To remind you all... (MIL related)

[yoowhoo]

If you have a son or daughter, they may get married in the future and that will then make you a MIL...?
Don't get me wrong, some of the MIL threads I do sympathise but I'm getting really sad to see every other thread being a MIL bashing. In particular it's when poor MIL is mother to a son. I just think we all need to step back a bit and think we may be one one day!

I think the problem is often that people forget that their mil's primary relationship is with their son and their grandchildren. All that is required between mil and dil is cordiality. It's lovely if it's more, but why should it be, really? Two women of completely different generations with quite possibly nothing at all in common and no shared history

Good point. I have a cordial relationship with my MIL but no more - we have zero in common except that we both love her son and grandson! Also she has five other grandchildren and was younger when they were kids and they lived closer to her so she had a closer relationship with them than she does with my ds.

My DH gets on well with my mum, better than I do at times, but she's much younger than his mum and they simply have more in common than I do with his mother. However, I have had boyfriends in the past where I really got on well with their mums and one very brief fling had a lovely mum and I would have adored to have her as my MIL.

I am not too worried about being cast as the evil MIL, I am more worried my ds will marry someone who likes dogs, wants to get one, or two, or three, and then decides she wants them to come to stay/visit. Hopefully the current craze for having a, or several, dog(s) will have abated by that time.

Totally agree with the OP. My MIL sadly passed away before DD was born and I'm so sad that they never got to meet and she was never involved in DD's life. She was really lovely and I always got on well with her. I miss her a lot.

I will try NOT to be like my MIL who told my DH "I am jealous of pinkstripeycat as she has taken you away from me." DH was 30 and had been in the army for 8 years! This was the reason she was so nasty to me for years leaving nasty messages on my phone and making up lies about me to tell her friends who would then scowl at me. MIL only started to be nice when I had my 1st child and she told SIL "When pinkstripeycat has the baby I am scared she isn't going to let me see it." I did let MIL see DS obviously but never let her look after him alone as she was completely nuts! I have 2 x boys and will try and be a more chilled MIL. I know some people have lovely MILs

It does worry me. I have 3 ds's and hope to goodness I don't become a toxic MIL ! Many of my work colleagues with sons seem to have massive issues with their dil's !!

Some MILs bring it on themselves to be fair! I got together with my husband age 16. From day 1 she did not approve and made it clear I was not welcome, mainly due to religious reasons. The day we got engaged, her first question was where we'd be getting married (and it was not in a polite manner either). She then tried to guilt trip my DH in to making me get married in a church. We've now got kids and she refuses to listen to our views on how we raise them, going against us at every turn and then the crocodile tears start when she's spoken too. She watches them one day a week, not because I want her to but because she wants too (I'd rather pay the nursery fees). She also complained of feeling left out when we were spending all of our time with my terminally ill father. I don't have my natural mother in my life and now my father is dead, id loved to have a MIL that I could have gotten on with but it was not to be.

My MIL told me before I married her son that she thought he could have done much better. And she never came to the wedding. I've been her daughter in law for over 20 years now and we tolerate each other and are polite but there's no affection there at all.
I have 2 sons who both have long term girlfriends who I get on brilliantly with so I must be doing something right.
As long as my boys are loved, I'm happy with whoever their choice is.

Ive just come back from my MIL's 90th birthday party, she is such an inspirationall woman.. mother to four sons who all adore her. All sons happily married. We SILS/DILs get on wonderfully together and with MIL ( even though we are all very different types of people)..

I have a DS aged 26 and a DSD aged 29 and 3 DGCs .. I hope they will love me as much as I love my DMIL ..(they seem to think I am ok so far)

MN has far too much MIL bashing .. but then what can I say? I am a MIL..

I think the problem is often that people forget that their mil's primary relationship is with their son and their grandchildren.???? ?

I just want my DS and DSD and their partners and the DGCS to be happy .. we may have different priorities sometimes, but then intergenerational relationships are goiung to be like that arent they.. We have spent 20+ years bringing up our kids and wanting them to be happy and successful as they could/wanted to be.. but its their lives now.. they bring up their kids how they want.. (but i think they want the same things we did.. happy healthty children and happy personal relationships also.)

I am a gran ,I love my family dearly and will do what I can for them (if they want it ) but I am a 'youngish' gran.(at 59). I also have a post-family adventure in me I hope.. I want my DCs to make their own life/family..

We are there if they want us , but we are also ourselves with our own lives and hopefully still some exciting adventures to have for ourselves... Isnt that what its all about? (BTW we have just had a brilliant Christmas with our DCs, DGCS, DMIL, DBILs and DSILs and nephews and cousins. I hope they all enjoyed it as much as we did) .. but Yes. I am very pleased to be at home again with DH, the cat and a bottle of this evening.

I meant primary relationship in the new family. Not in her life. Sorry- bad writing!

There's two things here. Lots of awful interfering MILs and nasty DILs too.

It's my life's mission for my sons benefit to raise him to recognise a good kind woman for his partner and to be the best MIL I can be. Hopefully both things will work out.

My MIL is solid gold. I couldn't have a better one. I'm pretty certain she'd say I am a pretty good DIL too.

josephine Mine too.. a wonderful woman.. I want to be like her..

Laska..you sound like a lovely MIL!
Happy in yourself..and happy for others 😊

My first MiL was mean to.me but luckily lived far from us so only had to grit teeth and smile one or two times each year. My second MiL is fantastic. She has been a lovely nan to my children from first marriage and they love her much more than their biological gran.

My MIL has provided me with the template of how NOT to raise a son. She's attention seeking, insecure, guilt trips DH into doing everything for her, has held him back in life. I will raise DS to go out into the world as a strong, confident man who doesn't need to incessantly worry about his mother.

My mil was lovely. Mad as bats but lovely. She came to the hospital after each dc born. Gave them a cuddle, beamed with pride and left after 20 mins. She thought all her kids and grandkids (11 of them) were equally brilliant
She did sometimes invite 25 people for lunch and cook one small chicken..
My dm is equally a great mil to my dh who she loves like a son.
My dm and mil also liked each other..

Patronising naive op. I have tried with mil, really tried. She is a very strange cold woman. Dh relationship with her had essentially broken down before we met the reasons why quickly became apparent.

Both my sisters have warm loving involved mils and I am envious. Mine sends me poison pen letters. I am not on bad terms with anyone else and have lots of friends. She is estranged from her family and has no friends. Yet in ops eyes our crap relationship is all my fault.

Of course there are nasty MILs whose poor DILs have tried their best but to no avail. There are also difficult relationships which are six of one and half a dozen of another.

I think what the OP is talking about, and certainly what I find irritating on MN, is something a bit different. It is all the threads where the poster/DIL has no real or substantial objection to her MIL, just a kind of default assumption, often supported in the comments, that as wife and mother her needs come first and if it causes pain or inconvenience to MIL too bad. Your DH will have to,put up with it, his loyalty is to you....your house, your rules.....your child, your rules......of course you just want your own mum there......no, YANBU to be livid that your MIL gave the children a different biscuit to your preferred brand...etc...

There is not so much major fault on either side, more a laziness in only seeing things from the perspective of a mother with young DC, and only telling yourself what you want to hear and what makes your life easier now. Often there is no logical thinking about the fact that they will one day be MILs, and what they would expect then. Usually it is the most pfb and precious posters who take against reasonable MILs, I find it very hard to imagine that they will suddenly turn into agreeable laid back non interfering MILs themselves!

kerala 'Yet in ops eyes our crap relationship is all my fault' please read the full thread before saying that. Or I'm fact... my original post. I'm sorry to hear your MIL has been horrible to you.

bayl thanks for your post. I think you've hit the nail on the head 😊

Op doesn't say that at all. I thought her op crass and very patronising "you may be a mil yourself one day" durr thanks for the devastating insight. I imagine the op is very young.

My mil is awful. I will not be like her. Not all mil are awful though, im unlucky!

I'm another one with a difficult MIL. She made my life a misery during the first few years of our marriage and the damage was irreparable. I've come to terms with it now but it hasn't been easy and I'm determined to be a better MIL to our DC's partners than she was to me.

But I'm a bit scared, tbh! I worry so much about getting it wrong with our son's partner (now fiancee, very excited!) that I end up overthinking everything and wonder if tiptoeing around will mean I end up inadvertently causing offence. Do I get on and do their washing up without asking, or will she think I'm implying they're messy? If I ask about her work will she think I'm nosy and intrusive, or interested and supportive? She's got strong ideas about what she likes / doesn't like, so I often give her gift cards for birthdays and Christmas so she can choose things herself, but then I wonder whether she thinks I give her gift no thought....... it's a bloody minefield!

Baylis yes that's exactly it.

My MIL is a cow that most cattle would stampede to reject from their species.

She's Tilly the Hun with a lot of the leather and fur themes going on from her forebearers wardrobe.

For fun, I am sure that she chews broken glass by open graves while researching the legal circumstances under which she could get away with impaling and beheading those who displease her.

However I am equally sure I am in the unlucky minority and the exception to the rule.

Toffee I agree with you, it is a minefield for all the reasons you say. I think it's a shame that you can't just relax and do what comes naturally for fear of being judged as either interfering, over-familiar, nosey or on the flip side, lazy, aloof and uninterested.

Threads like this are a good example. You get one person saying 'My MIL is AWFUL. She comes in, sits on her arse and expects to be waited on hand and foot when she knows I am struggling with a three month old baby. She never helps with anything and even at Christmas we had to ASK her to start laying the table for lunch, she knew we were stressed out in the kitchen but she just sat there reading a book with my three year old, because she liked to play at Grandmother of the Year once every few months and then she fucks off again. She pretends to be interested in him for appearance's sake but she's only taken him out for the day three times in his life and she's never offered to have him overnight so I can have a break, whereas my does this once a month and is an angel. When the youngest was born she couldn't even be bothered to come and see her for the first five days even though she only lives an hour away.'

Meanwhile someone is saying 'My MIL is AWFUL. She's here every flipping week without fail, refuses to accept my boundaries that once a month is enough. She drives me insane, waltzes in and starts unloading my dishwasher and folding my laundry, it's so passive aggressive when I am struggling to find time to get in the shower with the baby feeding on demand, never mind keep on top of the housework. When the youngest was born she manipulated DH into letting her visit while I was still in hospital which made me furious, no thought to what I might want at all, it's all about her.

She comes into my home and takes over, starts making my three year old some sandwiches without asking if it's okay to use the nice ham and pombears. She tries to monopolise DS, constantly asking if she can take him out for the day or have him for the weekend, he's my child not hers. She keeps buying him things to leave at her house for when he's there! How dare she! She's trying to undermine me!'

See? How are these women supposed to know what the fuck to do?