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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think once a month is enough

218 replies

Bambamboom · 22/08/2014 14:14

How often do you see your parents? I see my mum about once a month, obviously depending on life, sometimes I'm too busy sometimes she is. We will spend the day together with dd and do something nice, we like this arrangement.
However in laws expect every week, considering dp works long hours and I'll be returning to work soon, I don't see how that would work. If my mum demanded once a week along with them, we wouldn't actually get one day as a family.
Maybe I'm wrong, but I think once a week is a bit much, I mean...feel free to pop by for a cup of tea but once a week for an entire day...every Saturday? Really?
Anyway, how often does everyone see their parents/ in laws.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 23/08/2014 13:47

So say No for him!

exexpat · 23/08/2014 13:48

Even when they're adults, freedom2post?

Obviously it's difficult to imagine when they're little, but I hope my DCs will go off and explore the world like I did, and not stay tied to my apron strings/living round the corner.

freedom2post · 23/08/2014 13:50

Intresting point though .. assuming most people on this thread are women then the old saying about grown up sons not seeing their parents as much as daughters do would seem to hold true.

Whenever that is mentioned on here directly a million parents of sons come on to give examples of how they know loads of boys that are closer to their parents than the daughters.

But when an indirect thread like this comes around, a different story emerges ..

freedom2post · 23/08/2014 13:52

I want them to travel and see the world.

But to have grandchildren I would barely see or know .. heartbreaking

Nanny0gg · 23/08/2014 13:53

Obviously it's difficult to imagine when they're little, but I hope my DCs will go off and explore the world like I did, and not stay tied to my apron strings/living round the corner.

One of my DCs has moved back to our village with their family. 5 minute walk away.

Another works in the village but lives 20 minutes away.

Lovely!

freedom2post · 23/08/2014 13:56

Not that I would tell my dc it was heartbreaking obv!

Its their life to live and I have no intention of being a mother who uses guilt trips to influence their lives.

I just hope they would want to come back and be close to us ..

MrsTaraPlumbing · 23/08/2014 14:18

OP.
Now I have read your other posts, I think why would YOU want to spend any time with MIL at all?
She is not your mum you owe her nothing so if she is not bringing anything positive to your life drop her now.
Life is too short to waste with negative people who drag you down.

I know a number of women who spend NO time with the inlaws so you will not be the only one.
As for your DP - he may want to see them their his parents so that is understandable. BUt that alone is not a good reason to inflict them on you and your children.

If you do want to see her you set the boundaries and that is it. It may also be good to have a no home visits rule - so you can only see each other when out on neutral ground.

Original poster

Bambamboom · 23/08/2014 14:20

I want dd to have a good relationship with her grandparents and I want to be able to trust that my mil will treat my dd well as she grows up but if I judge by the way my mil treats her own son I'm not sure she will.
It's a very tough situation because my dd loves her grandad and other than allowing his wife to treat their son like a child at the age of 27 and use emotional blackmail (dp says she's done it all his life) to her her way he is a lovely man.
So we have to see them, I just wish it was on more relaxed terms and they would just pop over to see us and have a cuppa rather than demanding our time and causing issues when we don't give it.
I'd feel so upset if my daughter felt like this about seeing me, but I wouldn't treat my child like she does hers, ever.
I see my mum because I want to, it's enjoyable because she is understanding that I'm an adult and just pops by to see me if she misses me rather than calling up balling her eyes out.
But hey, guess mil is only human.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bambamboom · 23/08/2014 14:28

I don't really want to spend time with her when she behaves like this. It's exhausting, we've just had another huge argument because do agreed to Sunday lunch knowing I wouldn't want to and I'm sick of it. I should've said no but mil waits until I'm away.
Dp is still cling on hoping they change

OP posts:

Marylou2 · 23/08/2014 14:36

My parents 3 times a week, very close. DHs 3 times a year. Suits us all.

5toocoolforschool · 23/08/2014 15:34

In laws and own parents between 2-5 times a year,they both live hours away.

I don,t think i would like to live local to family,i know most people do andit seems like they all live in each others pockets,i certainly would hate people expecting to "have" my children one day a week or to spend whole days together.I like being a long way from them because we are free to do what we want without them disapproving or trying to help,plus when we do see them its more special and there,s more to say.

Frikadellen · 23/08/2014 15:37

MIL once a month (speak regular)

my parents both live in Denmark so rarely :)

I speak w my dad every 2nd Thursday my mother perhaps twice a year.

Nanny0gg · 23/08/2014 17:28

want dd to have a good relationship with her grandparents and I want to be able to trust that my mil will treat my dd well as she grows up but if I judge by the way my mil treats her own son I'm not sure she will. It's a very tough situation because my dd loves her grandad and other than allowing his wife to treat their son like a child at the age of 27 and use emotional blackmail (dp says she's done it all his life) to her her way he is a lovely man. So we have to see them,

This post is full of hope not backed up by experience.

If you can't trust your MIL to treat your DD properly, what kind of relationship will that be? And your FiL can always come around separately.

You either put your foot down or put up with it.

Original poster

Bambamboom · 23/08/2014 17:31

Yep. I know she's never going to change it's the sh*t I get off dp about how is dad is great with dd and refusal to stand up for us.
Guess I just have to stand up for me and dd myself.
I would have loved my dd to have a relationship with mil but I would have loved a nice mil too.
Such a shame

OP posts:

FryOneFatManic · 23/08/2014 18:02

freedom2post

If you want DC to want to come and see you, it's the letting go that matters.

In this situation, the OPs MIL is not letting go of her son, she's making demands and trying to monopolise his and his family's free time. All this is doing is building up resentment in her DIL (the OP), and building up problems between the OP and her DH, because he's been conditioned by his upbringing to put his mum first, and this is happening ahead of the needs of his immediate family, ie his wife and child.

It's that old saying "If you love someone, set them free". Being possessive is going to have the opposite effect.

ChocolateWombat · 23/08/2014 19:07

I don't think there is a correct amount of time to see parents or inlaws. It depends on how close they live to you, how close your relationship is and what you BOTH want.
Establishing a pattern which works for BOTH sides is so important. It is easier if established early on, but things like having children can alter the amount of time spent together.
If you feel once a week is too much, you need to politely and kindly make that clear, or better still, get your DP to do so. It can be said in a way that isn't saying you don't want to see them, but making clear all the things you have to fit into your busy weeks. At the same time, be clear about the level of contact you do want to have. If you want a regular arrangement, such as Sunday together once a month, then that is fine, if you want it more flexible, such as getting together, but not for the whole day a couple of times a month, then that is fine too. The conversation needs to be carried out kindly, but also firmly.
However, if you establish that less contact is needed, you need to appreciate that it might then be difficult to ask for last minute baby sitting etc.
If you have a domineering MIL who is keen to have her own way, then you need to be very firm about it. If she ignores what you say and keeps inviting you over or asking to come to yours, you need to not cave in and be clear each time that you need that time for other things.

Probably most important in all this, is that you and DP are agreed about it all and present a united and consistent front to the inlaws. If he is likely to just want to please his mother, or not prepared to have the conversation, or to follow through on what is said, you probably won't get anywhere with changing it all. If this is the case, I think your issue is with him and not the inlaws, and working this through between you might be the most important thing.

Lara2 · 23/08/2014 20:28

MIL - about once a year, she lives in another country. DH is happy with this - they're not close. He sees his GM every week - she's 97 and lives round the corner.
I see my dad at least once a week - lives a few streets away. My mum died a couple of years ago and I didn't see much of them in her last few weeks - busy with work etc. I regret that so badly (her death was sudden and very unexpected) so made the decision that I wouldn't make the same mistake again.
However, each to their own. If my mum had been as selfish and self centred as MIL then I would have seen very little of her!

Purplehonesty · 23/08/2014 21:46

Once a week for my husbands family - all close and I love them to bits. The kids adore going to see them so we go swimming or out for lunch or just pop over to see them. About half an hour away.
My mum not so much, she is closer and pops in maybe once a week for ten mins but other than that we don't see her much. She is busy with her new husband!

Beastofburden · 23/08/2014 22:11

When I first got married my mIl sulked for a year cos she was used to having DH every fortnight, I though that was just weird.

I told her: a weekend once a month each for you, my parents, our friends and ourselves. That's fair and it's all we can do.

She was livid and only cheered up when I started sprogging. But years on, she has forgotten all about it.

Nanny0gg · 23/08/2014 23:49

So, as is often the case, your problem is with your DP.

Well, he can visit on his own. That might wake him up.

NAR4 · 24/08/2014 00:46

My own parents, maybe twice a year, but honestly never would be better. My in laws, anything from 4 days a wk to 1 a month, all depending on what everyone is doing. I mostly see my mil when my dh is at work.

On another subject we have just separated so o idea how the ex in law thing will work.

perthmom · 24/08/2014 02:16

We used to see DH's parents weekly/fortnightly and I hated it. MIL very bossy and interfering. Then I toughened up and told DH it was too often, he could still go if he wished but I would go less often. Now we've got DCs, we probably see them once a month, and even then I don't always go. I go and visit my own mum once a week as we're close, DH generally only sees her couple of times a year.

Karsyn · 24/08/2014 02:24

I live far from family and see my dad about twice a year. We talk every month or so. I see my mother more like once every 5 years and we talk once a year. Not close.

bedraggledmumoftwo · 24/08/2014 06:27

Agree it is largely your dp that is the problem, he needs to learn to stand up to her, especially if he knows you don't want to go.

we had a very similar situation, my mil is a real piece of work, and we had ww3 when he tried to talk to them rationally about all the other demands on his time meaning we couldn't see them as often as they liked. After i brokered a peace deal, it was very cathartic to take the opportunity to give her a real lecture on how her son was NOT a disappointment, he was a good husband and father, he worked hard, and to write him off just because he couldn't see them as often as they liked was just plain wrong. I told them he wasn't a drug dealer, or a murderer or anything else that might be worthy of her venom and to get a grip. As i say, very cathartic. Of course, she reacted to all this with a cats bum face and then burst into tears about the time her birthday card was late (when her flowers had arrived on time and we had driven a hundred miles to surprise her on her birthday, but god forbid forgot the card.

i, too live in fear of the day one of her dgcs will become "disappointing" too, and every second they spend with her is against my better judgement. Yours sounds v similar, i would say once a month is more than enough, but you need to get your dp on the same page.

SnookyPooky · 24/08/2014 08:07

When I lived in UK I saw my Mum one or two times a week, my Dad once.a week. I never visited MIL because we don't get on. DH went on his own.

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