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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to bring MIL & FIL up on this regarding DD's & DSS?

215 replies

Fatshionista · 15/08/2011 19:13

DSS is 2.6 and has been staying with MIL and FIL every Friday to Sunday since he was born and DH was living with them. DH moved in with me when he came back to me and DD1 when DSS was 6 months old and since then DSS has spent every Friday night and Saturday morning with MIL and then comes to us Saturday afternoon until Sunday evening.

My issue is that while MIL is happy to have DSS overnight and spends so much time with him she barely sees our DD's (3 and 8 months) even though we live around the corner. She won't take them on days out like she does with DSS, doesn't have or even offer to babysit/have them for a few hours but if she doesn't see DSS on a Friday gets irritable.

AIBU to feel hurt and quite resentful? It's not so much that I want her to have the DD's for me but the offer would be lovely. It's all about DD1 was around nine months before DSS was born.

What makes it worse is that DD1 is asking why she doesn't ever go out with Nan and Grandad and DH doesn't see it as a problem because "It's always been this way, they like to see him". Great, see him but don't not see DD's :(

AIBU?

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 16/08/2011 13:40

Could your Dad lend you the bond on another place?

I don't see why the Uncle would want you to leave anyway, he'd only have to find another tennant. His nephew (your H) can't afford it if he's not working - so no divided loyalty.

AvrilHeytch · 16/08/2011 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Fatshionista · 16/08/2011 13:43

DH and I have been together on and off since I was 18 so four years. I got pregnant at 18 and we were together. During my pregnancy we had a falling out and he had a one night stand. He came back within the week grovelling and we got back together and had our baby. We then find out DSS has been conceived. We have been together since, he was never in a relationship with DSS' mum and we have been married three years in April.

DH has a younger sister who is 24. She still lives at home.

Younger DD is 8 months old.

OP posts:
ShoutyHamster · 16/08/2011 13:43

I am so sorry.

You sound amazing. Yes, you do know it's going to come to the same thing in the end anyway, so I hope you do bite the bullet now.

Lots of options though.

Where do your parents live? Could you stay for a while? Could they help with a deposit for a different (and smalller!) place? Or is it not that kind of relationship? If you aren't tied to him, could you move to a cheaper area, or move near your parents so childcare help might be an option?

I too think even your MIL might draw the line at chucking you out in the immediate future - and anyway, she can't, you do have rights as a tenant. But think. Unless you have a fantastic deal on rent, setting yourself up in a new place without him to feed and keep in rock-star studded belts and electricity courses will probably be cheaper anyway. There's just the initial hurdle of a deposit etc., and if your parents can help, or if you could move in with them temporarily, all that is sortable. And GO TO CAB - you will be entitled to more help without him there! - you will, undoubtedly, be better off money-wise once he is gone.

It is do-able...

Original poster
Fatshionista · 16/08/2011 13:44

Thank you for this. It's making me realise there is hope for keeping this house. DD's are happy here as am I and I wouldn't want to move if I can help it.

OP posts:
DizzyKipper · 16/08/2011 13:47

Do you have a tenancy agreement? It does sound as though you'd be better off finding somewhere else to live, even if he doesn't evict you just knowing that he might adds unnecessary stress. I'm a bit concerned by your housing arrangements really, it sounds a bit dodgey.

ShoutyHamster · 16/08/2011 13:48

He can't evict you at short notice - it would take a few months.

You have a tenancy agreement, so you have rights there.

I see the issues about moving on... I would go to CAB. You will find places that will take DSS and if your Dad was prepared to act as guarantor, I think you WOULD be able to get another tenancy. Go and ask about bond schemes to help you out. Or, could your Dad loan you a deposit??

Unsecured tenancy month to month - the legal rules are the landlord has to give two months notice, the tenant one. So you'd have two months, then eviction processes - if your DH has the stomach to stand by and let his family do that to his DDs.

ShoutyHamster · 16/08/2011 13:51

Four years is such a short time

Honestly

ChippingIn · 16/08/2011 13:57

DizzyKipper - what are you on about? Their tennancy agreement is the same as most others.

Shouty - agreed. It's a little more complicated by the fact that they will always be connected through the girls (which I'm not with my ex's) but even so.

L&L - it is hard when he's the only thing you've ever know. It's scary to think about going it alone - but honestly, once you do you will wonder what took you so long!

fedupofnamechanging · 16/08/2011 13:58

Maybe you could get the uncle to sign another tenancy agreement before you tell dh that you are kicking him out. I doubt he would think anything of this because it's normal to want a fixed term lease. If you can do this, it at least gives you breathing space.

If not, there is no guarantee that the uncle will evict you. He might be easily led but people don't like giving up steady income just because their relative has got a strop on about you.

It might be worth trying to pay off some of your rent arrears - even if it's a token amount as this would show willing when it comes to getting rehoused by the council or a housing association later.

Under no circumstances should you pay your husbands course bills. That doesn't benefit you at all and you need to cobble together whatever money you can now for your future.

If the uncle does try to evict, don't leave. Make him take you to court. Keep paying the rent. The council cannot let you be homeless, but might make you a nicer offer if you've tried to pay some of the arrears.

DizzyKipper · 16/08/2011 14:01

Urm, I did ask whether they actually had a tenancy agreement (as opposed to just informally paying rent to a family member - which to me would be dodgy). If I asked that question shouldn't it be obvious that I hadn't yet read where they'd said they had a tenancy agreement and which kind it was?

ChippingIn · 16/08/2011 14:06

DizzyKipper - well if you haven't read the thread - why did you say it sounded dodgy? Stupid thing to do.

SnapesMistress · 16/08/2011 14:18

Yes, it may be worth tryng to get a fixed term tenancy before you kick him out. Gve you some more wriggle room.

ShoutyHamster · 16/08/2011 14:21

I don't think your H would think anything was odd about you saying the lease was up and could you get the details to get it sorted for the next year or so. In fact he'd probably take it as a good sign not a bad one!

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 16/08/2011 15:05

I'm confused because it seems that you separated for one week 6 months or so into your first pregnancy during which time dh fathered dss, but your OP implies that dss has stayed part time with PILs since he was born and that this arrangement began when dh was living with his parents.

If your dh wasn''t living with his parents when dss was born this arrangement implies some liaison between PILs and dss's mother and, presumably, she got to know them before entrusting her newborn to their care?

I would suggest you put the tenancy issue aside for the time being as it's something of a red herring in that short-term rolling contracts are now commonplace - even if you had a fixed term lease it would not necessarily preclude the landlord giving notice to quit.

The crucial questions you should be asking yourself are do you love dh, do you believe that he loves you, do you want your marriage to work.

If you were to act on advice given here and kick your dh out of the house, would you be hoping that this would effectively kick him into touch and that he would come back grovelling again so that you could dictate terms?

Or would it be because you know that your relationship is over and it is time for you both to move on?

Original poster
Fatshionista · 16/08/2011 15:13

DH was living with his parents on the weekends as in the beginning, as you can imagine, I had a hard time accepting DSS into my home and family because of the circumstances so he had DSS there for his access period.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fatshionista · 16/08/2011 15:15

Right now I think it would be so he came back and I could dictate which I don't think is healthy or right and why I'm just going to get my affairs in order with the landlord and CAB and make sure if the time comes things will run relatively smoothly.

I am very angry and emotional now and I don't want to make rash decisions that will adversely affect the DC's and which I will regret just yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fatshionista · 16/08/2011 15:36

He's gone to speak to his parents now but not before dropping one more bomb shell.

DH got a call from a job he applied for to offer him a job in a food production company (something he has done before) with more than minimum wage pay and full time hours. The twat turned it down because they want him Mon-Fri and his college course is one full day a week.

A college course we cannot pay for but he is adamant he will find a way to do

OP posts:
DumSpiroSpero · 16/08/2011 15:52

Hope it turns out better than you're expecting but if all else fails and you decide to call it a day get some good advice. I came extremely close to ending my marriage earlier this year. TBH I found the CAB were not much help at all and told me nothing I wasn't able to find out myself on the internet.

Rights of Women legal advice line were very helpful, but it's not 24/7 so can be a be tricky to get hold of someone (took me a couple of day but they were very good and sympathetic which helps when you're feeling a bit fragile).

Shelter is not just about people living on the streets and also gave me some good advice re housing benefit, tenancies etc.

Worth looking around for a solicitor who does a free hour/half hour consultation too. They are not that difficult to find if you have 10 minutes to spare for a proper look through internet or Yellow Pages.

Original poster
Fatshionista · 16/08/2011 15:56

DH just came home. They weren't there. He's going back tomorrow but I'm not holding out much hope.

The job situation has left me worried and deflated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fatshionista · 16/08/2011 15:58

Dum thank you for the links. I'll be checking them out tonight when I get a chance to get the laptop to myself. I'm periodicallt updating on my phone as DH will go nuts if he knows I'm still putting my life on Mumsnet.

OP posts:
ShoutyHamster · 16/08/2011 15:59

I have to say, you could look on the bright side OP and take it all as a sign that someone up there is looking out for you.

Several bombshells, all in one day, all providing exactly the information you need to make a crucial decision. Really, all that is left is for a giant Monty Python style hand to emerge from the clouds and point at your DH while a booming Old Testament voice proclaims:

'THIS... MAN... IS... A... COMPLETE... AND... UTTER... TWAAAAAAT...'

I hope that raises a Grin OP, you've gotta laugh or you'd cry... You're so mature about this, by the way - 'Right now I think it would be so he came back and I could dictate which I don't think is healthy or right' - I really take my hat off to the way you are approaching this. Your daughters are extremely, extremely lucky girls to have a mother of this calibre. I do not say that lightly :)

Original poster
Fatshionista · 16/08/2011 16:48

:o I did laugh

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadow · 16/08/2011 16:55

oh, so he turned down full time work because his college course is ONE FULL DAY A WEEK! What a loser.

However, if his course is only one day per week, isnt he then meant to find himself an apprenticeship for the other days?

ShoutyHamster · 16/08/2011 17:03

Methinks the idea of a full time job - you know, having to get up every morning and all that- is not music to the ears of our failed rock star.

Much easier to laze around for six out of seven days but be able to say 'but I am training'

OP is right to be bloody worried about that, but as I said, it's just yet another sign that he's just not worth the bother. Almost worse than all the emotional stuff - a bloke who adds stress to the family finances instead of helping to alleviate it!