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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think once a month is enough

218 replies

Bambamboom · 22/08/2014 14:14

How often do you see your parents? I see my mum about once a month, obviously depending on life, sometimes I'm too busy sometimes she is. We will spend the day together with dd and do something nice, we like this arrangement.
However in laws expect every week, considering dp works long hours and I'll be returning to work soon, I don't see how that would work. If my mum demanded once a week along with them, we wouldn't actually get one day as a family.
Maybe I'm wrong, but I think once a week is a bit much, I mean...feel free to pop by for a cup of tea but once a week for an entire day...every Saturday? Really?
Anyway, how often does everyone see their parents/ in laws.

OP posts:

306235388 · 22/08/2014 14:59

My parents - every 3/4 months. Talk regularly.

Dh's parents - most weeks

Original poster

Bambamboom · 22/08/2014 15:00

Maybe I should buy as a caravan then...possibility!

OP posts:

abigamarone · 22/08/2014 15:08

I'd hope to see my kids at least once a week when they leave home. I'd prefer it to be a visit of the 'dropping in' variety than a full day though. I'd be turfing them out after a couple of hours.

treaclesoda · 22/08/2014 15:09

I see my parents about once a week for a couple of hours. DH sees his parents once a week for a couple of hours. The DC go with us both, so they see each set of grandparents for a couple of hours each week.

We only live a few mins from grandparents and they're all getting on a bit so I'd feel bad if we didn't see them at least once a week.

BackspaceEnter · 22/08/2014 15:10

Mine 2/3 times a year. IL's 2-3 times a year. Long weekends as we live abroad.

The thought of living in the same country as the IL's gives me a cold sweat and palpitations! They (especially MIL) would expect to see us weekly at the very least and that would be way way too much.

birdofthenorth · 22/08/2014 15:13

Mine live one hour away and we see each other for the day every couple of months. They might babysit for a couple of hours in between.

In laws live 3 hours away and we see them for the weekend every couple of months. They would like it to be more. I think that's plenty!

Blithereens · 22/08/2014 15:18

We live 100 miles away from both DM and the PILs So it is about monthly for my mum and maybe every two months for DH's parents. I do like them, it's just we also see DM when we travel to see other family members as well. DH sees them without me sometimes which I am very happy with

gamerwidow · 22/08/2014 15:20

I see my mum 2 or more times a week. she is unwell and needs extra support so I couldn't see her less than that. her and dd dote on each other too and love their visits. my fil stays for the weekend every 4 to 6 weeks and we stay the weekend at my mil and sfil every 6 weeks or so too. I like dd having regular contact with all the people who love her

BackforGood · 22/08/2014 15:21

It's going to be so different for everyone, depending on all sorts of things. but I don't think it's the frequency per se, here, as the 'expecting you to block out a day to spend time with them'.

When my parents were alive, we'd just pop by, regularly - 2 or 3 times a week, but it would be on the off chance they were there. We'd just get the kettle on and they'd carry on with whatever they were doing, and I'd stand and chat around that (or strt drying up, or whatever). When dh's parents want to visit, then it becomes a big 'thing' and they have always had the expectation that we have a whole evening spare to sit down and just chat to them.
My sister's in-laws are round a lot, but they've always been helpful to my sister and her dh - have taken the dc to school or to their activities or have babysat or had them for sleepovers, or they'll come round and help when they are gardening or decorating. As they are helpful and don't expect my sister and her dh's lives to stop for them, then they've always been welcome whenever they want, and the dc have fantastic relationships with them.
I think that's the key, rather than the frequency.

Skivvywoman · 22/08/2014 15:22

I seen my mum and dad every single day until they died,

We don't see in laws as we have fell out but used to see mil every week or 2 and FIL every month

careeristbitchnigel · 22/08/2014 15:22

My parents 2-3 times per week
MIL 2-3 times per week

careeristbitchnigel · 22/08/2014 15:23

oh and I work full time, so does DH

naturalbaby · 22/08/2014 15:24

In laws every 3-4 weeks and my parents every couple of weeks due to distance (and helpfulness!). We make sure we have one weekend a month with no visitors to spend time as a family together. The in laws get told, regularly, how busy we are and what we're up to. We have other family and friends to see at the weekends as well as them so we regularly tell them how tricky it is to fit in everything and everyone at the weekends.

theDudesmummy · 22/08/2014 15:24

My in-laws are dead (I never met them), and I see my parents about once every two years or so. I do talk to them on the phone about once a month. If I had a choice I think would choose to see them about once a month, to be honest (don't have a choice as they are in a far away country).

GlaceDragonflies · 22/08/2014 15:25

Sometimes 2-3 times a week, sometimes once a week, sometimes less often. It's not a big thing though, we will just pop in on the off chance that they are in or will phone and say do you want a coffee in town but we're there maybe 20 minutes, an hour at most I guess. We go on holiday with my parents sometimes as well but we make sure we have own our space and that they have theirs.
All day once a week would be too much.

Itsfab · 22/08/2014 15:27

No set time. Sometimes we go months without seeing them but they ring a lot.

Prior to having kids we had to see them every single weekend and it got too much. I gradually stopped that and made it longer between visits. I know they want to see their son, and now grand children, but every week? No. DH only has two days off where he can spend the whole day with the kids and me. Not that he doesn't want to see them but that he doesn't want to not have the time with us.

For me, once a month would do. Or every two months.

cashmiriana · 22/08/2014 15:27

My DF, usually once a week or so, depending on how busy we are. We tend to go out and do things together, and talk at least once between meetings. He's very local - 10 minutes drive.

DH's DF and DstepM - probably every 8 weeks or so. It has been more frequent recently due to family illness. They are about 2.5 hours drive away.

MIL we have seen twice in the past 5 years. She lives overseas.

RhinestoneCowgirl · 22/08/2014 15:28

My parents live 150 miles away, ILs about 200 miles away, so popping in for a cup of tea isn't really an option.

I speak to my parents a couple of times a week (when DC were preschool we would talk on phone most days) and they visit every couple of months, we usually go and stay for a week in the summer. I'd love to see more of them, but they like where they live and we like where we live, nobody's planning to move just yet...

LilyandGinger · 22/08/2014 15:35

Some strategies not that we use these at all ...

Meet them somewhere, like a museum/art gallery etc. Pop in whizz round, have a cuppa in the cafe. You control when you leave.

Invite them to baby sit in the evening. They get to see gc and you get to go out with out actually having to spend your whole Sunday with them.

One set of parents got into the habit if seeing us for the whole of Sunday when the DCs were small. It was a bit much then tbh but they do adore the children and they are very nice. Now that the DC are older and do various activities on a Sat it's actually quite constraining to see them every Sunday so we sometimes suggest one of the above and about once a month politely tell them we are too busy to see them at all (which leads to sad faces)

Everythingwillbeok · 22/08/2014 16:01

Mine twice a week,the in laws on a Sunday for about an hour and a half.
Although no faces would be pulled if that were to vary in any given week.

pregnantpause · 22/08/2014 16:07

I see both il and parents at least once a week. Parents live around the corner , we always pop in for tea after school/ on way to the park- the in laws live an hour away, but travel to look after the dc whilst I'm at work.

They would each mortified not to see my dc once a week- esp my in laws who travel so far to see them.

This is fine with me, BUT not on weekends. When dh is off work is family time - we don't visit then.

WitchWay · 22/08/2014 16:07

We see my widowed mum (2 hours away) 3-4 times a year, similar for ILs ( an hour away)

Mum is harder work - likes to "play hotels" when she comes but it's easier having her here than staying with her, as she can't fuss about providing a meal every couple of hours. She invariably stays for more days than we'd like & tries to stop us leaving as soon as we'd like. No different to before Dad died.

Ils don't fuss but tend to just sit & do very little. We only ever see them for the day.

Bluecarrot · 22/08/2014 16:13

My parents live next door so I see them most days. DPs parents live 2 hours away so we try to go there once a month.

When I was little my grandparents lived about 10 miles apart so on Sundays we went for lunch at one house and dinner at the other. Meant we had the Saturday at home

DomesticSlobbess · 22/08/2014 16:15

I see my parents once every two to three weeks which is enough for me. I moved out at 19 so quite used to the independence, doing my own thing and just getting on with every day life so I could probably leave it longer before missing them

DM asks for a photo of DS if she hasn't seen him for two weeks because she misses him so much. I send a photo, in which he looks exactly like he did two weeks previously

DM got into a habit of texting me every Saturday asking if they could come and visit or if I wanted to come to them. I started making up things I was busy doing because I didn't want to say, "No, I was planning to sit in my pyjamas and no-makeup all day" which is what I was really doing.

I love my parents but we don't actually do anything. A visit involves them (and DB who is in his 30s and living at home - the 3 of them come as a package) coming over, just sitting down, chit-chatting, while DS gets lavished with attention, any conversation from me gets ignored in favour of whatever DS is doing. They will literally stop mid-conversation if DS wants to say something or show them something. Despite me teaching DS not to interrupt. So I'll carry on the conversation, but they'll quickly wrap it up so they can go back to whatever DS wanted.

magicalmrmistofelees · 22/08/2014 16:17

My parents every 3/4 weeks (live 180 miles away). DH's parents about every 3 months (they live abroad). Even when we lived 2 mins from the in laws we didn't see them every week . When do they expect you to spend time as a family?

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