Friend cancelling (again)

[Darknessinthevalley]

So my friend, of about a decade, never used to be flaky but his girlfriend is really difficult.
He's just cancelled on me for the fifth time in as many months, and I know it's because his girlfriend kicks off. She doesn't like me, and for some reason thinks I'm after him. She has no reason to believe this, there's never been anything there, and I'm happily married.
However, I don't blame her. Surely he needs to either stand up to her or not make plans with me? Obviously, this is something he needs to deal with in his relationship, and I blame him 100%.
I'm getting sick of this though. He lives in our home town, and I don't, so whenever I travel back, I make an effort to fit him in, around seeing my parents, step parents, grandparents and siblings. And every time lately he's cancelled, citing his girlfriend.
I'm sick of just saying, OK I'll see you next time, but I don't want to cause more problems.
I'm pretty sure I'm not being unreasonable but I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm reluctant to lose the friendship as we're both ASD and it's so nice having someone that understands that when masking gets super hard and stuff.

My OHs best friend of 4 years was a female and they fucked me over literally . We (OH and me) managed to get through it after a long time and lots of heartache (I know not for everyone) but never again would I allow a stand alone opposite sex friendship. If, and actually we have struck up a friendship with a woman then it includes both of us not just him. It's not just a matter of not trusting him/her but also a relationship shift that all friends are mutual friends.

Stuff like this really gets my goat. Why do girls have to be so insecure? I have lost two male friends this way, and both times there has been nothing between us ever nor ever would be. My best friend is male (albeit in Australia now - only seen him twice in ten years) but my husband understands. He is a bit thrown about seeing me cracking up on the phone, in a Chandler-y is-he-funnier-than-me kind of way, but he knows we have been friends for thirty years and accepts that. I have my marriage and children with him. It does always seem to be girls who freak out. Men and women can be friends with no sexual undertones. I feel for you, OP, but I think you have lost him. Even if he leaves this girlfriend, the next one is likely going to be the same way about him being friends with you. It really sucks, I know.

TakesTheCake I was never insecure before I am a 40 something year old woman ... until it happened

I know that MOST male/female friendships are platonic ....but why take the risk ...only my opinion ...bitter maybe

@Volcano you’ve said it perfectly! I’m bi (first time I’ve actually said it) I’ve been with both men and women. You do it for me or you don’t. I’m not autistic but I have met many people who are. You still have a mind,heart and personality. You still are human. You are no different to anyone because we are all unique. It would be boring if we was all the same. Hearing you speak about autism has made me think of one boy in particular, I think his name is Michael (he was shy) . His dad would bring him to the cafe I worked in. He had chips 2 slices of toast and a cup of tea please. Every day. I wonder a lot how he is. He was so pure hearted xx

Totally understand your frustration OP. One of my oldest friends had a bf who was controlling and didn't like me seeing her...the cancellations drove a wedge through our friendship in the end.
As for platonic friendships, well of course they are normal and only threatening to those who feel insecure. I have two close male friends I regularly meet, throughout my first marriage and now my second. And they have both been far more supportive and 'stable' than my oldest friend ever was!

@Fuckitletshavevino Aww we need more people like you in this world xx

Hi OP,
I'm late to the discussion but just wanted to hopefully help a little.
I've been on both sides of the coin. I'm happily married now and we have friends of both sexes and spend time with all our friends, no matter what sex. These days I think the line is so blurred with sexuality I don't think it really matters anymore if it's a male or female. That's must my opinion.
Previous relationships haven't seen so easy going. I've had partners who wouldn't let me see men and I've had boyfriends who I wouldn't let see women.
Sadly over the years I have lost friends who I would now still like to see, but I did what I thought was right at the time. I believed that I was staying with that person and I was in for the long haul, so I had to put them first and respect what they wanted.
His gf may be jealous, have her own issues from the past it insecurities etc. I wouldn't take it personally. If I was you I would just address the situation .
I'd say that you feel like there might be an issue with you meeting up, and that you will be there when he's ready to meet you. Put the ball in his court and see what happens. I know you feel like you're losing a friends and essentially you are. Hopefully it won't be forever. It is a sad fact really, but I've done the same and had the same done to me. You can only see what's right when you're either still with them or you have split up and lost the friend you couldn't see.
I really hope this may help you a little. Like I said, I would try and confront it. He may not want to bad mouth his gf, but if you say something hopefully he will be honest enough to explain. Goof luck x

Sorry not what I wanted to say

I give up 🙄

Ail is part of us...appointment

What do I do? Shit!

I feel for you as I've lost so many friends since they've partnered off - it does bug me and none more than the ones who used to cry 'will I ever meet anyone at my age? ' on my shoulder when they were ten years younger than me! Anyway I digress, it does sound very sad that you are able to be yourself with him and he's bowing down to her. Could you set up an ASD community group on meetup.com, if there isn't one already? I'd been meaning to join lots of things with them for a couple of years - in the last few weeks I've actually done it and it's been great, just what I needed. Best of luck.

Hi OP really glad you managed to clear the air a little, perhaps this time it helped not having a filter? It seems his girlfriend needs a lot more info about ASD and relationships as do most of MN it seems who bypassed that part of your post. Kastie has a great idea with ASD community group though. By the way my son is autistic and so is my husband everyone needs to let the mask slip sometimes with someone who understands that's important to hold onto.

I agree with Gemini. I think he might be letting you down gently (in his eyes, although it’s not gentle at all.) Do you think this could be the case OP?

I would let it go OP. If it's him making excuses then you haven't lost anything. If it's her controlling him then he'll come back when he's ready
My husband and I are very happy and wouldn't have any objections to eirher meeting another friend of the opposite sex because we are grown ups who are not insecure - just saying

What’s sad about topseyt and sun and moon is that they don’t have any true friends ... surely!

Because you have literally said that should a couple you know split up neither partner would be welcome in your circle ..... because god forbid one of you was not in when they popped round to get support because they were miserable and wanted to chat with someone... help.... this is not a world I would want to live in... if it had too many people in it like the two of you .... friendship with conditions!!