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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call off the relationship/wedding?

212 replies

Calloffthewedding · 03/05/2016 22:57

Not sure if I should have posted this in relationships but here goes

Supposed to be getting married in July, my fiance has just had his stag do in Newcastle. To cut a long story short I snooped on his facebook because I knew when he got home something wasn't right.

He told me that his best man hadn't planned anything so they just went to a few pubs, but his story wasn't adding up. I ended up checking his group chat where I found a picture of him next to a semi naked stripper as he felt her tits.

I then realised that he had come straight home and had sex with me, obviously frustrated. I confronted him but not only did he lie about it, he accepted my apology for doubting his story.

It was only when I said I had seen the picture he admitted anything, to be honest the lies are worse than the fact he got a stripper. Not sure what to do now?

I've had a few wines so please be gentle Wine

OP posts:
MuttonCadet · 03/05/2016 22:59

What do you want to do?

I'd be so disappointed that I'd end the relationship, it's such a disrespectful thing to do.

OwlinaTree · 03/05/2016 23:01

Who organised the stripper? Was it one of his mates? Who posted the Facebook pic? It's unusual for a stag to get his own stripper surely?

PattiLevin · 03/05/2016 23:01

He should have owned up to it. Silly twat. Might it be something you can get past? Talk it out with him.

Sweettuth · 03/05/2016 23:02

You are right, this belongs in relationships. You'll get more support there. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
Calloffthewedding · 03/05/2016 23:05

I want to end the relationship because as you say it's disrespectful, but I'm worried about making a rash decision.

His best man arranged the stripper but again it's more the lying that bothers me which can't be put on him.

OP posts:
WriteforFun1 · 03/05/2016 23:08

The lying is one issue
But also, how do you feel about a bloke who is happy to do that kind of thing? If it's fine with you, that's fine, but I think it would creep me out.

Mummyme1987 · 03/05/2016 23:16

Listen to the warning bells. If it feels wrong then it is wrong.

CalleighDoodle · 03/05/2016 23:16

I wouldnt have an issue with a tripper at a stag do, but lying even when confronted would now have me running for the hills. I married a liar. You cannot trust a word they say. You cannot trust them to have done anything they said theyve done. It is draining.

StuckMelia · 03/05/2016 23:18

Knowing that you're not married yet and he's already lying to you, what more if you're already his wife? There's already a trust issue and if I were you I will call off the wedding.

inlovewithhubby · 03/05/2016 23:19

I think if he's an otherwise lovely bloke, which he must be for you to be engaged to him, then I'd say it's stag do high jinks which he understandably wanted to keep 'on tour'. Unless you have other concerns, I'd forget it. Lots of stags have a stripper, the photo was probably posed with some encouragement, it's his swan song to singledom. I'd be a bit upset, and cross that he lied, but I honestly don't think that stag do antics should be a dumping offence - as long as they do not include being actively unfaithful, and a tit grope from a stripper is not that in my view. But in AIBU you'll be expected to hang, draw and quarter him so do read responses with caution and don't act in haste. Hope you sort things out.

Fwaffy · 03/05/2016 23:20

I would have an issue with the stripper. It just feels so disrespectful; of you, of women in general. I'd be sickened by it.

The lying would then make it significantly worse.

I'm not sure it's something I could forgive...

Originalfoogirl · 03/05/2016 23:20

Yep, I'd be leaving. Especially as it's what you say you want to do. If it were me, I'd constantly be suspicious of him from that point on and that would only lead to trouble.

BillSykesDog · 03/05/2016 23:23

That would be a deal breaker for me. Not the fact that there was a stripper per se; I could put that down to over enthusiastic best men and silliness. It would be the feeling of the tits that would get me. Just, yuck, sleazy. No.

ToastDemon · 03/05/2016 23:26

That would be a deal-breaker for me on three counts. Firstly, paying for or participating in any paid-for sexual services, and secondly cheating by touching another woman's naked breasts. Finally, the lying.

blondieblondie · 03/05/2016 23:29

I'm inclined to agree with inlovewithhubby

I don't really have a problem with strippers for stag parties, and and although I wouldn't thank you for one for myself, I'd hope it wouldn't cause a major problem if I had one at my hen.

Is this something he knows you are against, and kept it from you to spare your feelings, bearing I mind he probably had not idea it was going to happen.

A stripper was arranged for my friends birthday and his girlfriend was very vocal about that being off limits. His friends arranged it anyway, even though she was there. She went ballistic. I have no doubt, that had she not been there and it had been a smaller event, no way on this earth would she have got to know about it.

Atthebottomofthegarden · 03/05/2016 23:31

Sleep on it. He's been a right twit and knows it. Take comfort from the fact that he is obviously a very bad liar so hopefully it is not something he does often. If however you are aware of other times he's lied to you, I'd take it a lot more seriously.

I very much doubt he had sex with you because he was frustrated. More likely he felt guilty and a bit vulnerable I'm guessing. There are easier ways to relieve frustration!

Wdigin2this · 03/05/2016 23:32

I think the fact that his BM organised a stripper, and he (very probably) drunkenly groped her is really not the end of the world....tacky and yucky yes, but it wouldn't be a deal breaker in itself for me, if he was otherwise a great guy!
But, it seems that there are trust issues here, he denied it happened, until confronted with evidence, (stupid lads, why put it on social media). Again, he would wouldn't he, but if this is not the first time you've caught him out in lies....well you'd really want to give marriage a bit more thought!

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings · 03/05/2016 23:35

Yep, deal breaker for me too - the lying part more than anything. I hate liars.

Originalfoogirl · 03/05/2016 23:36

I'm also thinking marriage might not be a good idea if snooping on his FB is the only way you'll find out what he's been up to.

TheAnswerIsYes · 03/05/2016 23:37

Ugh I couldn't marry someone like that. I would call it off and be glad that I found out what he is really like before we married and not after.

CamembertQueen · 03/05/2016 23:41

I couldn't marry someone who thought grabbing a stripper's tits was acceptable. Then again, I have strong feelings regarding the objectification of women. They lying would piss me off too. But only you know OP what your partner is like. Talk it through if you think it is something you can get past. It all depends on what you personally will stand for.

julfin · 03/05/2016 23:44

I agree with inlovewithhubby. Think about all the factors and don't rush into this big decision based just on one event which he presumably didn't organise himself.

nataliegrantham1094 · 03/05/2016 23:47

I would also get rid of him mainly for the fact of a stripper!, i couldnt cope with that, id be absolutely furious! But absolutely the lies are a warning sign too and this could end up being a lucky escape...before it happens when your already married and things get more complicated

goddessofsmallthings · 03/05/2016 23:49

It could have been worse. He could have not come home and had sex with you out of frustration, but if that had happened he would have lied about it too.

If you're happy to marry a man you can't trust, go ahead. If you want a man you can trust in the company of strippers with your life, find another guy.

notapizzaeater · 03/05/2016 23:51

If he can lie about this what else can he lie about - this would be enough to make me run