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Original poster

Friend cancelling (again)

218 replies

Darknessinthevalley · 28/10/2017 09:29

So my friend, of about a decade, never used to be flaky but his girlfriend is really difficult.
He's just cancelled on me for the fifth time in as many months, and I know it's because his girlfriend kicks off. She doesn't like me, and for some reason thinks I'm after him. She has no reason to believe this, there's never been anything there, and I'm happily married.
However, I don't blame her. Surely he needs to either stand up to her or not make plans with me? Obviously, this is something he needs to deal with in his relationship, and I blame him 100%.
I'm getting sick of this though. He lives in our home town, and I don't, so whenever I travel back, I make an effort to fit him in, around seeing my parents, step parents, grandparents and siblings. And every time lately he's cancelled, citing his girlfriend.
I'm sick of just saying, OK I'll see you next time, but I don't want to cause more problems.
I'm pretty sure I'm not being unreasonable but I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm reluctant to lose the friendship as we're both ASD and it's so nice having someone that understands that when masking gets super hard and stuff.

OP posts:
Motoko · 28/10/2017 22:41

No Topsy, all you said was that you and your husband have friends who are gay and bi. That doesn't answer the question at all.

Topseyt · 28/10/2017 23:41

Ah, Pandora. So you finally accept that we trust each other. Congratulations on that realisation. Took you long enough. We wouldn't go out alone with members of the opposite sex because it just isn't our thing. In fact, going out and socialising much at all isn't our thing because we don't like it, can't be arsed and prefer being at home.

Motoko, yes, it was answered. Not a problem and not relevant. Stop being a stuck record.

ReturnofSaturn · 29/10/2017 00:13

I also agree with Topseyt and sun posters.
It says a lot when Topseyt has remained calm throughout and calmly said how happy her marriage is and dont care if peope think its 'crazy' or 'controlling.'
Yet the posters who just absolutely insist that they love their husband meeting female friends are soo defensive and like a dog with a bone.....
Me think thou doth protest too much and all that....

No woman friend or relative i know in real life would be happy with that.

Posters here can say theyre completely cool with it until theyre blue in the face. Doesn't mean i have to believe them.

ShellyBoobs · 29/10/2017 00:17

I can't believe my post got deleted.

Topsy said she'd be 'most annoyed' if her DH met up with a female friend and would make her 'displeasure known'. Before going on to say she'd 'been happily married for 25 years'.

I asked if her husband had also been happily married for 25 years, given the above.

So she got me deleted.

Brilliant Grin

ThePants999 · 29/10/2017 00:58

Ah, Pandora. So you finally accept that we trust each other. Congratulations on that realisation. Took you long enough.

Amazing. Goes on about Pandora "twisting" things. Comes out with that. What's that you say, pot? The kettle's black?

Honeycombcrunch · 29/10/2017 01:21

Darkness, I think you have to accept that you won't see your friend while he is in this relationship. If the gf isn't comfortable with your friendship, it's unfortunate but you have to deal with the reality of her being the priority over you now. She is never going to be a 'cool wife'.

Topseyt · 29/10/2017 01:56

I didn't report you, Shelly. I was surprised it was deleted too. I've seen far worse on here left to stand.

It was a reasonable question which I answered.

DancingOnParsnips · 29/10/2017 01:59

How did it go op?

TheStoic · 29/10/2017 02:07

A couple who each choose not to go out alone with members of the opposite sex must apparently have trust issues.

It’s not that it’s YOUR choice...it’s that if your husband did it there would be ‘consequences’.

Not exactly free choice, then, is it?

What would the consequences be?

Italiangreyhound · 29/10/2017 02:12

Darknessinthevalley I think there are lots of things you can do. But first of all how did meeting your friend and his dp go?

His cancelling on you five times is very annoying and I think in your shoes I would:
Go on skyping and chatting, and encourage him to do this openly so his partner doesn't see you as a threat.
Make yourself available to meet up when you are back home but make it really low key, pop round to my parents for a drink, bring your partner if you like etc,
Make it clear to him if he is not free to see you, to say

If she is really controlling maybe he will get fed up with her and things will change.

I've kept few friends from the past, one is man I used to fancy and who used to fancy me, but not at the same time! we are both happily married, to other people, with kids, and my dh has no issues with me meeting up with him for lunch. Sometimes his wife and kids come, sometimes him and one child, sometimes just him. I've known him for 36 years. Old friends are valuable, don't give up on your friend but do tell him the cancelling needs to stop.

Topseyt · 29/10/2017 02:36

The obvious consequences would be loss of the trust which we currently have, not that either of us would risk that.

TheStoic · 29/10/2017 02:53

So you trust him to do exactly what you want? And if he made the ‘wrong’ choice he’d lose your trust?

You know that’s not actually trust, right?

prettygirlincrimsonrose · 29/10/2017 03:25

sunandmoonshine

You're reading of this is incredibly selective. OP clearly said she was bi, very early on in the thread. She also said this friend talks to her a lot, but just cancels when they've arranged to meet up one on one (which incidentally is pretty shit of him).

On the other hand you keep going on about the fact she fancies him and has convinced herself the girlfriends jealous even though a) there's nothing between her and her friend, just that they maybe found each other a bit attractive when they were teenagers i.e. several years ago, b) she's happily married, c) the friend has admitted to cancelling because of the girlfriend and she's sent semi-abusive texts to OP, this isn't some fantasy she's made up.

I know some people on MN have to argue against the OP on principle but you're completely misreading everything she's posted and then ironically accusing practically everyone else (i.e. all the people who are responding to the actual situation here) of picking bits to suit what they think.

And no, thinking someone with a partner shouldn't spend time alone with a friend of the opposite sex is not the 'sane' point of view.

graziemille · 29/10/2017 03:31

Topsey
I’m just being nosy, but if a male friend saw you in a coffee shop and joined you would you find that ok?
Total respect about how you live your life btw.

ReturnofSaturn · 29/10/2017 03:48

Wow there seems to be alot of posters over invested and obsessed with your relationship Topseyt! Maybe they are looking for the secret to a happy marriage too Wink

Ginglealltheway · 29/10/2017 04:59

So you don't believe other posters would be 'completely cool' with their partners meeting friends of the opposite sex, but happy to believe Topseyt's 25 years of happy married bliss ReturnofSaturn Wink

fucksakefay · 29/10/2017 05:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ReturnofSaturn · 29/10/2017 06:12

No I don't believe the posters who say they're cool with it. That's my prerogative. I'm not gonna interrogate those posters on it however as their relationships do not affect me.

I don't necessarily believe Topseyt is happy, I don't know her. She says she is. So why does it matter so much? She says shes happy with her setup and other people say they're happy with their setups being happy with the female friends thing. So everyone's happy then. Winner winner.

It begins to smack a little of 'protesting too much' with some posters going on and on about it.

Ginglealltheway · 29/10/2017 06:23

It matters enough for you to suggest that Topseyt's arrangement is the secret to a happy marriage 😂

ReturnofSaturn · 29/10/2017 06:30

I really think you need to let it go...Smile

catsarenice · 29/10/2017 06:34

I'm wondering if @Topseyt is the wife of one of my old colleagues? I met him for coffee a couple of months ago and whilst we were chatting he asked me not to post on FB that he had met me because he hadn't told his wife. Apparently she wouldn't like it.... I was a bit Confused especially as he is almost 20 years older than me and I'd recently had a baby. Very bizarre....!

Ginglealltheway · 29/10/2017 06:35

Ah. Yes. It's me! 😂

pictish · 29/10/2017 07:32

I hate the ‘cool wife’ shit that gets pedalled out on here because quite often ‘cool wife’ actually translates as ‘reasonable human being’.

This is one of those times. Posters sneering at others for being cool wives when in fact, it’s simply about not being jealous twats.

ShellyBoobs · 29/10/2017 08:15

My apologies, Topseyt.

I wrongly assumed you must have taken the hump with the question as it was seemingly so innocuous I didn’t think anyone else would even notice it, let alone report it.

PandorasXbox · 29/10/2017 08:40

Yep Pictish.
I just wish people like Topsey and her mate Sun would own the fact that they are insecure and jealous instead of skirting round the questions when asked why they don’t want their H’s going for a coffee with an old female friend or colleague.

Makes them look daft.