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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think once a month is enough

218 replies

Bambamboom · 22/08/2014 14:14

How often do you see your parents? I see my mum about once a month, obviously depending on life, sometimes I'm too busy sometimes she is. We will spend the day together with dd and do something nice, we like this arrangement.
However in laws expect every week, considering dp works long hours and I'll be returning to work soon, I don't see how that would work. If my mum demanded once a week along with them, we wouldn't actually get one day as a family.
Maybe I'm wrong, but I think once a week is a bit much, I mean...feel free to pop by for a cup of tea but once a week for an entire day...every Saturday? Really?
Anyway, how often does everyone see their parents/ in laws.
Grin

OP posts:
Thenapoleonofcrime · 22/08/2014 21:50

This is also where the broken record technique comes in- so every time your MIL starts down this moaning line, we don't see you, come next week blah blah you say 'sorry, that doesn't work for us, we'll be next over on Sunday week' and keep repeating like a broken record.

Don't engage in conversation about it, you don't have to, just tell her what times you are available and leave it at that.

Purplepoodle · 22/08/2014 21:52

The inlaws usually every sat or sun even if it's only for 30 mins. It's nice for kids to see their grandparents

HilariousInHindsight · 22/08/2014 22:03

My parents every day as we love together at the moment. If we didn't it would be a day or two every 2 or 3 weeks.

Future in laws around every2 months.

BBQSteak · 22/08/2014 22:06

alldepends how you get on with them, what you spend the time doing etc

microferret · 22/08/2014 23:07

Once a week is way too much IMHO.

I live in Germany. I skype with my parents about once a week and see them in person about 3-4 times a year. DH skypes his parents about once every 6 weeks and we also see them 3-4 times a year. During visits that include shared accommodation and last longer than 4 days some sort of bust-up is inevitable, so I have decided in the future that if we are planning to see either set of in-laws for longer than 4 days we MUST have a separate place to stay. Both my Dad and his are fairly belligerent, if essentially good-natured men, and I have a tendency to not be able to resist a debate (a big failing), so for us it's always better to keep contact with parents short and sweet and nicely spaced.

I love my parents a lot but I think that some relationships are enhanced and preserved by a sensible amount of distance. Dad is getting increasingly right-wing and Mum always has a long list of patronising unsolicited advice ready and waiting for our skype call. I always sign off as I feel my hackles rising, something I'd find hard to do in person. If we lived nearer to each other they'd probably have cut me out of the will by now.

Bless them, they are lovely, adorable people, for all their faults. And I'm hardly perfect. But family really know how to push yer buttons. Best to keep a healthy distance where possible.

microferret · 22/08/2014 23:24

Sorry OP, I wrote my prior post before I properly read most of the thread.

Bambam, your in-laws sound terrible. YANBU. This is controlling and manipulative behaviour. I think you should just politely but firmly refuse the weekly meet-up point blank and insist forcefully on a once-a-month policy. Otherwise they will never stop emotionally blackmailing you like this. Your poor hubby... he's had to deal with this his whole life! My ex's parents were a bit like this, insisted on lots of visits but berated him the whole time, pressuring him re. his career and telling him off for minor things like forgetting to send a birthday card to his Dad etc. They were very hard to stand up to but once I did start to put my foot down over various things they backed off.

I don't think your in-laws are going anywhere, so really what's the worst that can happen? Don't show any weakness and don't let yourself be manipulated any further. Once they get the message that you won't budge on this issue they'll probably stop pressing you. Best of luck!

ColdFeetWarmHeart · 22/08/2014 23:24

I often feel the same way about my MIL bambam, though we don't have orders to see her every weekend, she will often lay it on thick that she never gets to see our DD etc. She started that one yesterday, saying she feels left out when we do stuff with my folks - I gently pointed out we tried to see her a couple of times over the summer, but she have never been home!

We have had the whole stroppyness etc from her before though - even threatened to not come to our wedding. We try to be calm but firm with her these days, and drop little things into the conversation often just to drum it into her head (i.e. we will be moving soon - she announced yesterday that she will need to pick a bedroom!!! DH and I have agreed to just constantly refer to 3rd bedroom as the spare room, until she gets the hint!).
Can you try to be a little more firm? drop into conversation how busy you are, parties DC have etc

zipzap · 22/08/2014 23:56

Coldfeet I'd be referring to the third bedroom as the study or the playroom or the office or even outer mongolia etc before calling it the spare room or guest room!b Grin

OP if I were in your position, I'd definitely not want to set up anything regular or formal as that just sets up too many expectations on your pil's side which will stop you from doing anything.

I'd also be saying that as you're returning to work, things are going to change and start to 'plan' things in (even if they are imaginary things or things that get cancelled at short notice because you are feeling too tired etc) just so that you don't get that every week obligation to see them happening and turning into a pattern that you can't get out of!

frazzled74 · 22/08/2014 23:57

My dm every day , dmil twice a day, unless I'm at work or having a day out, so 5/7 days most weeks!! They are brief visits though, less than 1 hour! If the visits coincide with each other it's great as I can go hang out washing etc and leave the grandmas to gush over dc's!

WhereHas1999DissappearedToo · 23/08/2014 00:06

I see my mum who's in a rest home every two months as she lives 2.5 hours drive away. We normally go up for the weekend and stay at my brother's and SIL overnight. So we catch up with them aswell and when we go up it gives them a break from my mum's demands. (They do all her shopping etc for her- so they bear the brunt of her demands as they live 5mins away) When Dad was alive and mum wasn't in a home it was long weekends, plus christmas (Xmas is in our summer here) and easter holidays. Also we can't really afford holidays and they live in a nice holiday spot Grin

MiL and her husband (FIL been dead about 25 years) about once a year when they came down as we couldn't afford the airfares, they live at the other end of the country which is two hours by plane which is more than enough as she is very controlling. DH moved down here for a reason (about 1400kms Grin)

When DD was younger we always made the effort to visit my parents so she had a nice grandparents relationship, she's never been close with PIL and she's a lot closer with my mum.

WhereHas1999DissappearedToo · 23/08/2014 00:08

Posted too soon! I would love to see my mum more but now she's in a home it isn't really possible and DD (15!) misses staying at their house, she says it's not the same anymore especially without Dad (he's only been dead a year) and that PIL don't really feel like her grandparents.

ColdFeetWarmHeart · 23/08/2014 00:37

zipzap if she doesn't get the hint by the time we move in, forget referring to it as my study, I will MAKE it my study! And will conveniently leave no room for even a camp bed/sleeping bag! haha

VioletBrogues · 23/08/2014 00:54

BamBamBoom it truly doesn't matter how much other people see their in-laws.

If your ils were understanding and considerate then they would be trying to find a solution which worked for both you and them.

They are not behaving like this. They are putting their needs above yours. Set some boundaries with your dh and stick to them.

I spent many years trying to please my inlaws and see them every other week until the strain was unbearable, and the relationship deteriorated so badly that we didn't see them at all for 18 months and now probably every 2 months.

Its desperately sad but what I'm trying to say is don't bury your (right) instinct that your family need time away from wider family and try to please everyone else, because while you are busy putting their wants above your own needs they will just take and take.

merrymouse · 23/08/2014 08:10

I don't think there is a set amount of time that you should spend with your parents - it depends on your relationship. However, it is completely unrealistic to expect your grown up child to spend a day a week hanging out with you out of guilt. Would any of us honestly want this for our own children?
(Obviously there are multi-generation households where families choose to live together or families who spend time together because they share common interests - that is a bit different)

FreeSpirit89 · 23/08/2014 08:20

I see my mum daily and my dad once a week. My grandmother a few times a week too. Were a close family though. Live within walking distance

itsonlysubterfuge · 23/08/2014 08:43

I see my parents every 2 years or so, it's expensive to fly to America. I see my in-laws maybe 4 times a week? We often go 'round and spend the afternoon with them. I love them and enjoy their company though, so I'm happy to go.

Original poster
Bambamboom · 23/08/2014 08:48

It's definitely that I find the "we expect to see you once a week thing hard to understand. Obviously if that's convenient for both and nether of us have plans, that's fine but if we can't manage that all he'll breaks loose. It's very difficult to keep my in laws happy, if we don't see them once a week but when we do see them once a week they just moan about how we are when we see them, or that we aren't living correctly etc.
They are just never happy just to see us and dd, they are always asking for more in one way or another.
And it's always so scheduled and such a massive affair, my mil likes to host dinner parties and expects us to sit down to a 5 course meal with a toddler than just about sits still to eat her own meal.
Meeting them today, but meeting at the park a) to avoid having to stay to long and b to avoid tantrums when we have leave

OP posts:
thegreylady · 23/08/2014 09:34

I think it is wrong to 'demand' or expect set visits. Contact should be managed by informal invitation or request.
"Hi dils do you fancy coming to the park (to tea, shopping, whatever) on the 15th?"
""Hi Bambam we'd love to pop over in the next couple of weeks. When will you be free? Or would you rather come to us?"

FryOneFatManic · 23/08/2014 10:00

Bambamboom I agree you need to consider what you can cope with. Your DD is 18 months but if you agree to the once a week thing, where will that leave your dd (and any siblings she may have) when she starts school and starts getting to be invited to stuff at weekends, or she picks a hobby requiring weekend time. Would they still insist on taking priority and seeing you all at weekends?

We saw late MIL about once a month, but spoke on the phone more frequently. Although in her last year I spent a lot more time with her as she had cancer and I was job hunting so had time to help.

I see my DPs at least once a week, without DP. DP plays in a pub team with my dad, parents have DCs for tea once a week. We just get on more with my parents, and being so much younger than MIL I didn't really have a common outlook on things, although I liked her a lot. I was 44 when she died at the age of 84, there were just so many differences it was hard to find something to talk about so I just let her do the talking Grin

The right amount of time is always going to depend on circumstances and personalities. there's no "one size fits all".

naturalbaby · 23/08/2014 12:12

Arrange more days out and have more plans at the weekends. Where/when will it end if you keep letting them dominate every single one of your weekends?

curiousgeorgie · 23/08/2014 12:25

I see my parents about 4/5 times a week, for dinners, lunches, days out etc. We go on holiday with them too.

We see DH's parents usually once a week, for dinner.

LuluJakey1 · 23/08/2014 12:50

When my mum was alive I saw her every weekend and spent a whole day with her (she was frail and it was the only day she got out). Spoke on phone every day and did her shopping and DH dropped it off one night during week and had a cup of tea with her. Dad died a few years ago.

PIL live 130 miles away. See them about once every two months. Speak couple of times a week at most.

Nanny0gg · 23/08/2014 12:55

Just say no!

Honestly, you are not going to win with this one, so just do what suits you.

If you're not seeing them the crying won't affect you, will it?

Original poster
Bambamboom · 23/08/2014 13:07

So the park went well, only stayed a couple of hours and was fine but mil asked to see us tomorrow and my dp has serious issues saying "no"

OP posts:
freedom2post · 23/08/2014 13:45

Oh god, I can't imagine only seeing my dc once a month

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