To think once a month is enough

[Bambamboom]

How often do you see your parents? I see my mum about once a month, obviously depending on life, sometimes I'm too busy sometimes she is. We will spend the day together with dd and do something nice, we like this arrangement.
However in laws expect every week, considering dp works long hours and I'll be returning to work soon, I don't see how that would work. If my mum demanded once a week along with them, we wouldn't actually get one day as a family.
Maybe I'm wrong, but I think once a week is a bit much, I mean...feel free to pop by for a cup of tea but once a week for an entire day...every Saturday? Really?
Anyway, how often does everyone see their parents/ in laws.

since my MIL passed away two years ago DH takes the kids over to see his dad every Saturday afternoon and I go once a month at the moment coz I'm busy and can work when they're gone but usually every second week. then FIL might call out to us to mind the kids for a couple of hours for me and have his dinner midweek once in a while too.

we go to my parents for sunday dinner every week, although the odd time DH stays at home for some alone time.

sometimes it does feel like a chore but i'm so glad that my kids get so much time with their grandparents, who they adore and i'm very aware that they won't be around forever. if we had space i'd love to be able to repay my parents or FIL for all they have done for us over the years by having them live with us if they couldn't live alone anymore.

OP, you really have my sympathies, this sounds like an awful situation to be in. My mil is not completely dissimilar but over the years DH has learnt how best to manage her, but not without significant emotional trauma on his part. Fortunately she lives 2 hours away & doesn't like being in other peoples houses, so we see her approx once a month for the day, which suits us all well I think. She does adore the GC & doesn't give them the same shit she does DH & he works hard to prevent any emotional baggage spilling into time with us (he does this on the phone in between visits!) add into this we have three other sets of grandparents to see who are all desperate for time with their GC so that also helps keep her at bay (although we don't have much time without extended family)

Like others have said, I suggest you put down some v firm boundaries with her in terms of time to what suits you. You & your dp are not responsible for their emotions & she will just have to accept your terms eventually-not without a fuss I know, but worth it to keep your family sane. So if you just say once a month, what's the worst she can say-she will have to say yes! Ultimately I think your dp needs to put you & your dd first, not his mother ! It's his job to protect your dd from this kind of behaviour as it will at some point affect her too....it's not easy but can be done.

I see my mum probably 5 times per week for a quick chat but only live 5 minutes from her and the dc like going there to see her.
Dh might see her once per week as he works and we usually go straight after school when he is at work.
She is getting older and on her own so I don't like to leave it too long without seeing her. She is a very proud lady and dislikes asking for help so I go regularly to keep a check on her too.
Not seen fil and step mil for nearly 3 years. Both relatively fit and healthy, both drive and are now retired. A 2 hour drive for them, more for us with toilet stops etc. Last time we saw them we went there (with 3 young dc and all paraphernalia). I sometimes text them and they sometimes text me. Dh rings on birthdays / xmas / fathers day etc.

Mil we see about every 3 months or so for the day. This is enough for me and dh. Not enough at all for her. We (mil and I) dont particularly get on, we tolerate each other. Dh sometimes meets her halfway and I stay at home. She talks the talk of being a good grandparent but sadly she ignores the dc and focuses on dh all the time; following him round and getting in his personal space with her cleavage hanging out grim.
She doesnt drive and lives about 2 hours away.

What I find with DH's dad (his mum is dead), and actually alot of his family, is that it only takes one or two visits for them to believe that something is a regular, immovable thing. So, if they come the last Saturday of the month twice in a row, that then becomes set in stone in their eyes, and it is 'see you next Saturday, last Saturday of the month, AS USUAL...'

I've just had my third baby and DH's dad visited last time (when I had DC2) when I was in hospital. He really fucked me off as he turned up with his own mum as well as his wife (without asking), stayed for absolutely ages and even crashed the moment DS1 met his new brother for the first time (again, he didn't ask if it was OK). We ended up with 6 people in a tiny hospital room for 3 hours, plus the baby....only one day after my c section. I was livid.

This time around, he assumed he could come and visit in the hospital again, and again, on a day and time of his choosing (less than a day after the section, which would have made him the very first visitor). And again, he wanted to coincide it with my two boys meeting their new sister for the first time. We said a flat 'no' and there was some sulking, as I understand it.

Just FUCK OFF. I don't think GPs have many rights in the eyes of the law; they see DC at the discretion of the parents. My in laws would do well to remember that. If you behave like a pushy arsehole, you will get shut out. Simple as that.

I wouldn't mind if he was great with the kids, but he often ignores them when he visits. He seems to want all the great things about being a hands on GP without any of the commitment, time or love involved in having a relationship with his GC.

It's weird and I have no time for it. My DH doesn't stand up to him enough but is getting better as I take no shit.

That would annoy me OP. We see inlaws who live an hour away on a fortnightly basis (unless THEY are busy) - they do assume we are free but will stay away if we specifically say we have something on, though sometimes they insist on coming 'afterwards' for an hour or two. Often it's helpful, but often I just can't be bothered - it feels like we just saw them. My husband has an intense job (I am about to go on mat leave) and we really need the weekends for family time). I certainly couldn't see the inlaws more than fortnightly. They are nice enough but there's always certain things you have to do differently than if you were home alone.

My parents are at the other end of the country so we see them 3-6 times a year, and normally they'll stay nearby for a day or two or we'll stay with them. I wouldn't even want to see my parents every weekend! If they were local and I could see them briefly in the week (goes for inlaws too), fine - but all day things can't be that frequent.

I moved 50 miles away a year and I don't drive so I see them once every two or three months, maybe. It's an hour on a train and then another hour on a bus each way so not a journey that I'm keen to do regularly. We're not a super close family anyway and we text a lot so I don't feel like I'm missing anything.

My parents live about 9 miles away. I see my dad every couple of weeks as he often helps me with my garden. I see mum perhaps once a month. They usually come to us - if we had a car, we'd probably go to theirs more, but it's a PITA to get to on public transport.

DH's parents live about 40 miles away and we get the train to see them every 2-3 months. All his sibilings live close to his parents too, so we always combine the visit. It's just occured to me that DH's parents have never been to visit us, it's always us that goes to them - had never considered that before!

My mum between once every two weeks and once a month depending on my schedule - she's nice so that frequency suits me. Dad (still lives with mum) once every 3 months, he's horrible, wish we never saw him. In-laws once every couple of months but for two days at a time as they're not local. I think that's about right, they're annoying but mean well.

Depends - will see my mum three times this week; at my sisters yesterday as it was mums birthday, in Wednesday when she's going to look after DS1 and on Saturday when she babysits for us. But it could be a few weeks after that before we see her again, there's no regular arrangement.

We see FiL maybe every other week, he calls in or takes us out for dinner. Again nothing regular.

I work with someone who is really close to her mum and dad, they go on holiday together which I find odd, but I know it's pretty common.

I see my mum around 2-3 times a week, as we spend days together shopping or go for lunch. We probably visit my dparents properly once a month for an afternoon all together and dinner.

Pils less often as they are a pain in the arse and cause us nothing but stress. If they had their way, we would see them every week, and lay on the guilt trips and emotional blackmail if we don't see them often enough for their liking. If we saw them every week both dh and I would go bonkers.

My parents, never....they live in another country. In laws....twice a year and they live half a mile away. My daughter I see a couple of times a week. We go for coffee, shopping and lunch. Have a laugh and we are best friends.

My parents live in another country, they come to stay about three times a year and stay for about two weeks, we go to them once a year again for about two weeks. I would love to see my parents weekly for dinner.

We see the in laws about once every 6-8 weeks. They live three hours away. When we see them we stay with them or they with us for the whole weekend.

TBH the children love love love them and time with their grandparents mean the world to them. I haven't read all the thread but I would suggest they babysit your dd one day a week then when you and your dh pick her up you stay for dinner. Of course you still have to be home in time for your dd's bedtime routine so you only stay an hour but your dd gets to spend the day with them and them with her.

My ex FIL was at our home every breakfast, lunch and just before teatime...that is a smidge too much. My MIL was once a month. They lived next door. Hence the ex..

We are a very close family and live about 10 mins away from each other. I see my parents (taking my 2 year old and baby) every day. My grandad has just lost his wife (nan) so he comes round to mums every day as does my sister with her 1 year old. We rarely argue, have babysitters on tap and my children have very very close relationships with everyone in my family. To be fair, my parents live in an enormous house on a smallholding so it's a lovely place to be and we are not all on top of each other.

The other good side of it is that if any of the children are ill or one of us has had a bad night then there is always someone to help you. We also have lots of days out together. Obviously it only works as we are all either stay at home mums or retired.

DHs family is completely different, live miles away and see each other once a month if that.

I'm sure our family set up must seem strange to some but we genuinely enjoy each other's company and after a hard few years of illness and bereavement we all appreciate each other more than ever

OlderMummy1 your family set up sounds idyllic. I would have loved that. Enjoy.

Both my parents are dead. We see inlaws three times a week for free childcare and sometimes the occasional weekend bbq/pub meal.

I see my DM at least every 3 weeks but sometimes it is weekly or fortnightly - totally depends on what is going on. She lives 40 mins away but is on her own since DF died 6 years ago so I like to keep an eye on her. The PILs, however, live in the same village as us which is fab, as they are great with ad hoc babysitting but also nice to see them, normally for a cuppa. DSS has a weekly afterschool visit with them which includes tea so once a week I get a break and can do stuff just with toddler DS and DSS gets lovely 2-1 attention.

Saw my parents and in-laws every 3 weeks for 25 years. My fil died just before our second anniversary, and my df 8 years after that.

They both lived 50 miles away, but about 10 miles apart. We used to go to my parents for lunch - arrive after 11 and leave about 5. Then we'd be at mil's until 2am - even when she lived at sil's for 7 years after fil died.

We reckoned that it was worth ruining 1 complete day.

Mil had anxiety neuroses, and so never got through the grieving process after fil died, so it was tough going to see her, as she didn't accept me for the first 10 years we were married. She was fine beforehand until she realised that her youngest ds was going to get married, leave home, stop paying her gas and elec bills and move out of Liverpool (even worse, go "over the water").

There was a period of about 4 years when after leaving after 2 in the morning we'd be driving home along the Dock road to go to Preston up the A59 in a clapped out car and get stopped by the police every time. When they saw us both they just used to wish us a safe journey home. Had it been just dh on his own, they'd have probably searched the car to make sure he hadn't been nicking stuff from the docks.

Eventually, I was much closer to my mil than I'd ever been to my own dm who tricked us into selling our home and going to live with her. That ended in tears, and we left after 6 months, and I only spoke to her once in the 20 years before she died.

I hope we see more of dd than that, but I doubt it. She's at lycée 130 miles away and has moved into a studio for her last year. She's then planning to do a course in Paris - 600km away - and live in Reims after that. At the same time we're planning on selling up and moving 120 further away.

We're likely to end up in a small village, and dd wants to be a tattoo artist, so I imagine we won't see that much of her.