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Original poster

Friend cancelling (again)

218 replies

Darknessinthevalley · 28/10/2017 09:29

So my friend, of about a decade, never used to be flaky but his girlfriend is really difficult.
He's just cancelled on me for the fifth time in as many months, and I know it's because his girlfriend kicks off. She doesn't like me, and for some reason thinks I'm after him. She has no reason to believe this, there's never been anything there, and I'm happily married.
However, I don't blame her. Surely he needs to either stand up to her or not make plans with me? Obviously, this is something he needs to deal with in his relationship, and I blame him 100%.
I'm getting sick of this though. He lives in our home town, and I don't, so whenever I travel back, I make an effort to fit him in, around seeing my parents, step parents, grandparents and siblings. And every time lately he's cancelled, citing his girlfriend.
I'm sick of just saying, OK I'll see you next time, but I don't want to cause more problems.
I'm pretty sure I'm not being unreasonable but I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm reluctant to lose the friendship as we're both ASD and it's so nice having someone that understands that when masking gets super hard and stuff.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 28/10/2017 18:47

I wouldn't mind him having a hobby. I absolutely would mind him going off alone for the day with another woman, and he would mind me going off alone with another man.

We are home buddies. We are fine as we are and really aren't interested in your marriage guidance, thanks all the same. Wink

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 28/10/2017 18:49

Why would it disappoint me ?

I'm just baffled.

Ploppie4 · 28/10/2017 18:51

I think the girlfriend is very silly.

Olddear · 28/10/2017 18:53

I really don't know what possible consequences there could be, I truly can't......are you Howard and Hilda?

Topseyt · 28/10/2017 18:53

Namechange, our rules apply to us. Nobody else. We discuss them if we want to. We set them and we live the way we want to.

I can't see why that seems so hard to understand.

We live our way, you live yours. I couldn't give a shit what anyone else thinks. I haven't asked for opinions. Just gave mine when the OP asked. It hasn't changed.

PandorasXbox · 28/10/2017 19:01

I wouldn't mind him having a hobby. I absolutely would mind him going off alone for the day with another woman, and he would mind me going off alone with another man.

So you don’t trust each other. Finally.

Topseyt · 28/10/2017 19:02

Pandora, you can like away as hard as you like there. You are getting a little bit tedious now.

No, I wouldn't want him meeting other women alone for a coffee, or going to the pub or out for meals with them. I don't class those as hobbies. Those are date type stuff that we would keep for ourselves. He would expect the same of me.

PandorasXbox · 28/10/2017 19:06

I am talking about going out for the day alone doing their hobby. Not a meal or a coffee.

Would you be ok with that?

Topseyt · 28/10/2017 19:06

It is you that I don't trust, Pandora. You can't be trusted not to twist everything.

We wouldn't have been married nearly a quarter of a century if we didn't trust each other.

I find your assessment amusing to say the least. And wide of the mark.

Topseyt · 28/10/2017 19:12

He does go out for the day doing what you might term a hobby. Walking challenges, bike rides. He prefers to do them on his own and go at his own pace. Occasionally he does organised events or group challenges. I don't go and don't want to. I have no problems with him going though. Why would I? I trust him.

We do our own things.

PandorasXbox · 28/10/2017 19:16

But he’s not going alone with a woman so of course you don’t mind.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 28/10/2017 19:19

Topseyt clearly is one of those people who genuinely doesn't believe that it's possible for (hetrosexual!) men and woman to be 'just' friends. sadly, if her DH agrees, then she's probably right, he can't see woman as potential friends, only potential sexual partners, so if Topseyt or her DH wanted to have a coffee with someone of the opposite sex, it would be a sign they wanted to have an affair with them, because both are agreed that sex is the only point to spending time with someone of the opposite sex.

There are people like this, they are generally hard work, but if Topseyt and her DH have found each other, it's probably a good thing, rather than ruining 2 other people's friendship groups by getting an arse on when their DP has an opposite sex friend, as they can't believe it's not sexual.

Topseyt · 28/10/2017 19:22

Quite right, Pandora. So you do understand and are being deliberately obtuse.

Ginglealltheway · 28/10/2017 19:22

There appears to be equal amounts of reaching and projecting in Sun's posts.

PandorasXbox · 28/10/2017 19:24

There’s nothing ‘ quite right ‘ about it Topsey.

Topseyt · 28/10/2017 19:26

Kitten, that is the biggest load of white ever. Think what you want.

I must tell DH that MN thinks he is abused because neither of us goes out with the opposite sex. He would find it hilarious.

NameChangeFamousFolk · 28/10/2017 19:27

Namechange, our rules apply to us. Nobody else. We discuss them if we want to. We set them and we live the way we want to

Yes, I realise that. I think I feel sorry for you both, but I assume that will be yet another unwelcome observation.

We wouldn't have been married nearly a quarter of a century if we didn't trust each other

But you don't trust each other. Not one bit. You hold your 'never being alone with a member of the opposite sex' as some bizarre proof of some deep and meaningful bond. It's just a lack of trust.

But you keep saying how happy you both are. That understanding seems to work for you anyhow, or possibly for you both. Who knows?

Anyway. A massive derail OP. Sorry for the part I've played in that. It's all taken a slightly unhinged/depressing turn. Other people's lives, eh?

I'm out. Good luck resolving it OP.

Topseyt · 28/10/2017 19:27

Of course there is, Pandora.

PandorasXbox · 28/10/2017 19:31

Would you allow him to go walking or cycling with a woman alone Topsey or whatever the hobby was. Because if not I don’t see how you can maintain that you trust him.

AnathemaPulsifer · 28/10/2017 19:35

Topsey and sun as far as I can see, neither of you have responded to the OP's point that she is bisexual. In your twisted paranoid world does that mean she can never be alone with anyone if either of them are in a relationship with someone else?

I've been friends with my two best male friends for multiple decades without ever so much as touching lips. Any partner to any of us who saw it as an issue would be deeply unpopular. Hasn't been a problem yet and I hope it never will be.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 28/10/2017 20:19

Topseyt - I dont think you or your DH are abused if you both do agree it's not possible for men and woman to be friends without wanting to sleep with them.

The fact is it would only 'cross a line' if you both are of the opinion that platonic friendships between hetrosexual men and woman isn't possible, that sooner or later they'll be tempted to sleep together, even if they don't.

Either it's perfectly possible to have innocent friendships with the opposite sex, or it's not if you only view other men/woman as potential sexual partners.

If you both really feel the same, and have never been able to sustain platonic friendships with people of he opposite sex, it is probably best you are together, as if one partner has no problem having friendships with the opposite sex without thinking about fancying them, and the other partner really can't comprehend that, then it would cause problems in a relationship.

rightknockered · 28/10/2017 20:20

I think as hard as it is, you're going to have to let this friendship go OP, or just keep it on-line. I agree with another poster upthread, that if he wanted to see you he'd make time to.
Topseyt what do you do about work colleagues etc.?
Doesn't it make things a bit awkward?

rightknockered · 28/10/2017 20:24

I wouldn't trust anyone who thinks you can't be friends with people of the opposite sex without being tempted. It says a lot about that person. Having to keep themselves away from all temptation because they can't help themselves

PandorasXbox · 28/10/2017 20:38

Right with you nockered. How anyone thinks this is normal is beyond me.

sunandmoonshine · 28/10/2017 20:42

@PandoraXBox

What a load of bollocks you spout 'sunandmoon.'

People don't think like you do, and they're 'spouting bollocks.' Grow the fuck up.

How childish and narrow minded.

And I don't believe for a fleeting fucking nano-second, that all the women on here saying they would be happy with their husband meeting up with another woman ALONE on a regular basis are being truthful. Especially as this female 'friend' of his ADMITS SHE USED TO FANCY HIM. You keep swerving that little detail don't ya ???

And where did she say she was BISEXUAL?

All I read is that she and he used to fancy each other. (She fancied him more like!)

So where did the OP say she was bisexual?

And what difference does THAT make to the situation anyway??? Confused She still admitted she fancies him. And his girlfriend probably knows that! I think she is revelling in upsetting his girlfriend. Nasty.

As I said earlier, her male friend has bailed FIVE TIMES in FIVE MONTHS. She needs to take the fucking hint, and quit stalking him, and upsetting his girlfriend! Confused