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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to bring MIL & FIL up on this regarding DD's & DSS?

215 replies

Fatshionista · 15/08/2011 19:13

DSS is 2.6 and has been staying with MIL and FIL every Friday to Sunday since he was born and DH was living with them. DH moved in with me when he came back to me and DD1 when DSS was 6 months old and since then DSS has spent every Friday night and Saturday morning with MIL and then comes to us Saturday afternoon until Sunday evening.

My issue is that while MIL is happy to have DSS overnight and spends so much time with him she barely sees our DD's (3 and 8 months) even though we live around the corner. She won't take them on days out like she does with DSS, doesn't have or even offer to babysit/have them for a few hours but if she doesn't see DSS on a Friday gets irritable.

AIBU to feel hurt and quite resentful? It's not so much that I want her to have the DD's for me but the offer would be lovely. It's all about DD1 was around nine months before DSS was born.

What makes it worse is that DD1 is asking why she doesn't ever go out with Nan and Grandad and DH doesn't see it as a problem because "It's always been this way, they like to see him". Great, see him but don't not see DD's :(

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fatshionista · 15/08/2011 21:36

No, DSS' mum barely speaks to MIL and co and only when they pick him up do they even say hello. They aren't on good terms at all but DH is on slightly better terms with her.

DH is really fucking me off now. He's telling me "Of course when my son is here only two days a week I'm going to spend more time with him than the girls. I see them every day!" and when I tell him that's fine but the girls can't pick up on the favouritism he says "They'll understand and if they don't that's their problem".

Um....idiot.

OP posts:
griphook · 15/08/2011 21:38

I think you are right to say that all the children stay in one place and, then the gp's come round to you to see them or vice versa.

But by the sound of it you DH sounds a bit strange, and I wonder if there is a deeper issuse here with his relationship with his dss and whether he's actually encouraging his pil to have dss without you knowing.

As a step parent my Dp really cherrished his time with dss and because it was limited would given his right arm for more. So I just find it hard to understand that he's happy for half of his family time to be spent with pil, and the refusal to talk about it aswell seems likes he is avoiding something

clam · 15/08/2011 21:38

If he''s that keen to spend time with his son, what the hell is he doing allowing him to spend half of every weekend with his parents?

griphook · 15/08/2011 21:40

I think your dh is being a bit of a dick, if he is showing favouritism to one child over the other. If he does it no wonder pil do

MrsCampbellBlack · 15/08/2011 21:42

May be worth posting in the step-parents section - lots of women there who are working very hard on blending families in a good way.

Original poster
Fatshionista · 15/08/2011 21:42

I asked him that question and he blew up at me telling me off for putting our lives on Mumsnet and that I'm picking on him and OMFG how the fuck could I?
Still no answer as to why he's dad of the year but allows his son to spend so much time with fuckwits PIL's.

OP posts:
clam · 15/08/2011 21:44

Ah! The last resort of the DH who knows he's in the wrong! Blame Mumsnet!

griphook · 15/08/2011 21:45

tbh, it sounds like you have bigger issues at play, and I now wonder if the little boy is better off at pil, until you get to the bottom of it all.

Atwaroverscrabble · 15/08/2011 21:46

He is a total wanker! Tell him you're sure he'll love sleeping there now that he's movibg back with his mum....

Honestly, he needs a sharp dose of reality

zipzap · 15/08/2011 22:00

I'd just ask her straight out what you should tell your DDs about why granny doesn't love them, only your dss. Because as a normal decent parent you can't imagine how you can only love one grandchild to the exclusion of the other two.

I'd also tell her that dd1 has noticed the different treatment that dss gets and that granny is mean to her. And that you have noticed too (citing choc example you gave and guess there will be others). But that you are completely stumped how to explain to a young child exactly how someone who is supposed to love and cherish her lots is actually so horrid to her.

Unfortunately it sounds as if she'd be quite pleased if she didn't have to see your dds again so you need to find something that would really affect her... Like limit access to dss but then that's not so fair on him to suddenly change his routine. Good luck op - hope you manage to get things sorted.

To an extent your dh is right it is just his and your views that count but it doesn't seem like he is considering you at all on any of this. Just using attack as the best form of defence as he doesn't have any valid counter arguments to your very valid points. He is being very childish and not considering you or your dds at all.

Can I ask a question that might be a very sore point, apologies if that's the case. What does dss's mum think of the situation? Is she happy at dss staying in different places?

Could you start to break the pattern by taking all 3 kids away for a short break fri-sun so he doesn't see mil for a weekend? And what does fil think? Sorry, lots of questions!

clam · 15/08/2011 22:11

"To an extent your dh is right it is just his and your views that count"

Er.... why?

clam · 15/08/2011 22:12

Oops, sorry, scratch that. Didn't see the word 'your' in there. Blush

exoticfruits · 15/08/2011 22:13

If MIL has had DSS since birth she must have a special bond, more a mother than grandmother. It is really up to DH-you need to get him to sort it out before DD gets much older.

hester · 15/08/2011 22:17

Oh wow, this is terrible. Words cannot describe what I'm thinking about your dh right now.

It doesn't sound as if your daughters' interests carry much weight in this, sadly. I don't know where you go with that, or how you live with it as their own father doesn't think it of much concern.

Do you think you might get further if you go in on the angle of "We need to give more priority to building dss' relationship with his sisters"? He has a right to enjoy good relationships with his siblings, and that is seriously jeopardised by this situation. I was going to ask if his mother could be of any use here, if you can make common cause with her, but it sounds as though that bridge is already burnt.

This must be so distressing for you. I am so very sorry.

fedupofnamechanging · 15/08/2011 22:25

So the only people whose views count are your husbands and his mothers? I am struggling to see what you are getting from this relationship.

You have done so well to put the past behind you and try to rebuild your family, but he's not meeting you halfway at all. I think you've been screwed over all the way along in this relationship and your husband is continuing to do so.

What you have to decide now is whether to continue to suck it up/ give him an ultimatum/ end the relationship.

SnapesMistress · 15/08/2011 22:25

May I be the frst to say... Leave the bastard!

gingergirl72 · 15/08/2011 22:37

not read entire thread but just wanted to add that my girl is 3 and she absolutely compares herself to her older siblings. For the last 6 months she's been asking me why she has to go to nursery but her older siblings (10) go to nannas. So it does get noticed...

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 15/08/2011 22:39

He sounds like he has issues with women/girls tbh. He didn't respect you enough not to cheat on you, didn't respect his one night stand enough to ensure she didn't get pg and doesn't respect your DDs enough to treat them fairly and ensure his parents do the same. His parents sound the same - favouring their son's son over his daughters - so that's probably where he gets it from.

The whole situation would be a deal breaker for me I'm afraid.

ddubsgirl · 15/08/2011 22:40

its very hard my step sister were older than me but you could see the difference in how i was treated,the choclate thing reminded me that my SM use to buy ssis oj,which i love but was never allowed it,i got apple juice,even if i asked as it gets abit yuk day in day out i was told no as it cost more,so ok for ssis to have it but not me,i would get a present on my birthday and told that was birthday & xmas present so would have to sit there on xmas morning with nothing to open.
its not easy your dd`s are starting to noitce and feel worthless,even thier own father is making out they arent worthy of his parents love.

PenguinPatter · 15/08/2011 22:45

I was going to say same as SoftKittyWarmKitty.

DN massively favoured by my parents - really hurts me and my DC noticed early. I tried speaking to them they won't have it.

Ironically they and their DC - me and siblings - were treated this way by my grandparents.

I limit contact - I think this will be less damaging to them. I can only suggest you have a good long think about what is best for you and your DDs.

Tenacity · 15/08/2011 23:48

Your DH and his family sound nasty. Why do you allow yourself and your children to be treated like this? I think you need to take control of the situation so this stops now.

I also find it ironic that your DH created this situation in the first place, and yet has the audacity to respond in such a uncaring, careless manner Hmm.

He also sounds very cowardly and immature, and I do hope he has many other redeeming feature (though I can't think of any that would compensate for his behaviour towards you and your children).

Original poster
Fatshionista · 16/08/2011 00:28

DH and I have talked it out and he's going to talk to his mum tomorrow. Let's see if it actually happens :(

OP posts:
stupidgreatgrinonmyface · 16/08/2011 01:11

Children of your DDs age certainly do notice when they are being treated differently to others. My DC1 broke my heart when, aged four, asked me why didn't Nanny X love him? I said that of course she did but he then gave me several examples of times when she had done what your MIL does- told him to go and play/sit down/never gave him a cuddle even when he asked outright for it. She was totally different with DC2 and her other GCs. The big difference here though, was that my DH told her what she was doing and when she firstly denied it and then came up with a list of ridiculous 'reasons' he made it clear to her that at the very least, he expected her to treat our two equally. Of course, he couldn't make her treat them the same as her other GCs, but he could insist she didn't show any favouritism to DC2 etc. sadly she was unable to do this and there followed several years where DH cut back on contact with her. Though things are better now, ours still don't get treated as equals with her other DGC. And now that they are older (adults) she doesn't understand why , tbh, they don't have time for her whereas they spend loads of time with my mum who has always treated all her DGC equally, sometimes going to ridiculous lengths to do so!

If my DH had not stood up for his children, honestly? he would no longer be my DH. Your H has three children. It is not the fault of your DDs that he got another woman pg. They are entitled to be treated the same by your dh. It is especially important that he treats them all the same when they are together. If he cannot understand this and does not see what a disservice he is doing them, then frankly, you are all better off without him.

AmaraDresden · 16/08/2011 02:12

Do you think your DH still feels guilty? Seems like he's trying to make it up to DSS, and allowing his parents to do half of it, for his unfortunate way into the world. Do you think he really loves DSS as much as your DDs, or could he be trying to cover up a lack of feelings because of the guilt surrounding it?

Of course he could just be ignorant! I hope he does talke to his parents and you find a good middle ground as it isn't fair, and I do feel for those who are left out. My DP is still angry and has issues over favouritism towards his sisters whilst they grew up.

iscream · 16/08/2011 06:13

I don't think your husband cares that he and his parents are showing blatant favoritism.

Really all of the power is in his hands. He can make them treat all 3 of his children equally if he wants to.
They need to put 2 more beds in the room and have all 3 kids over.

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