To remind you all... (MIL related)

[yoowhoo]

If you have a son or daughter, they may get married in the future and that will then make you a MIL...?
Don't get me wrong, some of the MIL threads I do sympathise but I'm getting really sad to see every other thread being a MIL bashing. In particular it's when poor MIL is mother to a son. I just think we all need to step back a bit and think we may be one one day!

I completely agree OP.

Also it's funny how it's nearly always the MIL that's being complained about for petty reasons - rather than their own mothers.

Yet their own mothers will often be MILs too

Sometimes I feel it's more about some women pissing up the legs of their DH's and their kids - to mark their scent and keep the intruder MIL away.

Also, I can hardly think of any men who are really petty about their in-laws.

I am a MIL, as I have female and male DCs. I get on well with my DILs as my MIL had a lot of issues and said mean things to me. I was determined to be a good MIL.
However, if a DIL has MH issues you may have to just 'be there ' to be at fault . The same visa versa applies.

If a DIL doesn't like her husband's DM it causes such distress and visa versa. My advice would be to be as tolerant as possible to one another. Search yourself for feelings of jealousy and insecurity before focusing on his DM or your son's wife.

We all forgive a multitude of transgressions from friends i.e., inappropriate presents, gossiping, blunt remarks and unwanted advice.....but when they come from your DIL or MIL OH dear..... it then becomes a NC scenario.

MilkTwoSugars "On so many threads you hear "YOU are his family now OP... don't stand for it... yada, yada, yada", which suggests that the son's relationship with his mother should change to the same cordiality as the MIL/DIL relationship. And then people wonder why the MIL reacts badly to it."

I disagree. I think that my DS's first loyalty must be to his wife, not to me! She is his next of kin and the person he has chosen to spend his adult life with. I do think that her needs must take precedence over mine, definitely. The nature of the mother and son relationship does and should change when the son marries. The mother should no longer be the number one woman in the son's life.

I agree 80smum, and so does my MIL

People are rarely going to come onto a forum to say nice things, they're coming to vent & wonder what is going on?

I'm NC with my own mother, so would have loved a nice MIL but sadly not.
She was good this Christmas but we still have to do things "her" way & keep enforcing boundaries so we can maintain a happy family medium.
She interfered & did things I can't forgive her for when I was pregnant with DS. She then expected an apology from me when she met DS & still pushes buttons now.

I've let a lot go, OH is just in the bloody FOG & ignore last stuff for an easy life which I've told him has to stop.

I have friends with lovely in laws but also friends with horrible ones.
I think it's unfair to say there is MIL bashing but there is some "Why are you dealing with her" etc that is a bit odd.

Well yes and I've made it my mission to be a nicer MIL than mine!

Yep. Just because your DS or DD gets married, it doesn't mean you have to be a dick about it for the rest of your life-.

Simplistic and sanctimonious OP. And patronising.

I have tried to make my and mils relationship work. It upsets me that it doesn't.

She has ignored me, abused me, bitched about me to dc. And told dh to leave me,because I had cancer.

I don't need your helpful pointing out to know it's a sad, horrible situation.

My Father and many of his generation seemed to take a back seat when it comes to relationships and organising family life. So when there are tensions they sit back, roll their eyes and make some 1970's jibe about the silly ladies and their silly concerns. It must be nice to be alowed to leave the work up to others then come out looking superior. One thing I like about my fil is he puts quite a bit of effort into organising family socials.

I also don't think the it's my own little family line is always helpful, there should be attempts on all sides first. I also hate the clichés about how mil dil relationships are always difficult, or you lose a son when they get married. Thinking like that is setting up a relationship to be hard before it even begins. Or if things are difficult then blame is shifted and it's a problem inherent to being female, rather than someone over stepping or different expectations. That could be dil or mil.

Again I have a mother who comes out with these lines to explain why her sons rarely visit and her dils even less. Nothing to do with the sons then? They don't find having to magage their mother pa tantrums hard? The dils don't want to visit after the last bit of advice that they shouldn't spend her sons money?

Family is about compromise.

I agree. But people have a different concept of compromise. For some people compromise means 'I still get things my own way'. Unfortunately compromise isn't something everyone wants to do. My mum tries to compromise alot. But it's not enough.

my point That no one can say they will be a good mil because they won't do xyz, or will do xyz. Because you have no idea who your dil is going to be.

"I wholeheartedly agree. Reading so many of the threads on here has always made me realise that some women get the relationships with their MILs that they deserve."

I agree with this. Some people just seem to need the drama / to demonise their MIL and deliberately misinterpret / over react to every perceived slight. It is about power and control of their oh I think. In days gone by people lived with their in laws and you can understand why that would have been difficult to bear / avoid conflict. Why the need to argue with someone you don't have to spend much time with when it hurts your oh and dc? I don't get it.

My MIL was a manipulative PITA who was entirely indulged by her family. She pissed me off no end but we never had a cross word because there was no point and it would have only caused drama. I just kept her at a polite arms length and nodded a lot with gritted teeth. Job done.

YABU to remind everyone as I'm sure people can work it out for themselves.
My husband's MIL is a really difficult character and his FIL is largely absent. My own In-laws are quite lovely though there has been the odd strained patch over the last decade or so. I think that is because none of us are perfect (even me ) but it doesn't come from a malicious place so it's easier to move on. My DH's MIL really does know how to go for the jugular and it is a very, very different thing.

scooby20 I would agree with you there, I suppose. All I meant when I said I would have my own life and have a friendly relationship with DS was that I wouldn't put all my eggs in one basket by expecting any GCs to be my new purpose in life and that I would be more of a very close friend than main woman in DS's life.

I do think many mums and MILs expect that they did X with their mum/MIL, so now it's their turn for the same treatment, forgetting that society changes a little with every generation. I would never call my MIL and DIL mum and dad, for instance, whereas I got confused (as a small child) by who exactly gran was mother to out my mum and dad as dad always called her mum.

astro that is not the thread I am referring to today. I have not read that one and of course I wouldn't condone someone being excluded.

sortthetache I'm so sorry to hear that your MIL abused you. How very awful.

Posters who are calling me heartless and patronising, please stop. I am 100% not being patronising. I have already said several times that I am not talking about threads where the MIL is being mean or abusive. That would be horrible and I'd support anyone going through something like that.

Thanks to those who have posted helpful replies. Whether agreeing with me or disagreeing. It's been interesting..

But OP you are being 100% patronising and each excuse you use you are digging a deeper hole and confirming quite how heartless you are. I have already said several times that I am not talking about threads where the MIL is being mean or abusive. Judging much? If a poster comes on asking for help with a difficult relationship with their MIL instead of help you judge them first as to if they are at fault, nice. You really don't understand do you? It's the little things that build up, we are changing laws accommodate this exact type of abuse (emotional abuse). But you judge from a few examples an OP gives of her life with a self obsessed MIL. I'm sure you've already dismissed this post as unhelpful, what you really mean is I don't agree with you, not the same thing OP. So when your family go NC with you OP don't be surprised, or try showing some compassion and understanding there is still time.

I disagree op, I think some women are doomed from the start to become nightmare mils.

My mil didn't stand a chance, she has all the hallmarks: Naturally passive aggressive, selfish, sulky, crass, rude, know it all, manipulative, entitled, over bearing. Its just a shame she had sons, I firmly believe that any daughter she might have had would have left her long ago and never looked back.

I would never treat my son with the level of disrespect and entitlement she treats hers with.

She had a vision of how his life would turn out that included her very heavily: What hos wedding would be like, his job, his house, and they all involved her being the 'manager' she never factored another woman into it at all. So she got a sharp shock when she realised we wanted to do things on our own.

Dh and bil were unknowingly responsible for her happiness and sense of self esteem, its utterly despicable to use your children as pawns in your own game of life.

scaredycat that's not a very nice thing to say to me. But thanks for your input.

My MIL is a pain and can be abusive. I've just had her and my gran over for Xmas. 2 nights with that woman in my house. All in the name of "family". That's 6 Christmases in a row. Won't be doing it next year as my head is battered and I do not need the stress! I've always been brought up to encourage family relationships because it's family but why should I put myself through hell for a woman who doesn't respect me or even like me? I have had many reasons to never allow her in mine or my children's lives. I stuck by the visits for my husband because I love him more than I hate her. But enough is enough.
I have both a DS and a DD and I know I will be a good MIL when the time comes because of dealing with my monstrous one.

Worraliberty:
Also, I can hardly think of any men who are really petty about their in-laws.

Seriously?
There is a long tradition of MIL jokes, all made by men and male comedians - think Les Dawson.

The only reason you see problems posted by DILs on here is because there's a higher percentage of women posting overall. Nevertheless, I can think of one male poster who has had serious problems with his MIL.

The nature of the mother and son relationship does and should change when the son marries. The mother should no longer be the number one woman in the son's life

Totally disagree with this reasoning. I have never thought of myself as "the number one woman" in my son's lives though. I am their mother, and I will always be their mother. There is no competition between a mother and a partner, it's a completely different relationship.

Oh, and Op - I remember often that I will one day become a MIL and I vow and declare I will never behave like my own MIL!

yoowhoo Your whole thread isn't very nice, I wish you hadn't started it, for those of us that have suffered, and watched our OH, DC, FIL, and others suffering at the hands of our MIL it is twisting the knife and very, very patronising.

Do you expect to be the number one woman in your son's lives? I don't think it works like that.

I see no reason why my dp's relationship with his parents should change just because of me. My relationship with my mother and father didn't change because of him.

Posters who are calling me heartless and patronising, please stop. I am 100% not being patronising

You are absolutely being patronising. To say to remind you all

Just remind yourself.

Lots of women get very badly treated by their MILs so to have you remind them that they will be a MIL one day is completely unnecessary

But I've seen plenty in the past where perhaps MIL wants to spend time with grandchild but it's always wrong or something...but if it was own mother it would be different.

Youwho - but isn't this understandable a bit? My PILs lived 250 miles away from us. When I had ds1 I'd met MIL about 3 or 4 times. She was very different to my own mum whom I naturally wanted to spend more time with. Is that so wrong?

My MIL is neither mean nor abusive. She is a very kind, mild mannered and generous woman. But she caused me no end of stress when my dcs were little because she behaved as if they were first and foremost her dgc and my dcs second. When I had dc3 she still thought she knew best even though she'd had 1 dc 40 years earlier. The fact that she had given cow's milk and chocolate to DH when he was a few weeks old meant it was fine for her to try and do the same with my dcs. It was never, 'of course if you don't want me to do that I won't '. It was always 'but it never did my DS any harm'. She'd take an exclusively breast fed, few months old baby out for an hour or two and come back hours and hours later - then look hurt that I was tearing my hair out . She'd buy loads of silly sailor suit/fussy outfits that she wanted to dress him up in and if we suggested exchanging for something more practical (money was tight then) she'd look hurt and say she'd lost the receipt so would just keep the clothes for him to wear at her house when we visited.

All things which on their own seem trivial but added up used to drive me round the bend. She's 85 now, newly widowed and very frail. My heart goes out to her and I'm sad we couldn't have had a better relationship years ago.

I'll do my best to be lovely to my children in law and not dictatorial and rude.