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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to bring MIL & FIL up on this regarding DD's & DSS?

215 replies

Fatshionista · 15/08/2011 19:13

DSS is 2.6 and has been staying with MIL and FIL every Friday to Sunday since he was born and DH was living with them. DH moved in with me when he came back to me and DD1 when DSS was 6 months old and since then DSS has spent every Friday night and Saturday morning with MIL and then comes to us Saturday afternoon until Sunday evening.

My issue is that while MIL is happy to have DSS overnight and spends so much time with him she barely sees our DD's (3 and 8 months) even though we live around the corner. She won't take them on days out like she does with DSS, doesn't have or even offer to babysit/have them for a few hours but if she doesn't see DSS on a Friday gets irritable.

AIBU to feel hurt and quite resentful? It's not so much that I want her to have the DD's for me but the offer would be lovely. It's all about DD1 was around nine months before DSS was born.

What makes it worse is that DD1 is asking why she doesn't ever go out with Nan and Grandad and DH doesn't see it as a problem because "It's always been this way, they like to see him". Great, see him but don't not see DD's :(

AIBU?

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 16/08/2011 10:25

Frankly my love the counselling you have been having has not helped you any. You are still living with a complete and utter fuckwit who does not respect you one bit and for all of the begging & grovelling he did to get you back - does not love you properly either.

Yes he's young but you are younger than him and are able to put the children first and be a good parent - he has no excuse.

I wouldn't be insisting that your DSS comes to stay any more than he currently is until you sort your relationship out. I don't see how you can be with a man like this. I really don't - you are worth so much more.

Don't let the kids get closer (to each other)
Don't get even more attached to DSS

and for christsake don't let your DD's go to his parents on their own.

I would be sending H to live with his parents if it was me.

clam · 16/08/2011 10:30

And I wouldn't let my DDs anywhere near these toxic grandparents either. Why rub their noses in it? Although I don't suppose the GPs would give a stuff, but it might at least protect your DDs from such blatant unfairness.

QuintessentialShadow · 16/08/2011 10:40

"I would be sending H to live with his parents if it was me."

Aye.

I second that. I would not bother with this farce.

ShoutyHamster · 16/08/2011 10:43

OP - also, you are young. Really young, too young to make do and mend like this for the next fifty years. If things don't change properly and dramatically, do re-evaluate, for you quite literally have your whole life ahead of you, as do your DDs. Don't waste it on him if he continues to come up short.

QuintessentialShadow · 16/08/2011 10:54

I agree with Shouty. You ARE young. Nearly half my age. If I had your issues to deal with at 22, I would have given up and moved into a cave.

It seems pointless to press on with this marriage with a man who is so inept.

You have your whole life ahead of you. You are young, you can do pretty much anything. Do you really want to spend your life negotiating equal time and love from your childrens grandparents and in fact also their dad? Do you want to have to deal with your inlaws warped sense of worth for your family?

Do you really want to let your daugthers grow up in this unhealthy family dynamic where your husband and his parents seem hell bent that he keeps two separate families, and you and your girls, his wife and kids are not a part of it?

Your inlaws are making you and your girls seem worthless. You have no place in their lives. It is You three girls on one side. And your husband, his son and his parents on the other side. With a weird mix where the Jewel of the family, the son is pandered to by them.

It is a strange sort of cinderella set up, only with TWO cinderellas, not one. And where the inlaws have replaced the evil stepmothers.

SnapesMistress · 16/08/2011 12:00

Has he spoken to them yet? How did that go?

clam · 16/08/2011 12:28

This is so unfair that there has got to be more to it.
How were the ILs towards you before all this happened, i.e. before he had an affair and any of the children came along?

Original poster
Fatshionista · 16/08/2011 12:31

He hasn't spoken to them.yet but he's come out with a biggie. He said that his parents can't stand me and that is why DSS goes there as if he was here they'd never see him as they don't want to be here.

I have always respected our difderences. I tolerate them and are friendly and respectful so DH and the DD's so why can't they? Surely this is really fucking chikdish.

I'm fuming that DH has kept this from me. I'm fuming at PIL's who can't show common courtesy and respect in my home like I do in theirs. How much longer can I stew before I cry or go over there? Fuck I feel like a mug.

Spoke to my Dad and ge said DH is a good for nothing lout who has no sense of the real world, needs to accept his responsibilities and grow up and is a dick. He didn't hold back.

Am not sure where my head is at. Feel rather low.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fatshionista · 16/08/2011 12:33

Excuse the errors. I'm on my phone and my hands are shaking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fatshionista · 16/08/2011 12:35

Surely IL's opinion of me should not in any way affect their grandchildren? I'm respectful and friendly despite not really liking them but they cannot extend the same courtesy? We don't like each other and that's fine but to show a complete lack of respect for me in my house and DD's?!

Ugh.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 16/08/2011 12:36

Darling girl - your Dad is right x

I don't know what else to say that I haven't already said. I would send him back to his parents.

Big Hugs

Original poster
Fatshionista · 16/08/2011 12:38

DH has no job and although is applying is not getting anywhere. The second year of his electrical college course is £450 and £240 has to be paid by 30th August. DH hasn't got that money, we don't have it as a family and he has nobody to borrow it off and he wants me to find the money.

Oh I wish he would get fucked.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadow · 16/08/2011 12:39

So, I am not usually one who recommends splitting up a marriage. But neither you nor your daughters will lose anything by you throwing him out.

They wont lose a father who stands up for them and cherishes them. And they wont lose their grandparents, because they have not actually got them in the first place.

You have my sympathies. They are a nasty toxic family. Let your own family support you through this.

Non of them deserve you.

I think you need to think about the future. Education or a full time job. And get out of this mans hair. I take it he is not working either, if he is pottering about at home prolonging this discussion with tit bits now and then?

QuintessentialShadow · 16/08/2011 12:40

Sorry, I was referring to your inlaws when I said none of them deserve you.

Original poster
Fatshionista · 16/08/2011 12:41

I work freelance but it's not paying the bills. I.had a full time bar job but 12 hour shifts and Fibromyalgia meant I got 'dismissed' during my six week probation period. I can afford our essentials month to month but little to no luxuries. We'd be okay without him.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadow · 16/08/2011 12:41

So, he has no job, have not been able to scrape together money to pay for his education. What a catch, eh?

Go it alone, darling girl!

AvrilHeytch · 16/08/2011 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Fatshionista · 16/08/2011 12:41

Not paying all the bills I meant.

OP posts:
clam · 16/08/2011 12:41

Oh dear.
Not sure what to say, really, except would you really want people like that to like you? Bit lame, sorry.
How about we like you? More than that, I really admire you for trying so hard not to kill your waster of a husband to do the decent thing for your family, particularly your DSS, when most people would have chucked in the towel long ago.

AvrilHeytch · 16/08/2011 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Fatshionista · 16/08/2011 12:43

I love him, he loved and respected me for me at one stage and I live in hope that we'll get back there, he's a good hands on dad to DD's when DSS isn't around, he helps around the house, we get on well as a couple personality wise and I guess I'm too positive for my own good. I think I can fix it when I feel I may have to accept defeat soon.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 16/08/2011 12:45

Not only would you manage without him, you would thrive!

QuintessentialShadow · 16/08/2011 12:45

How do you think you are going to get back there?

How do you plan to "earn" back his respect?

Why should you need to?

Do you have any respect for him?

Does he deserve respect for all his vile actions?

You are too nice.

Original poster
Fatshionista · 16/08/2011 12:46

Right now he's cuddling DD1 on the sofa and is helping her draw a face. These are the moments I love but this moment will descend into an argument when I say what's on my mind and what isn't rigjt and then I get blamed for it being my way or no way and my way is always right/has to be that way etc and I don't know why I'm here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fatshionista · 16/08/2011 12:49

I think I also fear being alone with two DD's while I have manic depression, fibromyalgia and osteoarthritis. When I have a bad day DH is here to help out more but being alone I fear I could meet all of their needs all of the time without unintentionally neglecting them.

OP posts: