Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to bring MIL & FIL up on this regarding DD's & DSS?

215 replies

Fatshionista · 15/08/2011 19:13

DSS is 2.6 and has been staying with MIL and FIL every Friday to Sunday since he was born and DH was living with them. DH moved in with me when he came back to me and DD1 when DSS was 6 months old and since then DSS has spent every Friday night and Saturday morning with MIL and then comes to us Saturday afternoon until Sunday evening.

My issue is that while MIL is happy to have DSS overnight and spends so much time with him she barely sees our DD's (3 and 8 months) even though we live around the corner. She won't take them on days out like she does with DSS, doesn't have or even offer to babysit/have them for a few hours but if she doesn't see DSS on a Friday gets irritable.

AIBU to feel hurt and quite resentful? It's not so much that I want her to have the DD's for me but the offer would be lovely. It's all about DD1 was around nine months before DSS was born.

What makes it worse is that DD1 is asking why she doesn't ever go out with Nan and Grandad and DH doesn't see it as a problem because "It's always been this way, they like to see him". Great, see him but don't not see DD's :(

AIBU?

OP posts:
ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 15/08/2011 20:44

Your H is a twat and a crap dad towards you DD's. No decent father would tolerate two of his children being treated less favourably by his family, or treat them less favourably himself.

HerHissyness · 15/08/2011 20:45

Jesus christ, this poor DSS is going to be totally FFed up by this godawful pushme-pullyou parenting! Your own DDs are noticing the unfairness and the H shrugs 'life's not fair'?

Wtf is that waste of space going to do WHEN your girls really need him to step up for them? What on earth kind of people do you think these girls will grow into? People pleasers at best, potential victims of domestic abuse at worst.

Either he gets HIS son into your home with day trip visits and the odd sleep over at granny's,so that this ridiculous imbalance is stopped, or you need to seriously evaluate why on earth you'd want such a weak and so obviously flawed man in your family's life!

NOW is thé time to fix this,or your girls will enð up hating this poor boy.

fedupofnamechanging · 15/08/2011 20:46

Sorry Fatshionista, but he is really. He cheated when you were pg and didn't even take care not to get some other woman pg too. I can understand you forgiving him for the one night stand (sort of) and I know the OW pg came after that decision was made, but he should be bending over backwards to put all this right for you. As it is, he wants everything his own way. When is it your turn to get what you need?

Original poster
Fatshionista · 15/08/2011 20:49

How do I get this point across to PIL's who are obviously going to have a huge problem with this. I plan on bringing this up tomorrow after more opinions and some more coaching from you as a revised statement to DH and I'm sure that after putting it the way you have I can get through to him.

DH will tell MIL but will put their feelings above everything. I won't. I don't give a toss about their feelings when they don't care about ours so if I say something I'd need to be very clear and concise and leave no room for debate. Should I do this or DH? I don't think I could trust DH to do it properly.

OP posts:
SnapesMistress · 15/08/2011 20:49

I would insist on the sleepovers stopping. I would then invite MIL to visit friday night and saturday morning or go to thiers so I could supervise play. I would not leave DDs alone with her. If she continues to favour DSS after beng explained to exactly why it is unacceptable I would prevent her from seeing DDs again and explan to them that it is because some people are not very nice for no good reason. I would also try to emphasise to them that it is not DSSs fault at all and they should not be cross with hm but MIL.

Iwantscallops · 15/08/2011 20:51

You should both certainly do it together. That way you can make sure your point comes across. Make it clear to them it is for the benefit of all of their grandchildren.

fedupofnamechanging · 15/08/2011 20:57

If you tell PIL that overnight access stops and DSS will now be spending every weekend with you, will DH back you up? If he contradicts you in front of them, then that is going to be awful.

For me, this would be a make or break issue. He would either have to support DSS being with you all weekend or the relationship is over. There comes a time when people have to choose where their loyalties lie. A husbands loyalty should be with his wife. A parents loyalty should be with their children (all of them).

He cannot put what mummy wants above what is good for his wife and children.

Of course, you must only give an ultimatum if you are prepared to follow it through. If not, then it's best to do nothing.

Personally, i think you have to draw a line in the sand. Time for you dh to be a proper man, husband and father or he's not much good to you.

Jennytailia · 15/08/2011 20:57

I was in this situation, PIL used to have DSS staying every other wkend, instead of him staying with us. It drove me mad, DSS hardly had any relationship with our DC's, and was spooky rotten at the GP's house.

I had a million arguments with DH who thought the situation was fine. Our DC's started asking why only DSS was allowed to stay at the GP's house ao I finally told DH how unfair this was and he should take responsibility for DSS himself, which your DH should. Your DSS should be with his siblings being treated equally, you need to make your DH aware that DSS will not thank him when he is older, he will wonder why his dad palmed him off on the GP.

Jennytailia · 15/08/2011 20:58

spoilt not spooky Grin

herbietea · 15/08/2011 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TheGhostNotMe · 15/08/2011 21:06

Could they have some overnights?

So say there are 4 Friday nights a month. 2 are with DSS, 1 with DD1 and 1 with DD2. They all get Saturday nights together.

Then you arent stopping anything as such, just evolving it now there are more Grandchildren involved?

birdofthenorth · 15/08/2011 21:07

Do you think your PIL feel a bit like they were surrogate parents to DSS on the weekends before you & DH got married? Sounds to me like they haven't properly accepted you two are his weekend parents now. And not to ever even babysit your DDs is weird & unhelpful & unfair by comparison.

clam · 15/08/2011 21:14

Oh fgs, what bloody ridiculous 'Handbookof sayings for life' has your H been reading? (sorry but I can't see he qualifies for a 'D') Statements like "life isn't fair" apply to minor things like one getting to go on a trip with a mate's family and the other not. This is a totally different matter and he needs to sort it out NOW, before he wreaks even more havoc on you and his children. You are not saying that MIL should have DSS "taken away from her," but that her blatant favouritism is causing untold damage within the family and it must stop. She can still see him at your house, provided she acts fairly. If she can't do that, then you'll have to re-think.
"Won't budge?" Not her call.

clam · 15/08/2011 21:16

Oh, and for what it's worth, it sounds to me as if you have been treated absolutely appallingly all the way along the line. You could totally be forgiven for having a real problem bonding with your DSS, but that's not the case. You're trying to make it all work, and yet having outrageous, unnecessary and unfair obstacles put in your way.

Good luck. I feel for you.

Original poster
Fatshionista · 15/08/2011 21:17

Just spoke to DH. He's accusing me of wanting my own way, he doesn't see it as unfair at all, it's all in my head, he doesn't want to change the way things are and I have to deal with it. He doesn't care about all your opinions, only mine and his and mine is apparently wrong.

So angry right now. I'm trying to do something for our DC's and he's trying to save his own ass because I've just found out his mum has now turned DH's old room into James' room complete with a new bed and a handpainted mural that she's worked so hard on. I mentioned what would happen when DD1 says "Well, DSS has a room at Nan's, why don't I?" and he said "They'll understand".

Honestly. Am I being a dick or is he just a big self-centered wanker?

OP posts:
griphook · 15/08/2011 21:26

imho, it's dss I feel sorry for, it feels liked he's pushed for pillar to post, to me it seems a bit like you are envious of the time the his mum gets to spend on her own. I don't really understand why you are pushing for mil to have dd's when really it seems you should be pushing to have dss round your house at the weekend rather than the other way round

You said that mil wants to spend time with him, doesn't his Dad, you and sisters, and where does DSS want to be.

Maybe she has giving him a bedroom so he doesn't feel like a nomad

DumSpiroSpero · 15/08/2011 21:26

The latter sadly. He's bloody lucky you took him back, let alone that you feel the way you do about including DSS in your family.

And if you don't understand why his parents behave the way they do, how the hell does he expect your daughters to be able to get their head's round the situation?

He seriously needs to wake up to himself.

clam · 15/08/2011 21:27

He's being a self-centred wanker. No debate.

They will NOT understand.

What are you getting from being with him?

PorkChopSter · 15/08/2011 21:27

Do your PIL have any daughters? Are they seeing DSS as your DH reincarnated or something?

PorkChopSter · 15/08/2011 21:29

And what Griphook said - don't dwell on trying to get MIL to spend more time with your DDs, you need to have more time with DSS and your DDs together, with your DH, as a family.

Original poster
Fatshionista · 15/08/2011 21:30

I have said I'd love to have DSS here more. I was saying I'd rather DD's see their GP's more as DH really didn't want to rock the boat and stop the sleepovers and day trips with DSS only. Now I see the only way to make this fair is for DSS to come here Friday evening and stay the full weekend and the GP's will come here to see them all or we'll take them all to see them.

I've talked about DSS spending one weekend, DD1 one weekend then DD2 with the remaining Friday night being here but his parents don't want to do that. They only want DSS overnight. Definitely not DD1 and DD2. The rare occasions they have babysat DD1 and DD2 I have had to pick them up at 1am after I would finish work and take them home because they wouldn't have them all night but DSS stays all night and most of the day until about 2pm Saturday when they're finished with their day trip.

DH is refusing to talk to me about it. He won't budge.

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 15/08/2011 21:32

Suspect you've got big problems with your DH and this is just one example of how he behaves.

Good luck.

MrsCampbellBlack · 15/08/2011 21:32

But do find another babysitter - you need to be able to go out and not rely on them.

DumSpiroSpero · 15/08/2011 21:34

Is there any possibility that DSS's mum is involved in this at all?

Could it be that she doesn't want him forming too close a bond with you and your DD's in case he decides at a later date he'd rather be with you and his dad permanently, and perhaps GP's are falling in with it so as not to rock the boast with her?

clam · 15/08/2011 21:34

Yeah, agree with MrsCampbellBlack. If this wasn't such a biggie, I'd say it was the least of your problems. If you see what I mean.

Swipe left for the next trending thread