To remind you all... (MIL related)

[yoowhoo]

If you have a son or daughter, they may get married in the future and that will then make you a MIL...?
Don't get me wrong, some of the MIL threads I do sympathise but I'm getting really sad to see every other thread being a MIL bashing. In particular it's when poor MIL is mother to a son. I just think we all need to step back a bit and think we may be one one day!

I don't think it's fair to assume that every OP that posts a thread about about a conflict with their MIL is being deliberately thoughtless or possessive.

I adore my MIL, really truly love the bones of the woman. There are times though that I could have posted a MIL thread about things that may have been seen as just a grandparent trying to be involved. I may well have been told to get a grip and stop being silly, I've no doubt several would have assumed that I was a nightmare DIL and felt sorry for MIL for being pushed away. Which couldn't be further from the truth!

It's easy to forget when we read a post on here that we have a tiny snapshot of a life or family. It's silly to assume that the thoughts or feelings that may have provoked the post in the moment, however irrational they may be, are an enduring part of that familys interactions.

"The op must be a mother in law. Reason being the telling off!"

Point proved.

My MIL drives me properly round the bend at times for various reasons and I do have a moan about her on occasion. However I also love her to pieces and know that a lot of the things about her that annoy me are just differences in way of life (tiny food portions, no tv apart from pre-approved by her programmes, most questions are leading statements eg "You don't want that do you?!") and that my own mother probably has just as many (Too much tv, over catering for buffets, always involved in some church function or other,) but I'm just used to them!
I try to remember when I get frustrated with MIL that I am actually very lucky to have one who I [mostly] get on very well with and who obviously loves DS to pieces.

Thank you for the reminder OP.
But it's something I've thought a lot about anyway. In fact I am very much looking forward to being a Mil one day.

You see, I have learned a huge amount from having a controlling, manipulating, bullying, narcissistic cunt of a Mil.
And I have seen the stark comparison of the wonderful inlaws other family members and friends have.

After going through what I have, I am 100% certain I will be a support to my DCs lives future partners and my future grandchildren and instead of trying to control and destroy their lives because of my own pathetic and selfish insecurities.

I am immensely grateful to my stbx-MIL and the relationship I have had with her, and she with my children, over the last eleven years.

It has given me so many pointers on what kind of cunty self absorbed narcissistic bitch I absolutely don't want to be towards my children's future partner.

Also, seeing the shitty relationship she has with her own son has given me much food for thought when it comes to parenting, too. As in, I just do the opposite of what she would do in any given situation and it all works out beautifully, and my children might actually like me when they are adults.

I should buy her a handbag or something.

Op this is a forum where people come to discuss things there isn't much to discuss when things go well although we do often have " i love my mil " threads - admittedly most seem to sink without a response though.

I think your post is simply naive - and you don't understand how destructive and awful it is to have a mil such as the ones we usually hear about on here to deal with. Marriages - are literally pushed to the limit and thats a family with dc usually your looking at breaking up or on the verge of it.

" The coldnesss towards them, not asking about them, wierd little digs, when one sil goes out of the room a small snide comment is made to all the other women, treating anything they say with mild disdain."

Yep I get all this - and more, every time I open my mouth.

Lion! Are you married to one of my BILs???

Arf mrslion I couldn't agree more - I too have had inside track on not what to do

Also, seeing the shitty relationship she has with her own son has given me much food for thought when it comes to parenting, too. As in, I just do the opposite of what she would do in any given situation and it all works out beautifully, and my children might actually like me when they are adults.

Yes and this for me too Welshmaenad

I agree, I would be devastated if my future DIL posted about me on mumsnet everytime I did something not exactly to her liking.

I said in an earlier thread sometimes on mumsnet MIL's can't do right for doing wrong! Buy a present, they are being controlling and stealing a special moment from the parents, don't buy a present, they are favouring the other DGC's!

Haha Welshmaenad quite possibly by the sounds of it

Bert age of our M/MIL's isn't hugely relevant. Different areas of the country are like living in different decades at times. I think most people can comprehend that what is socially acceptable in a huge city is very different to what's socially acceptable in a small village. Does my DM care that I'm not married, I don't even know, does MIL care, hugely, reaction to 'We're having a baby!' was 'You better get married then' after over a decade together. We have embarrassed her, a mortal sin to her, then I won't do as I'm told, she bought DS1 a christening present knowing we are Atheists (told me she feels sorry for dc that aren't christened, so buys them a christening gift deliberately). My DM, no idea despite being more heavily involved in church. They are only a few years apart in age, but their outlook on life is decades apart, in keeping with their community, one large, one small. So those that lack compassion and understanding can clash badly when faced with the opposite.

Scaredy interesting analogy on the church front.

My DM is heavily involved in church, hoped me and DH would get married (we did obvs) but didn't mind if we didn't, wasn't bothered where it would be as she was just pleased we had found each other.

MIL doesn't go to church except to some social events, her church is v class and behaviour focussed, was shocked we chose not to get married in church leading to basic explanation by DH of 'we're atheists, mum' which upset her even more. Then spent the day asking anyone who would listen 'do you think it will last?'

They live in v similar towns, 30 min away from each other in the Home Counties, but they could be different planets. Even if I swapped them so they had to live in each other's towns, my DM would find a social circle in MIL's town like the one she has in hers, and vice versa.

Yup you can do it with drugs as well as church. MIL, 'AHHHHHHHHHHH, DRUGS, EVIL EVIL DRUGGGSSSSS', DM 'Oh drugs, yes dear, no not my thing', London 'What sort, I grow some nice stuff myself'. Again not all people.

MIL wouldn't let DH go into the nearby big town as a child as it was 'full of druggies'.

This was the same big town my DM let me commute to unaccompanied from age 11 on the train, followed by a 30 minute walk across the dangerous drug-ridden streets town to school

Now I could write many many threads about how my DM does my head in, it's just I've had more practice in coping with her

I got on OK with my MIL. I wouldn't say we were close and things could be strained and prickly at times, but we could tolerate each other.

She wasn't a nightmare MIL and was not the interfering type when our DDs were born. She did, however, tend to favour DH's sister and brother over him. It was blatantly obvious even though she would have vehemently denied it.

Sorry to disappoint bert and fabulous but I am far from being a MIL yet! I'm only in my 20s.
A lot of posters are opening up my eyes to things that I hadn't thought of. So I thank you for that. But I don't like being called patronising. I promise I'm not being. I really do empathise with those being abused etc.. I think it's horrible and again, like I've said. I'm not talking about those. It is more, I suppose, about the ones who think their own mum should be more of a grandparent to their child than the MIL etc...

My MIL complained about her MILs behaviour and then treated me the same way (interfering and critical of everything)
I aim to be much more self aware

Oh no meryl that's horrible :(

My MIL can be a very sweet, helpful, generous person but other times she can be a controlling bully. Everybody has good & bad.
I feel it's difficult for me to have a good relationship with her as she always makes me feel like I'm not good enough for her son.
I definitely envy those who are good friends with their MIL. I wish it was the same for me.

There does seem to be a lot of mil bashing on this site. My mil is fantastic,she's got a much better relationship with my DS than my mum has which I never would have expected. She's just got the balance right.

A lot of problems could be solved by just ignoring stuff or having a good laugh about the nonsense. I just couldn't be bothered getting upset about most of it.

If you think that, june, then you've clearly never had a MIL problem. Mine has consistently tried to break up my marriage and more than once put my life in danger.

And that's quite apart from all the snide comments, rude remarks about my appearance/cooking/parenting/background/life and all the other stuff I can 'laugh off'

Yes of course some mils are arseholes. Because some people are

Yes, quite, Bertrand - but these are the MILs people are (by and large) complaining about - just as on the relationship boards people are complaining (by and large) about the abusive, controlling or just plain useless Hs, not the fabulous ones.

So it is rather patronizing for people like the OP to post that, oh, we should just chill out about what can be a toxic relationship (if it's with an arsehole).

The problem with a MIL (if she's an arsehole) is that you can't divorce her - not without serious ructions in the rest of the family.

katherina I have not once said we should chill out about a toxic relationship. Thanks for putting words in my mouth though..