Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Original poster

To think once a month is enough

218 replies

Bambamboom · 22/08/2014 14:14

How often do you see your parents? I see my mum about once a month, obviously depending on life, sometimes I'm too busy sometimes she is. We will spend the day together with dd and do something nice, we like this arrangement.
However in laws expect every week, considering dp works long hours and I'll be returning to work soon, I don't see how that would work. If my mum demanded once a week along with them, we wouldn't actually get one day as a family.
Maybe I'm wrong, but I think once a week is a bit much, I mean...feel free to pop by for a cup of tea but once a week for an entire day...every Saturday? Really?
Anyway, how often does everyone see their parents/ in laws.

OP posts:

Abra1d · 22/08/2014 14:35

See my parents about once every three weeks (they live 75 miles away), more often if they are ill and need help.

See in-laws about three times a year as they are 540 miles away. Sometimes my husband flies up to see them by himself to help out while I man the home fires.

If my parents lived nearer I would probably pop in briefly a couple of times a week as they are older and take them to more appointments, etc.

Justagirlintheworld · 22/08/2014 14:35

We see my parents pretty much everyday but we do live on the same street and they don't really come to our house. If so it's only to pop in about something, we tend to go round to theirs.

My other half only agreed to buy a house near them as my dad told him the closer you live to people, the less you see of them! Which is true as his mother would stay all day if she could. This usually coincides with me having to go out somewhere. I don't actually mind her but I can't be doing with all of her illnesses and constantly feeding her. I'm sure she wants to spend most of her visit with her son and grandchild though so I'm doing her a favour! She probably visits every 2-3 weeks depending on which illness she currently has.

Lucked · 22/08/2014 14:36

If close enough it wouldn't be enough for me.

My parents do childcare two afternoons a week so I see them when I pick up and usually have a cup of tea and stay 45 mins or so. We sometimes pop in again over a weekend but again for a cup of tea on our way to or from somewhere, they aren't interested in trips with the kids or coming to the park. In laws every couple of months they will come and stay for a weekend and spend every minute with the kids.

I think if they want to see you every week and you both work full time then they will have to provide dinner one week night, weekends get tricky.

StormyBrid · 22/08/2014 14:36

The toddler and I go to see my dad twice a week, he only lives half a mile away. My mum I see in a care home once a week (would be more if I could find the time), only a mile away. MIL is an hour and a half's drive away, she comes over for a day once every six weeks or so, but if she were local I'd see her at least once a week (when she'd come to whisk the toddler away overnight). FIL is overseas and a bit of a knob, and we don't like each other, so I see him very infrequently.

StormyBrid · 22/08/2014 14:36

Fudgeface123 · 22/08/2014 14:37

I used to see mum and dad every couple of days but since dad died, I see my mum every day.

I don't see much of DP's mum...she lives a way away and has 4 kids so it's kind of a rotational thing when we see her...so maybe every other month

TheRealMaryMillington · 22/08/2014 14:37

Oh, btw have no inlays (died before I met DH : ( ) and my mum comes to stay for 3 or 4 nights every 3 or 4 weeks, we sometimes have a holiday with her for a week. I am hoping she will move a lot closer and live round the corner.

Original poster

Bambamboom · 22/08/2014 14:37

Now I feel like my relationship with my mum isn't close enough once a month and everyone seems to see parents that live nearby weekly/daily
I wish they were the kind of people I could hand my daughter over to for a while but they just aren't. If you could whiteness how they are with my dp you'd see why.
Once we go round/meet up it tends to end up being all day to avoid emotional breakdowns happening (Mil)

OP posts:

Verynearlytea · 22/08/2014 14:38

We see the outlaws usually every fortnight but sometimes once a week and sometimes not for three weeks. We have no formal arrangement but will think 'ooh haven't seen the outlaws for a while let's pop by for a cuppa and a catch up'. I do see Father Out-Law once a week for pick up/drop of of DGC but that's usually quite quick.

My own parents every 2/3 months but we live at opposite ends of the country.

However often, for me, it is the regularity and expectation that I don't like (sounds like this is your main issue OP). Not sure how you can reset that.

Fluffyears · 22/08/2014 14:38

Best one was the cough she had her dr told her to visit hospital for chest screening and just call the department to arrange a time . So on Christmas Day she asked dp to take her up next day ( again fine public transport link) but wanted ferried in his nice car. I internally did a dance of glee when hospital deoartment said they weren't opened and we only get the standard days off. She had to go herself anyway. Strangely that fake sounding cough hasn't re-appeared since she got told there was fuck all wrong.

Quokka12 · 22/08/2014 14:41

in laws - every couple of months (other end of the country)
parents - every day (they live with us!)

If you are going back to work could they not pick up from nursery, childminder one afternoon and take dd for tea and then have a quick drink when they drop off leaving you one afternoon you/dh one afternoon you don't do pick up?

Original poster

Bambamboom · 22/08/2014 14:46

I'd really rather see them for a couple of hours a week, be it after work or at the weekends than them have dd alone. I'm sorry, but for various reasons I just can't...not yet anyway. Maybe when she's older.
It's definitely more that it has to be weekly and if we try to leave mil asks about meeting tomorrow or will get upset saying we don't love her and that dp has changed Etc.
Hmmm

OP posts:

Thenapoleonofcrime · 22/08/2014 14:48

I think the issue here is a) the whole day thing which then blocks out other activities on this day ever and b) the fact they aren't thinking flexibly about this even though they are moving closer.

I do see my mum at least once a week or twice, I love to see her but she's happy if it's just for a couple of hours, or popping in to help out, or for a quick cuppa.

I would be resistant to setting aside one whole day of any weekend to IL's in fact I know my husband just wouldn't be happy with that, as he like me thinks weekends are family time esp. if you both work.

Can you suggest some shorter periods of time for them to meet up? I see you are returning to work soon, could they do pick up from childminders one day a week?

Basically they are going to have to get flexible, and realise you don't have much family time if they don't, they will just have to put up with what is offered which may be once a month.

Original poster

Bambamboom · 22/08/2014 14:48

Dp didn't see his grandparents this often and the in laws don't see theirs more than once a year (be it they are a 4 hour drive away but they drive further more regularly to see their friends) so I don't understand where this once a week for breakfast, lunch and dinner has come from

OP posts:

MrsMonkeyBear · 22/08/2014 14:48

ILs could be once a week, could be every day. They live across the road so it depends on what we are doing. DH can't really escape his mum though as they work together.

My parents, probably once a month. My mum and sister tend to come through as I live near a massive shopping complex. DSdad comes when he's not on night shifts. I do try to go over to theirs but being massively pregnant and having to use public transport don't mix very well with me.

TheRealMaryMillington · 22/08/2014 14:48

Bambam - how often you see each other isn't a guaranteed indication of closeness.

Also if they are not kind to you/DP then that changes things.

You shouldn't be emotionally blackmailed into spending more time with them than is practical or makes you all happy.

The bit where you said, we'll never leave it more than a month was telling, perhaps, and I thought a bit ungenerous at first - but there is obviously more to it.

I think you and DP should agree and set some limits. Half a day every other week - in a flexible arrangement. Of course DP can always go round with DD after work any night in the week, or on Saturday mornings/evening (for e.g.) whilst you do something else, so long as they are back in time to do XYZ.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 22/08/2014 14:49

if we try to leave mil asks about meeting tomorrow or will get upset saying we don't love her and that dp has changed Etc

well, there's the issue then, your dh needs to have a chat with his mum and explain it's not appropriate to do this type of emotional blackmail, that you are now part of a busy working family and do your best, but remarks like this are not ok and if she carries on, they will see less of you not more.

TheRealMaryMillington · 22/08/2014 14:50

A whole day every week isn't practical for a working family, or reasonable as an expectation.

BlackWings · 22/08/2014 14:51

About 5 day's a week! But they do my childcare and are brilliant parents and GP's plus I actually get on well with them. The rest of my family however would make a very interesting aibu

TheRealMaryMillington · 22/08/2014 14:52

It's definitely more that it has to be weekly and if we try to leave mil asks about meeting tomorrow or will get upset saying we don't love her and that dp has changed Etc.

Simple. You go later afternoon on Sundays. When possible.

Is there something else going on? Is she very lonely? Ill/depressed? Unhappy in her marriage?

Original poster

Bambamboom · 22/08/2014 14:56

The Sunday thing is a good idea...we could do that...but I'm
Pretty sure mil will want to do Sunday dinner and that usually turns into a 5 hour occasion with a ridiculous spread of food and a 5 course meal followed by card games and the next door neighbours coming round.
Mil is just having trouble letting go Of her only son I think...
She's a little bit...unusual

OP posts:

shareacokewithnoone · 22/08/2014 14:56

I generally always agree with napoleon: this thread is no exception.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 22/08/2014 14:59

Until recently my parents lived in the same village as us, but being keen caravan ears were away a lot. So probably would see them twice a week in the winter, one day after school and one pop in for cuppa at weekend. In the summer we would go and stay with them in the van a few times. In laws are hundreds of miles away. This year we are going to them twice, they have come to us once, plus we have been on hols together although this is unusual.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 22/08/2014 14:59

Caravaners not caravan ears bloody iPad.

Bunbaker · 22/08/2014 14:59

We see MIL every school holiday as she lives 150 miles away. My parents are dead.

I have never lived near family as an adult and can't imagine what it would be like to feel pressured to visit all the time.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9