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Original poster

To call off the relationship/wedding?

212 replies

Calloffthewedding · 03/05/2016 22:57

Not sure if I should have posted this in relationships but here goes

Supposed to be getting married in July, my fiance has just had his stag do in Newcastle. To cut a long story short I snooped on his facebook because I knew when he got home something wasn't right.

He told me that his best man hadn't planned anything so they just went to a few pubs, but his story wasn't adding up. I ended up checking his group chat where I found a picture of him next to a semi naked stripper as he felt her tits.

I then realised that he had come straight home and had sex with me, obviously frustrated. I confronted him but not only did he lie about it, he accepted my apology for doubting his story.

It was only when I said I had seen the picture he admitted anything, to be honest the lies are worse than the fact he got a stripper. Not sure what to do now?

I've had a few wines so please be gentle Wine

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 04/05/2016 19:45

He could have said no Magrats

YonicTrowel · 04/05/2016 19:57

"I find it a bit baffling that people wouldn't mind about a stripper, even to the point of their partner touching their breasts, but would presumably feel a line had been crossed if their partner fondled the naked breasts of a colleague or friend.
It's almost as if they don't see strippers as actual human beings or something."

This.

magratsflyawayhair · 04/05/2016 20:00

He could've I agree. But I can equally see how when you're drunk and your mates are egging you on you might be an idiot. I'm not saying I'd dismiss it as normal and totally fine but I equally I wouldn't leap to a break up scenario just for that.

YonicTrowel · 04/05/2016 20:06

What else would that apply to, magrats? What if his mates egged him on to take drugs? Drink drive? Harass women at the bar?

horseygeorgie · 04/05/2016 20:13

My EXH did this, almost exactly. The one thing I asked of him on his stag was that he didn't have a lap dance. I later found out that he did. He was a liar and went on to prove how big of a liar he was by having an affair with my bridesmaid and his best friends Fiancee. (same woman!)

magratsflyawayhair · 04/05/2016 20:16

Well drunk driving, harassing women and taking drugs could either harm him or others directly. So that's different again.

Taking the incident in isolation I wouldn't assume I needed to leave him. There may be more to it. That could change things. Having a stripper isn't my idea of fun but these things happen and I personally couldn't get too het up over a one time balls up if everything else was fine.

AnyFucker · 04/05/2016 20:20

I suppose you wouldn't blame your husband then, mag, if a female colleague made it clear that a feel of her tits was on the table ? Stuff happens st drunken Xmas parties, I have heard

He got talking to a woman in a pub who was up for a no strings knee tremble in the car park ?

All hunky dory, yeah. Just a one time balls up.

AyeAmarok · 04/05/2016 20:22

I remember spending an evening in a completely normal pub, when a stripper came in. She took her top off, writhed around a bit, then got this poor lad naked, whipped him on the a$$ with a leather strap then tried to stuff a Pepperami up his bum.

Oh. My. God. I cannot believe this happened! In a pub. With other people? I despair at the world sometimes.

magratsflyawayhair · 04/05/2016 20:23

AF you obviously have your own issues with all this. Which is fine. But drunk, on a stag do, being a twat and squeezing a strippers boobs what not be a dump able offence for me. You are getting a bit hysterical and all your alternatives are subtly different but different nonetheless.

I'd rather be pragmatic and a bit liberal about this stuff, it makes life much nicer.

gingerbreadmanm · 04/05/2016 20:25

Urgh. I would not like this at all.

But i can see why it happened and why he wouldn't tell you about it.

I don't know if that makes him a liar or not? People lie all the time for what they think is a good reason. It's not always the end of the world.

The boys probably thought it would be a laugh they're only eatly twenties. Still young.

I'd like to think my dp wouldn't do this because he had morals and out of respect for me, i'd like to think i would refuse in front of all my friends but steaming drunk and with them all encouraging you? I'm not saying it's right but it's easy to see how it happened.

On a side note - whats that facebook post all about?

AnyFucker · 04/05/2016 20:26

Nah, it makes you a man pleaser

Each to their own

YonicTrowel · 04/05/2016 20:27

Ah, hysterical. .HOUSE!

AF's example was much closer than mine. What is the difference between him groping a colleague who is egging him on to do so, and a stripper?

Do please clarify, thanks.

BeckyMcDonald · 04/05/2016 20:33

There is no context in which it would be OK for my husband to grope another woman's naked breasts.

It's not 'difficult to say no'.

Friends: Wahhhhheeeeyy we've booked a stripper."

Groom: "No thanks."

Friends: "Oh you're under the thumb already. It's your last night of freedom. It's not really cheating."

Groom: "No thanks."

Friends: " Oh come on, we've booked her now. She's well up for it....."

Groom: "No thanks."

If he can't say no to his friends in a situation that is going to put his relationship with his fiancée at serious risk, then he just doesn't give enough of a shit and he's too emotionally immature to get married. If he thinks what he's done is ok then would ge be ok with coming home to find you groping another man's dick? I guess he'd say that's different.

I'd have been out of the door at first sight of the pictures.

DMjournosrscum · 04/05/2016 20:46

I thought strippers/lap dancers were almost a cliched obligation at stag dos. He was prob slaughtered at that point. Given your reaction to it can understand why he kept quiet. I suspect that there are other things here that are leading to the cold feet. Why snoop through his Facebook? Do you not trust him? I'd probably suggest calling it off not because of what he did but because you don't seem to trust him and can't get over silly mistakes and not once in your post do you mention how much you love him (I assume you have no children at this point)

YonicTrowel · 04/05/2016 20:48

" Why snoop through his Facebook? Do you not trust him?"

Well, since he lied to her, y'know...

YonicTrowel · 04/05/2016 20:51

Also, most people are friends with their partners on FB - it's not clear that OP did anything other than look through his FB page. Yes, she said snooping but FB is a pretty public forum!

LobsterQuadrille · 04/05/2016 21:12

Complete deal breaker for me and I'm more than a little surprised that anyone thinks that because a woman is a stripper that makes her somehow outside the conventional rules of cheating. So it's a stag do. So he's drunk. As a PP said, what's the difference from a colleague at an alcohol fuelled Christmas party making it clear that she's interested in him?

magratsflyawayhair · 04/05/2016 21:18

No it doesn't AnyFucker. It makes me someone who is willing to accept that human beings make mistakes. But you keep on being offensive there. I can't be bothered continuing a conversation with someone who is being intentionally obtuse.

sepa · 04/05/2016 21:23

The lying is the issue not the stripper.
Do you want to marry him as I'm not sure I would end a good relationship about something that happened on his stag don

CantAffordtoLive · 04/05/2016 21:37

Well I would at least be postponing the wedding. I would not be happy if my fiance did that at all. And to lie to me about it is a pretty bad thing to do. It shows a total lack of respect and it shows that he would be prepared to lie about anything, What basis is that for a marriage?

Yes, people make mistakes, its how they deal with them that shows character. You don't lie to someone you love, you care about, you respect. You just don't.

Magrats, I failed to see where AF has been offensive. Possibly her morals are threatening to you?

LeaLeander · 04/05/2016 21:42

Which is fine. But drunk, on a stag do, being a twat and squeezing a strippers boobs what not be a dump able offence for me.

Ugh. Then there are those of us who select men in the first place who are a little beyond drunken stag parties, strippers and the like. That's what would get me about this scenario - that he turned out to be such a conformist, easily peer-pressured little boy and could so easily be led (or want to be in) a seamy, grimy situation like that. It's not the breasts, so much as the juvenile, unoriginal and insensitive little person that the groping of the breasts reveals.

MeadowHay · 04/05/2016 21:48

I think worse than his stripper antics, and even worse that he lied about them to you, is the fact that he even went on to make you apologise for "doubting his story", putting the onus onto you, as if you have done something wrong and are acting like a weird, paranoid control freak or something just for having legitimate concerns!

If it was me I don't think I would end the relationship but I would cancel (/postpone) the wedding because I doubt I would feel so great about committing myself for ever in front of all my family and friends in 2 months time after an event like that. It is always better to cancel a wedding if you're not sure then to have to get a divorce after. I would probably need some space apart (maybe a week living away or something?) and cancel the wedding, but I don't think I would end the relationship.

wickedlazy · 04/05/2016 21:52

So if op goes out with her mates, gets drunk and spends 10 minutes in the smoking area sitting in some fella's lap while he gropes her boobs, and snogs her, --she doesn't release someone uploaded a video to fb and her fiancee has seen it- she would and should be forgiven instantly because it was obviously just a silly mistake? Hmm

"It sounds like it was just entertainment and drunken debauchery with friends." If he wants drunken debauchery surely he should be single? Those whose dh's did similar, do they do things like that at every stag do or was it just their own? Or will you never know?

Is this not the trap? Women stay with men who "play away from home", because "he married me, he loves me" not realising these men often use them as glorified housekeepers/nannies/sex on tap, which to me isn't love. Yes he made a stupid mistake, so have we all. But if you're genuinely sorry you'll be honest and admit what you've done. He didn't come home upset, on the verge of tears because his mates pushed and pushed until he touched a strippers boobs, he's sorry, please don't leave me, I feel rotten, I'm so annoyed at them all, I was really happy until that happened etc. He lied, knowing all his mates were still having a giggle over the photo and it was still out there to be seen, but op had no clue. Actually he came home and shagged op Hmm. Also I'm sure a few of their partners have seen or heard about it (either through shocked dp "you'll never believe what x did last night" or by snooping on the group chat themselves). Whoever uploaded the photo was also disrespectful.

AnyFucker · 04/05/2016 21:57

What would be the point of that, though Meadow ?

Living apart for a week ? Then go back to the same man that behaved like that in the first place ?

You are either OK with it or you are not

These gestures to prove a point do nothing of the sort except show that after a little female tantrum it's game back on.

A complete waste of heads pace if you ask me. Have the courage of your convictions. Empty gestures just weaken your stance.

Then the next time he feels like a bit of extra marital groping, he knows he just has to take a bit of punishment then all is back to manpleasing normality

wickedlazy · 04/05/2016 22:03

Flowers It's a hard one op, have you talked about it with him since?

"And then you set him up to fail by testing whether he would lie or not (instead of just confronting him with the picture which was bothering you)"

^This is a load of crap btw. Even my ds knows, if I ask him outright about something and he's truthful, he'll get in less trouble than if he lies. And that if I find out later he's been lying, it leass to more trouble again. She gave him the chance to come clean, the opportunity to go, "I've been dying to get it off my chest, the anxiety was crippling me, x happened, I'm sorry". But he lied.