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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To remind you all... (MIL related)

220 replies

yoowhoo · 27/12/2016 09:12

If you have a son or daughter, they may get married in the future and that will then make you a MIL...?
Don't get me wrong, some of the MIL threads I do sympathise but I'm getting really sad to see every other thread being a MIL bashing. In particular it's when poor MIL is mother to a son. I just think we all need to step back a bit and think we may be one one day!

OP posts:
Blueredballoon · 27/12/2016 09:13

Totally agree!

MargotLovedTom · 27/12/2016 09:15

But people mainly post on here when there is a problem, so it gives you a skewed view. I get on well with my MIL.

buckyou · 27/12/2016 09:16

Well yes and I've made it my mission to be a nicer MIL than mine!

I think it's always going to be a tricky relationship isn't it.

Poole5 · 27/12/2016 09:18

I don't think people need to be reminded - they know

There is nothing wrong with having a vent about difficult family situations sometimes.

My MIL treated me like shit but my FIL was an absolute joy. Does that mean I am a MIL basher? Does it mean I need reminding that I will be a MIL one day?

DinosaursRoar · 27/12/2016 09:18

My MIL is lovely, I'm going to try to be like her so my future SIL or DIL will adore me.

Not modelling my DM, that way will make me the subject of lots of nightmare MIL threads....

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 27/12/2016 09:18

I have a DS and tbh it does worry me a bit, particularly the "I don't want my in-laws to come for 6 months after the birth of my baby but I want my parents within 3 hours" threads and the "How dare your husband not support you going NC and making the kids NC for some minor reason" ones.

BasinHaircut · 27/12/2016 09:18

I don't actually think that MIL threads appear more than threads about other types of people. I just think that many posters are probably also MILs and so tend to get offended by someone else's problems just because they take them as a personal attack.

And of course they are mostly about mothers of sons, as most of the posters on this site are women and will be the DIL of said mothers of sons!

Original poster
yoowhoo · 27/12/2016 09:18

Margot I'm really pleased to hear that. It's nice to hear of good relationships between MIL and DIL.
As I said in my op, I'm not talking about the ones where the MIL is actually doing something bad.
But I've seen plenty in the past where perhaps MIL wants to spend time with grandchild but it's always wrong or something...but if it was own mother it would be different. That's not a specific thread. There's one today Christmas related that I don't wish to discuss but I just feel sorry for mother in laws who can't seem to do right

OP posts:
Crispsheets · 27/12/2016 09:21

I won't be living anywhere my DC's so will not be a proactive MIL/grandparent.
Keeping well out!!

Original poster
yoowhoo · 27/12/2016 09:21

milktwosugars yes yes those are definitely main ones I'm talking about!
I'd just like to reiterate I'm not talking about the threads where MIL is actually in the wrong!

OP posts:
HicDraconis · 27/12/2016 09:21

Bear in mind that most people post for advice, or to vent - ie when there's a problem. There are the occasional "Aibu to adore my mil" threads but they aren't common, people don't post for a rant when their lives are going smoothly.

I will be a mother in law twice over at some point and I will make it a personal promise to be nicer to my daughters in law than my own MiL has been to me. We are low contact (dh would be nc if it were up to him but he's just guilty enough to ask me to write replies to the emails she sends) and it is purely down to her own narcissistic behaviour.

I have a good friend who is low contact with her own mother (similar reasons) but adores her husband's stepmother so it's not always the mothers of sons who can behave appallingly.

WhooooAmI24601 · 27/12/2016 09:22

I love my MIL. She bought me such thoughtful gifts for Christmas, loves the DCs more than life itself and does all our ironing. She's like the new baby jesus performing tiny miracles all over the place.

I'm hoping when the DCs are old enough to marry I'll be equally as marvellous.

NicknameUsed · 27/12/2016 09:22

I agree. I realise that most people only post about their MILs when there is a problem, but I feel that some of the problems are as much the DIL's fault as the MIL's. There seems to be very little give and take on both sides.

My MIL is lovely, and made me very welcome when I first met her and has always treated me as one of the family. Sadly she has alzheimers and now I look after her when we visit.

If I ever become a MIL I will use her as a role model.

stonecircle · 27/12/2016 09:24

I have a theory that people often react to their parents/pils by behaving in an opposite way. My mil caused me all sorts of grief when my kids were little - always knew best, disregarded my views and generally overstepped the mark. I expect if/when I'm a mil I'll be scared of 'interfering' so will probably hang back so much that my dil will be complaining about me not taking more initiative and getting more involved!

Then she'll probably resolve to be more helpful and hands on when she's a mil ...

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent · 27/12/2016 09:27

My MiL thought I was the devil incarnate when we (dp and me) first got together.
But by the time she died she would have gone to war for me.. Miss her

LemonRedwood · 27/12/2016 09:40

My MIL is lovely. I don't remember much of our wedding day, it pretty much passed by in a blur, but I do remember my MIL giving me a big hug and saying, "Thank you for making my son so happy." I bloody love her.

Nice mothers-in-law don't make for interesting threads though.

Spadequeen · 27/12/2016 09:45

Don't forget there's more mil threads now due to Christmas and families spending time together.

I have a lovely mil, we would never know each other if it weren't for dh, we have nothing in common and no shared interest but she is dh's mum and she is a lovely woman who adores her gc

BertrandRussell · 27/12/2016 09:47

I think the problem is often that people forget that their mil's primary relationship is with their son and their grandchildren. All that is required between mil and dil is cordiality. It's lovely if it's more, but why should it be, really? Two women of completely different generations with quite possibly nothing at all in common and no shared history.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 27/12/2016 09:49

The stereotypes of MILs are unfair and wrong. You can't tar everyone with the same brush. But people are coming on here to post about their problems so of course there are going to be negatives. No one needs reminding that MILs are general aren't bad people, do they?

ZestyDragon · 27/12/2016 09:51

My mil had a terrible time with her own mil and swore she would be nicer than that. She wasn't but as she was also abusive to her sons as well as her dils it's not too shocking that of all her sons only dh speaks to her (and won't visit her without me). If I am a mil I have learned how not to act.....I actually hate the woman for harming her son so much but I never let it show.

comewoowoowithme · 27/12/2016 09:52

I'm going to try and be a great MIL. Mine should try it. Wink

Rainbowcolours1 · 27/12/2016 09:53

My MIL died in November...she was ace...great to go shopping with, always willing to give advice, if it was asked for, came on holiday with us, was a shoulder to cry on and had a wicked sense of humour. I miss her.

DameDeDoubtance · 27/12/2016 09:54

Are you going onto the relationship boards after this to remind women to be nicer about men too? Or maybe pop over to Gransnet and have a look at the many DIL threads?

MagicChicken · 27/12/2016 09:54

I wholeheartedly agree. Reading so many of the threads on here has always made me realise that some women get the relationships with their MILs that they deserve.

BlurryFace · 27/12/2016 09:55

Well the subforum for relationship advice is full of dreadful relationships, because people with awesome relationships don't need relationship advice. Similarly, AIBU is full of MILs the poster thinks is being U, because the posters who think think their MILs are reasonable don't need to be told if they are or not.

I don't really get the whole "ooh, you're going to be a MIL one day, just you wait" thing because honestly, I plan to have my own life (like my MIL and my mum do) and have friendly relationships with my lads and their partners rather than set myself up as a baby guru who wants to live in their children's pockets.

My MIL is awesome and does stuff like invite me out as "one of the Jones girls" on boozy girly nights with the SILs while DH stays with the kids, I would love to do that with any future SILs rather than treat them like the woman who shows up with my son and GCs.