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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ban her DD?

210 replies

LauraJenson · 27/07/2016 21:04

I have 3DD, 17, 15, 12 and a DS, 5 with ASD.

We have an above ground pool in the garden that my teens and their friends have been using on a daily basis for the past 2 weeks and even though it was cloudy today, I had teens going in and out of the garden all day.

They were using the gate, so unless I entered the kitchen or looked out of the upper level windows, I couldn't see who was there or what was going on.

We have rules in place, e.g not to use the pool until it's 11 in the morning, 3 friends max each at one time and no more etc and my DDs have rarely broken them as it would mean they just can't use it any more.

Took DS out for the day, came home absolutely exhausted this evening to have a woman I'd never seen waiting for me.

She was one of the mother's of a girl that DD3 (12 year old) had brought home.

The Mum was pretty furious as she didn't know where her DD (also 12) had been all day, did I not watch over my kids?

Surely if a strange child was in my home I should have asked if their parents knew they were here?

Their were also 2 boys in the pool (12 and 15) and she went on about how inappropriate it was for them to be swimming alone with a group of girls.

I was too shocked and too tired to really say anything back, I said I knew the boys and didn't have a problem with them, apologied as I just assumed teens would ask their parent before going to a strangers house and it wouldn't happen again as I'd keep an eye out for her DD and send her straight back if I saw her again.

She seemed surprised and her DD got really upset but I just said goodbye and went inside.

I doubt her DD will ever return but if she does would it BU to just send her home and tell DD3 not to bring her around.

OP posts:
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Original poster
LauraJenson · 27/07/2016 21:46

WitTank, they're only allowed 3 friends at a time, so 99% of the time, I know the kids and their parents but DD3 knew this girl through a friend, invited the friend around and the girl tagged along.

OP posts:
Sassypants82 · 27/07/2016 21:47

I'm a it shocked that you didn't have your 12 yr old with you on your day out tbh. Who was looking after her all day? I have to agree that it's irresponsible in my opinion that she was left alone & able to invite others to join her in an unsupervised pool. Sorry.

foursillybeans · 27/07/2016 21:50

You did well to keep your cool. I would have gone ballistic at the mum. I imagine she overreacted as she was worried about her DD but not your problem.

However I agree with PPs that say that 12 is too young to be in a pool unattended. There needs to be a adult in the house whilst the pool is in use. You would never forgive yourself if a tragedy occurred.

janethegirl2 · 27/07/2016 21:54

I'd say it depends on the 12 year old. My dd at 12 was totally responsible and I could leave her with no worries, my Ds at 14 didn't get the same freedom.

Lemonlady22 · 27/07/2016 21:56

think about it.....would you leave any child at a local swimming pool without a lifeguard on duty...if the answer is no then you should leave children home alone all day with their friends unsupervised in a swimming pool....its an accident waiting to happen, and legally if anything happened to any child when you are not there you will be held responsible

Original poster
LauraJenson · 27/07/2016 21:58

This post wasn't really about the lack of supervision but I can see how it's gone that route.

My kids are very responsible, I know their capabilities/temperament etc and so I've allowed them to swim unsupervised, that isn't going to change, I understand your worries but again this post wasn't about that, so can we please get back on topic?

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 27/07/2016 22:01

But you don't know the temperament or capabilities of all of your children's friends, and if something happens to one of them because you've allowed them to use your pool unsupervised then it will be your fault.

DailyMailEthicalFail · 27/07/2016 22:04

It is entirely the responsibility of the other child and her parent to know where she is. NOT you.

However, I would want to know exactly who was in my pool, esp if some are as young as 12. I was chatting to a lovely lad of 14 today. Couldn't swim at all. By a river. Scary stuff.

If someone got into difficulties / there was a horrible accident then surely you would be legally responsible? I wouldn't want that worry.
Your kids you know. Others you don't.

WorraLiberty · 27/07/2016 22:05

This is entirely down to the mother and her child, not the OP.

Regardless of how anyone here feels about the OP's rules/lack of adult supervision, that's up to the OP and no-one else.

1.The mum should have asked her child where she was going.

2.The child should have told her mum where she was going.

  1. That was the point at which the mum should have asked her DD if there would be adult supervision at the pool.

The OP is not responsible for this mother's lack of communication with her own child.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 27/07/2016 22:06

I'm guessing this girl's mother was beside herself with worry if she had lost track of her dd for the day and (wrongly) took it out on you.
YANBU though to now send the girl home (politely) if she comes back to your house as you now know that her dm does not wish her to be there / agree with your rules.
Also imo you have been very generous sharing your pool with your dc's friends all summer. It is your pool and your rules and totally up to you to implement them as you see fit. If others disagree then that is entirely their prerogative and they don't have to let their dc use your pool (or agree with you on and internet forum!)

ChicagoBullz · 27/07/2016 22:11

This post wasn't really about the lack of supervision but I can see how it's gone that route
Well perhaps that's what the mum is actually concerned about & she said it wrong or whatever.
My kids are very sensible but I change the rules when they have friends over because I don't know how sensible they are. How do you know dds friend could swim? If she drowned it wouldn't be your fault but otoh you'd never forgive yourself

georgetteheyersbonnet · 27/07/2016 22:13

Worra but this isn't just up to the OP, because the people she's knowingly allowing to use her pool are minors. She has a legal duty of care to visitors and particularly to child visitors.

If a 12-year-old climbed over the fence without her knowledge and drowned in her pool while she was out she'd be unlikely to be prosecuted. However, if a 12-year-old drowned in her pool that she knew was begin used unsupervised by several 12-year-olds she'd be pretty likely to face criminal or civil proceedings or possibly both. (A bit less likely with 15 year olds and a lot less likely with 17-year olds; but, if an injury, death or an assault happened in her pool whilst she was knowingly letting minors use it unsupervised, she would be in a very difficult situation indeed.)

georgetteheyersbonnet · 27/07/2016 22:14

*being

WhooooAmI24601 · 27/07/2016 22:14

If you don't know where your child is, it's your problem. My 10 year old plays out often. He has a phone, I generally know where he is and he knows the rules. If he breaks them that's for him and me to work out; the onus is not on the parents whose house he might choose to visit.

She's absolutely BU. And owes you an apology. People parent differently so she has no right to judge you for allowing your DD's to behave differently to the way she parents hers. Judgy Mothers should keep their children on a shorter leash.

I do think you're going to continue to get a pasting about the supervision thing, though. AIBU is a bit of a shitter for that.

MammouthTask · 27/07/2016 22:15

I think your answer was perfect. Nothing else to say really.
The reaction of the woman actually says a lot.

As for sending the teenager back home, I think it's only appropriate as this is what you said you would do to her mum.

Last comment re swimming pool.
This is your choice. Other people can have different rules but when at your house, then your rules will prevail.
At that age, I had no issue with dc1 having some friends around when I wasn't there (him back from school, me and DH still at work). Some other parents weren't happy about it. I've said to dc1 to be very clear to his friend that I wouldn't be there and the friend needed to check with his parents first.
Similar thing would probably work well for your situation too.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 27/07/2016 22:15

Agree with Tatty.

I thought most 12 year olds these days had mobile phones? I bought my dc a phone as soon as they were out and about with friends so I could contact them if need be and check in with them if out for a long time.

gillybeanz · 27/07/2016 22:19

Our dc are always surprising us as they grow, no way should children be unattended.
Do the other parents know their dc are unsupervised. I'm pretty sure your contents or building insurance doesn't cover loss of somebody else's child's life.
I don't believe this. Grin Nobody would be daft enough.

Wallywobbles · 27/07/2016 22:20

If it's any consolation this is a really cultural issue. The British tend to leave their kids unsupervised at a much later age than in other countries. In my case I think I had kids before my stepmother left me home alone.

When I have asked my French students at what age they were left alone at home it's much younger the MNetters would be ok with.

But as to the issue my kids are responsible for their actions, so I'd be giving them hell not you. They know they aren't allowed to wander off without telling me where they are going and when roughly they'll be back. Didn't she have a phone?

BeckyMcDonald · 27/07/2016 22:21

It wouldn't be the Op's fault if something happened to someone else's 12-y-o. It would be the parent of the 12-y-o. It's OP's job to decide on the boundaries she sets for her children. If other parents feel they cannot trust their children to honour on their own and not be sensible around water then they shouldn't be letting them out alone.

goddessoftheharvest · 27/07/2016 22:21

OP's 12 year old may have been unsupervised by an adult, but she was at home with older siblings all day and OP knew where she was

The other mum hadn't a clue where her DD was and presumably no way of contacting her

I know who was being negligent here and it isn't OP

MammouthTask · 27/07/2016 22:23

georgette at that age, children are left at home wo supervision for probably 2hours on a regular basis (coming out of school until parent back home). They need to be independant enough to do so.

So they go a friend's house during that time. No other adult there (same situation).
Are you saying that if said child hurt themselves with a knife at their friend's house, it's the friend's parent fault because they are unsupervised? If they fall in the stairs? If they burn themselves with the kettle? If they drink alcohol, too much alcohol? Even though those things could happen at their own house too?

If the parent knows their child is in a pool and said pool is unsupervised (and they should know really because they should have some sort of communication with their DC about it), I would have assumed that was the parent's choice to say yes or no. Not the owner of the swimming pool to provide constant supervision (is not just in the house pilot tearing around) to avoid any accident.

Lurkedforever1 · 27/07/2016 22:24

I agree 100% with worra. It's up to other parents to police their own dc, not up to op to act as security on her garden.

If you've decided your 12yr old can go out alone then it is presumably because you trust them to make sensible decisions. You don't let your 12yr old go out on the presumption someone else will step in and supervise for you in a manner which meets your personal opinion on what is acceptable.

WorraLiberty · 27/07/2016 22:25

Worra but this isn't just up to the OP, because the people she's knowingly allowing to use her pool are minors. She has a legal duty of care to visitors and particularly to child visitors.

I'm pretty sure the 12 year old's parents are the ones legally responsible for the safety of their own child.

The OP does not have a legal duty of care towards anyone's 12 year old, if she's not on the premises.

Well that's how I understand it anyway, unless you have a link regarding legal duty?

Mycraneisfixed · 27/07/2016 22:27

YANBU. She was rude and out of order. It would be my 12yo DD I'd have had a go at if I didn't know where she was or what she was up to.

KoalaDownUnder · 27/07/2016 22:34

I agree totally with Worra, too.

The OP didn't invite the 12-year-old over to play and then leave her unsupervised.

The OP left her own teens at home unsupervised, but the oldest is seventeen. That's completely normal.

The mother of the 12-year-old didn't know where her child was all day? Her problem, which she needs to take up with her daughter, not the OP.

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