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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To remind you all... (MIL related)

220 replies

yoowhoo · 27/12/2016 09:12

If you have a son or daughter, they may get married in the future and that will then make you a MIL...?
Don't get me wrong, some of the MIL threads I do sympathise but I'm getting really sad to see every other thread being a MIL bashing. In particular it's when poor MIL is mother to a son. I just think we all need to step back a bit and think we may be one one day!

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 27/12/2016 13:07

"Lots of women get very badly treated by their MILs so to have you remind them that they will be a MIL one day is completely unnecessary"

And lots of mils get very badly treated by their dils, so yes, reminders are necessary.

Poole5 · 27/12/2016 13:08

And lots of mils get very badly treated by their dils, so yes, reminders are necessary

Just reminding you to breathe as reminders are necessary for everything

bowchikkawowwow · 27/12/2016 13:10

It only seams that way because nobody is going to start a thread titled 'AIBU for thinking MIL is being very reasonable a lovely'
Same thing goes for husbands, children, sisters, brothers and best friends on mumsnet.

BarbedBloom · 27/12/2016 13:12

My MIL is lovely. Really kind and welcoming. I do think she struggled a little when me and my boyfriend became serious as he hadn't had a long term girlfriend before and there was a period of adjustment. But I try to involve her in things as much as I can.

My previous MIL was awful. She was hugely controlling. When we got engaged she sulked for weeks that she hadn't known it was going to happen and that I knew about it first. She said she was happy that her other adult son hadn't had a serious girlfriend as she wasn't willing to share her boys with anyone and she had raised them to always put her first.

I think it can depend a lot on expectations from both sides and knowing which hills you are prepared to die on and what to let go.

MoodyOne · 27/12/2016 13:13

My MIL is lovely ! We both have good sets of parents , annoying (who's isn't) but lovely x

BertrandRussell · 27/12/2016 13:16

I reckon about half the mil threads on here boil down to either dil being mildly in the wrong or six of one and half a dozen of the other or nobody being in the wrong at all, just thinking differently.

FrayedHem · 27/12/2016 13:34

There was a shift in the relationship dynamics when DS1 was born and it all got a bit uncomfortable and awkward for a while. I know I pissed MIL off and she me. 11 years and another 3 DC later and and we all bimble along quite nicely. They are wonderful grandparents and I'm glad my DC have a close relationship with them.

My mother has remained difficult throughout. If nothing else, she is consistent!

junebirthdaygirl · 27/12/2016 13:37

It's worth remembering that men very often marry women who remind them of their mothers so it's no surprise to often see here a dil who is convinced she is the victim but is actually the exact same. I can never understand why dil buy into the stuff and can't just let it go over their heads but then I realise it's because they like the drama too. A lot of problems could be solved by just ignoring stuff or having a good laugh about the nonsense.
I just couldn't be bothered getting upset about most of it.

GetAHaircutCarl · 27/12/2016 13:40

I think a lot of older women had/have very little agency over their own lives.

Family was their arena of control. It's very tough to give that up. Yet clearly one has absolutely no business trying to retain it over fully grown adults.

NellysKnickers · 27/12/2016 13:43

I love my MIL very much and can honestly say she is the one person I can ALWAYS rely on, whatever. I hope I can have the same relationship with my sons' partners one day.

Wolpertinger · 27/12/2016 14:09

GetaHaircutCarl I think you are spot on.

One of the big issues in the early days between me and my MIL was that I wasn't pursuing all the things she felt v important for a 'good wife' - cards for all DH's relatives birthdays, cooking him the right food etc etc. We heard a lot about how he had a very responsible job and I had to look after him.

Of course this related to her relationship (which is quite unhappy), not mine. She had had to find value in a basically unhappy marriage through all these elements of wifework which I had no time for at all.

Shock horror - I expected DH to write his own cards, I made the food I liked and expected him to eat it, even worse he liked it AND it was usually vegetarian, I earned more than him and he told her he didn't have a responsible job Shock Grin

It was a challenge to the way she'd lived her whole life and basically said she'd lived with an emotionally unavailable man (yes, we could do more threads about FILs) for 40 years upholding standards that meant nothing.

We managed to find common ground as we both do needlework, and it turns out she's kind of OK. She'd have been a different woman entirely if she'd married someone else or lived in a society where divorce was socially acceptable. I just ignore the stuff about Lego not being a girls' toy now Smile

Astro55 · 27/12/2016 14:20

I think it is a generation thing -

For example my MIL would jump when DH came home from work to offer tea - where as I'd see DH have a long lunch and an hour shift peace in the car on the way home - with 3 under 2 I was run ragged with no time out so yes I expected him to make tea and take the kids for half an hour

I also expected him to cook sometimes and help with childcare - this was alien to her!!

BertrandRussell · 27/12/2016 14:26

Can I just ask- how old are people's mils? Mine is 75- but I am very old.

JayDot500 · 27/12/2016 14:26

I think more often than not, we can speak our minds/act more freely to our own mums. MILs, not so much. So when we have issues with them, it's good to come on a site like this for guidance on how to proceed.

BlurryFace · 27/12/2016 14:33

BertRuss mine is, uh...58 I think? Same age as my mum so extra hopeless I can't quite remember lol.

BertrandRussell · 27/12/2016 14:38

I ask because so many of the behaviors described on here seem so very old fashioned for women who are, presumably, mostly in their 50s and 60s. My dp's grandmother used to do the "serve the men first they've been out at work" thing and was put right by his mother. Who would have been in her late 50s at the time..

JustCallMeKate · 27/12/2016 14:39

Can I just ask- how old are people's mils? Mine is 75- but I am very old.

My MIL was mid 50s when we met, I was 17. She was 85 when she died. I really don't know how my life would have turned out if MIL hadn't welcomed me into her home and family tbh. I was 17 and pregnant when my own parents threw me out for bringing "shame" to the family. I adored her and in many ways was the mum I'd never had.

Elendon · 27/12/2016 14:45

I hate the words that connect to marriage. MIL and FIL, SIL, and BIL. DSC, etc. They are people and had a family life before you met them.

The problem is that with the continuation of marriage as an institution, this will be perpetuated. On BOTH sides.

I hope never to be a MIL. It's not on my list of future expectations.

mrsmuddlepies · 27/12/2016 14:46

I am old and have children in their 30s. I have always worked and continue to work even though I am post retirement. All my friends worked outside the home ( and many continue to do so). I so dislike sweeping statements about MILS never having worked ( same can apply to mothers). It is so patronising, sexist and ageist.

Elendon · 27/12/2016 15:06

Can I just say, having been married twice, my first marriage had no children, I only ever had one MIL. My first husband's mum died when he was 8. I didn't meet his stepmum, as his father married within six months of his mum dying. I did meet his dad's cousin though. There was never an expectation of her being my MIL, despite her being a much needed mother substitute (she was paid to bring my first husband up). She was just a lovely woman.

My second marriage was not so pleasant in the 'MIL' department. Such an extremely odd woman, verging on verbal violence at times. She still remains odd to this day, despite her constantly playing the 'poor me' card. There is nothing charming about her, despite her son being extremely charming and non violently abusive (they share the abusive behaviour). I never had any affection towards her, but her husband, my ex's father was a lovely man, and I could never understand why he married her.

Wolpertinger · 27/12/2016 15:18

Mine is 70 - but she is way more old fashioned than my DM who is 75.

It puzzles her that my DM doesn't think the same way she does.

Bluebolt · 27/12/2016 15:24

My mum would have been in her eighties, she had been shafted as she was took out of school early to be her mothers and family carer till her mother died and she married at seventeen. She then had her own children whilst being a carer for her Dad and her in laws when their health deteriorated. By the time her time came for the role of matriarch society has changed. She took it well and was a better grandmother than a mother. But I can see why some MIL and DIL approaches and expectations can clash. My MIL had better role models who encouraged her to be more independent and self reliant so even being similar ages

Bluebolt · 27/12/2016 15:26

Presses too soon
Even being similar ages their lives were so different.

Krampus · 27/12/2016 15:41

Parents and inlaws in their 70's.

fabulous01 · 27/12/2016 15:44

The op must be a mother in law. Reason being the telling off!

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