Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call off the relationship/wedding?

212 replies

Calloffthewedding · 03/05/2016 22:57

Not sure if I should have posted this in relationships but here goes

Supposed to be getting married in July, my fiance has just had his stag do in Newcastle. To cut a long story short I snooped on his facebook because I knew when he got home something wasn't right.

He told me that his best man hadn't planned anything so they just went to a few pubs, but his story wasn't adding up. I ended up checking his group chat where I found a picture of him next to a semi naked stripper as he felt her tits.

I then realised that he had come straight home and had sex with me, obviously frustrated. I confronted him but not only did he lie about it, he accepted my apology for doubting his story.

It was only when I said I had seen the picture he admitted anything, to be honest the lies are worse than the fact he got a stripper. Not sure what to do now?

I've had a few wines so please be gentle Wine

OP posts:
eightbluebirds · 06/05/2016 20:04

It would be the end for me. I don't see why woman accept their partner willingly having another woman stripping and being groped by their partner okay just becaus she's been paid for. Urgh
Can not tolerate lying either.

Writerwannabe83 · 06/05/2016 21:02

Exactly - where is the line drawn?

Is it ok for them receive oral sex if she's being paid to give it? Why exactly is touching another woman's breasts considered ok just because it's a Stag Do?

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 06/05/2016 22:05

Well I wouldn't be marrying him. But everyone's different. What matters is where your 'line' is. Don't listen to your parents. They won't be married to him in times to come.

I think you should take a week completely away, by yourself. Not to make a decision, just to let your feelings settle.

Original poster
Calloffthewedding · 06/05/2016 22:39

We had a long talk last night. He’s gutted about what’s happened and he knows that he was totally out of order. Said he selfishly just panicked about what my reaction might be because he had told me that he didn’t want to go to a strip club before he went, so he lied. Shit excuse but I know he would never set out to deceive me out of badness. He’s been so worried that I was going to leave him that he was sick at his work!

I did point out that surely anyone can see the difference between wanting to go to a strip club and his stupid mates planning him a surprise stripper Hmm He’s not remotely interested in strippers (never has been long before I was on the scene) which is why I would have likely just been a bit annoyed more at his BM then forgotten about it. I told him that if we move on from this he has to understand that in future I can deal with anything he tells me but I won’t accept lying. He said I just have to have faith in him but that he can assure me he won’t do anything like this again.

Trying to stop this from turning into a novel, basically it was clear to me from his reaction that he was being genuine otherwise I wouldn’t even have entertained him. I wrote my OP the same night it all came out and I had a bottle of wine in me, having had some time to think over the past few days I don’t think it’s worth throwing the whole relationship away over one stupid lie when he’s genuinely remorseful.

To clear up a couple of things, yes he does have form for lying but it’s never been over anything major and the last time was well over a year ago. I did think he had learned his lesson though which is partly why I was so hurt when I found out he’d lied again. On the whole our relationship is great and I do love him, I’m just not the type of person when I’m mad to say ‘oh but I love him’ too reactionary perhaps Grin I’m not worried that he’s going to cheat on me at all, in over three years he's never given me any reason to think that he's even looked twice at another woman.

Oh well it has turned into a novel after all, sorry. I’m aware there will be people who think I’m making a huge deal out of it, and others who’ll think I’m making a huge mistake staying with him, but I know him and our relationship so have to trust my own judgement!

Thanks all Flowers

P.S. I should have said earlier that when I told my mum she said I should go home and have a bath. Not even the decency to suggest a spa day! Grin

OP posts:
FloweryTwat · 06/05/2016 22:52

What did he lie about before?

Provided you can stand in front of priest/celebrant/registrar and know that when you say you want to marry him you have no doubts - go for it.

HelenaDove · 06/05/2016 23:15

I would have left him OP but im not you and its really up to you You only have his word for it that he was sick at his work and he has lied to you...twice. He could just be worried about losing a cosy domestic set up. Do you now feel ok about him coming home and having sex with you straight after groping her breasts? When is your hen night Has he shown any interest hypocrisy about what you and your friends have planned for the hen?

Like i said though.....im not you. And i agree with the PP who said if you can marry without doubt......

julfin · 07/05/2016 00:41

I think it's important that you follow your own heart and don't let other people pressure you into anything (either way) - only you know what feels right for you. Hugs to you, and all the very best for the future.

Baconyum · 07/05/2016 00:49

Well you know what we think but ultimately if it's a mistake its yours to make and you that will have to deal with the consequences.

Having said that I genuinely wish you good luck for your future.

mamas12 · 07/05/2016 08:56

Well good luck to
You must know what you're doing but he has to take responsibility for his actions too
So if I were you I would suggest he curtails his involvement with these so called mates of his and perhaps rethink their roles in your wedding day.
They, all of them including your oh have been completely disrespectful to you and your relationship.
Take no shit from anyone over this.
You've decided to carry on with your relationship but you shouldnt accept any shit or pisstakiing from anyone over this I.e. haha she couldn't cope with him having a stripper silly cow , sort of thing. Totally out of order laughing at you and your relationship is a disinvite to the wedding for me.

AnyFucker · 07/05/2016 10:37

You are marrying a proven liar twice over.

Your life, your choice.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 07/05/2016 10:57

Exactly AF it's her choice and she's no longer asking for opinions. Leave her alone Hmm

MensPerspective · 07/06/2017 13:30

Some of these extreme responses above show why so many marriages fail in this world. You told him it was a deal breaker. It happened, he didn't plan it, but you had laid your ground rules then followed up prying for information, you made him panic and as a result he lied to you to protect your feelings. This shows that he doesn't feel he can be open and honest with you. For everyone above that has jumped on this guy calling him a liar try thinking about how you encourage open and honest communication in your own relationships. It's a two way street people. Marriage isn't about following each other's rules, shit happens and things get hard all the time. What is important is you can talk it out. I think you should reflect on whether he felt he had any chance of talking it though with you without you walking out on the marriage over the first thing you had a disagreement about. You snooped on his phone to get this information so clearly you are off to a great start. Learn to talk openly, try to be understanding of each other, you won't agree on everything. If this is such a deal breaker then definitely move on. A happy, healthy, lasting marriage has to go through so much more than this little drama to stand the test of time and become the most amazing and rewarding experience you will ever have.

PaperdollCartoon · 07/06/2017 13:33

Have you literally just resurrected a zombie thread to mansplain to us?

MickeyRooney · 07/06/2017 13:36

I would end it.
Dealbreaker for me.

liminality · 07/06/2017 13:53

I was gonna make a comment about the OP but... what PaperdollCartoon said

nannybeach · 07/06/2017 14:10

Pleasant surprise on here, was expecting everyone to be all forgiving, and so what it was only her tits! I personally wouldnt marrying a man under these circumstances. I cannot see the point of stag dos. I know years it was meant to be the mans last night of freedom before getting married, and he was expected to have sex with someone.

PurpleMinionMummy · 07/06/2017 14:21

Oh here we go. It's all the womans' fault Hmm

MissBax · 07/06/2017 14:24

I personally hate the whole stripper tradition and would be RAGING if there was one at my OH's stag. I think whoever booked her is a prick and not respecting your relationship, and he's disgusting for entertaining it, let alone holding her boobs.

BadTasteFlump · 07/06/2017 14:27

Oh, ok.

It's your life OP, but two things jump out from your recent update.

Firstly yes he does have form for lying. I wouldn't marry a liar. How can you ever trust him to be telling the truth Confused

Secondly he's never given me any reason to think that he's even looked twice at another woman - apart from feeling another woman's bare tits, that is Hmm

BadTasteFlump · 07/06/2017 14:28

Oh, FFS - ZOMBIE THREAD....

Anyway, how's married life OP? Grin

StatisticallyChallenged · 07/06/2017 14:31

Epic mansplain

BadTasteFlump · 07/06/2017 14:33

What is a mansplain?

Iris65 · 07/06/2017 14:44

The problem is that when someone is pissed their judgement becomes very poor too. It might not reflect his 'normal' behaviour but how you respond depends on whether you can accept his lying and poor judgement - if that's what it was. Maybe he lied because he was panicking; but on the other hand that is also not a good sign.

Iris65 · 07/06/2017 14:45

OMG ZOMBIE THREAD!! Must remember to check dates in future!

YouWhatMate · 07/06/2017 14:46

Technically, it should be "mansplanation".

Hope that clears it up, BadTaste