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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ban her DD?

210 replies

LauraJenson · 27/07/2016 21:04

I have 3DD, 17, 15, 12 and a DS, 5 with ASD.

We have an above ground pool in the garden that my teens and their friends have been using on a daily basis for the past 2 weeks and even though it was cloudy today, I had teens going in and out of the garden all day.

They were using the gate, so unless I entered the kitchen or looked out of the upper level windows, I couldn't see who was there or what was going on.

We have rules in place, e.g not to use the pool until it's 11 in the morning, 3 friends max each at one time and no more etc and my DDs have rarely broken them as it would mean they just can't use it any more.

Took DS out for the day, came home absolutely exhausted this evening to have a woman I'd never seen waiting for me.

She was one of the mother's of a girl that DD3 (12 year old) had brought home.

The Mum was pretty furious as she didn't know where her DD (also 12) had been all day, did I not watch over my kids?

Surely if a strange child was in my home I should have asked if their parents knew they were here?

Their were also 2 boys in the pool (12 and 15) and she went on about how inappropriate it was for them to be swimming alone with a group of girls.

I was too shocked and too tired to really say anything back, I said I knew the boys and didn't have a problem with them, apologied as I just assumed teens would ask their parent before going to a strangers house and it wouldn't happen again as I'd keep an eye out for her DD and send her straight back if I saw her again.

She seemed surprised and her DD got really upset but I just said goodbye and went inside.

I doubt her DD will ever return but if she does would it BU to just send her home and tell DD3 not to bring her around.

OP posts:
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Familyof3or4 · 27/07/2016 21:10

Not unreasonable to ban her as her family rules clearly don't correspond with yours and why should you change your rules?
I can't believe she is worried about her DD swimming with boys, that is totally unreasonable and actually offensive.

Familyof3or4 · 27/07/2016 21:11

Also furious at you that she didn't know where her child was? Hmm

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 27/07/2016 21:13

WHAT. They entered your house without permission.( Yes The garden is part of your house) and you're the villain.
How fuckin rude and brass neck is that!!!!!.
She's on at you because SHE didn't know where HER DD was.
I'm absolutely beyond fuming on your behalf.

blueskywithclouds · 27/07/2016 21:14

Yanbu, if her daughter cannot be trusted to tell her mum then you won't know if she is meant to be there.

Narnia72 · 27/07/2016 21:15

I wouldn't have her round again, but I also wouldn't allow loads of unsupervised teens in a pool. What happens if there's an accident? Water is dangerous. I wouldn't allow my kids to go to a house where there was an unsupervised pool. I'd rethink this before there's a tragedy.

itsmine · 27/07/2016 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lunar1 · 27/07/2016 21:18

I'd put a lock on your gate. No way would I have a bunch of unsupervised teens in a pool in my garden. It's just an accident waiting to happen.

JinRamen · 27/07/2016 21:18

I'm with Narnia.

Sirzy · 27/07/2016 21:19

I agree that having 12 year olds unsupervised in a pool doesn't sound a very wise idea. Although the mum shouldn't have been rude I can understand why she wasn't happy.

ReginaBlitz · 27/07/2016 21:21

Sorry but you are being irresponsible, it's your garden , your pool you should know who the fuck is coming in and out all day.

WilliamScottsOrange · 27/07/2016 21:24

at 12 id assume the child is capable of keeping her parents informed. The mother should have told the child off, not you

Scotmumof2girls · 27/07/2016 21:25

Tbh YANBU and your kids ages are more than adequate to be left in an above ground pool on their own IMHO and I'm surprised that others think not. I'm sure you are able to judge the capabilities of your own kids and it's other parents responsibilities to know where their kids are and that their kids communicate with them.

WilliamScottsOrange · 27/07/2016 21:26

the 12 year old probably only needs light supervision in the pool but a capable 15 year old would be fine to do that

Original poster
LauraJenson · 27/07/2016 21:27

Regina: "Your pool you should know who the fuck is coming in and out all day"

Even if I'd known she was there, I wouldn't have asked a 12 year old if her parents knew she was here, just assumed she'd already gotten permission

OP posts:
TerribleTwentyTwos · 27/07/2016 21:28

While she should be keeping an eye on where her DD is, I agree with the above posters that you shouldn't be going out and leaving your children in a pool without supervision.

As for swimming with boys, for goodness sake! If you make socialising with the opposite gender forbidden, then children will just go behind their parents' backs (like the friend clearly did) to do it anyway. Reinforces the stereotype that boys and girls can't be friends without it being sexual. Angry AngryAngry

RiverTam · 27/07/2016 21:30

Regardless of the rights and wrongs of the OP's supervision, it's not her responsibility that some random child buggers off from her own home without telling her mother where she's gone! And the comment about the boys is just ShockShockShock.

If DD did that I'd be furious with her, not her friend's mother!

Fresta · 27/07/2016 21:32

Children playing in a swimming pool unsupervised is an accident waiting to happen, that's why swimming pools have life-guards. I wouldn't allow it as I wouldn't want the guilt if anything happened to a child while I wasn't there.

However, YANBU to expect the child's parents to know where she is, that's their responsibility not yours.

atomsatdawn · 27/07/2016 21:33

See if they were under elevenish I would think it is sensible to ask a kid you know lives local if Mum knows they are here. That is what we did.

Any older than eleven I would be like oh dd is here, thanks for having my dd over op. If I had been worried where they were i might be pissed off at my dd for not telling me but certainly not you!

SaucyJack · 27/07/2016 21:36

You are both at fault.

My oldest is 11.5 and I can't imagine so negligent around water with either her or her friends.

However, the other mother was wrong to blame you because she didn't know where her own kid was.

Both of you need to up your game a bit IMO.

Maddaddam · 27/07/2016 21:37

12 is a funny age. I have dds aged 16, 14, 12, and we tend to view dd3 (12) as fairly free-ranging, but I know her friends' parents think we are arranging childcare if I let her invite a friend round, or suggest they meet up, and I know they do tend to assume I'm supervising still.

Some 12 year olds are a lot more independent than others too. One of mine could probably have run the country quite effectively at that age, but the other 2 would still get a bit lost finding the local bus stop we use all the time.

So I would also tell 12yo her friends can't come round when you're out. It just saves hassle.

gandalf456 · 27/07/2016 21:41

I wouldn't leave my dd at twelve in my pool but she's my eldest. I would if she had two older sisters. There is a difference

Redcliff · 27/07/2016 21:42

YANBU when my nephew was 17 he was a lifeguard at the local lido. As long as you know your kids are sensible enough to deal with an emergency then it's not unreasonable for you to go out with your son.

Original poster
LauraJenson · 27/07/2016 21:42

I understand the worries people have about supervision but that's a choice I've chosen to make, you may not agree with it and I accept that and as parents you're within your right to tell your DCs not to come, but don't expect me to chase after your teenagers and make you sure that you know where they are or that they're not swimming with boys.

If the girl had phoned home and asked, her Mother could have asked about who would be there? The level of supervision etc? And then chosen to say no.

OP posts:
TheWitTank · 27/07/2016 21:42

What?! She had a go because HER daughter had been out all day and she didn't know where she was? Ridiculous. I would have told her that I am in no way responsible for her daughter and what she is or is not allowed to do. If she is that uptight about boys being in the same pool Hmm then maybe she should helicopter parent her 12 year old everywhere all summer. From now on I would be checking more frequently on who was in the pool and remove any child you don't know. In fact, I wouldn't have an open pool. A few friends per day is enough, not loads of random kids charging in and out all day.

georgetteheyersbonnet · 27/07/2016 21:44

I'd expect 12-year-olds to be supervised in a pool with someone around. They're still more children than teenagers and can get into trouble without meaning to, have poor judgment even if they are normally sensible, can egg each other on to things in a group that they wouldn't normally do on their own, and so on. I'd be even more closely supervising if there were older teens about, because no matter how sensible your girls are, other invited older teens might not be.

I'd also be around and supervising 15-year-olds using a pool. Mainly because that age is a prime one for experimenting with alcohol and alcohol and pools don't mix. Again, no matter how sensible your girls are, other kids they've invited could get out of hand very quickly.

17-year-olds I'd probably be OK with leaving without supervision (but with the proviso that unexpected things can still happen). At 17 though they should be able to cope with a range of situations and know what to do and what not to do in an emergency.

In short, I think she was BU in confronting you about her DD; but you are definitely U about leaving young teens alone with a mix of ages in an unsupervised pool. You would be legally responsible if a 12 year old or a 15 year old came to harm in your pool, and the thought of what could happen to you personally in that case (including imprisonment) should give you pause. (You would be far less likely to be held responsible in practice for anything going wrong with 17-year-old guests, though you would still be legally liable.) Don't take the risk with the younger teens at least.