Friend cancelling (again)

[Darknessinthevalley]

So my friend, of about a decade, never used to be flaky but his girlfriend is really difficult.
He's just cancelled on me for the fifth time in as many months, and I know it's because his girlfriend kicks off. She doesn't like me, and for some reason thinks I'm after him. She has no reason to believe this, there's never been anything there, and I'm happily married.
However, I don't blame her. Surely he needs to either stand up to her or not make plans with me? Obviously, this is something he needs to deal with in his relationship, and I blame him 100%.
I'm getting sick of this though. He lives in our home town, and I don't, so whenever I travel back, I make an effort to fit him in, around seeing my parents, step parents, grandparents and siblings. And every time lately he's cancelled, citing his girlfriend.
I'm sick of just saying, OK I'll see you next time, but I don't want to cause more problems.
I'm pretty sure I'm not being unreasonable but I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm reluctant to lose the friendship as we're both ASD and it's so nice having someone that understands that when masking gets super hard and stuff.

Whatever his reasons, it doesn't really matter and won't change the fact that he'll carry on cancelling.

I would stop trying to contact him -- no point. I am sure he'll figure it out.

OP, I agree that you might just have to get the message. It is perfectly possible that he uses his GF as an excuse. You might have to accept his position. In your situation, I'd take the hint and move on.

Topseyt I'm genuinely curious why neither of you are 'allowed' to be with a member of the opposite sex, without a chaperone. I've literally never encountered it before.

Far from being proof of happiness, it truly sounds like the very opposite. Assuming your husband goes out into the world without you from time to time, I have no idea how he could possible avoid being alone with a woman now and then. Is he expected to run from the room? Telephone you to ask for permission?

You're protesting your mutual happiness quite a lot, I honestly hope your relationship is otherwise respectful and supportive - it actually doesn't sound as though you trust each other very much at all.

I'm shocked there's actually people on here that think men and women cant just be friends.
How do you go out as couples? Are you either all over each others husbands or ignoring them because you cant have a friendship with the opposite sex?

Jealously that controls you this much never ends well.

Maybe I am slow on the uptake, but we talk loads so it's definitely only in person contact that's a problem. I'm sure there's not an element of him trying to cut me out. He's been with his girlfriend a year, but I was living abroad when they got together, so I don't think she really knew much about me, although I know he mentioned me to her, because a mutual friend told me.
He may have had feelings for me, I think we both fancied each other a bit as teens but it never went anywhere, and never got more than that, in my mind anyways.
As it goes for this weekend, I got a bit more assertive and I'm going over to theirs, so she can get to know me better. Apparently her suggestion so that might be interesting.

Topseyt
Are you Muslim?
I think your behaviour is more prevalent in Muslim marriages.

I'd like to know how a relationship like topsy's works in a couple where one is bi, like the OP is.

Is the bi person not allowed to go out with ANY friends on a 1-2-1 basis.

I'm guessing topsy would say she'd never have a relationship with a bi man, nor her husband with a bi woman.

To me, it shows a lack of trust and an element of control.

Definitely not Muslim. I assure you.

@Topseyt don't pay any attention to what everyone is saying on this thread. Remember, you are in the parallel universe of mumsnet here, where there are dozens of totally chillaxed women who would be absolutely fine with their husband/life partner meeting up with another woman without anyone else there.

No matter whether it's a work colleague, an old friend, a new friend, an acquaintance, a neighbour, an old neighbour, a friend's wife or girlfriend, whatever. They are totally super cool chicks, who are relaxed and happy with their man meeting up with another woman with no-one else there.

They would probably be OK with them staying in the same hotel room too, and maybe even the same bed, coz 'hey man, they are just 'platonic friends' and I am totally secure in my relationship and trust my man implicitly, so yeaaaah, of COURSE it's OK for him to meet up with another woman - alone - just the two of them.'

Anyone who is uncomfortable with it, is accused of being 'massively controlling' and insecure and needy and clingy, and having a 'shit relationship' with 'no trust.' Even when Topseyt said her husband feels the same and they are both happy, someone said 'you say YOU are happy in the relationship, have you asked HIM if he is?!' Implying he is not, in a very underhand and snide manner.

And why the fuck is 'you sound insecure' used as an INSULT? People can't HELP it, and many people would feel the same about their life partner seeing a member of the opposite sex - ALONE. Many women and men would feel uneasy about it - don't pretend that's not true.

Mumsnet never ceases to amaze me sometimes. What a bunch of snide, judgemental, unpleasant people there are on this thread.

As for the OP;

@darknessinthevalley you're just going to have to get over yourself;. Your male platonic friend has a new favourite woman in his life. If he wanted to see you, he would. The fact that you call this new woman of his 'super controlling,' when she is probably just a bit insecure, shows what kind of a person you are, and maybe this is why your male friend is not bothering with you anymore. Who knows what you have said to him, and what comments you have made about his girlfriend, but bailing on you 5 times should give you the hint that he is done with you.

sun and oh dear, you've misunderstood. The point isn't that we'd be happy with them meeting literally anyone,it's that to distinguish purely on the basis of that person's sex rather than who they actually are is bizarre in the extreme. Hope that helps.

...where there are dozens of totally chillaxed women who would be absolutely fine with their husband/life partner meeting up with another woman without anyone else there

Why on earth would anyone object to it? I'm not a totally super cool chick, but why on earth would I mind if DH meets his old secretary for lunch, or an colleague from a few years back. They're both really nice women who worked with him for over 15 years.

How far do you extend this? Is it okay if the woman is over 70 years of age, for example? In a same sex relationship?

Absolutely bizarre.

What a bunch of snide, judgemental, unpleasant people there are on this thread

Oh the irony.

Thank you sunandmoon. Yes, definitely a parallel universe. I have read just about all of what you say on other threads over the years.

Nobody I know would be happy with it. That is very likely the angle that the girlfriend is coming at this from.

OP is being given a message by this couple that she doesn't want to hear, but it isn't going to stop.

I just find all these totally chill axed people hard to take seriously. A quick read of the relationships board about all the cheating partners and worse doesn't bear them out at all.

I always keep my rhino hide on when I am looking at AIBU or anything similar.

Hope full OP your meeting up with the f2f too at their home will put her more at ease, hope it goes well. Xx
On another note I'm off for the weekend with a male friend soon. We're both happily married, just have a shared interest neither of our partners share so we're going to an event together while respective partners are at home with the kids. I'm 110% sure we'll manage to keep our hands to ourselves 😂😂

A. Hi, I'm in town on Tuesday. Fancy lunch? It would be great to catch up for an hour before my train.

B. Yep, that would be great. See you then.

A. Lovely - looking forward to it. Did you remember that I have ovaries?

B. Oh FUCK. Sorry. I can't have lunch with you unless a third party is present.

Yep. All perfectly normal.

This crops up on here a lot - the men/women as friends thing.

Its an abusive control mechanism for insecure partners.

Abusive men we know a lot about. People like Topseyt less so but they are out there.

sunandmoon I don't need to be his favourite woman, I'm not a child. I'm happy he's with someone but she isn't new, they've been together a year. He has told me other ways she is controlling, so yes that's a fair assessment.
He isn't 'done with me' thanks, we still talk an awful lot. You have made an awful lot of assumptions and just seem quite angry generally.

Ah, Scottish, so you know where my DH and I are right now, do you?.

Out doing different things in different places with different people. Very controlling and abusive. Not alone with members of the opposite sex though.

We both laughed at the insanity on this thread earlier. You are obviously part of that.

I am currently out with a male friend without a chaperone.

He is a dog.

What do you think would happen if you were out with someone of the opposite sex Topsey? I’m intrigued to know how your brain is wired.

and I know it's because his girlfriend kicks off.

Do you know this for sure though? Has he told you this? I only ask because I'm about to cancel on a friend for the 3rd time. First time was because I had an emergency at work, 2nd time was due DS being off school with norovirus and this time it's because I forgot I had a doctor's appointment at our arranged time. I'm not flaky in the slightest, usually! and hate letting people down, I just forgot.

Topseyt Wow! Your DH is BANNED from being alone with women?! Trust?????

sunandmoonshine that is the Best post ever .. hahahahaaaaa brilliant

Scrabble he usually has an excuse up front, but within a couple days tells me the truth. I also frequently get semi-abusive texts from her. So yeah, I am fairly sure that's why.
Honestly, if he said can we just stick to WhatsApp for now if upsets her, and that he was working on her insecurity a bit to help her, because she clearly is upset about something, I'd be fine. It's him fucking me about I object to.

If you are getting semi-abusive texts from her and the brush off from him, then the writing is on the wall for this friendship.

I can't imagine a life in which I can't be out with an old male friend from years ago, and I work with a lot of men so am often working on a one to one. That said, I wouldn't probably ask a new male friend out for a coffee precisely because it could be misinterpreted. Both me and my husband have opposite sex friends and it's not a big deal, but I'm aware that it is for others and do curb my own behaviour around that (not at work obviously, where I work 'alone' with men or have meetings frequently!)

I wish the people who are against friends of the opposite gender, would answer the question about bi people. I'd REALLY like to know how that works.