Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To remind you all... (MIL related)

220 replies

yoowhoo · 27/12/2016 09:12

If you have a son or daughter, they may get married in the future and that will then make you a MIL...?
Don't get me wrong, some of the MIL threads I do sympathise but I'm getting really sad to see every other thread being a MIL bashing. In particular it's when poor MIL is mother to a son. I just think we all need to step back a bit and think we may be one one day!

OP posts:
MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 27/12/2016 09:56

I think the problem is often that people forget that their mil's primary relationship is with their son and their grandchildren.

On so many threads you hear "YOU are his family now OP... don't stand for it... yada, yada, yada", which suggests that the son's relationship with his mother should change to the same cordiality as the MIL/DIL relationship. And then people wonder why the MIL reacts badly to it.

Iknowthisgirlcanx100 · 27/12/2016 09:56

I think it is a difficult relationship. I always wonder about the lack of criticism for younger women, often DILS, (generally presumed to be in the right) but it seems strange that these same women supposedly become narcissistic and totally unreasonable as soon as they pass the age threshold and become MILS themselves.
MN is generally a really supportive community for women except it would appear if you are a MIL, SIL or just old. I always want to add a reminder that these are women too, often facing the same problems as other women.

NicknameUsed · 27/12/2016 09:57

"my MIL giving me a big hug and saying, "Thank you for making my son so happy." "

I think that is why I get on so well with my MIL. She is happy that OH and I have been happily married for over 35 years.

MagicChicken · 27/12/2016 09:58

I actually believe that many of the DILs on MN who have nothing but hatred and contempt for their MILs will probably be the same women on here in 20 years time moaning about their awful DILs.

Some people are just hard bloody work to get along with and intent on finding offence in everything.

Krampus · 27/12/2016 10:01

I only have sons and one day may be a mil, I don't need reminding at all. I have great inlaws, none of us are perfect but we rub along just fine. I can still have sympathy for those in just frustrating situations as well as the nasty ones.

Some of us may have parents who we know are the tricky inlaws and have a view from behind the scenes. Maybe some of us see our mothers causing problems but somehow remain looking innocent, so the dil doesn't really have anything to pin on them without sounding petty. The coldnesss towards them, not asking about them, wierd little digs, when one sil goes out of the room a small snide comment is made to all the other women, treating anything they say with mild disdain. It's not a mil and dil thing, it happens across all relationships but it's a mainly female forum.

Anyway, is it a bad thing if people do post about a situation and they're deemed to be unreasonable? At least they know and can take the opportunity to rethink.

M0stlyHet · 27/12/2016 10:01

I agree with others that it's a self- selecting sample and not representative: people only post here when they're annoyed. My ex MIL is lovely - we still exchange Christmas cards and see one another from time to time.

BlurryFace · 27/12/2016 10:03

MagicChicken, in some cases you may well be right. I don't feel I take shit from anyone IRL, and ten to be a bit hot tempered at times, but I read some posts here and just think "dude, that's family you're talking about".

BertrandRussell · 27/12/2016 10:05

I think the "my little family" mentality is incredibly destructive.

miwelaisjacydo · 27/12/2016 10:06

I agree. Then again my MIL is great.

Purplepixiedust · 27/12/2016 10:07

I agree OP. Some of the MIL threads make me really sad. Not always the inital thread (we all need to have a moan and get some advice from time to time) but those who jump in the band wagon saying 'go NC' or 'who does she think she is YOU are his family now'. If people remembered that the mother/son bond might be the same as the mother/daughter one then they might be a bit more understanding. I hope I am a good MIL when the time comes. Mine was fab and I loved her to bits. She wasn't my mum but I understood her wish to see her son and grandson as much as my mum wanted to see us. I wish very much she was still around.

ALemonyPea · 27/12/2016 10:08

A lot of the MIL are so sad. Such malice towards MILs for such trivial things.

I only have sons, makes me wonder what my DIL (if I get one) will hate me for.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 27/12/2016 10:09

I wouldn't be surprised if the OP that posts "My MIL is evil, I'm going NC and stopping her from seeing the children" and the OP that posts "DH's sister is evil and not letting lovely MIL see her children" have the same MIL! Grin

SheldonCRules · 27/12/2016 10:11

Totally agree OP.

So many see their husbands parents as disposable or inconvenient whilst expecting their own to play a huge part.

There have been so many threads about MILs and Christmas, it's very sad. From how much they have spent ( not enough) to daring to buy something not pre approved or daring to want to see their grandchildren on the day.

When you get married you join a family, any man that marries someone who expects him to treat his parents as second best needs to look more closely at his choices in a partner.

RaspberryOverloadsOnMincePies · 27/12/2016 10:16

I love my mum, but she can be very funny with people sometimes, which included DP in our early years. My late MIL was nice but the relationship was always superficial, simply because of a) the age gap of 40 years, and b) our very different personalities.

That said, I made the effort, kept it civil and nice, and I think she liked me.

But I don't think either Mum or MIL would be a good role model for a MIL.

So I plan to just be me when it's my turn to be a MIL, which means I'll be nice and know when to back off. I just hope that DS will find someone who is willing to meet me in the middle for the best result all round.

BalloonSlayer · 27/12/2016 10:19

There were a few reasons why my MIL could have heartily disliked me based on the prejudices of her age/religion plus marrying her precious son of course.

Instead she made the decision to love me and love me she did. I loved her too and miss her.

I hope to make the same decision with my sons and daughters in law. People say "you can't help who you love" and maybe you can't stop loving someone but you can make yourself start.

Wolpertinger · 27/12/2016 10:24

I didn't get on that well with my MIL - mainly because she had firm ideas about wifework at which I was sorely lacking.

I talked it over with my mum who had a brainwave and said 'If she can lay down the law because she's a MIL, well I'm a MIL too' Grin

A get together was arranged, it was all very polite but there was a small MIL to MIL standoff over the doilies, since when my MIL has been a lot more likeable having realised not everyone has the same marriage as her I was brought up badly by a brazen hussy It was much easier having the anti-wifework argument made v politely over tea and cake by an elderly woman than by me who clearly didn't know her place and got emotional and started ranting

I think there are as many threads about evil mums on here as evil MILs, just the later tend to stand out.

Scooby20 · 27/12/2016 10:24

I plan to have my own life (like my MIL and my mum do) and have friendly relationships with my lads and their partners rather than set myself up as a baby guru who wants to live in their children's pockets.

And given the threads here your dil will cast you as the grandmother who doesn't care or do enough.

I think being a grandparent it hard to get right. But it always seems to be the mil that is the main trouble causer. Fil seem only to play a supporting role in the majority of threads. That always strikes me as odd.

gottachangethename1 · 27/12/2016 10:25

My mil has never been particularly welcoming towards me, in fact she terrified me for the first few years of knowing her. However, she adores my dh and is always kind to my dc (not her grandchild by blood) so I am always polite and pleasant towards her. She will never be my friend but I do have respect for her and would never come between her and her son.

Celendine · 27/12/2016 10:26

OP totally agree with you , I was told this when I got married by my own mum too

DollyPlastic · 27/12/2016 10:29

My son's aren't married but I get on really well with their girlfriends and always have through the years.

I fully expect to get on with my DILs and don't see why it's 'always going to be a difficult relationship'

throughgrittedteeth · 27/12/2016 10:31

My MIL is an absolute babe. DP and I were a couple when we were teenagers (first love stuff) and her and I always got on well, we split up and she stayed loosely in touch, when we got back together 10 years later, it was like nothing had changed. She is a lovely woman and is so fiercely independent and positive about everything, she's a great person to have in your life. She's thanked me several times for making her son happy too, which is a lovely thing for someone to say. I luffs her.

MagicChicken · 27/12/2016 10:32

I think the "my little family" mentality is incredibly destructive.

Totally agree. I wince when I see that written in a post and think 'Oh dear....it's one of those women.

Jayfee · 27/12/2016 10:32

Can we have a list of what we feel is good and bad in mother in laws and daughter or son in laws in laws?

I will start...a daughter in law who accepts her mil thnks she wants to know all about dps childhood and wont hold her frequent stories about the family past aganst her.
A dil who helps without asking when visiting

Bluebolt · 27/12/2016 10:33

We can all say how we are going to be as a MIL but it is totally dependent on the other person. When my DM was alive she had one DIL who loved her as a mother and one who avoided any contact. She was one woman with her faults but had two polar relationships with her DILs.

Kr1stina · 27/12/2016 10:35

I am a MIL already so I think I'd already worked that out Hmm