Summerswallow · 28/10/2017 10:41

I've been in the situation, and it more or less finished the friendship in the old form of being able to meet up for coffee/lunch, with a friend who I'd known since primary school. I am still in touch though and over the years his excessively possessive girlfriend has settled down a bit and is slightly more relaxed about the idea of old friends meeting up (in this case it was about any friends, not just women).

Sad, but people make their choices in life. I can't imagine having to choose between a partner and my friends, or make my partner do it either, but some people are just terrified of any male/female contact at all and need to monitor it at all times.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/10/2017 10:41

I think you should have a straight conversation with him about it - just say that your time is limited when you visit and you can't be doing with him messing you around. If his GF is never going to let him see you alone, then fine - your relationship will have to be "downgraded" to virtual contact only. But ask him to please stop messing you around and getting you to set aside time for him that he then doesn't honour, because that's rude.

TidyDancer · 28/10/2017 10:43

OP there is nothing you can do about this. Your friend may not have a backbone when it comes to standing up to his girlfriend. The only thing you can do is decide if you’re willing to tolerate it and wait for him to come to his senses (if he does).

@Topseyt you have a very unhealthy attitude towards friendships. It doesn’t matter if you don’t want to change the way things are, having controlling attitudes in relationships, even if the pair of you feel the same way, is awful.

permatiredmum · 28/10/2017 10:43

Sorry I am not going to mince words here, but you seem slow on the uptake!

he has cancelled 5 times and you haven't taken the hint?

moomoo222 · 28/10/2017 10:47

Despite Topseyt's distictly odd set up (quite how or why you would ban half the population from being friends with the person you are in a relationship with on the basis of what they have in their pants is baffling!).

I would say you won't have to wait long until your friendship is resumed - I can't imagine many people putting up with that kind of behaviour/jealousy/weirdness for long so hopefully he'll come to his senses rather than have a lifetime of that!

Miserylovescompany2 · 28/10/2017 10:54

Are you 100% sure it's the GF? Maybe she's a convenient excuse. I know you've said there has never been anything romantic between the two of you - did he ever have feelings for you?

PurpleMinionMummy · 28/10/2017 10:58

Go out all together? There's nothing wrong with having maintaining such friendships but it does look fishy if a partner is specifically excluded and made unwelcome to join.

ZaZathecat · 28/10/2017 10:59

The gf may not be 'controlling' just insecure in a new relationship? I don't mind who dh meets for coffee now after 25 years married, but in our first year together I might have been a bit worried/jealous as I didn't fully know him yet.