To call off the relationship/wedding?

[Calloffthewedding]

Not sure if I should have posted this in relationships but here goes

Supposed to be getting married in July, my fiance has just had his stag do in Newcastle. To cut a long story short I snooped on his facebook because I knew when he got home something wasn't right.

He told me that his best man hadn't planned anything so they just went to a few pubs, but his story wasn't adding up. I ended up checking his group chat where I found a picture of him next to a semi naked stripper as he felt her tits.

I then realised that he had come straight home and had sex with me, obviously frustrated. I confronted him but not only did he lie about it, he accepted my apology for doubting his story.

It was only when I said I had seen the picture he admitted anything, to be honest the lies are worse than the fact he got a stripper. Not sure what to do now?

I've had a few wines so please be gentle

Why would you marry someone who has form for lying to you? You are just setting yourself up for a lifetime of this behaviour and pnce you have children to consider it will be much harder.

Think of it this way, would you advise your daughter to marry someone like this man, who gropes stripper's tits and humiliates you on fb and lies to your face. Or would you tell her to get out now, while she still can do so relatively easily?

I'm a big believer of what goes on in a stag do stays on a stag do (with the obvious exception of actual sex). I don't know what DH did. I don't care. I trust him.
You DP may feel embarrassed about the way he behaved (probably while drunk) and didn't want you to think less of him
Look at it this way - you have a man who has chosen to stay faithful by coming home to you.

I don't mean to be rude, Wyldfyre, but that is setting the bar unbelievably low.
I don't really think it counts as staying faithful if a man comes home and uses your body as a release after having foreplay by touching and fondling the breasts of another woman.

I thought he had changed, the last lying incident was a couple of years ago and it was never over anything major like this.

Wyld, he came home and shagged me after feeling a strippers tits and lying to me. I feel taken advantage of

Although he crossed a line groping her I could maybe get past that if he had been honest about everything else. I honestly don't know what to think or do.

An immature, weasely liar in his early 20s does not sound like much of a catch. If you have to snoop now do you really think trust and respect will improve? Unlikely.

What's the rush to get married, OP? Most of the endless tales of woe here and elsewhere can be traced back to premature/ill-advised relationship and childbearing choices. Wouldn't you rather have the momentary chagrin of a called-off wedding than waste years on a lying, untrustworthy and frankly gross-sounding boy-man?

Stripper I could sort of forgive under those circumstances.
Possibly even the lying if he knew you would go ballistic.

But the deal breaker for me would be
Yes he does have form for lying but never this bad before

Get out now rather than after a wedding. A one off lie I could get past, but no more.

Toast he claims that having sex with me was nothing to do with her, to be honest I have a better body and face (sorry if it's poor taste to say that) so I doubt he was wishing he was with her, but I guess I'll never know.

You shouldn't be in a position where you are needing to make those comparisons though
I feel for you, he's put you in a hell of a situation here.

Yuck.......
No way do I think you should be marrying him op. As for having counselling before you marry , no bloody way is that a good omen let alone a way to start wedded life!

If he'd been honest about it, I could get past the groping. Peer pressure can be horrible, and they'd tell him they got the stripper for him - he might have felt he didn't have a choice.

The lying however is not on.

I still think at the very least you should consider postponing.

He didn't just lie, he gaslighted you for raising your suspicions at the time.

Not the key issue, but if you do go through with the wedding on the scheduled date this might well negatively affect your enjoyment of the day, eg the stag guests will be there and will know what happened, might talk about it etc.

A stripper at a stag do is crappy but not a massive deal breaker.

BUT lying about it, lying again when you confronted him and turning it onto you so you apologise for doubting him?? He's a manipulative liar. Do you want to spend your life with someone who doesn't respect you enough to tell you the truth?

Another one here who would be absolutely unbothered about a stripper at the stag do and would be but OK with the grope in this context (as in, he'd get a ribbing but it would never cross my mind to leave because of it). I could also, I think, get to be ok with the lying if on being outed, he apologised immediately and genuinely and then came home with a fabulous gift the next day. Again, I don't think I'd think of leaving him in that situation - I would just make it extremely clear that lying to me is a shit idea.

But those are my boundaries, not yours, and they come in the context of my relationship, not yours; yours is obviously already affected by previous damaging lies. You felt the need to snoop - doesn't bode well for the relationship whether justified or not. And then you set him up to fail by testing whether he would lie or not (instead of just confronting him with the picture which was bothering you) - again, doesn't speak to trust.

I think you need to do some thinking

Its cheating Money changing hands does not move those goalposts . Im sorry you are going through this OP.

Im also not liking the dehumanizing of the stripper going on on this thread. The its "only a stripper" thing.

The lying would be it for me, too. The stripper not so much.

The thing about that lie is that you never know if you can trust him with something again. Don't make a rash decision right this second, but take a couple of days to really think about whether you want to be in this relationship. Also talk with him about this and tell him where you stand.

YABU, Its a stripper on a stag do! Why should there be anything to question? It sounds like it was just entertainment and drunken debauchery with friends. To be honest I don't reckon you will leave him as you sound extremely insecure and this is just a good opportunity to get some attention and be paranoid.

Perhaps a spa day would make you feel better ?

Or a nice expensive gift ?

Because money changing hands either to the sex worker or to you makes it all OK ?

Well TrueBlue like i said upthread if the OPs partner wants the kind of relationship where he gets to do these things then that would mean the OP gets to do them too.

And you sound like a bit of a gaslighter The OP wasnt looking for attention. Her partner was. He was the one groping a strippers breasts in public. Ergo HE was receiving attention from the stripper and the others who were present.

And you say the OP was the one looking for attention. I would say Nice Try but your post doesnt even deserve that because its so monumentally stupid.

hear hear, Helena

I find it a bit baffling that people wouldn't mind about a stripper, even to the point of their partner touching their breasts, but would presumably feel a line had been crossed if their partner fondled the naked breasts of a colleague or friend.
It's almost as if they don't see strippers as actual human beings or something.

Indeed. Not real women.

I would end it if it was me.

I wouldn't marry someone who cheated on me or crossed a massive boundary.

I don't care if she is a stranger in the pub or got paid for it, grab someone else's breasts and you have cheated on me. Exchanging money doesn't make it better. It being a stag night doesn't make it better. If you are the type of person to feel up someone else's breasts then you aren't the man for me.

It always amazes me as well Toast that so many people think it isn't that bad if it's a stripper, they are somehow different than a colleague or random person at a bar.

op

It's not that the stripper is any less than another woman. It's just that I can see how there is a difference between approaching a stranger in the bar and a woman voluntarily getting naked next to you and encouraging the groping.

A fairly obvious difference to me.