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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think once a month is enough

218 replies

Bambamboom · 22/08/2014 14:14

How often do you see your parents? I see my mum about once a month, obviously depending on life, sometimes I'm too busy sometimes she is. We will spend the day together with dd and do something nice, we like this arrangement.
However in laws expect every week, considering dp works long hours and I'll be returning to work soon, I don't see how that would work. If my mum demanded once a week along with them, we wouldn't actually get one day as a family.
Maybe I'm wrong, but I think once a week is a bit much, I mean...feel free to pop by for a cup of tea but once a week for an entire day...every Saturday? Really?
Anyway, how often does everyone see their parents/ in laws.
Grin

OP posts:
EmeraldLion · 22/08/2014 16:17

My mum, probably 3 times a week. But nothing regular, just ad hoc for most of the time. Sometimes for a whole day, sometimes a couple of hours or an afternoon and sometimes for a ten minute cup of tea, or to drop off a DVD or something.

MIL, probably only once a week for an hour or so. She lives 2 minutes away, has an open invite to visit (we can't really visit her house is very unsuitable for dc), doesn't work or do anything much. But she needs her 'space' and likes 'her own company'. We have an almost daily Facebook update from her, comments about how she loves her grand kids, they're her world, her life etc (for the benefit of her fb friends) so it does grate on me that she doesn't bother to see them that much.

Lweji · 22/08/2014 16:21

It depends, but I could never do once a week as a proper visit.

We live close by and we sometimes talk and see each other often. At other times we see a lot less of each other. Then my mother calls because she misses me. :)

I already have busy Saturdays for the most part of the year and I like to have Sunday to do very little or take off somewhere.

melissa83 · 22/08/2014 16:26

every day. There are loads of things about the pair of them that piss me off but I see all myfamily every day

hmc · 22/08/2014 16:27

If my parents were an hour away I'd do once a month
If they were less than half an hour it would be weekly - but probably just a 'pop in' for a cup of tea for an hour
As it is they live 300 miles way so it's about 3x per year for a few days stay each time

Lweji · 22/08/2014 16:32

When we lived in different countries we'd phone once a week.

Oldraver · 22/08/2014 16:38

OH's parents are dead..mine we have just seen last week and when they bought DS back on Tuesday... we last saw them in January.

We seem to go a while them around Christmas there can be a few visits as the call in on the way on holiday, on the way back and we have several birthdays in December and January

Every week would be too much

DizzyKipper · 22/08/2014 16:40

I see my mum pretty much every week, I don't always want to tbh but DD really loves seeing her and I know it's a good thing really even if I can't be arsed. However I only see her this often as we can meet on weekdays, I wouldn't be prepared to sacrifice a day every single weekend - I really value mine, DH's, and DD's lone family time plus it's generally our only time to do jobs around the house/have fun.

I have a fortnightly arrangement with MIL, again during the week. We take it in turns to visit one another and I always make sure to contact her on 'my' weeks, though as she often forgets/can't be arsed to get in contact on 'her' weeks visits turn out to be less than fortnightly.

FIL is every 2 months as he lives 2hrs away.

HerRoyalNotness · 22/08/2014 16:48

exInlaws expected once a week for sunday dinner

Current inlaws when we lived nearby we were there every frigging day after work picking up our dog. So good of them to have her, but seriously, we'd sit and chat for 60-90mins and couldn't get DH out of the house! After that, was about once a week, then we moved abroad so only see them once every 3years Sad

My parents, when we lived in same country, hardly ever, too demanding, now n/c. Dad, every 6yrs or so Sad

So hard living away. If I lived in home country would probably see dad monthly. If we lived in DH home country, would probably see inlaws biweekly for longer visit, weekly for quick one.

Mominatrix · 22/08/2014 16:54

More than one every two years is too often in terms of my inlaws. Ideally, once every 5 years.

I see my parents at least once a year. However, that once comprises at least a 6 week stay.

KitKat1985 · 22/08/2014 17:02

I probably see my parents 1-2 times a week, and they live about half an hours drive away. I work full time so it's not normally for a full day, but usually an hour or two / half a day dependent on what we're doing and how busy I am. I usually make extra contact with them outside of this though (sending text messages etc every few days).

DH probably sees his parents at about the same frequency (i.e, about 1-2 times a week), but I usually only pop over with him to see them 1-2 times a month. They are about 45 mins - 1 hours drive away. When we first started dating they wanted me to come over every sodding Saturday that I wasn't working for lunch and I got really fed up with it after a while as 'lunch' seemed to last from about 12 until about 4-5pm. Given that I don't get many weekends off anyway (I probably work 2 out of every 3) it was becoming a real pain in the arse giving up all of our weekend days together (DH has a Mon-Fri type job so when I get days off at the weekends are our only chance for days off together) so I slowly decreased the frequency of going over and now I seem to have succeeded in breaking the habit.

The lesson here is that I would advise not to get into any routines (e.g, visiting the same day every week) as it becomes a chore, and then it becomes an expectation that you will be seeing them on a certain day no matter what else you have on. Also meet in different places (sometimes at houses, sometimes in cafes, etc) as it stops the whole thing getting too tedious (also if you don't want a long visit going to a café for lunch or similar usually guarantees a max 90 minute visit rather than a whole day).

Best of luck!

TSSDNCOP · 22/08/2014 17:07

My mum every day.

DH sees his mum once or twice a week.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 22/08/2014 17:09

About every 2 months for both sets (they live about 5 hours away) - we try and stagger this so that we see one set each month, nicer for the DC and better than having them back to back! They stay for 2-4 nights each time. I'd rather they live about an hour away and come just for the day more frequently, but that's not going to happen.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 22/08/2014 17:16

I think you should suggest fortnightly and perhaps have tea and cake on a Sunday afternoon. Or I like the Friday evening get together too keeping weekend free. A whole day once a week is too much.

teenagetantrums · 22/08/2014 17:28

My kids now only have my dad as a grandparent, we see him as a family about twice/three times a year but speak to him a few times a week, my kids are teenagers now and go and stay with him a few times a year, and maintain their own relationship with him via txt and skype. he doesn't seem that keen to visit here anymore and that's ok with me.

When kids were younger we saw my parents about once a month, for a whole weekend and they took the kids on holiday for a week every year. The inlaws lived down the road and I saw them once a week for a quick cuppa they were not interested in the kids or me really so 30 mins once a week was fine.

Do whatever makes you happy I would never block out a whole day of every week for family.

Sootgremlin · 22/08/2014 17:31

We see my parents roughly once a week, but it can run to fortnightly/every six weeks depending on how busy we all are. I'm a SAHM and they are retired so it doesn't take any family time, my DH sees them for dinner in the evening when he get in. We try and see them on a weekend every couple of months too.

In laws it used to be weekly when we lived close by, again this was during the week with just me and the kids, DH would pop round weekly for a cup of tea/lunch, and we would try and have a day of a weekend with them every three weeks or so. They would have loved more but we found it too stressful, not enough time to get everything done on a weekend and see friends etc.

Now we've moved away we try and see them every 6 weeks for a longer visit. We'd like it to be more often for less time when we are less busy ideally. It's hard finding the right balance.

UnrelatedToElephants · 22/08/2014 17:32

Both sets of ours are miles away (thankfully) so every 2 months or so. With phonecalls, skype sessions, and facebook chat, it's enough.

thatsn0tmyname · 22/08/2014 17:35

Both are local so we see my mum at least once a week. In term time she kindly has DD once a week whilst I work. My dad died in February so I like to keep a close eye on her. My ILs also kindly have DD once a week in term time and we tend to see them once a month at the weekend. I think once a weekend is too much in your case. You need family time. I think every 3-4 weeks is more than enough.

bedraggledmumoftwo · 22/08/2014 17:43

We see my parents once a month. In laws moved around the corner against dh's express wishes, and a bad history. I see them every week as they take dd1 for a couple of hours midweek, but they don't see dh then. We try to manage expectations and keep to once a month at the weekend and are always making up excuses/favours/errands to see us more.

bedraggledmumoftwo · 22/08/2014 17:44

Although the pressure has eased since they got what they wanted- spending time with dd1.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 22/08/2014 17:47

See parents most half-terms/hols - live about 100 miles away (slightly less?)
Usually also see DSis and family and sometimes DBro and family at the same time.
Often stay 3 nights, with a London outing in the middle day.

Recent pattern with PIL's has been they come and visit us for a day in the summer and we go for a walk together in local woods. We have sometimes seen them at Christmas too.
MIL died a few years ago so this is FIL and second wife (of 40 yrs+ marriage)
When MIL was with us we'd see her more often too (at least several times a year) but then we lived in/near London too then.

Interesting to read how often others see rellies. Makes me think p'haps we should make more effort to be sociable. Think it is important to try to make sure everyone's OK as much as you can. Sometimes that can be a huge ask though?

Playdoughcaterpillar · 22/08/2014 18:00

Yes nice a month is absolutely enough, esp if you are both working full time. Harder to manage if they live close though. Stand your ground from the start.

deepbluetr · 22/08/2014 18:03

My mother lives with us.

Original poster
Bambamboom · 22/08/2014 18:04

I think it's the weekend thing that gets me, all day thing too.
I work long hours as does dp, I have unsociable hours and work 15 he shifts for half the week (7am - 10pm) it exhausts me and leaves me just wanting some time with dd to relax and do the "mummy" things I've missed out on throughout the week.
By Friday it feels like I need to sit down with dp and introduce myself to him again as we've hardly seen each other. Maybe we work too much, maybe they ask a bit too
Much knowing how much I work.
But this you must see us every week with out fail and it will be a special occasion or else I'll cry and tell you you've failed me things is just too much.
Just pop over, show your face, play with dd and have a chat of you miss us, the expectations is stressing me right out and it's exhausting keeping them happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bambamboom · 22/08/2014 18:06

In case anyone hasn't noticed my in laws aren't easy characters either. Just an hour with them is exhausting and we leave feeling depressed Smile

OP posts:
chickydoo · 22/08/2014 18:08

Inlaws, both dead Hmm
My lovely Mum dead Hmm
My Dad. I would see him every day if I could, I adore him, we all do. Due to work, life & the fact that my brother & sisters families all want to see him lots too. I guess I see him every 10 days.