To call off the relationship/wedding?

[Calloffthewedding]

Not sure if I should have posted this in relationships but here goes

Supposed to be getting married in July, my fiance has just had his stag do in Newcastle. To cut a long story short I snooped on his facebook because I knew when he got home something wasn't right.

He told me that his best man hadn't planned anything so they just went to a few pubs, but his story wasn't adding up. I ended up checking his group chat where I found a picture of him next to a semi naked stripper as he felt her tits.

I then realised that he had come straight home and had sex with me, obviously frustrated. I confronted him but not only did he lie about it, he accepted my apology for doubting his story.

It was only when I said I had seen the picture he admitted anything, to be honest the lies are worse than the fact he got a stripper. Not sure what to do now?

I've had a few wines so please be gentle

I agree with pp that it seems so odd this notion that a stag/hen is a "last night of freedom." You are already in a committed relationship and presumably live together so I find the whole culture surrounding stag do's bizarre. "Hey this guy is making a lifelong commitment to a woman so he deserves to go have some fun getting pissed and looking at different naked women before he gets tied down." I know it's a cultural norm and people probably don't even think about it but I hate the implication that life is all downhill once you get married. As for the OP, I would be upset too. I would expect my DP to have the courtesy to say that he had been to a strip club, because we talk about our days and that would be such an obvious omission. I doubt I would leave DP if he got drunk on his stag do and touched a woman's breasts even though I would be livid. He's a great guy and if he did that I would probably still think he was a great guy but I would think it was absolutely reasonable for me to be pissed off and for him to recognise how hurtful that one-off incident was. Only you know whether you instinctively feel your DP is a great guy, OP.

If he'd gone out and pulled some random girl for a ONS I'd be saying yes, cancel the wedding, but as it was just a stripper and it doesn't appear that he did more than feel her tits I'd say think very hard before you do anything rash.

I understand why you are disgusted and feel betrayed, I would too. He was stupid, childish and disrespectful but unfortunately some men feel some sort of obligation or peer pressure to behave like a twat on their stag night - it's sort of expected in some very laddish social circles and it may well be the one and only time he has or ever will do something like that again.

The important thing is not whether or not he thinks it was harmless, but how you feel about strippers and lap dancers and whether he is prepared to accept that a condition of your marriage/relationship is that he NEVER takes part in any of that. Some women don't see it as a big deal, for others it's a total dealbreaker.

Only you know him well enough to make a judgement call on this.

There are semi naked women everywhere you cannot get upset over all of them because you are not the only woman on planet earth, he is going to see other women naked wether you like it or not.
He has obviously lied to you because he knows you would react this way. If you were not so uptight then maybe he would of told you.
He had a stripper on his stag do its not a big deal and its not everyday.

What i would be annoyed about though is the groping even if the girl allowed it that is wrong to do.

I disagree Toffee, just because a woman does not want her man being grinding on by another woman does not make her uptight.

It's a boundary he's crossed in their relationship, he knew it would hurt her and he obviously knew that as he lied. OP has every right to feel betrayed.

Just because you or someone else accepts the idea of strippers doesn't mean everyone else does or should.

I am going to out myself as a man here. I have been on several stag parties, almost all of which were dreadful. It's enforced fun; a bit like new year's eve. But much, much more embarrassing.

I am not trying to sound like an apologist for his behaviour. But it is very, unlikely he had anything to do with choosing the stripper. I mean, who organises a stripper for themselves? I don't think it is reasonable to class it as a sexual service in the same way as booking an escort, or even choosing a lap dancer for a private dance?

I remember spending an evening in a completely normal pub, when a stripper came in. She took her top off, writhed around a bit, then got this poor lad naked, whipped him on the a$$ with a leather strap then tried to stuff a Pepperami up his bum. Were it not for his "friends" who were all there cheering her on (and taking turns whipping him really hard with the strap), he'd have been off like a shot. He looked like he wanted the ground to swallow him up.

If something like that happened to me, I'd be frankly too embarrassed to admit it.

However, it sounds like you don't trust him if you're snooping on his social media. And is a marriage with so little trust something you want to start?

This whole 'It was 'just' a strippers tits he grabbed so its ok' really bothers me.

What's the difference?

Op grabbed another woman's breasts. Why is this only cheating if the person being groped isn't a stripper?

Is a stripper, male or female, not a real person? Is it just like touching up an inflatable doll?

Sad that some people would manage to compartmentalise this so well.

Do you love him OP?

Prior to his stag do has he ever given you reason to believe he has cheated on you?

Totally irrelevant, both of them. If you've been on mn long enough you will have seen literally hundreds of woman living in terrible relationships and bleating on about how much they love these men. I assume the op does love her partner or she wouldn't be marrying him, but there is more to marriage than love.

Also how many times do we see someone on here who has just discovered that their partner has another woman and the op had no idea. Sometimes the first time is the last time.

I would consider the stripper, the touching and the lying to be deal breakers. Maybe the op does too.

The stripper wouldn't bother me so much, lying about it would. I don't think it's necessarily break up worthy though unless there are other issues around trust. Just have a chat and let him know that if you're going to get married you need to trust each other which means not lying even if one of you does something stupid the other won't like.

A stripper organised by the best man would bother me but I wouldn't call a wedding off over it.

My fiance's hands on her tits would make me question what else went on that I haven't seen a photo of, and yes halt a wedding.

Like you say it is the lies. That is the deal breaker for me. Dh has been to several stag do's and only one involved going to a strip club.

Your story begins with you feeling something wasn't right and deciding to snoop on your fiancé. I've a feeling you've been anxious about committing to this man for a while. If that's the case, callofthewedding then call off the wedding.

If you trusted him you wouldn't be snooping. You don't trust him. Think very hard about whether you should marry someone you don't trust. Think very hard about what life will be like for both of you without that essential foundation. When the frock is back in its bag and the expensive party is long over the lack of trust will still be there.

I disagree acasualobserver. Just because OP had a feeling about something doesn't necessarily mean she was anxious before committing.

Perhaps she just asked her partner how his stag do was and could tell something wasn't right by his response. I can tell immediately if my partner is acting shifty of lying to me. Doesn't make me anxious, just means I know my partner rather well and can his body language.

You wanna look at the last stag do thread we had. Google it: Stag Doo in Amsterdam.

Many posters wouldn't consider a man who touched strippers to be at all marriage-material. Sorry. It just tells you the sort of woman-hating bloke he is. Men who do that kind of thing aren't fit to be around pleasant society.

No BF or DH of mine would be touching me ever again once they'd touched another woman's tits. No second chances. No excuses. Bye bye.

But they'd know this about me before we got as far as a wedding planned, so i'd be taking it as a sign they wanted out anyway.

As for you, OP, it's for you to decide. Not randoms on here.

I'd leave him. Everyone has their tolerance levels, however touching another woman's breasts in ANY context other than accidental wouldn't be acceptable. Added to that, he lied about it....

My idea of 'fun' is different to others. I couldn't think of anything worse than a male stripper and if anyone organised one at my hen night, I'd shake his hand, say thanks but no thanks and suggest he goes home and watches TV! I would never touch him... as for me, that's cheating. I'd also be upset with whoever organised it, as it showed they didn't know me well.

If you didn't have a wedding booked.... and you found this out... would you stay with him? If no, then really, the wedding makes no difference - It's just a lot of money to marry a man who lies to you and touches strippers breasts. ...

I would be furious. He celebrated your impending nuptuals by playing with another womens breasts in front of his mates, and doing god knows what else that wasn't caught on camera. Getting so horny he wants sex as soon as he gets in. It's bad enough when men go to a strip club to look at other women for titilation, having a private dance and touching are crossing a line for me. As others have said, there will be other stag do's, and some men seem to think this means they can do what they like in order to intitiate the stag. Dp went on a stag weekend in Prague, and said quite a few of the married men/men in commited relationships openly went to visit prostitutes.

Talk to him. Find out if he's done anything more than touching a stripper's knockers, like copping off with a random girl . I imagine he didn't organise for a stripper, he'll have felt peer pressure to touch her boobs when she prompted him (I've seen a male stripper and know it's part of their routine to encourage participation - not my cup of tea) and he probably lied so as not to lose you.

Not condoning any of it but reading it back it sounds like he was trying to please everybody, which is impossible.

The continued lying would be the biggest issue for me. I don't know if I'd leave or call off the wedding, but I would seriously consider it. Possibly I'd let him know that is what I was considering and tell him he has a short amount of time to start telling the complete truth and showing how sorry he is. I don't know what that would entail though! Good luck with whatever you decide.

OP this popped up on my Facebook newsfeed yesterday.... I hope it's not you..

It would be a big issue for me OP, I never understand why a stripper isn't seen as so bad because she's paid. I don't see it as any different than touching any woman, just because she's paid doesn't make it any better in my opinion, I think it's extremely disrespectful and I would probably end the relationship but that's just how feel. The lying on top of that however would mean I would definitely be ending it

For me the best part of a committed relationship is that we are open and talk about everything. Unlike many on mumsnet I could live with my other half touching the stripper in that stag night context.
What I would not like is that he didn't tell me about the night and when pushed denied there had been anything organised and only admitted it when confronted that there were pictures in existence.
I don't know what conversations you have as a couple or whether you have discussed your expectations of what being in a marriage means but it's not too late to be that now. Call off the wedding until you have really worked out if you 2 are really compatible...

OP has gone....

The stripper would annoy me, because it's pathetic, but not a deal breaker.

Him touching up another woman is.
Him lying is.
I bet he hasn't admitted to doing anything you didn't already know about. What you need to decide is, do you believe him? Do you think this is the first time he has lied to you? Do you think this will be the last time he lies? Do you want to marry a liar?

Hi, a lot of questions but I'll try and answer them all.

The stripper is pathetic but I don't think it's a deal breaker. They're early twenties and he's the first of his group to get engaged so I knew something like that would be planned to surprise him.

It's the fact that the first chance he got he had his hands all over another woman and I've seen the evidence which makes me feel sick. He never even fucking washed in between groping her and having sex with me! How much more disrespectful can you get?? I feel stupid and sick.

I don't think he would have done anything worse like sleeping with her but if he did he would never admit it.

Yes he does have form for lying but never this bad before. He is a shit liar and I'm not a fucking idiot so I don't know why he's not learned his lesson. He told me that they went down there and didn't do anything apart from go to a few pubs and 'maybe a club'. As if that's even believable ffs!

I don't think I set him up to fail. He chose to lie and continue lying to me about it.

My friend suggested a counsellor but I think that if I'm at the stage of needing therapy a few weeks before the wedding it's probably not a great idea to go through with it. What kind of relationship are we going to have if he's not 'allowed' to go on any stag dos or nights away?

Currently at work and have asked to leave early as I've got a headache and need time to think. Can't believe he's done this to us

You could postpone the wedding. See how he behaves and if he's truly sorry or jut sorry he got caught..