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Original poster

Friend cancelling (again)

218 replies

Darknessinthevalley · 28/10/2017 09:29

So my friend, of about a decade, never used to be flaky but his girlfriend is really difficult.
He's just cancelled on me for the fifth time in as many months, and I know it's because his girlfriend kicks off. She doesn't like me, and for some reason thinks I'm after him. She has no reason to believe this, there's never been anything there, and I'm happily married.
However, I don't blame her. Surely he needs to either stand up to her or not make plans with me? Obviously, this is something he needs to deal with in his relationship, and I blame him 100%.
I'm getting sick of this though. He lives in our home town, and I don't, so whenever I travel back, I make an effort to fit him in, around seeing my parents, step parents, grandparents and siblings. And every time lately he's cancelled, citing his girlfriend.
I'm sick of just saying, OK I'll see you next time, but I don't want to cause more problems.
I'm pretty sure I'm not being unreasonable but I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm reluctant to lose the friendship as we're both ASD and it's so nice having someone that understands that when masking gets super hard and stuff.

OP posts:
scottishdiem · 28/10/2017 16:07

We both laughed at the insanity on this thread earlier. You are obviously part of that.

Perhaps but I think you have been drinking the last part of suns name...

sunandmoonshine · 28/10/2017 16:43

@darknessinthevalley

He may have had feelings for me, I think we both fancied each other a bit as teens but it never went anywhere, and never got more than that, in my mind anyways.

Drip drip drip feed....... Never mentioned THAT in your opening post did you eh? Wink

I also frequently get semi-abusive texts from her

Almost 80 posts in before you mentioned this. Convenient.

sunandmoon, you seem quite angry generally.

Wrong. When someone gives an opinion you don't like, it doesn't mean they' re angry. It just means you don't like their opinion.

Your male friend just ain't into you anymore. Move on.

PandorasXbox · 28/10/2017 16:50

What a load of bollocks sunandmoon you spout.

This is an old friend the OP is talking about, not a new colleague or new friend that she’s happened to hook up with. There is nothing wrong with men being friends with women and catching up with them.

You and Topsey sound very similar.

Topseyt · 28/10/2017 17:00

Sunandmoon, I am beginning to think that we are the only sane ones on the thread.

Who cares if we are similar!

Protecting, he is not banned from seeing other women, but there would be consequences.

Scottishdiem, I last had moonshine many years ago, with DH. Would love some more. Smile

PandorasXbox · 28/10/2017 17:03

Sane ones? What thinking it’s wrong for married men and women to have friends of the opposite sex?

Yeah rightio Confused

sunandmoonshine · 28/10/2017 17:33

Yeah I think we ARE the only sane ones on here!

Here's what I think.

The fact that she said 'we used to fancy each other' spoke volumes to me. She used to fancy him more like, and he just humoured her.

The OP has always fancied her male friend, and still has a flame burning for him, and he doesn't feel the same - and never has. And it is KILLING her that he has another woman, because she hoped it would be her some day. He probably flirted back with her X amount of years ago for a laugh and in the name of banter, but he has never fancied her or been interested in her romantically.

Now he has found someone else, she is incandescent with jealousy, and has created this 'my male friend's girlfriend won't let me see him even though we are just friends, and she is a jealous clingy controlling bitch' scenario in her head. The reason the girlfriend doesn't want her to see him, is because she knows she fancies her boyfriend.

I have met women like the OP before, who are incensed that the male friend that they secretly fancy has a girlfriend, and they do nothing but slag off his girlfriend and come up with all kinds of shit about how controlling she is because she won't let him see her. Bollocks. If he wanted to see you he would. The fact is that he knows, and his girlfriend knows, that the OP fancies him, and she is spreading shit about his girlfriend, and he doesn't like it.

Am I right @darknessinthevalley?

Probably eh?

And no, me and @Topseyt are not the same poster, as someone hinted.

And whilst I don't think that 'no man should ever have a female friend,' I don't believe all the claims on here from the women claiming they would be FINE with their husband socialising with a female friend, alone, without her (on a regular basis..) Maybe a few women would be cool with it, but many would not. And many men would not be OK with their wife/girlfriend doing it either. Especially if they knew that person fancied them.

Topseyt · 28/10/2017 17:34

Not wrong at all, Pandora, and unavoidable unless you live in a bubble.

Common sense though. I would never arrange to go and meet up with another man on a one to one basis. DH would not make any specific arrangements to meet up with other women either. Neither are banned from doing so, but neither of us would be impressed with the other if they did that.

We are happy with the way we conduct our relationship. Everyone else can conduct theirs as they please too. People can find us sane or insane. Either is fine by us.

Topseyt · 28/10/2017 17:46

Sunandmoonshine, I wonder if you are right that one or more of them mentioned to the girlfriend that they "used to fancy each other" and then expected her to be cool with them meeting up alone together. When she wasn't cool with it she became thought of as controlling and abusive.

Few people would really be too comfortable with that. Here though, we have a bunch of keyboard warriors, who are cool with anything. You can afford to be, when you are anonymous and just at your keyboard.

I don't believe all of them.

PandorasXbox · 28/10/2017 17:47

What do you think would happen if you had a coffee alone with a man Topsey?

Topseyt · 28/10/2017 18:01

I wouldn't be interested, Pandora. I prefer to sit on my own in a coffee shop and read.

The situation would therefore never arise.

sunandmoonshine · 28/10/2017 18:03

@Topseyt

Common sense though. I would never arrange to go and meet up with another man on a one to one basis. DH would not make any specific arrangements to meet up with other women either. Neither are banned from doing so, but neither of us would be impressed with the other if they did that.

We are happy with the way we conduct our relationship. Everyone else can conduct theirs as they please too. People can find us sane or insane. Either is fine by us.

This ^ would be the scenario for most couples. (Despite most women on here claiming something different.) And it's nothing to do with the 'quality of your relationship' or insecurity or trust blah blah blah, it's not normal when you're in a married couple, to keep socialising with a member of the opposite sex without your spouse. It's pretty unusual actually.

Sunandmoonshine, I wonder if you are right that one or more of them mentioned to the girlfriend that they "used to fancy each other" and then expected her to be cool with them meeting up alone together. When she wasn't cool with it she became thought of as controlling and abusive.

Yep this is what has happened 'tops.' I have seen it happen before. A woman with a male friend (who she has secretly fancied for years,) gets a girlfriend, and she gets jealous, and claims the girlfriend is controlling, and jealous of her.

The fact that the OP's male friend is not wanting to meet her any longer suggests that my theory up there ^ is correct. He knows the OP fancies him, and the OP probably made sure his girlfriend knows it too, and it's creating insecurities in the girlfriend (understandably!) The male friend of the OP is not wanting to meet the OP because he knows she fancies him, he is not interested in her, and he has too much respect for his girlfriend to keep meeting up with a female friend who fancies him.

sunandmoonshine · 28/10/2017 18:05

@Topseyt

Common sense though. I would never arrange to go and meet up with another man on a one to one basis. DH would not make any specific arrangements to meet up with other women either. Neither are banned from doing so, but neither of us would be impressed with the other if they did that.

We are happy with the way we conduct our relationship. Everyone else can conduct theirs as they please too. People can find us sane or insane. Either is fine by us.

This ^ would be the scenario for most couples. (Despite most women on here claiming something different.) And it's nothing to do with the 'quality of your relationship' or insecurity or trust blah blah blah, it's not normal when you're in a married couple, to keep socialising with a member of the opposite sex without your spouse. It's pretty unusual actually.

Sunandmoonshine, I wonder if you are right that one or more of them mentioned to the girlfriend that they "used to fancy each other" and then expected her to be cool with them meeting up alone together. When she wasn't cool with it she became thought of as controlling and abusive.

Yep this is what has happened 'tops.' I have seen it happen before. A woman has a male friend (who she has secretly fancied for years,) he gets a girlfriend, and she gets jealous, and claims the girlfriend is controlling, and jealous of her.

The fact that the OP's male friend is not wanting to meet her any longer suggests that my theory up there ^ is correct. He knows the OP fancies him, and the OP probably made sure his girlfriend knows it too, and it's creating insecurities in the girlfriend (understandably!) The male friend of the OP is not wanting to meet the OP because he knows she fancies him, he is not interested in her, and he has too much respect for his girlfriend to keep meeting up with a female friend who fancies him.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 28/10/2017 18:09

I feel like I've entered the twilight zone

PandorasXbox · 28/10/2017 18:11

The old “ cool wife “ crap is tiresome.
DH has a female friend that he shares a hobby with along with a few other men. Sometimes it’s just him and her. I don’t have a problem with this at all.

Nor fucking should I!

Olddear · 28/10/2017 18:18

Topseyt 'there would be consequences' Shocklike what???

Topseyt · 28/10/2017 18:25

OP is more talking about a meet-up along the lines of a date, especially as she admits that they used to fancy each other. That is rather different from a shared hobby (whatever these ubiquitous "hobbies" on here are anyway).

Topseyt · 28/10/2017 18:27

What do you think, Olddear? I suspect you could answer your own question there.

PandorasXbox · 28/10/2017 18:29

You’d be ok with your H sharing a hobby with a woman then Topsey? I don’t think so.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 28/10/2017 18:33

Good god. I participate in a male dominated (fairly serious and sciences) hobby. On occasion I have been gasp alone with a man who isn't my partner.

Thankfully we just about managed to resist the temptation to fuck like bunnies. Amazing.

Just out of interest Topseyt does this mean you wouldn't be happy if your DH had a bisexual or gay male friend that he might on occasion be alone with ?

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 28/10/2017 18:33

Sciencey*

Topseyt · 28/10/2017 18:39

Why would I mind him having a hobby at all? It isn't the same as a date type arrangement with someone you used to fancy.

Should I mind him going to work because he will meet people of the opposite sex and his manager is female?

Should he mind me going to work because my manager is male.

You are talking bollocks.

PandorasXbox · 28/10/2017 18:41

Ok cool! So you wouldn’t mind him going off for the day with another woman doing his hobby!

Yeah right.

Topseyt · 28/10/2017 18:41

Youcan, we have bisexual and gay friends and family. No problems there at all.

Sorry if that disappoints you.

PandorasXbox · 28/10/2017 18:43

I would be most annoyed if DH arranged to meet another woman like that, even if it was just for a coffee or something. To me it crosses a line, even if the relationship is platonic. I would make my displeasure known.

You’ve already said it there ^^ that you wouldn’t want your H meeting a women for coffee even if they were platonic friends.

NameChangeFamousFolk · 28/10/2017 18:46

but there would be consequences

Good Lord. That's chilling. Why? Seriously, why have you settled on this extreme set of 'rules'? I'm trying to understand but it's very hard.

Again, do the rules apply ALL members of the opposite sex? Older ones? People at work? Ones in same-sex relationships?

There really is a massive, gaping gulf between 'having a spot of lunch' and being a untrustworthy shit looking for a quick shag. To assume everyone is somehow morally corrupt and therefore must be avoided is a bit of sad outlook really.

It seems that the only way you can establish trust and maintain your mutual happiness is by never being alone with an unaccompanied member of the opposite sex, which, to be honest, sounds absolutely awful.