Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ban her DD?

210 replies

LauraJenson · 27/07/2016 21:04

I have 3DD, 17, 15, 12 and a DS, 5 with ASD.

We have an above ground pool in the garden that my teens and their friends have been using on a daily basis for the past 2 weeks and even though it was cloudy today, I had teens going in and out of the garden all day.

They were using the gate, so unless I entered the kitchen or looked out of the upper level windows, I couldn't see who was there or what was going on.

We have rules in place, e.g not to use the pool until it's 11 in the morning, 3 friends max each at one time and no more etc and my DDs have rarely broken them as it would mean they just can't use it any more.

Took DS out for the day, came home absolutely exhausted this evening to have a woman I'd never seen waiting for me.

She was one of the mother's of a girl that DD3 (12 year old) had brought home.

The Mum was pretty furious as she didn't know where her DD (also 12) had been all day, did I not watch over my kids?

Surely if a strange child was in my home I should have asked if their parents knew they were here?

Their were also 2 boys in the pool (12 and 15) and she went on about how inappropriate it was for them to be swimming alone with a group of girls.

I was too shocked and too tired to really say anything back, I said I knew the boys and didn't have a problem with them, apologied as I just assumed teens would ask their parent before going to a strangers house and it wouldn't happen again as I'd keep an eye out for her DD and send her straight back if I saw her again.

She seemed surprised and her DD got really upset but I just said goodbye and went inside.

I doubt her DD will ever return but if she does would it BU to just send her home and tell DD3 not to bring her around.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
KoalaDownUnder · 28/07/2016 13:18

Ps And I still think the OP WNBU!

PNGirl · 28/07/2016 13:27

I don't think you were unreasonable at all. It's her daughter's fault for effectively wandering off and she'd have reacted the same if she was just in your garden all day with no water involved.
As for whether or not one should leave a 17 year old alone by a pool with siblings who are 15 and under - what's the issue? I went to Spain with a friend when I was 17. I was also looking after 2 kids aged 4 and 11 when I was 17, for 3 days a week in the holidays. 17 is an adult in all but numbers.

LyndaNotLinda · 28/07/2016 13:32

Threads on MN = mind of their own.

Glad you sent the DD packing today. You really don't need that kind of grief and if her mum thinks you're such a dreadful person, why on earth did she send her DD back again today?

Confused
elodie2000 · 28/07/2016 13:35

Glad you sent them away OP. Can't help feeling sorry for the girl though... The argument is between her and her mum though.

RaspberryOverload · 28/07/2016 13:36

Oversized paddling pool isn't in use today as it look like it's going to rain, but I still sent her home. She said her Mum knew she was coming and that I could phone her but I just don't want her or her DD in my home

Actually, I think that was the right thing to do, especially with a mum who can go off like she did before. Hard on the child, but hopefully the mum will get the message.

kaitlinktm · 28/07/2016 13:37

The cheek of her turning up again today after her mother harangued you at your own door yesterday! And expecting you to ring said mother and check! Brass neck - I am glad you sent her home.

kaitlinktm · 28/07/2016 13:39

Cheeky of the mother that is - assuming that she had magnanimously given her permission and had generously invited you to ring and check - not so much the daughter.

itsmine · 28/07/2016 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZenMom · 28/07/2016 14:53

So yesterday bags shit crazy mother didn't want her there because of boys (gasp) but today it's ok.... She sounds as if she needs serious help tbh delusional as opposed to delusions that one

Willow2016 · 28/07/2016 14:56

Round here the kids go down to the beach without parents, go jumping off the pier (its a local tradition) in groups Shock They all know how to respect the sea and other water, its drummed into them from an early age. Having watched them for years, never seen any of it turn into an orgy!

Its a big paddling pool! There were older kids. They were having fun not trying to drown each other!

If I couldnt trust my 12 year old alone at home for a while then there is seriously something wrong.

The other mum was looking for a scapegoat, her dd didnt tell her where she was and she wont admit that that is the cause of her anger. Maybe she will think first before blaming someone else for her lack of communication with her dd.

ZenMom · 28/07/2016 15:01

Doh bat not bags !!!

Atinybittiredandsad · 28/07/2016 15:02

She's crazy and totally daft.

However sorry op I think you are crazy too allowing anyone access to your pool while you are out.

If there was an accident could you be held responsible? What if a wandering toddler fell into your pool? It happens.

You are very lax.

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 28/07/2016 15:03

There were also 2 boys in the pool (12 and 15) and she went on about how inappropriate it was for them to be swimming alone with a group of girls.

Lunatic.

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 28/07/2016 15:09

I'm pretty sure your contents or building insurance doesn't cover loss of somebody else's child's life.

It absolutely does. That's the point about third party insurance.

However, as with the routine "OMG! Call the police!" the idea that if near-teenagers in your pool, including your own, were to have an accident then you would be criminally or civilly liable is pretty far out there. The threshold of negligence that would have to be shown would be extremely high, and the contention that it is actionably negligent to leave 12 year olds in a swimming pool with a 17 year old present would be very unlikely to succeed. Unlikely to the point of impossibility.

WannaBe · 28/07/2016 15:46

I find it astounding that on one thread on MN people are arguing that a seventeen year old is old enough to decide that she wants to have a baby with a 43 year old because she is likely mature for her age, and yet on this thread people are arguing that a seventeen year old couldn't be seen as responsible enough to be present with a group of twelve year olds in a pool. Even though sixteen/seventeen year olds are routinely employed as life guards at swimming pools where twelve year olds are routinely allowed to go unaccompanied. In fact there is even a thread on MN where an OP didn't want to allow her twelve year old with a group of other twelve year olds to a public swimming pool and she was told she was being unreasonable. MN logic at its finest.

LyndaNotLinda · 28/07/2016 15:51

There's a gate Atinybit. Are 'wandering toddlers' a thing now?

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 28/07/2016 15:58

MN logic at its finest.

The Germans have a word (or words) for it: "vorauseilender Gehorsam". It means seeking our new rules to obey, so that you can prove to others that you are more law-abiding than they are.

Hence all the MN stuff in which people immediately claim things are "illegal" when, at the very most, there are corner-case circumstances where it is just about imaginable that it might be taken to breach contractual or code of practice provisions. Hence all the wildly ill-informed claims about minimum ages for being left alone, about the rules on access to alcohol, about the "rules" on travelling alone and walking to school, etc, etc, et bloody cetera.

It's all "I'm a better and more obedient parent than you" virtue signalling.

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 28/07/2016 15:58

And no-one appears to have picked up the claim that it's "inappropriate" for teenage boys and girls to be together. That's quite odd, isn't it?

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 28/07/2016 16:06

Is it wrong to wish I had seen this thread before all the deletions? Grin

OP you totally did the right thing sending the girl home. The mum is cheeky as fuck. Serves them both right.

LyndaNotLinda · 28/07/2016 16:18

Hearts - you missed out Grin

Original poster
LauraJenson · 28/07/2016 16:47

Hearts, I didn't realise that they were deleted until you mentioned it. It really wasn't all that exciting.

WannaBe, I'm not suprised, I tend to take MN advice with a large pinch of salt. Plenty of people would leave a 17 year old to watch over pre-teens with 2 15 year olds to help, but on here that's widely irresponsible but at the same time a 17 year old can have a child, join the army etc.

Like I said, it's unlikely I'll change my rules, they work for my family. Most 12 year olds can swim, those that can't, I find, don't want to even get in and the likelihood of a toddler wandering off, getting into my garden, removing the pool cover, climbing up the steps and jumping/falling in is very very very slim.

OP posts:
Roseformeplease · 28/07/2016 16:58

Sorry, my fault. I reported a few posts this morning from Lady.

Natsku · 28/07/2016 17:11

Same here Willow children start going down the beach with friends from around age 10, no lifeguards (small lake beach) with a jetty to dive off of so a lot more dangerous than OP's above ground pool - I wouldn't bat an eyelid at 12 year olds and teenagers using one of those unsupervised.

OP YANBU, send that girl home and remind your DD that she needs to make sure her friends have their parents' permission before coming swimming. Very jealous of your pool, my garden is too small and slopy for a pool :( My uncle has one like that though and he's rigged up a slide on scaffolding to make it into a really cool waterslide!

MiscellaneousAssortment · 28/07/2016 17:43

Isn't it more likely the mother realized she had over reacted yesterday, when she turned all her anger on the OP, so let her dd have a bit more of an arrangement like her peers have?

More than the 'she's delusional and needs help' comments?!

I would view it as a successful move for the poor dd, moving forwards from the mothers too extreme house rules (no boys, no unsupervised time at others houses etc), and - step towards allowing the dd to be with her peers and allowing her to lead a more normal life?

No reason for you to accept the dd at yours though if you want to stay away from the mother :)

I feel very sorry for the kid though.

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 28/07/2016 17:50

Isn't it more likely the mother realized she had over reacted yesterday, when she turned all her anger on the OP, so let her dd have a bit more of an arrangement like her peers have?

Perhaps. So phoning the OP up and saying "sorry, things got a bit out of hand yesterday, I was a bit worried, can we start again?" would be a good idea, no?

Swipe left for the next trending thread