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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to bring MIL & FIL up on this regarding DD's & DSS?

215 replies

Fatshionista · 15/08/2011 19:13

DSS is 2.6 and has been staying with MIL and FIL every Friday to Sunday since he was born and DH was living with them. DH moved in with me when he came back to me and DD1 when DSS was 6 months old and since then DSS has spent every Friday night and Saturday morning with MIL and then comes to us Saturday afternoon until Sunday evening.

My issue is that while MIL is happy to have DSS overnight and spends so much time with him she barely sees our DD's (3 and 8 months) even though we live around the corner. She won't take them on days out like she does with DSS, doesn't have or even offer to babysit/have them for a few hours but if she doesn't see DSS on a Friday gets irritable.

AIBU to feel hurt and quite resentful? It's not so much that I want her to have the DD's for me but the offer would be lovely. It's all about DD1 was around nine months before DSS was born.

What makes it worse is that DD1 is asking why she doesn't ever go out with Nan and Grandad and DH doesn't see it as a problem because "It's always been this way, they like to see him". Great, see him but don't not see DD's :(

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fatshionista · 15/08/2011 19:15

"It's all about DD1 was around nine months before DSS was born."

That doesn't make sense. I mean it's not about the fact DSS is PFB as DD1 was born nine months before DSS and was involved with them as much as grandparents would be to a breastfed baby who lived three miles away.

OP posts:
EuphemiaMcGonagall · 15/08/2011 19:17

So, to clarify, you and DH had DD1 then he tiggered off with someone else and had DSS? Then DH came back and you had DD2?

Where is DSS's mum in all this?

BBQFrenzy · 15/08/2011 19:18

Sorry, so your DH had an affair during your pregnancy with DD1 and DSS was born 9 months after your DD1 and you've now got back together but your MIL is treating DSS like the golden GC - is that right?

Original poster
Fatshionista · 15/08/2011 19:20

DH and I were seeing each other and DD1 was an unplanned pregnancy. We were together but went through some issues and he was a twat and had a one night stand resulting in DSS but we ended up getting back together, getting married and having DD2 two years later. DSS' mum lives a few miles away and they get on for DSS' sake and DH has access to DSS every weekend from a Friday to a Sunday evening but MIL has him Friday night. DSS' mum knows about this and is happy with this arrangement.

OP posts:
Solola · 15/08/2011 19:21

Sorry if I'm not understanding this correctly - but your DH had his son 9 months after your DD was born?

I think it is natural for you to feel hurt and upset, especially since your DD has started to ask questions about it. So YANBU in my opinion. Have you spoken to your MIL about it directly at all or do you not have that kind of relationship?

Solola · 15/08/2011 19:22

x posts

Original poster
Fatshionista · 15/08/2011 19:22

Yes, I'm sorry if I wasn't clear.

DH cheated on me when I was pregnant and we 'had a break' because things weren't right. He came back with his tail between his legs professing his love and two months later we found out the girl was pregnant.

OP posts:
RitaMorgan · 15/08/2011 19:23

Sounds to me like your PIL are just trying to make up to DSS for the shit situation he was born into.

Your DDs have both parents living with them, maybe your PIL don't think the girls need them as much as their grandson does?

Original poster
Fatshionista · 15/08/2011 19:25

I feel quite hurt by it. I know MIL and FIL love that he's a little boy but to treat him so differently is upsetting. It's not like they're making up for the time they don't have with him as they only ever see DD's when they drop DSS off on the weekends for half an hour max, sometimes not even ten minutes yet he stayed around theirs, had presents bought for him and they go out for a day out walking or shopping every single saturday so it's natural DD1 has picked up on it.

OP posts:
EuphemiaMcGonagall · 15/08/2011 19:25

Just what I was going to say, Rita.

Original poster
Fatshionista · 15/08/2011 19:27

I've thought about that Rita but DSS' mum is married and has another baby on the way, they own their own house, they both work and have a good, stable life as far as everyone is aware (certainly more financially better off than us).

DH doesn't see it as an issue and it's not so much about me but I don't want the DD's to feel so crap as they grow up.

I've spoken to MIL (well, DH has) and they're refusing to budge but with no reasoning.

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 15/08/2011 19:28

Perhaps they feel the DSS needs more input in his life than the others given he doesnt live with his father. I think its fab they have such a great relationship with him given the circumstances.

You can have free time whenever you like as DH lives with you and can take over so perhaps she rightly feels that you dont need a sitter.

SingingTunelessly · 15/08/2011 19:28

Can't you and DH have DSS from the Friday to the Sunday instead of him staying with the Grandparents? Just thinking you might forge more of a family group that way and the Grandparents might be able to back off a bit and just enjoy ALL their grandchildren. Is there any particular reason why DH has sorted out access this way?

Original poster
Fatshionista · 15/08/2011 19:32

We've tried to have him all weekend but MIL will not budge and says that they love seeing him. I'm glad they have a good relationship but I feel quite jealous that DD's don't get a look in. It's probably something to do with my own issues about my siblings being favoured over me so I've always ignored it but I honestly don't know what to say to DD1.

DH and I don't get to go out together as we don't have a babysitter. We haven't been out together since DD1 was 1. We're going to a wedding together next month but MIL has refused to babysit so we're taking the children with us and have to be home for bed time etc. I guess, again, I'm jealous that DSS' mum gets three full days with her husband and DH and I don't get an hour alone.

I think IABU, at least a little bit. I'm a bit bogged down with emotion and depression right now so I think I'm allowing it to get to me a bit more than I should.

Any ideas on how to handle the DD1 situation?

OP posts:
SingingTunelessly · 15/08/2011 19:40

I'm stumped tbh. I truly find it hard to understand the way the GPs are treating their grandchildren so differently. Maybe DH needs to man up a bit and insist he has his son for the access weekend and all of you visit at some point?

fedupofnamechanging · 15/08/2011 19:42

Well, I think your husband has to take some control here, as these are his parents and his son.

I suggest he sits down with you and his parents and tells them that this is not on - either they see and treat all the grandchildren equally or they don't have any of them.

I really feel for you Fatshionista, this is a hard situation for you to be in. Not only do you have the evidence of your husbands infidelity to deal with, but you also have his parents actively favouring the child over your own.

My thought initially was that perhaps they feared you would not love this child, given the circumstances of his birth and so were ensuring that he had love from his GP's. I also think there is an element here of them being able to do what they want because you have no real say over this child. He isn't yours, so they get to 'parent' without having to consider your wishes, which they would have to do if they were looking after your dd's.

Perhaps they don't 'get' how much this is hurting you and your dd1 and need to have it spelled out. If, having done that, they still make no effort with your girls, then I'd go with my first suggestion and stop them having DSS overnight.

Is your DH, letting this slide for a quiet life?

Also, will you be willing to welcome this child every weekend, for the whole weekend and love and care for him as you would your own? If you can't do that, then it might go some way to explaining the GP's approach to this.

None of this is any of the children's fault and they all deserve equal love and attention.

HappyMummyOfOne · 15/08/2011 19:45

Dss's mum isnt getting a three day break as such, i'm sure she misses her DS like crazy but knows that he needs to spend time with his family.

If you want to go out with your DH, then book a sitter. Not everybody has family close so have to hire a sitter or share turns with friends. Perhaps MIL feels she cant cope with more than one child. Surely you knew when planning children, time alone with DH may be in short supply?

As for DD1, just explain that granny spends time with DSS as he doesnt live with his dad. Maybe MIL wants to establish a good relationship with the ex as things may not always be amicable in future with your DH and ex and shes frightened of losing contact with her grandson.

PorkChopSter · 15/08/2011 19:48

What Singing said. Surely it's not up to your PIL to decide your DH can't see his own child?

How would you feel about having DSS every weekend and visiting your PIL together?

And when does DSS mum get to have any time with him if he's out all weekend? But that's another thread.

LITTLEGEEK · 15/08/2011 19:50

Was going to say something similar to SingingTunelessly. You DH is your DSS' father not his parents. You say your MIL 'wont budge', but I think your DH does not need to ask his mum he needs to TELL HER your DSS will be staying at yours for the whole access weekend and that they are welcome to come and visit on the Friday is they wish. Perhaps the DSS can stay every month or fortnight to sweeten things a bit. I understand the original agreement but it sounds as if your DH has not lived with them for a while now so perhaps the 'agreement' needs to be updated to reflect this. If you DD is picking up on this now, what will it be like when your DSS picks up on it. Does he not find it strange that he gets to stay overnight but his sisters don't? Not an easy situation to be in but think your handling it remarkably well.

MrsCampbellBlack · 15/08/2011 19:56

How do you get on with DSS - I can only imagine that its a pretty complex situation emotionally speaking.

And yes definitely get a babysitter - www.sitters.co.uk are good and then you can go out.

And your DH needs to tell your mil that the grandchildren need to be treated the same.

Original poster
Fatshionista · 15/08/2011 19:57

I find it very difficult to love DSS but I adore hom, treat him no differently to DD's and if I'm honest the part I find the hardest is realising I can't be his mum as he has a mum to go home to. If DSS lived here I'm sure I could love him as my own.

DH needs to man up. He said he doesn't want to stop MIL having him as it's like punishing her but he doesn't see it's not punishment but making things more equal.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fatshionista · 15/08/2011 20:02

Just spoke to DH about this. He said "The girls will have to know life isn't fair. My mother wants to see him and take him out so I'm not taking that away from her. Life isn't fair".

He really doesn't get it.

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needanewname · 15/08/2011 20:03

Let him know how your DD feels.

It is not right and it is not fair.

I wouldn't stand for it at all and unless I'm missing something I don't get the GP attitude

MrsCampbellBlack · 15/08/2011 20:04

He is building up a lifetime of resentment with his daughters and you know at 3 I don't think they need to learn that life is unfair.

I mean its surely pretty difficult for your eldest to understand how she has a younger brother who has a different mother anyway.

And as a total aside - love your name Smile

needanewname · 15/08/2011 20:04

Do something that isn't fair on him. IF he really wants to make a go of the marriage he needs to see this is a problem - a huge one.

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