Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call off the relationship/wedding?

212 replies

Calloffthewedding · 03/05/2016 22:57

Not sure if I should have posted this in relationships but here goes

Supposed to be getting married in July, my fiance has just had his stag do in Newcastle. To cut a long story short I snooped on his facebook because I knew when he got home something wasn't right.

He told me that his best man hadn't planned anything so they just went to a few pubs, but his story wasn't adding up. I ended up checking his group chat where I found a picture of him next to a semi naked stripper as he felt her tits.

I then realised that he had come straight home and had sex with me, obviously frustrated. I confronted him but not only did he lie about it, he accepted my apology for doubting his story.

It was only when I said I had seen the picture he admitted anything, to be honest the lies are worse than the fact he got a stripper. Not sure what to do now?

I've had a few wines so please be gentle Wine

OP posts:
Nicnak2223 · 05/05/2016 06:51

If you are called Sarah this might apply, it was posted on Monday I believe.

To call off the relationship/wedding?
CantAffordtoLive · 05/05/2016 06:57

Your parents reaction is appalling. If you were my daughter I would be very concerned about you marrying someone who is prepared to lie, let alone everything else.

Like a lot of us have said, the trust has gone hasn't it? I would imagine it has soured the whole relationship and your wedding day, should it happen, will have a big dark cloud over it. I think you should at the very least postpone.

Original poster
Calloffthewedding · 05/05/2016 07:25

Not sure why I'm getting so many posts telling me that I'm over reacting about the stripper. I've already said that it would only have bothered me a little, like a previous poster said a flash of jealousy then I would move on.

For those saying he 'knew I would kick off', FWIW he also assumed I would kick off because he stayed out for 2 nights and was surprised that I was fine with him and had sex with him when he came in. So I don't really think it's reasonable of him to lie because of how he assumed I would react Hmm

I've no doubt that he loves me to bits and he's gutted at himself for lying, but part of me keeps thinking that if I hadn't caught him out he'd still be happily letting me believe that all they'd done was a pub crawl.

The thought of going ahead with the wedding day as planned makes me feel sick and humiliated, especially as his BM and whoever else he tells before the day knows and no doubt thinks I'm being hugely unreasonable.

I'm not Sarah Smile

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 05/05/2016 07:35

The only person's feelings who matter here are yours.

Not your wanky twat of a fiancé.
Not your fiance's dick of a best man.
Not your pathetic father who values money above his own daughter and all women

Not your mother who hadn't realised she can have her own opinions.

Just yours.

He is not the only man in the world and while you might feel you truly love each other sometimes love isn't enough.

Good luck.

EponasWildDaughter · 05/05/2016 07:36

OP three of my daughters are over 18 and if any of them came to me with ANY doubts about their upcoming wedding i'd be the one talking about calling it off! There is no way on God's earth i'd be guilt tripping them into going through with it by mentioning money! Good grief! I'm so sorry that that's what happened FlowersFlowersFlowers

Please please don't get married under this cloud. Postpone the wedding. No matter what anyone here says they would or would not do this is YOUR life and the least you owe yourself is giving yourself a bit of time to be sure of how you feel.

Give yourself a time frame if it helps. 6 months. A year? If your relationship with this guy is strong then it will withstand this.

Duckdeamon · 05/05/2016 07:37

Plenty of people in RL will think/say the kind of bollocks that people on here have said: "just a stripper", "lads will be lads", stag do jinks", "he couldn't tell you because you'd be unreasonable". Likely pressure on you to be the "cool girl".

That says a lot of depressing things about sexism in our society IMO.

By saying he lied because of how (in his head) you'd react he's putting you in the "wifey", "nagging harridan" role. Disrespectful.

Baconyum · 05/05/2016 07:47

Awesomes's post is just that! Spot on!

Tazzyduffy · 05/05/2016 07:57

OP I totally understand why you are annoyed... I would be angry re the stripper and even more angry about the lies, but I don't think I would call of a wedding because of it, unless there were other niggles in my mind.

If you are having doubts then please consider at the very least post poning until you are clearer in your mind.

Do not marry under all this negative emotion.... Marriage is precious, but tough and you don't want a negative start.

Good luck!

firesidechat · 05/05/2016 12:02

If she were 40-plus and desperate calling off the wedding might be OTT.

She's young, intelligent and need not settle for an immature manipulative liar.

That's incredibly offensive to older women Lea. I'm old (50's) and intelligent and I have never tolerated this kind of behaviour in any man. That's why I married a decent one 32 years ago instead of a misogynistic dinosaur. I don't know anyone of my generation who would aspire to be a "cool" wife.

Originalfoogirl · 05/05/2016 23:09

In every single post you've made OP, you have made it clear you don't want to marry him. Mostly threads like this are scattered with "but I love him and...." It feels to me like you've made your decision and are looking for...um...permission...or backup? If he's 20, I'm guessing you're a similar age. If that's true then I'm old enough to be your mother. (I'm one of those over 40 year olds who if I were single is deemed desperate enough to put up with a lying scumbag). If you were my daughter, I would be advising you to run a mile. He's lied before, he has again and he will in future. Worse, he made you doubt yourself and apologise. That sets alarm bells ringing in my head.

For any man, of any age to think it is acceptable to grab the chest of a woman he doesn't know (paid for or not) especially if he is in a relationship is hugely disrespectful of women. If he can be so led by his friends to do something like that when he really didn't want to, he's a weak character. And to lie so barefacedly when challenged by it until he couldn't deny it shows no respect for you.

I'm sorry your own parents were so unsupportive of you. But don't let them guilt you into doing something you clearly don't want to do.

RedToothBrush · 05/05/2016 23:25

A divorce costs more than a called off wedding.

AnyFucker · 06/05/2016 09:48

Parents don't tend to pay for divorces though...

NotQuiteJustYet · 06/05/2016 12:03

OP, I made it clear to my now DH that I wouldn't tolerate any strippers on his stag and in return there would be no equivalent 'butlers-in-the-buff' etc at my hen. This was agreed upon out of mutual respect for each other and the fact we'd been together for several years by that point.

A stag/hen is NOT one last night of freedom, as people seem to deem it - that to me screams they're not ready for the commitment of marriage. Being from Newcastle myself, I have to say I witness a lot of them and the behaviour of some stags/hens (usually the hens are the worst Blush) absolutely astounds me, I'd hate to be the person they're going home to.

You need to listen to your emotions right now. How do you feel about him lying to cover it up? Does he have form for lying to cover things up? If so, whilst the 'stripper incident' might be a once off, you have a much deeper issuer of lying that is a pattern in a relationship that I doubt will change.

For what it's worth, if I was in your position, this would have been a deal breaker for me. It's about more than the stripper.

Baconyum · 06/05/2016 18:40

I'm afraid having married young myself as did my mother my view is that your 20's especially being usually just as your leaving uni, should be a time for fun, dating (but not seriously), travel, friends, trying new things, finding out who you are.

There's loads of time later for marriage etc.

I wish someone had told me this.

AnyFucker · 06/05/2016 18:49

Would you have listened ?

Baconyum · 06/05/2016 18:52

Can only speak for myself personally but as I was having doubts anyway yes I would have. Even when I raised these doubts people just said 'oh it's just cold feet everyone gets them'.

But yes I agree with someone who is head over heels add the arrogance of youth... I know not everyone would.

AnyFucker · 06/05/2016 18:56

If you had raised those doubts with me I would have encouraged you to explore them, not dismiss them

Hindsight, eh ? Smile

Baconyum · 06/05/2016 18:57

Oh hindsight is the expert! He turned out a shit dad too!

Baconyum · 06/05/2016 19:00

I can see why people thought it was cold feet as we'd been together 5 years so the marriage seemed an obvious next step. But I was also only 22 (and frankly knew fuck all about life!) So guidance from someone more experienced/sensible would have been good. There was also isolation from certain friends (I suspect people like yourself AF) who didn't like him and would definitely have encouraged me to think twice. It became an abusive relationship.

AnyFucker · 06/05/2016 19:02

I can see that. You don't realise when you are on the middle of it. But your subconscious was telling you. The trick is to trust yourself and that knowledge often comes with a high price Flowers

Baconyum · 06/05/2016 19:03

Sorry for derail OP.

But I agree normally type of threads there's a lot of 'but I love him/he's not normally an inconsiderate disrespectful shit' going on but you seem to genuinely feel this is not the right relationship for you. If that's true cancel (and stuff what your parents think!)

AlMinzerAndHisPyramidOfDogs · 06/05/2016 19:04

Nah - that would be the end for me.
i couldn't get over that.
i would dump him immediately.

Guiltypleasures001 · 06/05/2016 19:26

I don't get the sense he's on his knees crawling op as a bare minimum he should be

He's got,form for lying you don't trust him this will make you I'll, don't listen to the bullshit your dad is about to spout. My own dad said all men cheat said the womaniser Hmmif it ain't right, it's gonna cost more to get a divorce.

Baconyum · 06/05/2016 19:46

Actually to your dad

'OK I'll marry the twat, but if it ends in divorce you're covering ALL the costs'

MyLifeisaboxofwormgears · 06/05/2016 19:55

I think you should marry someone who actually likes you.