To remind you all... (MIL related)

[yoowhoo]

If you have a son or daughter, they may get married in the future and that will then make you a MIL...?
Don't get me wrong, some of the MIL threads I do sympathise but I'm getting really sad to see every other thread being a MIL bashing. In particular it's when poor MIL is mother to a son. I just think we all need to step back a bit and think we may be one one day!

Rarely FIL threads. But that is because they rarely say anything or do anything (mass generalisation).

And found my mil very difficult for many reasons, whilst loving my mum. I now regret that I didnt make more effort to for my mil. After all, she created my gorgeos dh

Mine is pleasant to me, but quick to criticise, loves her gc, but doesn't play with them or cuddle them, doesn't choose to help us out with them - in short we have a decent relationship and I've never complained about her on here, but she certainly doesn't put herself out to be close to me - she clearly believes the effort to be liked must come from the dil not from her.

The relationship between me and her (and between the gcs and her) is nothing like it is with my own mother.

Jayfee not sure if you're saying those are good or bad things!

I had a fantastic MIL who I miss loads. We had nothing in common but she was very kind hearted and that is what mattered to me.

My opinion is that when you meet a partner it's very important to meet his or her family and get to know them long before you make any kind of commitment because they are a vital part of a person's background. If you hate someone's family it's always going to put extra pressure on your relationship.

Totally agree.

A close relationship mother and daughter is always heralded. And the same relationship between mother and son is met with cries of 'mummy's boy' and calls for apron strings to be cut or that the male needs to choose between mother and wife.

Perhaps there are an awful lot of very insecure wives/partners/girlfriends.

" I just hope that DS will find someone who is willing to meet me in the middle for the best result all round."

I think that is what is sorely lacking in most of the MIL/DIL relationship problems I see posted on here.

I also think that one of the reasons that MIL and I get on so well is that OH had already left home many years before I met him. He was completely independent and the apron strings were well and truly cut. MIL didn't feel that she had lost a son, but she felt she had gained a daughter.

I'm a MIL. I have 2 sons and 2 daughters so 3 x DIL (1 DS had DGC and the relationship ended between DIL and DS hence 3 x DIL) and 2 x SIL. I sometimes read threads on here agog at the behaviour of some MILs. Likewise I read threads some DILs post and am equally agog, especially at the comments of 'he's your family now'. There was a thread in the last couple of days about a MIL daring to give a child a Christmas stocking. How bloody dare she provide a stocking from Granny Christmas. Some on here would be pearl clutching to learn that I am still very close to my DS's ex wife and she regularly comes to our home with DGC. Afterall, she's still part of our family as far as we're concerned, she's the mother of one of our DGC and I nor DH would ever have cut her out of our lives. I won't deny it was mentioned why did the ex still come to our home by DS when he met his new partner wanted us to accept the OW however it was our home and our decision who we had in it. For a long time his new partner refused to even visit us which was fine as I was not going to be dictated to. It wasn't as if we expected them all to sit down and play happy families over dinner or at Christmas etc or even be here at the same time. Over the years DIL 2 (1 hope) has come to realise our intentions were only to maintain a relationship with our DGC and certainly weren't in any way meant to exclude her. Sometimes MIL's are damned if they do on here and damned if they don't.

disclaimer: I have only used DIL2 to differentiate between DS's partners not because one comes first and one comes second.

It is an interesting conundrum, (In a similar way to step parents) MiLs cant seem to win, do to much and your interfering, do to little and you don't care.

Then there is the "my little family", 'I want my mum to be involved but not his'.

Those that think that men have some sort of switch that they can flick from "son" to "husband", as if years of being brought up can suddenly be switched off.

And my personal bug bear, "you have a DH problem" normally said when the MiL is very nasty. controlling and manipulative and some how its the DH's fault for being subjected to years of FOG.

I am seriously considering writting a list of all the batshit crazy things she does then when I become a mil I will re read them, hand a copy to my dh and ensure I never do them. I have disengaged slightly and let it wash over me.

Mine is nice but I am not part of her family I will always be just the girl her son decided to marry. She doesn't have one good word to say about any of the incomers to the family and I dread to think what she says about we when I am not in earshot - might explain sil attitude to me - very rarely see her so can't have annoyed her. I would love her to be like my second mother but hey ho.

She is very good to my children and is not outwardly mean to me, that will do.

Completely agree! My mil is awesome. She's had to put up with difficulties from bil and his wife and through it all bit her tongue. I don't think I could have remained so restrained!
I'll probably be a nightmare mil (light hearted lol)

I'm in the clear, it's my own family that are a bunch of raging fuckwits (excluding my dearly departed dad) - OH's family are nice! Although I do sometimes have difficulty coping with the amount of nice having been used to the fuckwit family for all these years.

It's Christmas. Instead of being surrounded by "stupid" co-workers or "stupid" educational staff, we are surrounded by "stupid" family. It is therefore inevitable that AIBU is heavily loaded with MIL threads. Give it a week, let us all go back to normal life, and the threads will become more balanced again.

seriously considering writting a list of all the batshit crazy things she does then when I become a mil I will re read them, hand a copy to my dh and ensure I never do them.

But, depending on the dil, you will probably do things you think are normal, kind etc and they will still think yiu are bats hit crazy.

And that's the problem. A mil/dil relationship has two people in it. Not just the mil.

I also hate the 'my little family' thinking. I do think a lot of women, especially on MN, expect their ohs mothers to just disappear and only be on hand as and when they want/need.

I have 2 sil. Mum gets on great with my dh and sil1. Sil2 hates my mum, for no other reason than she can't control her. Lots of threats of not seeing the grandkids if mum won't drop everything at a moments notice. Sil2 even tried to ban her from spending time with me, her own daughter.

Sil2 would prefer our entirely family to disappear, except when she needs a babysitter. I am very low contact with her because I won't rise to her goading either.

I think many of the MIL threads are about pretty thoughtless (to say the least) partners.

My MIL is utterly over the moon I'm pregnant it's her first grandchild. She asked DP if she could be there at the birth, I wasn't there when DP told her I was pregnant.

DP immiedately told her no, she wasn't to be at the actual birth but she was welcome to the hospital to be amongst the first to see/hold baby and probably will be the first person after DP and midwife.
I reiterated this invitation when she called me later to congratulate me and tell me how thrilled she was at the news.

MIL also offered to buy baby stuff I aksed her to hold fire for the time being (I've had a lot of losses), she complately respected my request, and I thanked her profusely and told when its nearer the due date her offer would be really welcome.

The whole scenario would have turned into a MN thread had DP agreed to MIL being in the birthing room as I would feel uncofmrtable being semi naked in front of MIL and I know I wouldnt be able to concentrate on giving birth.

MIL is also the kind of person who would not expect me to make her five course meals while she visits after the birth, she'd expect her son to be taking care of me.

I love MIL, and we are planning on moving to a larger house so she has a comfortable room if she chooses to stay for with us for periods of time.

But the point is MIL is kind and thoughtful and DP takes my needs into consideration.

EXMIL was completely the opposite and I could write threads about her here on MN.

"MIL is also the kind of person who would not expect me to make her five course meals while she visits after the birth, she'd expect her son to be taking care of me."

MIL came to stay for a week soon after DD was born so that she could take care of me. My mum had died many years before.

But I've seen plenty in the past where perhaps MIL wants to spend time with grandchild

The issue here is the MIL wants to bypass the mother - maybe if MIL spoke to DIL - ask how she was - how her family are and take some interest in her. - it wouldn't be an issue?

One today is all about MIL and DGC relationship to the exclusion on DIL - you would let a friend do that would you?

My Mil was awful. Very domineering and demanding. She lived through DH and couldn't accept becoming no 2 woman in his life. Shall also denied him access to his dad when they divorced. She always say DH as her property and not a person in his own right

There is no way it is my fault. I get on fine with my other Mil. But she's lovely.

I don't really like "posting to vent" threads, whether MIL or not. Some people are alone and distressed and honestly have nobody. Most of them are people who have already bitched to their husbands, partners, siblings, kids, dogs, and still aren't satisfied so they create a thread to get a load of Internet strangers to pile in abusing someone they've never met and whose side of the story they'll never hear.

Really poisonous.

What a nasty thread. Compassion and understanding is something you are clearly lacking yoowhoo. Which is ironic as that is what makes a good person which leads to you being a good MIL, bad luck yoo. The only people I have ever heard, insist, that all MIL's are the same are those lacking in compassion and understanding, and claim those suffering with bullying, dominating, narcissistic MIL's think all women turn horrible the second their DS marries*, we know they don't, we have compassion and understanding . The victim knows all MIL's are not equal, we dream of a normal MIL, one that shows compassion and understanding.
We had a lovely xmas, we didn't see the IL's or my parents.
*Hindsight often shows us all the signs were there but that DGC seem to send bad DM into bad MIL's.

No its just made me determined to be a better mil and to not inflict such awful behaviour on my future dil.

I have to say my mil is lovely. Shes brilliant with my kids, looks after me and is usually on my side when dh and i have opposing views!!

Its my husbands mil whos the witch. I cant apologise to him enough for giving him such a shitty mil

Everyone's ex is a narcissist and everyone's MIL is a nightmare.

Well, scooby20, you have different relationships with different people. Any hypothetical DILs I have will be their own people and I already have enough oddballs in my own family that I am confident I would be able to find some common ground with most personality types.

Some women want to be left alone to do everything with their DP and kids with only the occasional visit, some want help/childcare and lots of big family get togethers and I think I could fit around most families in that regard. Family is about compromise.

Lol, cheekybean, my mum's not that bad but she's certainly less easygoing than my MIL and DH isn't overly keen on her though he adores the rest of my family.