To think once a month is enough

[Bambamboom]

How often do you see your parents? I see my mum about once a month, obviously depending on life, sometimes I'm too busy sometimes she is. We will spend the day together with dd and do something nice, we like this arrangement.
However in laws expect every week, considering dp works long hours and I'll be returning to work soon, I don't see how that would work. If my mum demanded once a week along with them, we wouldn't actually get one day as a family.
Maybe I'm wrong, but I think once a week is a bit much, I mean...feel free to pop by for a cup of tea but once a week for an entire day...every Saturday? Really?
Anyway, how often does everyone see their parents/ in laws.

we see my mum for a week every year - lives 2 flights away.. one year at her place, next at ours..

we see DH mum on a Sunday - usually. Some at her place, some at ours. We decided as a family that Sundays were to be family days unless something "of equal value" came up. Anyone who wants to come to us or for us to go to them knows they need to schedule in a Sunday. Mums, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews etc.

but we have Sundays like today too - got back from holiday (to my mum) on Monday and need down time, DD is off the her friend's granny's 90th as a don't-make-me-be-the-only-teen-there "friendship deal" (obviously of equal value to her) and we are having a bit of a pyjama day.

Before my lovely mum died every few weeks as she lived over an hour away but she also came in school hols to look after DC. I see MIL every few weeks and I visit more than her son!(DP). I do not begrudge the time as DC loved to see them too and I am so aware now that they will not be around for ever.

sandgrown- I agree. We live with my mother. She has no other family, disabled, frail and in her 80s. If it wasn't us it would be a care home. She won't be with us forever but she is living her later years surrounded by her family, warm, and well fed.

Both my parents are dead. I used to see them around every month or so as they lived around 40 miles from us.
I see my IL's about every fortnight - sometimes more often as we live in the same town.
I'm fortunate that we get on well. Dropping in for a cup of tea is perfectly acceptable.

I see my mother every two months. Same for seeing MIL and FIL. Cousins are twice a year as there are four sets of them!

Once very month I see my MIL but some times maybe once a fornight DH will pop in on his own to see her for a few mins (usually to sort out something with her computer of internet, she's a technophobe!). I actually get on fine with my mother in law but couldn't spend a whole day with her week in week out. End of the day, me, DH and 2 DSs, this is OUR family and out time together is precious. It would do my head in having to give up a whole day every week!

My Mum died when I was little but my Dad I see as and when I can. Sometimes once a month, other times every few days if he happens to pop in on his way to work but he never stays more than 15 minutes or so. I can't actually deal with people in my space.

Every f*cking day. We live next door to the inlaws so cannot escape them. Even if we do not speak to them we can't miss them walking past our living room window umpteen times a day.

I do not have contact with my mother but when I did she used to phone me nearly every bloody day and talk the same old crap.

I have a friend who see's her inlaws and parents a few times a week, even if just for half an hour at a time. The difference is they are nice people.

I see my parents several times a week as they live in our village and father still helps me on the farm at busy times so lately I've been seeing him almost every day. We see dw's folks most weeks but that's fine they are lovely people and a joy to be with. FIL has been helping with the harvest this year - my father even taught him how to drive the tractors last year.

My parents. 2 or 3 times a week. Live a five min walk from them. Mum cleans for us. We usually go on Friday nights for something to eat and a couple of drinks. ILs, probably once a fortnight. They live near us but DP isn't as proactive at arranging things with them.

sandgrown and deepbluetr Your comments indicate that you have very good relationships with your pums/ILs etc. But many people don't which will have a direct impact on how often they see or want to see parents or inlaws.

You both come up with the line of how they "won't be around forever", which is often used to guilt trip other people into seeing some family members when it isn't really the best thing for them.

Relationships work best when there's give and take on each side. In the OP's case, the taking seems to be biased on the ILs side with all the giving being heavily on the OP and her DH. This isn't tight so I can certainly see why the OP is asking these questions.

I see DD and my GSs 6 out of 7 days but only because DGS1 is disabled and she needs help with his physiotherapy etc.

I would give absolutely ANYTHING to have coffee once a week and babysit at the weekend

So would she!

fryone

"Your comments indicate that you have very good relationships with your pums/ILs etc."

You assume wrongly. I have never been close to my mother. What I do see however is a vulnerable old woman- who is my mother- in need of solace, comfort and care.

There's NOTHING vulnerable about my mil.
I dread the day she is old and frail and needy because she will still be a manipulative nasty b*tch and I'll have to look after her.
much needed after that thought

Good for you bambam

It's a rare week that we don't see MIL. But at least it's down to once or twice a week now, as opposed to the every day that she would probably prefer!
When we moved out here, she was in every day until I said to DH "could we cut this back to maybe 3 times a week max because it's seriously starting to get on my nerves" - I never felt comfortable just "being" in my own home, because she might pop in at any time! So she cut back.
It's not that she isn't nice and helpful, she is. It's just being there all the time that gets on my wick.

I haven't been to her house more than a handful of times since DS2 was born, he's now 22mo. Her house is on the water, it's also on a fairly steep hill and has lots of unsafe brick/stone steps around; she only lives 15mins away so it's easier for her to come to ours to see the boys (all of them, including hers).
DH and DS1 have been there more, but DS2 requires constant watching so it's an exhausting chore to have him over there.

My Dad I see for 3w once a year, although we do Skype quite regularly as well. BUt if we still lived in the UK, we'd probably not see him more than once or twice a month - maybe once a week for tea, or something, as my sister takes her DC over to Dad's once a week - hard to say since we're not there!

deepbluetr

I have a very close relationship with my mum. But she won't be living with us, at her insistence. I'll make sure she's okay, but I know she just doesn't want to live either with us or with Dbro.

Bambam why do you feel that you'll have to look after her? Why can't your DH look after his mum? Has it simply been assumed that because you're the wife you have to do the care?

Not trying to be goady, but from bitter experience in my family, these sorts of issues need discussing before the situation arises, or resentments can so easily rear their heads and you relationships could suffer. Taking on elder care is a major, major decision and needs proper discussion.

MIL spent her final days in a home, which was a really good one, because she needed care that we couldn't provide. But the whole issue was properly discussed, and all options considered. not like my grandad, who dropped himself on my parents with no discussion, and my parents' health never recovered

My mum is lonely so maybe 2-3 times a week but when school starts it could be just once a week then a + Sunday dinner once a month.
Term time DH's parents once a week too but have hardly seen them this holiday.

DM lives 15 mins away, see her maybe two or three times a month.
IL's live an hour away, see them once every 5 or 6 weeks on average.
More than enough .

I like to see my mum about once a month which is enough for all of us. we either go to hers or dsis or they come to ours.
DP hasn't seen his mum since Mothers day and won't till his b'day next month. Don't know why but we are really low priority for his mum. Suits me fine though as I don't get on with her at all and DP isn't really bothered about the lack of contact

I can't imagine I would be able to actually look after mil, although a few passing comments from inlaws suggest they think I would/should/am!
I'd imagine they'd pay for very expensive/good live in carers or something if/when I tell them I'm not looking after them.

My parents about 5 times a year as we live hundreds of miles apart. Talk to my mum on the phone everyday though.

We see my in-laws every 2 weeks for Sunday lunch and DH would text or ring them in between.

fryone= fine if your Mum can look after herself, but my mother struggled living on her own. Not eating well, stressed out about dealing with bills etc. Terrified of going to a care home and not really at that stage, living with us is the best option for her.