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Original poster

To call off the relationship/wedding?

212 replies

Calloffthewedding · 03/05/2016 22:57

Not sure if I should have posted this in relationships but here goes

Supposed to be getting married in July, my fiance has just had his stag do in Newcastle. To cut a long story short I snooped on his facebook because I knew when he got home something wasn't right.

He told me that his best man hadn't planned anything so they just went to a few pubs, but his story wasn't adding up. I ended up checking his group chat where I found a picture of him next to a semi naked stripper as he felt her tits.

I then realised that he had come straight home and had sex with me, obviously frustrated. I confronted him but not only did he lie about it, he accepted my apology for doubting his story.

It was only when I said I had seen the picture he admitted anything, to be honest the lies are worse than the fact he got a stripper. Not sure what to do now?

I've had a few wines so please be gentle Wine

OP posts:
LeaLeander · 04/05/2016 22:24

These points both are worth pondering:

If he wants drunken debauchery surely he should be single?

Then the next time he feels like a bit of extra marital groping, he knows he just has to take a bit of punishment then all is back to manpleasing normality

Original poster
Calloffthewedding · 04/05/2016 23:06

Talked to him tonight. He told me that he lied because he was worried about my reaction but admitted if he told me that the boys got him a surprise stripper he knew I wouldn't call off the wedding, so basically he couldn't be arsed with the hassle of dealing with what he assumed my reaction would be Hmm

Told him that I would have probably been a bit annoyed but got over it obviously and wouldn't have felt the need to go looking for 'evidence', but that also I could get past the picture too because I don't honestly believe he's cheated on me.

But I still don't know if I can get past the lies. I feel sick about it all. He did seem genuinely sorry but at the end of the day was happy to come home and have sex with me then accept my apology for not believing him. Not a nice feeling.

Told my DM today, wish I hadn't bothered. It's fine cos it's his stag do and my DF could be having affairs but she doesn't know because she doesn't ask him, so in future turn a blind eye or just accept whatever comes out his mouth as the truth? I can't judge him because I will probably lie to him in the future as 'everybody lies' Hmm and that I might have a ONS and lie about it?! Oh and my DF will flip if I call off the wedding because of all the money that's been spent.

Then received a text from my dad saying that I'm to call him to have a chat about the 'male psyche'. I mean honestly!

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 04/05/2016 23:10

If my partner did this to me then it would be cheating and it would be over.

He would have been sexually groping another woman and just because she was being paid for it doesn't make it any different from if he was groping some other woman he happened to fancy.

I would never get the image of him touching another woman's naked breasts out of my mind.

So tacky.

HelenaDove · 04/05/2016 23:20

If your dad is already using phrases like "male psyche" i strongly suspect that the little chat he has is going to be all about how this is how all men behave and as a woman you should just suck it up.

I bet your dad has certain special names about women if they happen to behave in a similar way and holds women to a higher standard.

And how the fuck does your mother know you may have an ONS in the future. They sound like money obsessed misogynists. Money and saving face more important than their daughters happiness. Disgusting.

Original poster
Calloffthewedding · 04/05/2016 23:25

Writer I totally agree that it's tacky, disrespectful and immature but it's clear from the picture that there was no sexual intent, it was a group picture so obviously meant to be a 'hilarious' joke

I get that he just went along with it at the time and tbh I do think he's learned his lesson after this re the lying but I just don't know if I can move past it all in the next 2 months! Surely it's quite a basic thing to know that it's not acceptable to lie??

OP posts:
Xenadog · 04/05/2016 23:28

OP, you say that he is in his twenties and the first of his friends to get married so I am assuming you're of the same age. This makes me ask why saddle yourself with a lying, cheating idiot of a bloke when there are so many lovely men out there and you have a whole lifetime to find them?

Your parents' responses seem really odd too. I would be telling my daughter that only a man who was going to treat her an an equal, fully respect her and love her enough to stand up to his twatty mates was good enough for her to marry.

I have an ex who went to two strip clubs due to his boss pressurising him into it (he says). I don't know what happened but my opinion of him changed immediately and I would never have trusted him again. I don't regret letting that man go as I feel I am worth better than that

fortheloveofvintage · 04/05/2016 23:44

I think I'm in the minority here but think that calling off your wedding is a massive over reaction.

Yes he was a bit silly and he shouldn't have lied but maybe he panicked because he knew it would upset you? Yes, technically if he knew it would upset you he shouldn't have done it in the first place but realistically, how many men whilst away with 'the guys'. Drinking and having fun, would immediately leave the building if confronted with a stripper that has been 'arranged' for him? If you think your husband would then I think many of you are deluded.

It's a stag do, strippers happen, typical drunken Ladish behaviour happens. If he didn't have sexual contact with this woman I can't see how it would be classed as cheating at all tbh.

And yes, my husband was been to a few stag dos and told me about the strip clubs. It has never even occurred to me to be mad?!

LeaLeander · 05/05/2016 00:01

If she were 40-plus and desperate calling off the wedding might be OTT.

She's young, intelligent and need not settle for an immature manipulative liar.

Cutecat78 · 05/05/2016 00:05

What inlovewithhubby said - totally.

Jeez the guy behaved like a bit of a wanker on his stag do - he won't be the first or the last.

He realised he'd been a bit of a dick and lied.

If you are thinking him of dumping him over this then I don't give your marriage 5 minutes - you will have a lot bigger hills to climb than this.

I realise my view will be an unpopular one here Grin

Nocabbageinmyeye · 05/05/2016 00:18

It's the accepting the apology bit that would annoy me most to be honest, that would have really pissed me off

HelenaDove · 05/05/2016 00:20

Lealandar thats misogynistic. A 40 + single man would never be described as desperate. Im nearly 43 and if i had a fiance who had just done this to me i would call it off.

Its about respect.

Why the fuck are women described as desperate to be married when its women who are still getting the shitty end of the stick when it comes to marriage re. childcare housework and being expected to put up with stuff like this.

HelenaDove · 05/05/2016 00:23

Yes she very likely will have bigger hills to climb if she marries this twunt. Hmm possibly in the shape of an OW

katsopolis · 05/05/2016 00:44

OP- did you see the screenshot on page 3 from twitter about a Sarah and Graham? Is that you and your DP?

katsopolis · 05/05/2016 00:47

For what its worth OP- a stripper wouldn't bother me, but the lying would.

I don't really don't understand why your with someone you don't trust.

AyeAmarok · 05/05/2016 01:11

OP- did you see the screenshot on page 3 from twitter about a Sarah and Graham? Is that you and your DP?

For God's sake, that could be anyone. Stop trying to stick the knife in more and whip up more drama.

OP, that's a shitty way for your parents to react, but not hugely surprising for that generation.

homeiswheretheginis · 05/05/2016 01:22

I would postpone the wedding. Well, actually, that's not true - I'd dump him immediately (I've been in that situation and didn't act and later regretted it). But at the very least you need to postpone the wedding. It sounds like you're unsure what your own boundaries are - take some time and decide what you think is acceptable and then talk it over with him. But in my very subjective experience, once a liar, always a liar...

Marilynsbigsister · 05/05/2016 01:31

Unbelievable hysteria about groping tits of someone who is employed to flirt and jiggle her tits . It cannot be even remotely regarded as cheating . It is a commercial transaction. Ask yourself this. Was the stripper there having her tits groped because of their mutual desire for one another (that's cheating) OR because she was being paid ? Take the money out of the situation (not even your fiancées money but his friends) ...would she have been there ? Obviously not. Therefore it's just a stupid tradition that he didn't even know about until it was done.

He lied because he knew you would kick off about it.

That said. If you are seriously considering calling off your wedding because he behaved like a 'stag' on a 'stag do' then it sounds to me like you do not have the sort of feelings for him that you should have for someone you are intending to marry.

HelenaDove · 05/05/2016 01:33

BULLSHIT Marilyn Utter BULLSHIT

katsopolis · 05/05/2016 01:45

What the fuck. How am I trying to cause drama by pointing out a post? That's the biggest pile of bullshit i've heard in my life.

get a grip

HelenaDove · 05/05/2016 01:48

YY Kats IF that screenshot is related to this thread then it sounds like more than groping may have happened and the knowledge may alert the OP to a potential STI

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings · 05/05/2016 01:55

Someone should tell Marilyn's partner they have a free pass to do what they want with lap dancers, strippers and prostitutes etc. After all paying to fuck someone isn't cheating, you can't be cross that they've found a prostitute, paid her for sex and then come home to you and laid in your bed etc etc Hmm

AyeAmarok · 05/05/2016 02:35

Marilyn's partner probably already knows that Does as Marilyn is a fully paid up member of the You Owe Your Pestering Husband Sex Even When You Don't Want It And Are Still Recovering From Childbirth/Breastfeeding, And If You Don't Then He's Entitled To Cheat On You And It's Your Fault brigade.

And IIRC 3 weeks without sex was beyond the limit of reasonable expectations.

So probably not the place for the OP or anyone who wants to have a healthy and mutually caring and respectful relationship to take advice.

Baconyum · 05/05/2016 02:47

Lealander if anything as a 40+ woman I'm less likely to put up with this kinda shit not more! And what the fuck is with saying older women should tolerate more?

Op personally I'm quite open minded so the stripper wouldn't bother me (the lack of hygiene would!) But the lying definitely would and I'd be at least postponing on that basis.

As for your parents wtf! Surely your heart comes before their pride/money! I'd cancel the wedding to spite them frankly!

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings · 05/05/2016 02:55

AyeAmarok - oh lovely! I haven't encountered that poster before thank fuck so I wasn't aware! Imagine being old, sitting there reflecting on your life and that's how you lived it. Sad eh?

OzzieFem · 05/05/2016 06:41

he knew I wouldn't call off the wedding, so basically he couldn't be arsed with the hassle of dealing with what he assumed my reaction would be

I believe that ^^ says it all. He doesn't give a shit about your feelings.