AIBU to bring MIL & FIL up on this regarding DD's & DSS?

[Fatshionista]

DSS is 2.6 and has been staying with MIL and FIL every Friday to Sunday since he was born and DH was living with them. DH moved in with me when he came back to me and DD1 when DSS was 6 months old and since then DSS has spent every Friday night and Saturday morning with MIL and then comes to us Saturday afternoon until Sunday evening.

My issue is that while MIL is happy to have DSS overnight and spends so much time with him she barely sees our DD's (3 and 8 months) even though we live around the corner. She won't take them on days out like she does with DSS, doesn't have or even offer to babysit/have them for a few hours but if she doesn't see DSS on a Friday gets irritable.

AIBU to feel hurt and quite resentful? It's not so much that I want her to have the DD's for me but the offer would be lovely. It's all about DD1 was around nine months before DSS was born.

What makes it worse is that DD1 is asking why she doesn't ever go out with Nan and Grandad and DH doesn't see it as a problem because "It's always been this way, they like to see him". Great, see him but don't not see DD's :(

AIBU?

He should have but he's 25 so old for an apprentice and nobody is taking on/he's been turned down for the ones he has applied for. He can have any job this year but next year he has to have a job in the field or his qualification is pretty much useless.

I'm sick of living off less than benefits some weeks because of my sporadic income and I have yet to get even an interview since being dismissed from my previous job. I just wish he'd contribute especially now there are an extra five meals to find a week as DSS will be here extra time.

You mentioned that you/your dh are having counselling for problems that make this current opposition of views between you/your dh 'pale into insignificance'.

If there are issues in a relationship that may take considerable time to work through and resolve, it can lead to one or the other party experiencing a sense of frustration until resolution is found - particularly if one party is a 'can-do' person who expects instant results.

I suspect that you have picked on your dss's regular weekly overnight stay with his and your dds gps to express your current sense of powerlessness in respect of considerably more than this arrangement because, on the surface at least, it would seem that your frustration can be resolved simply by your dh acceding to your demands wishes.

It also seems to me that, despite your assurances to the contrary, you are attempting to punish others for your inner unhappiness. You profess to want to 'make things more equal' however, should they accede to your demand, there is no guarantee that your PILs will behave any differently to your dds but you will have potentially exascerbated any present inequality and created more cause for conflict between your dh, yourself, and your PILs.

In addition you seem to have lost sight of the fact that, by denying your dss the weekly overnight stays with his gps that have been a constant in his life since he was born, you will be punishing a 2.6 year old boy for the 'crimes' of others of which he entirely innocent.

It may seem as if I am laying all of the responsiblity for your current situation at your feet but I can assure you this is not the case. It is simply that you are the one posting here and I am merely endeavouring to point out that, while we may think we are acting from our best intentions, it can be that our true motivation may be coming from a quite different place.

Similarly, in saying 'life isn't fair' ostensibly in relation to something that your dds may need to learn, I suspect that your dh is expressing his inner realisation that he won't grow up to be a rock star and that, due purely to his own choices and actions, he is now required to live an entirely different life to that which he may have once planned for himself.

Do you think the reason why PIL's don't want to know the girls is because they're your children and they "can't stand you"?

Yes, quite possibly. I don't think I make the situation any better but the way they have been with inequality I'm worried about not being there with the DD's when they see MIL.

The issue of DSS is an issue that has been present for a long time but now it has come to a head. I don't think I'm doing this out of frustration or to feel control over DH, I honestly think it is because I am worried about the DC's, DSS included. It is unfortunate that this issue is going.on in the maelstrom of issues with DH but things have been looking up with DH until this. I've brought this up many times but everyone has fobbed me off.

I think I have a lot of frustration and resentment at DH for not sticking up for me, not being loyal and not doing both for the DD's but I am most pissed at PIL's attitude to the DD's and to me. We are adults, we can get along but they refuse to.

As I have said I don't want to deny them having him but simply make it equal but with PIL's and DSS it will never be equal. Is it not equally punishing poor DSS to have his sisters resent hom and is it not punishing them with the knowledge that DSS is somehow above them? DSS is 2.6 and things will change for him but he will still see his GP's whereas if the situation continues there won't be a sad DSS but an entirely frustrated and resentful Fatshionista family.

If I'm honest, after hearing PIL's can't stand me regardless of the fact I have always been kind, respectful, friendly, accomodating and even when we disagree, genuine I don't care about their feelings in all of this.

IABU over this, I know but I feel so angry right now.

As unfair as it may seem, I would suspect that there is an element of dislike in the PILs attitude to the OP's dds didii.

However, it important to look behind the cause of the alleged fact (which came out of the mouth of the OP's dh at what may not have been the most harmonious moment of their marriage) that the PIL's 'can't stand' the OP.

It seems that their son was 19 when he met the then 18 year old OP. Perhaps this coincided with him undergoing a period of sex & drugs & rock'n'roll behaviour which led him into that festering hotbed of parental disapproval namely, young parenthood?

It could be that the PILs, erroneously, blame the OP for leading the light of their lives astray; or it may be that there is a collision of generational attitudes or personalities which is unlikely to be alleviated by the OP given, by her own admission, that she does not possess an abundance of tact.

It could be significant that the PILs have a dd living at home; it may be that they believe that OP falls short of their perfect dd or it may be that, already having a dd of their own, they feel no urge to welcome another into the bosom of their family, or fear (as I believe has been pointed out by another on this thread) that their dh's relationship with the OP will be shortlived.

It could simply be that the PILs get to have their gs overnight without any restrictive do's/don'ts from the child's mother, and they may suspect they wouldnt have the same degree of freedom if they were to babysit their gdds.

IME family relationships can be very different to what they may seem to be to a casual observer

You talk about your dds having resentment towards dss, but at 3.8 years resentment is a learned behaviour.

I've brought this up many times but everyone has fobbed me off Who have you brought it up with, and what has been their response?

DD does not have resentment yet but she is starting to ask questions. I never talk about this in front of DD1 so it can't be learned behaviour. I'm saying that if this carries on the resentment will be there as she learns more and sees DSS getting treats, attention and weekly sleepovers and she is not. That behaviour will filter down to DD2 and I have no words for them. DSS will be hated for a situation that isn't his fault by his sisters.

I have brought this up with MIL, FIL, SIL, DH and my dad. They have all up to now told me not to be ridiculous, that the children are treated equally etc. Only now people are realising the inequality is vast.

They may be indeed, izzy - but I confess that your posts have me a bit puzzled. You seem to be turning complete corkscrews to try and find the most complex set of reasons for all this, and to practically turn yourself inside out to find a series of potential ulterior motives for OP. It seems odd - you're right to say that all situations like this are more complex than they seem, and OP has been utterly straight in saying that she doesn't get on with the PIL, but to me it just seems a lot more straightforward than this. And the actual actions of the OP just don't bear you out.

If she resented the DSS, she'd presumably be more than happy for the arrangement to stay as it is.

If she was as hot-headed as you insinuate, this situation would have blown up long before. Most of the anguish here is based around how she can make things better for her children - there's little talk of punishing the PILs for imagined slights, even less of actually taking her H to task for his clearly utterly shit behaviour.

Her concerns are simple and perfectly understandable - she sees a wedge forming between the children. She sees her children being slidelined and fears resentment getting worse.

As for the OP being the black sheep, I would think that after their son managing to father three children in quick succession, and OP now being the only earner and actually keeping food on the table not only for their grandchildren but also for their 25-year old SON, I don't think even the PIL could actually get away with convincing themselves that she's some feckless hussy!

DD is asking questions like "Why does DB go out with nan? Can I go? Why?" and "Why can't I have a sleepover at nan's like DB?". I don't know what to say to her. MIL and FIL ignore her or change the subkect.

Further back in the thread I mentioned DD said she felt she wasn't wanted in MIL's house. For a 3 year old to say that with no prompt I was shocked.

I've been as honest as I can be here to get the most accurate responses. There are complex factors at play but none as complex as you're suggesting. I am not doing this for me. I would have been happy not to have this issue and not to have argued with DH over this but when it comes to my DD's I am naturally protective of their feelings.

I will come right out and say I have bad points and I am no angel. I am not a stranger to my errors and shortcomings but I have been honest about them so far and will continue to be so, so judgment should be made on the facts only here.

Fatshionista - it's not compulsory to answer all posts :) Some people just want to dig and twist and make something out of nothing - you don't have to engage in it.

:o Roger that. DD's are getting ready for bed with DH so have a moment alone haha.

I don't think even the PIL could actually get away with convincing themselves that she's some feckless hussy You'd be surprised Shouty - once an impression, no matter how erroneous, is formed it can be hard to break or shake.

I have encountered 40+ year old women with marriages of many years duration who have continued to be (and still are) regarded by their MILs as feckless hussys, but that is not the issue here.

Since his birth, PILS became accustomed to having their gs for 2 consecutive overnight stays per week which, not unnatually, has resulted in their forming a close bond with him. Nevertheless, at some point, the 2 night stay was reduced to 1 night in favour of the OP and her dh.

The OP's marriage is currently subject to considerable stress due to unresolved historic issues of honesty and trust and more recent issues that have arisen, one of which is the OP's observation that her dds are not as equally valued by their paternal gps as her dss.

The OP hopes that some resolution of this latter issue may be achieved by her dss ceasing his weekly overnight stay with his paternal gs in favour spending 2 consecutive nights per week with the OP and her dh (the child's father).

To this end, the OP's dh has been entrusted with the task of informing his dps that, with, effect from a week on Friday, they can no longer have their gs staying overnight with them.

I have serious misgivings as to whether the OP's plan is the best way forward for all concerned. In addition, I doubt that abrupt cessation of the overnight stays they have hitherto enjoyed with their gs will bring about the changes the OP desires with regard to her PIL's attitude to her dds.

From the information made available by the OP, I've attempted to provide her with additional insight as to how insecurities can manifest in ways that we are not consciously aware of and I trust that, in questioning her timing, she will accept that no malice was or is intended by my responses.

It goes without saying but nevertheless I'll add my voice to the throng that the OP's dh is a twat, but it would seem that he's the twat that she loves and wants in her life and I wish her luck in the unenviable task of persuading her Peter Pan to grow up.

It's true that the grandparents may not start to treat all the children equally, once dss no longer stays with them every weekend, but that is beyond Fatshionista's control. What she is doing, by putting a stop to the overnight stays, is saying that she and her dh are recognising the inequality and as parents are ensuring that there is no cause for resentment between their children because the GP's openly favour the son over the daughters.

The GP's have brought this on themselves, by not treating all the children equally and their son has enabled it to continue by being weak and pathetic.

Although there are lots of problems here, I still think it is right and fair to get all the children on an equal footing. Fatshionista can't make the GP's love her DC, but she can stop their favouritism from being so blatant to all the children.