Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think once a month is enough

218 replies

Bambamboom · 22/08/2014 14:14

How often do you see your parents? I see my mum about once a month, obviously depending on life, sometimes I'm too busy sometimes she is. We will spend the day together with dd and do something nice, we like this arrangement.
However in laws expect every week, considering dp works long hours and I'll be returning to work soon, I don't see how that would work. If my mum demanded once a week along with them, we wouldn't actually get one day as a family.
Maybe I'm wrong, but I think once a week is a bit much, I mean...feel free to pop by for a cup of tea but once a week for an entire day...every Saturday? Really?
Anyway, how often does everyone see their parents/ in laws.
Grin

OP posts:
TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 22/08/2014 18:12

We used to see MIL once a month or so; now she's moved further away so we only really see her in the school holidays generally once in each of the Christmas, Easter and Summer holidays, sometimes a second time in Summer and maybe once more in a half term. But we see her for longer now normally at least 3-4 days at a time.

My mother, probably every 6-8 weeks. We'll either go down to her or she'll come up for a few days.

FIL we probably see a couple of times a year (although sometimes that involves visiting for a week or more). My father probably four times a year but only for a few hours at a time.

MrsTaraPlumbing · 22/08/2014 18:13

I see my family a few times a year. That is fine.

I think once a month is a lot but OK if you enjoy that time together and can fit it in.
Once a week is way would be way too often for me.
Even if my mum lived next door I think we would only PLAN to see each other once every couple of months.

My DH sees his parents more often than once a week - he pops in on them at various times, on his own, often in day time -
and sometimes he goes out with his dad (pub, football).

tarkawithaparka · 22/08/2014 18:14

I see mine most days, and I also see mil most days as she's a teacher at dd1s school. Thankfully she's fab Grin

TheRealMaryMillington · 22/08/2014 18:15

Your DP needs to get to grips with this Bambam.

Are you both on the same page with this or is he happy to spend so much time with them?

I think you should work out between you what would or could work. Your DP could take DD over for dinner when you are working, perhaps? and then, as suggested upthread you go over late Sundays on alternate weeks.

They need to be made to realise they can't dictate the terms of your contact with them, and have a bit of empathy for you.

I don't think it is unreasonable to hope to see one's child and grandchild weekly, if you live nearby but only if it is practical and agreeable to everyone.

Sallystyle · 22/08/2014 18:18

As much as possible, she works long hours so I don't get to see her as much as I want. If a week goes by where I haven't seen her I miss her. It can sometimes be once- three times a week if her hours are good or sometimes a week will go by.

I call her and text her at least once a day.

We used to see my husband's parents twice a week. Now we don't.

bubalou · 22/08/2014 18:20

My mum works a lot but anything between 1-4 times a week. We do live 5 minutes away from each other.

However my mil I avoid like the plague. Wink

Sallystyle · 22/08/2014 18:22

Oh I used to see her every day when she had a different part time job.

She would also often pop in on a break for a cup of tea as well.

I am super close to my mum.

I see my dad when someone dies at a funeral. Years can go by. Sometimes he parks outside my house to get to the dentist but doesn't come in even if it has been years since he sees me. I just know his car is there. He is an arse though.

Sallystyle · 22/08/2014 18:22

since he has seen me*

Original poster
Bambamboom · 22/08/2014 18:59

Dp is on the same page. Before we had dd we saw them every week and considering how much we worked it was very tough. Didn't have any time to enjoy being in a relationship properly as our weekends were hijacked. Confused
When we saw them once a week they would often complain about us, I'm general, especially dp about his work howd work, when's your next promotion, why haven't you got it yet? When did you last go cycling? You aren't as fit as you used to be! You aren't what we raised. You used to be such a nice boy. You don't speak to is properly, what's happened to you (apparently this has been the case since dp moved out. His mother has got very irrational and as far as I've seen my dp is a wonderful son, but they are incredibly disappoint in him.
Now we have dd, I struggle being around it. I don't want to see dd treated the same. When she behaves like a typical 18 mo and throws a bit of a wobbly mil says whats wrong with her? What's wrong with your child. My son never did this and asks us are you coping? and asks to dress her when she is round as she likes to see her grandchild dressed properly.
This is why once month is plenty enough for me

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 22/08/2014 19:05

Both sets live an hour's drive away and each come to see us once-a-week. They are great.

We are all very close. I used to not see my mum for months at a time (she lived abroad), so every week is brilliant.

catgirl1976 · 22/08/2014 19:17

I see mine at least once a week if not two or three times

We see DHs mum once a year if that (distance thing mainly, though not entirely)

TheRealMaryMillington · 22/08/2014 19:18

That sounds like a nightmare.

But imagine if they had a month to store up all their complaints………

Your DP needs to be frank and tell them how upsetting their commentary and judgement is. Why does he keep on trotting along to listen to all of that? He needs to practice being unmoved by the drama and tears.

I can see why you don't want DD to be exposed to them too much.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 22/08/2014 19:29

I don't see my parents at all. My mum died when I was 16, so I do visit her grave a couple of times a year. My dad does not deserve to be in my life any more - so I have gone totally NC. (won't go in to why, but lets just say he is not exactly a nice person).
We do however see my granddad, we aim to go every 2 to 3 weeks, but sometimes life gets in the way, and I would like to change that as he is a wonderful, funny and cheeky man who would do anything for me and the kids.
We also see a lot of my sister, which is great, our children are the same ages, so it is great for the kids too. It is like one big play date for the kids and a good natter and a brew for us grown ups.
We are pretty close, and I think that helps the kids feel they are not missing out by not seeing my Dad, as they have my Granddad and sister as my side of the family (so they hear all the embarrassing stories from my childhood... its ok though, I tell my niece and nephew stories about her too!)

As for the in-laws, we tend to see them every other week, though it varies depending on Dh's work, or other commitments. Sometimes we see them more than once in a week if something important is going on. I like that we are not set in a pattern, it means we can go when we have the time and energy.

Original poster
Bambamboom · 22/08/2014 19:29

I just think he's been brought up to be used to his mother being the way she is. It's only since having his own child he realises how damaging it can be. He's started to put his foot down but mil is a clever lady and will behave for as long as it takes to get back in the good books before she starts again.
Maybe if he keeps putting his foot down to those nasty comments they'll start to realise it's not on. I hope so.
I think if it has to be once a week, once a week for a cup of tea and a catch up is fine.

OP posts:
DizzyKipper · 22/08/2014 20:28

God reading through your posts they really do sound awful, I agree entirely - once a month is more than enough. Can you not just ignore the tears and melodrama and stick to your guns? You're right to be concerned for DD, that's no way for them to speak about her and over time and as she understands more it will have an effect.

Original poster
Bambamboom · 22/08/2014 20:36

We do try to ignore it best we can, but a lot of the time she won't be ignored. It's tough. We have just left on several occasions when she wouldn't stop crying and throwing insults and them she will strop for a few days and try and work her way back in.
Thing is it's hard to forgive her over and over again, because of her behaviour I find it tough being around both of them (mainly because her husband lets her treat us like this) so it's better to see her less, for me anyway.
I do worry about my dd and them though. If they take her when she's a bit older and understands what we are saying and they get their digs in...it has really affected dp, so would upset my dd for sure

OP posts:
CheerfulYank · 22/08/2014 20:39

My parents live a five hour drive away, so we see them every month or so. We go to theirs in the summer and over the autumn long weekend (that DS has off from school) and around Christmas.

The in laws are a 15 minute drive so we see them for a bit probably once a week. They have DS on Wednesdays after school and DH goes there and picks him up and they stay for dinner. He usually takes the DC to theirs for a bit at the weekend too. Sometimes I go.

partyskirt · 22/08/2014 20:51

lol thought this thread was going to be about something else entirely!

OP YANBU -- even our favourite set of parents (i.e. mine) we only see once every six weeks max.

HumblePieMonster · 22/08/2014 21:39

When I was completely estranged from my mum, I saw her about once a month. All other times, weekly or more frequently.

My dad is on his own now, and I see him almost every day, for a couple of hours. He likes to be visited in the early evening as it 'breaks the day up' for him.

If my daughter decided to see me only once a month, I'd be very, very sad.

I'd move to Wales. She likes Wales. She'd either visit more often or stay longer....

MrsMook · 22/08/2014 21:44

Mil is in another country so about twice a year, but they tend to be longer visits. DM is an hour away and that's variable. Probably every 4 to 8 weeks depending on how busy we are as it's hard to match available days.

WyrdByrd · 22/08/2014 21:44

Sunday is my parent's day.

DD & I go round from about 11-3/4 in the winter and 12-7 in the summer when DH is playing cricket.

DD gets lots of attention and I don't have to cook Grin . That said the relentless expectation that is now attached to the arrangement does get wearing, but I'm an only child with no other local family so I generally suck it up and get on with it.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 22/08/2014 21:46

Having heard about your MIL's behaviour, I would think that setting very firm boundaries around when you want to visit and what her behaviour should be would be a good idea. Why are they deciding the amount? I would just decide what is reasonable, I would think once every two weeks max, and then if during the visit she says something rude or has a paddy or cries, you just get up and go.

Your husband needs to be very calm and assertive, my MIL has learned the hard way that having tantrums (like a toddler!) doesn't work with us now and is quite well behaved as is quite normal with emotionally manipulative people, she can be nice, she just doesn't choose to as you don't demand it.

aprilanne · 22/08/2014 21:47

when my darling mum living .saw her most days .we lived in the same street .inlaws once a week .never would be nice but hey ho .

Pico2 · 22/08/2014 21:47

We see my parents every 3 or 4 weeks and inlaws about every 6 weeks as they are further away. But it always fits around other things.

Pipbin · 22/08/2014 21:49

I'm a bad daughter, I think I see them once a year.

Swipe left for the next trending thread