To ban her DD?

[LauraJenson]

I have 3DD, 17, 15, 12 and a DS, 5 with ASD.

We have an above ground pool in the garden that my teens and their friends have been using on a daily basis for the past 2 weeks and even though it was cloudy today, I had teens going in and out of the garden all day.

They were using the gate, so unless I entered the kitchen or looked out of the upper level windows, I couldn't see who was there or what was going on.

We have rules in place, e.g not to use the pool until it's 11 in the morning, 3 friends max each at one time and no more etc and my DDs have rarely broken them as it would mean they just can't use it any more.

Took DS out for the day, came home absolutely exhausted this evening to have a woman I'd never seen waiting for me.

She was one of the mother's of a girl that DD3 (12 year old) had brought home.

The Mum was pretty furious as she didn't know where her DD (also 12) had been all day, did I not watch over my kids?

Surely if a strange child was in my home I should have asked if their parents knew they were here?

Their were also 2 boys in the pool (12 and 15) and she went on about how inappropriate it was for them to be swimming alone with a group of girls.

I was too shocked and too tired to really say anything back, I said I knew the boys and didn't have a problem with them, apologied as I just assumed teens would ask their parent before going to a strangers house and it wouldn't happen again as I'd keep an eye out for her DD and send her straight back if I saw her again.

She seemed surprised and her DD got really upset but I just said goodbye and went inside.

I doubt her DD will ever return but if she does would it BU to just send her home and tell DD3 not to bring her around.

If she's not bonkers then she's got no manners or common sense - after turning up at someone's door like that it would be common courtesy to call or visit and explain you had been irrational and had second thoughts, could we start again...

No she's totally nuts.

I cannot believe the child came back today after the bollicking you took cheeky little one.

As a completely unsolicited aside and maybe it is the former lifeguard coming out in me but I would still be concerned about the drowning risk for the younger not particularly the older ones.

I am really not a particularily cautious person but I would not be having neighbours kids over unsupervised in a pool. Mind you we turn over the trampoline when kids come over too since ds's friend broke clean through 2 bones in her arm on one and we thought while our kids can risk themselves I would not be particularly interested in losing the house for other people's children or living with what happened to them at my house. People can and do sue if something goes wrong and while I doubt you would be prosecuted I have no doubt the potential to get sued is much higher.

The poor girl is probably mortified at her mother's rude and bonkers behaviour but I still think you did the right thing sending her home again. Hopefully her mother will learn to be civil to others who are making their homes available for her child's entertainment.

I've always thought I was quite relaxed in parenting - scoffed at the 'don't leave babies in cars' cohort, happy to leave my DC at home unsupervised since the age of 8, but I have to say even I would be a bit iffy about other people's children coming round to the house if I wasn't there and using the pool.

If I leave DC at home alone, they aren't allowed to use the trampoline. If they had guests, I would make sure the parents knew I was planning not to be there, and that they were comfortable about it. There is no way on earth I would be letting random kids round to the house playing in the pool when I wasn't there.

Having said that, the other Mum was rude, and her anger misplaced. You did the right thing sending the DD home today.

OP please keep us updated if the mum does an epic rage back track now her DD is banned

I'm not sure if I'd let my kids unsupervised in a 'large paddling pool' but there will always be other parents who have more relaxed rules. Obviously you can't know exactly what is and isn't allowed in everyone's home but it's a safe bet that a lot of people will have massive paddling pool out in this weather and won't necessarily have their garden locked off. It's up to parents to watch toddlers and make sure older children know they need to tell them where they are going and that they know whether they are allowed in a pool unsupervised (or in this case, with boys!)

I'd have no worries about a 15 year old supervising younger kids in a pool but only if I knew they were actually supervising. It sounds as through the OPs arrangements are a lot more relaxed.

Perhaps the mother is on MN and read the posts and felt silly for her crazy over-reaction. I wouldn't have let her DD back in. She may turn up again fussing about something else.

Ha, glad you sent the DD away again - that's what you said you'd do, and that's what you've done. IF she wants to come again, she'd better get her mother to phone up and apologise and ASK if it's ok for her DD to come round in future!

I'd have sent her back too.

Chances are that she was disobeying her mum in coming back and I do agree with telling the child she cannot stay. But I don't think it was cheeky (to OP) in and of itself that she showed up, although it was disobedient to her mother. It's not the child's fault her mother is was out of line with OP and she wouldn't have had any reason to know OP had decided not to allow her back. All she knew was that she (probably) got a telling off from her mum and that her mum was angry at OP.

Even if the mum apologized, I probably would maintain the ban. Unless she had a good reason for flying off the handle (really shit day, perhaps a relative who drowned, she'd been looking for DD everywhere for ages, iyswim) I don't think I'd want to have to deal with a parent who loses their shit about things like that.