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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think once a month is enough

218 replies

Bambamboom · 22/08/2014 14:14

How often do you see your parents? I see my mum about once a month, obviously depending on life, sometimes I'm too busy sometimes she is. We will spend the day together with dd and do something nice, we like this arrangement.
However in laws expect every week, considering dp works long hours and I'll be returning to work soon, I don't see how that would work. If my mum demanded once a week along with them, we wouldn't actually get one day as a family.
Maybe I'm wrong, but I think once a week is a bit much, I mean...feel free to pop by for a cup of tea but once a week for an entire day...every Saturday? Really?
Anyway, how often does everyone see their parents/ in laws.
Grin

OP posts:
Floop · 22/08/2014 14:15

DHs mum, 6 out of 7 days. It is too much.

Mine, once every 3/4 months. Live at opposite ends of the country.

DidoTheDodo · 22/08/2014 14:16

A couple of times a year. Both seeing my parents and my ILs. Also that's about the number of times I see my grown up children and grandchildren too. I wish I lived nearer all of them, but we are all spread throughout the country.

Original poster
Bambamboom · 22/08/2014 14:16

6 out of 7?!
Christ.

OP posts:
500smiles · 22/08/2014 14:16

In laws, once a decade thankfully Grin

My parents, usually one a week / fortnight depending on what everyone is doing....but they are my parents so it doesn't involve DH unless he wants to come along.

500smiles · 22/08/2014 14:17

Oh and we only pop in for a cuppa and a chat so no more than an hour or two.

BucktoothedGirlinLuxembourg · 22/08/2014 14:17

Inlaws, never (dead)

My mum, maybe 3x a year. We're not close

rookiemater · 22/08/2014 14:18

DH's parents have passed away. We see mine about once a month and they live an hour away - they are getting older and a little frailer so I sometimes see them a bit more often. When we go or they come it's generally for about 4-5 hrs.

LadyStark · 22/08/2014 14:18

I see my Mum most Sundays, we alternate doing Sunday lunch and my grandmother, sis, bro etc come too.

In-laws live a couple of hours away and spend lots of time abroad so we see them every month or two.

Original poster
Bambamboom · 22/08/2014 14:18

I guess the fact they live 10 minutes drive down the road doesn't help. But my mum lath only 1 hour away max and she's happy to see me whenever I'm free (and she is) and it's usually once a month.
Then again I have 3 sisters she has to split her time with and she works full time whilst in laws only have my dp and are semi retired. But don't feel it's our job to keep them busy. Hmm

OP posts:
juneybean · 22/08/2014 14:19

Well currently living with them so see them most days. Moving out next week so probably a couple of days a week?

WilburIsSomePig · 22/08/2014 14:20

I saw my parents about twice a week when we lived close then about every 6/8 weeks when I moved 400 miles away. I see MIL about once a week sometimes more.

exexpat · 22/08/2014 14:22

I visit my parents about once a week for a couple of hours, which is plenty, though I do see them more often if they need help (shopping, stuff around the house, taking to hospital appointments etc). MiL much less often - she lives 300+ miles away. For many years we only saw them all once a year, as we lived 6,000 miles away.

I definitely think that being expected to spend one whole day a week with your in-laws, when you are both working and don't get much family time, is way too much. That's a huge proportion of your potential time with DCs. Can you make sure you have 'plans' for the weekend a bit more often, and get it down to half a day every two or three weeks?

I don't know how old your DCs are, but as they get older weekends tend to fill up with children's parties and activities like drama and football, so it becomes even less reasonable to expect them to miss out because 'we always spend Saturdays at gran and granddad's'.

Fluffyears · 22/08/2014 14:22

Mil demands a weekly visit to get her shopping done. You know she's incapable of getting a taxi to the manhoosive asda less than a mile away! She likes to act like a queen and get delivered door to door and acts bloody helpless. I've noticed her wee sneaky side popping up.

Well listen up mrs-he loves me and loves you like a mum but he worships the ground I walk on. Do not make him choose you'll lose! He loses a full day of his two days off pandering to her and woe betide she finds out we have annual leave booked as she'll try to take as much time from it as she can!

My poor mum is slotted in when I can :(

Wooh that's cathartic!

Muddlewitch · 22/08/2014 14:22

I am single so have no in laws anymore (Grin) but see my parents once a week. They come round for tea on a Friday, so that way the weekend is still free. Would that be an option? It does make Friday a long day after work/school but no one needs to get up in the morning so it's ok.

About once a month I also have them and my DB, nieces etc round for Sunday dinner.

Floop · 22/08/2014 14:24

Yeah Bambamboom, it's become a problem. DHs dad died, and she spiralled out of control a bit. So we picked her up. This was over a decade ago.

She does do my ironing though. And I had free childcare when the DDs were young.

It was fine then, but now the girls are adults, it's too much. I made a thread about it a while ago and we have come to some helpful resolves as a family.

Mintyy · 22/08/2014 14:27

We spend about 8-10 days a year (spread over 4/5 visits) with the inlaws and slightly less than that with my mum.

MajesticWhine · 22/08/2014 14:27

My ILs are over 1 hour away, so there's no dropping by for tea. We see them approximately once a month, sometimes more, depending on what is going on. If they are agitating to see us (or more likely the DC), then they usually announce they are coming over and we get a takeaway.

Original poster
Bambamboom · 22/08/2014 14:27

My dd is only 17 months. Thing is in laws are very able people, who when they are busy of have an agenda we don't hear from them for months! But put it this way, they are moving a little bit (a lot) closer to us again and are demanding once a week.
We try to be busy, last time they called 5x in 10 minutes to get hold of us and met us at the play area we were at. I think they may have a tag on one of us to work out where we are...
Id be happy with every other week, for dinner or to take dd to the park etc it's the expectation of every week, regardless of how busy we are that gets to me. Don't see why it can't just be when we are all free and left at that Hmm it's not like we'd leave it longer than a month

OP posts:
tittifilarious · 22/08/2014 14:28

In laws every 3-4 months but in a concentrated dose so we'll see them large parts of every day for 4 days. 200 mile distance.

Mine weekly to fortnightly. 20 minute car journey away so not close enough to just drop in, but close enough that it can be fairly frequently. Noo too frequent though

tittifilarious · 22/08/2014 14:29

PS I thought this was going to be about Doing The Deed.

Original poster
Bambamboom · 22/08/2014 14:31

Yes, I can understand why you would think that now you've pointed it out. But I'd say once a month is enough for that too! Grin

OP posts:
PeppermintInfusion · 22/08/2014 14:31

I see my mum every week day briefly as she dogsits (Blush) for me as currently work long hours, but that's an in-out job.
Generally go for dinner/eat out with my parents twice a week and go for dinner at ILs once a week. DH may call round one other time but I don't necessarily go.

Saying that if we don't feel like it/have something else on/fancy going out ourselves we just cancel there's no big expectation from my parents.
I'm an only child and my parents live a few miles away, DH's parents are a similar distance away too.
It's generally only dinner so we don't stay the whole day/evening and eat and run on occasion if we are busy.
Aside from that I may see my mother the occasional Saturday if she asks me to go shopping/lunch etc.

soapboxqueen · 22/08/2014 14:33

My parents pretty much everyday though that could be a 10 minute pop in or a whole day. I speak to them or text a few times a day too. They come for dinner on Wednesdays.

In laws maybe one or twice a week and usually only a couple of days between text or Facebook messages.

TheRealMaryMillington · 22/08/2014 14:34

I would think once a week would be ok, if it is:
organised around what you are doing and fits in
not a fixed day set in stone
can be informal
are not whole days, but a couple of hours here and there
your DP learns to tell them no when necessary

It is lovely if they can have this time with your DD - can they pick her up and have her to theirs for tea and then DP collect them once a week? Could that help you out and get them to leave you alone at weekends keep weekends to the odd meal and trip out?

Fluffyears · 22/08/2014 14:34

Floop is it my mil you have. She drives me twisty since she was widowed. The other night was her heating not working when she's had system fine for years. She invents reasons to have us up and expects dp to act as a free taxi not realising how much it costs to ferry her around. Last December we had 1 week off (we don't get Christmas off in the industries we work in) she got a solicitor appointment, then she wanted us to sit in house while she got hair done as she had a plumber in fitting a new bathroom, thenshe had dentist appointment so wanted us to go round again. She lives 40 minutes away!!! Dp told her no and I luffa him for it but the stress if sorting her life out ( she 'can't' fill out forms) as well as ours is telling he has chest tightness and grey starting through his hair. Oh then she was found wandering in the street crying (I maintains he was being msnipulative) dp had to shoot off to sort her out. Every little thing wrong is a phone call to him and she expects him to make phone calls on get behalf etc.

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