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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend cancelling (again)

218 replies

Darknessinthevalley · 28/10/2017 09:29

So my friend, of about a decade, never used to be flaky but his girlfriend is really difficult.
He's just cancelled on me for the fifth time in as many months, and I know it's because his girlfriend kicks off. She doesn't like me, and for some reason thinks I'm after him. She has no reason to believe this, there's never been anything there, and I'm happily married.
However, I don't blame her. Surely he needs to either stand up to her or not make plans with me? Obviously, this is something he needs to deal with in his relationship, and I blame him 100%.
I'm getting sick of this though. He lives in our home town, and I don't, so whenever I travel back, I make an effort to fit him in, around seeing my parents, step parents, grandparents and siblings. And every time lately he's cancelled, citing his girlfriend.
I'm sick of just saying, OK I'll see you next time, but I don't want to cause more problems.
I'm pretty sure I'm not being unreasonable but I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm reluctant to lose the friendship as we're both ASD and it's so nice having someone that understands that when masking gets super hard and stuff.

OP posts:

Topseyt · 28/10/2017 20:43

Pandora, he simply wouldn't want to go with anyone. Not a question that ever arises. We both like our own company and our own solitude.

Anathema, I did address that and say that we have bi and lesbian family and friends. Never a problem.

Invisible, of course we know it is possible to have innocent friendships with both sexes. We both have those, but aren't really interested in having huge circles of friends and prefer our own little bubble. We choose it that way.

Rightknockered, I already talked about work colleagues upthread in case you missed it. No problem. Those are professional relationships and kept that way. Cordial and professional only. Both of us. No problems at all with them being opposite sex, but carry on trying to invent a problem if this is your Saturday night amusement. .

Topseyt · 28/10/2017 20:47

Sun, she did say she was bi. I think it was very early in the thread.

I still agree with you though that it makes no difference because OP also admitted that she used to fancy him.

PandorasXbox · 28/10/2017 20:52

My spouting bollocks comment wasn’t because you didn’t agree with me.

It was because you were spouting bollocks.

Read the thread properly too. The OP says quite clearly that she’s bi.

sunandmoonshine · 28/10/2017 20:54

Thanks 'tops.' I can't see the post where she said she was bisexual, but yeah, it makes fuck-all difference, as she admitted to fancying him.

LOL-ing at how people are swerving responding to that VERY salient piece of information!!!

sunandmoonshine · 28/10/2017 20:55

I DID NOT SEE IT.

And so fucking what if she is BI?

SHE ADMITTED TO FANCYING HER MALE FRIEND.

Nothing to say about that eh?

I'm not the one talking bollocks HUN.

sunandmoonshine · 28/10/2017 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PandorasXbox · 28/10/2017 20:58

The OP says they might have fancied each other as teens but it didn’t go anywhere.

PandorasXbox · 28/10/2017 20:59

Have been on the wine or are you always this dramatic and annoying?

Topseyt · 28/10/2017 21:01

Sun, people are ignoring the inconvenient point.

You aren't talking bollocks.

Apparently because DH and I are monogamous and do not go on dates with other members of the opposite sex we must be in a mutually abusive relationship. You really couldn't make it up. I find it utterly bizarre, and even hilarious.

I don't believe a word any of these keyboard warriors are saying.

StarUtopia · 28/10/2017 21:03

I'm still great friends with my ex (tbh, we only really split up because I wanted kids and he didn't, devastating).

I'm moved on (we're talking 10 + yrs ago now) and happily married. Ex and DH get on great.

Ex has met new woman and got married out of the blue! His wife still won't meet me. I think some women are just bloody odd!

I wouldn't say ex cancels on me as such because he has popped round to see both of us a few times since being married. But we've both given up on asking to meet her.

I think you need to just drop this. This gf is obviously causing him grief.

Topseyt · 28/10/2017 21:04

Nobody says might have fancied each other if there was nothing there. Teenage fling or not.

PandorasXbox · 28/10/2017 21:04

Nobody is talking about going on dates with members of the opposite sex.

We are talking about going for a coffee with an old friend/colleague or neighbour etc. Or sharing a hobby with someone of the opposite sex. Very different to going on a date with someone fgs.

PandorasXbox · 28/10/2017 21:05

And you don’t want to believe what anyone is saying because it makes you look even more ridiculous and controlling.

Topseyt · 28/10/2017 21:14

Think what you want, Pandora. I haven't had such a hilarious day on MN for years. It's been brilliant seeing the way people twist and invent things, and ignore inconvenient facts for their own agenda. Also, how supposedly intelligent people decide that they absolutely know you from your online posts, when they have never met you. The reality isn't always what you might expect.

No, I really don't believe you. Happy to look ridiculous and controlling if you want to think that way.

Next!

PandorasXbox · 28/10/2017 21:17

How on earth have I twisted anything?
Where?

Topseyt · 28/10/2017 21:24

All the way through the thread, Pandora. You are quite a master of it.

A couple who each choose not to go out alone with members of the opposite sex must apparently have trust issues. No. They might just be perfectly content as they are and think that you should keep your nose out.

PandorasXbox · 28/10/2017 21:26

Erm that isn’t twisting things Topsey. It’s called having an opinion on something.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 28/10/2017 21:32

I've said this before but I know someone who gets on so well with her ex (she has since remarried) that she still sometime goes on holidays/trips with him. And no I don't mean for the sake of the children as they are all adults now and no longer go.

And no her husband doesn't mind.

Topseyt · 28/10/2017 21:44

No, Pandora. It is twisting things you have read in a few internet posts. People are much more complex than can ever be conveyed that way.

You don't actually know me or my family and our circumstances at all, so it is a judgment you have made rather than an opinion based on researched fact.

Motoko · 28/10/2017 21:47

Actually, Topsy and Sun, the bisexual question has not been answered.

The actual question was, if you believe that once a person is partnered up, they shouldn't go out for coffee/dinner with a person of the other sex, how does that work if one of the couple is bisexual? Is the bisexual partner not allowed out for coffee/meal with a friend of either sex?

PandorasXbox · 28/10/2017 21:49

Do you know what the word twisting means Topsey? Because your replies make no sense to what I’ve said.

Topseyt · 28/10/2017 22:01

Don't be obtuse, Pandora.

You can't have an opinion on something you really know nothing about, and you don't (thankfully) know me or my family at all.

All you are doing is twisting everything that is said in a few internet posts so that it meets your ridiculous agenda of saying that my DH and I cannot trust ourselves or each other.

Hope you understand that now.

Motoko, it has been dealt with. It isn't a problem, and isn't relevant. I see no need to answer it again.

pictish · 28/10/2017 22:02

So what if she used to fancy him? Seriously....so bloody what?
I used to fancy Colin Sturrock at school. I don't fancy him now. Bloody nice fella, would have a beer with him...but I don't fancy him.
"She admitted she used to fancy him."
Grow up.

PandorasXbox · 28/10/2017 22:09

So if it isn’t because you don’t trust him why on earth would you object him having a coffee with an old friend?

What other reason could you have?

pictish · 28/10/2017 22:17

And sunandmoonshine - that extended post on the previous page in which you detail your imaginings about what's going on between the OP and her pal...omg!
Don't make shit up in your head then post as though you've got it all sussed...it makes you seem like a self important fantasist. Embarrassing.

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