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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To call off the relationship/wedding?

212 replies

Calloffthewedding · 03/05/2016 22:57

Not sure if I should have posted this in relationships but here goes

Supposed to be getting married in July, my fiance has just had his stag do in Newcastle. To cut a long story short I snooped on his facebook because I knew when he got home something wasn't right.

He told me that his best man hadn't planned anything so they just went to a few pubs, but his story wasn't adding up. I ended up checking his group chat where I found a picture of him next to a semi naked stripper as he felt her tits.

I then realised that he had come straight home and had sex with me, obviously frustrated. I confronted him but not only did he lie about it, he accepted my apology for doubting his story.

It was only when I said I had seen the picture he admitted anything, to be honest the lies are worse than the fact he got a stripper. Not sure what to do now?

I've had a few wines so please be gentle

OP posts:

HelenaDove · 04/05/2016 00:06

OP Try this and watch his reaction.

"Oh darling i didnt know you wanted an open relationship Why didnt you say?

Then after letting him splutter and stew on this for a bit because he will realiize that this will obviously mean you get to indulge too. ..........

then LTB

AdjustableWench · 04/05/2016 00:07

If it were me, I would call of the wedding. But I'm not you. I think it depends on how you feel about the objectification of women. And lying. I couldn't forgive it. But maybe you can?

GiraffesCantDoMentalArithmetic · 04/05/2016 00:18

I had a stripper at my hen party. It was a surprise to me (my MIL booked it!!!!!!). As part of the act I 'had to' grope his bum. Yes, I could have refused but I'd have looked like a right party pooper in front of all my friends and future MIL, everyone would have felt uncomfortable and the night would have been ruined.

There were no photos (pre mobile phone cameras thank goodness).

However, I didn't lie about it (not much point with MIL there...) I might have done though, to spare DH's feelings. I would have considered it a white lie. I don't feel at all guilty over the incident.

This all makes me sound like a terrible person, but we've been happily married for nearly 12 years with no serious incidents of any sort.

I just wanted to put across an alternative view point. If you feel uncomfortable for other reasons, this may of course be the last straw. But then I think you'd be leaving him for bigger overall issues than a stag party incident. If your gut is saying leave, I think you're probably keying into instincts about a bigger problem in your relationship.

Have you got time for counselling before you have to make the call either way?

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 04/05/2016 00:18

Did your DH know strippers were a deal breaker for you? The lying about it is bad enough, but if he knew you would be upset by it and went along with it anyway I'd say you should consider LTB. As hard and awful as that may seem when you are just a few weeks away from your wedding day - so sorry OP, what a wanker.

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 04/05/2016 00:22

giraffes I see what you mean but that's quite a different situation - Your MIL was there, so there wasn't exactly a sexy / unfaithful element to the bum squeeze. Touching naked tits and then coming home all riled up = different kettle of fish

SoThatHappened · 04/05/2016 00:23

It is the lying that would get me.

Liars never really stop do they?

Trojanhorsebox · 04/05/2016 00:37

If his friend arranged the stripper without him knowing and he just went along with it as part of the group, that's one thing, and you may or may not be OK with that, some people on here clearly are. I wouldn't be.

Is that all that happened? And do you know that or are you having to take his word for it - the word of someone who lied about the first part until confronted with the evidence? Will you trust him next time he goes out with his friends? Will you feel you need to keep checking up on him? Does he have form for lying? Are you now wondering about some of his explanations in the past that you just accepted at the time?

It's the lying that's the issue and whether you feel you will be able to trust him again. So sorry.

RedToothBrush · 04/05/2016 00:37

If your snooping and he's lying then the trust in your relationship is non-existent.

Forget the rest of it.

That is what makes a marriage work. If you are missing that, its not the right relationship.

mummyto2monkeys · 04/05/2016 00:39

(Firstly I have not read all the replies)

Do you love him OP?

Prior to his stag do has he ever given you reason to believe he has cheated on you?

I had similar after my husband's stag do, although it involved him being whipped by a lap dancer, in the presence of my brothers and Father. (I will say that he himself told me everything that had happened voluntarily) I remember the surge of jealousy that ran through me and anger. But it faded, I realised it was stag do hi jinks. I have been married ten years and I honestly couldn't have a more loving, loyal and faithful husband. We now have two beautiful children together.

I would want to know exactly what happened on the stag do. If touching her breasts were as far as it went then I would ask, if it really is enough to cancel out the love you have for your partner and the future that you have planned together.

Ask for the truth, if your fiance did cheat, get out now. The last thing to do is start your married life based on deception. If you are strongly feeling that this is too much and you want out then I'm thinking that there must be more in the background. Other doubts, worries or niggles that have been eating away at you.

I imagine that if your fiance has cheated, that he may actually be looking for a way out of your relationship. In what way has he been different since his return ?

Postchildrenpregranny · 04/05/2016 00:45

Isn't the whole point of stag dos to 'celebrate' the groom's 'last night of freedom' ? though. And don't a group of silly, probably very drunk (young?) men do things they wouldn't normally dream of doing and feel highly embarrassed about after-to the extent of lying about it because they know their bride-to -be would disapprove ? I'm not condoning stripers or groping ( I find the whole idea of a stag do of this nature repugnant -totally alien to my generation ). But I think you may be over-reacting slightly OP . Unless of course you already have trust issues ..

HelenaDove · 04/05/2016 00:46

mummy2two this event on its own could well be more than enough for a lot of people.

HelenaDove · 04/05/2016 00:49

PostChildren but its NOT the grooms last night of freedom is it? Because married men go to others stag dos

And i wouldnt want to be with someone who saw marriage to me as a prison.

And its women who have less "freedom" after marriage not men. Because women are still doing the bulk of childcare and housework.

wheresthel1ght · 04/05/2016 00:55

It sounds to me like you were looking to find something. Why else would you snoop?

I don't actually think he has done anything really wrong here. He was probably trying to protect your feelings or had forgotten as he had been drinking.

What is more concerning is that you invaded his privacy and then deliberately set him up to fail. Why did you do that? If I was him I am afraid that breech of privacy and lack of trust would be the killer not a stupid lie about a stripper. Yabvu

HelenaDove · 04/05/2016 00:56

MRA alert.

LouBlue1507 · 04/05/2016 01:05

IMO YANBU

I don't know about you, but me and my partner have discussed how we feel about strippers, stage/hen do's etc as we expect to get married one day (still waiting... Haha...)

We've agreed no strippers as we find it disrespectful to each other and it would genuinely break my heart. So if I found out what you had I would be seriously reconsidering the relationship. Even if someone else has organised it, it's easy enough to say no. I know I would rather be a kill joy than risk upsetting the man I love.

The lying about it is just as bad if not worse! I can't abide liars!

I hope you're okay OP and that you decided what to do x

Postchildrenpregranny · 04/05/2016 01:12

Exactly Helena which is why the idea of a stag do( or indeed a hen do) is ludicrous, and so old fashioned .

Sweettuth · 04/05/2016 01:29

Bloody hell giraffes how's your relationship with mil since being married? I would have died of embarrassment and wondered if she was being a bitch and testing me if that happened to me

FuriousFate · 04/05/2016 02:47

In my book, he did cheat. Touching another woman like that, stag or not, crosses a line. It would be the end for me.

Andylion · 04/05/2016 02:57

As part of the act I 'had to' grope his bum. Yes, I could have refused but I'd have looked like a right party pooper in front of all my friends and future MIL, everyone would have felt uncomfortable and the night would have been ruined.

No, Giraffes, you did not have to grope him. I'd have insisted your MiL do the groping if she had hired him,

goddessofsmallthings · 04/05/2016 03:35

I second Andylion, Giraffes. Your MIL hired the bum and you would have been perfectly within your rights to tell her to grope it - perhaps she was secretly hoping you'd pass the baton honours to her.

Helena makes a good point, OP. It's probable that his own stag night won't be the last he'll attend and one or more of these occasions may involve a weekend, or longer, away with the next poor lamb who's about to be led to the slaughter altar.

Will you feel confident that he'll tell you the truth on his return,or will you automatically assume he's lying if he claims that it was all good clean harmless fun?

I see the hoary old chestnut of selective amnesia caused by the demon drink has appeared on this thread but, no matter how many times it's put on the rinse and repeat cycle, it's as unlikely to wash here as you having deliberately set your fiance up to fail.

sykadelic · 04/05/2016 03:50

The lying would bother me, but "groping her t*ts" would be my biggest issue. He may have had no choice re the stripper (but you can't trust now whether he requested it or it was forced upon him) but he DID have a choice whether to grope another woman (stripper or not).

At the very least I would need some time apart to decide whether him "cheating" (because, again, stripper or not he touched another woman in a sexual manner) was a deal breaker for me.

I then realised that he had come straight home and had sex with me, obviously frustrated.

I don't get the "well at least he comes home to me" sentiment that some women have (not necessarily you) so having sex with me as a way to alleviate the sexual tension of groping another woman would really really bother me.

He lied, he cheated, he continued to lie. Your trust is gone. Whether you think you can get over that is a personal choice.

sykadelic · 04/05/2016 03:53

p.s. A stag/hen do is NOT a "last night of freedom" and any groom/bride that feels that way isn't in a committed relationship.

My DH's "last night of freedom" was the night before he asked me out oh so many moons ago. If he thought any less than that (or I did) then we wouldn't have got married.

blueturtle6 · 04/05/2016 04:17

Did he not tell you because he knew your reaction and was saving the grief. If only on stag do then I let it go. Yes agree it is tacky and makes women feel objectified/used/second best..but i think most men see it differently. Hope you are ok, OP I think you need a clear head and long chat with DP.

MistressDeeCee · 04/05/2016 04:28

I've been to see male strippers and had a good laugh and bit of a grope, it was a fun night out. Doesnt mean I don't love my OP.

But if you had to snoop on him after his stag night OP then you didn't trust him anyway even before this incident, so including all this you shouldn't be marrying him. You also didnt come straight out and say you'd been snooping and thus seen the pics. Then again he also lied. I don't think the 2 of you sound compatible

toopeoply · 04/05/2016 04:40

I'd be really really disappointed in my dp if he did this. If he didn't think he'd done something wrong he wouldn't have lied. I wouldn't forgive that. He's ruined a really special exciting time for you both.

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